i just don' t know.
i'm at a standstill with myself.
i'm not happy, i am happy.
i'm not confident, i am confident.
i'm not comfortable with myself, i am.
i'm not who i used to be, but i am.
but i'm really not.
that's the issue i guess i'm facing.
i am who i used to be, but at the same time i'm not.
i've grown up so much but i just can't figure out where i fit right now.
i admire so many qualities that other people have.
and i try to find ways that i can take some of them and mix it with who i am.
and i'm just never satisfied.
i know who i want to be.
i know what i want to accomplish.. and it's just so hard.
i know i'm like, a funny person.. which is fine whatever
but i feel like i need more serious things in my life.
i talk too much, i joke too much, and i'm too sarcastic sometimes.
i need to find a middle ground.
and i feel like my bitchiness and sarcasm are destroying me.
i mean, i hope people understand i joke around most of the time with what i say but like..
what if they don't?
what if they really think i'm this much of a bitch.
i give off the wrong impression too often.
i just want to be the nice girl.
the one that's always with different people opposed to the same people all the time.
i love my different little groups but my time isn't divided the way i want it to be.
i want to be everything for everyone and that's half my problem.
i realized in mexico, that i love meeting new people and having them get to know you by talking to you.. not from what they hear about you from other people.
it gives you a chance to be who you are and not a word of mouth or a reputation.
i love it.
speaking of mexico, i met some really cool people.
it was what i wanted.
i wish we all lived closer and could hang out, or maybe that's what makes it special?
knowing you can talk but not really see each other again unless it's all worked out.
i think you meet people for a reason.
god, fate, the stars have everything planned out for a reason.
the reason being unknown, but that's the coolest part.
maybe it'll all make sense one day.
in mexico i hooked up with 2 guys haha.
whatever.
i had a good time and it was fun, so who cares.
i don't sleep with everyone. i have to actually feel some kind of connection with them on a mental level.
there is such a large difference between connecting with someone on a friend's level and on that higher level.
if you really sit down and like think about it... it's wild.
i just love that feeling of getting excited and wanting that person to just hold you.
and that's how i get when i find someone that i want to be with on that level.
i don't care if we have sex (even if i make it a point that i want it to happen.. which kind of bothers me how i do that).. i just want to connect with that person.
even if it's just staring into their eyes, i just want so much with that person.
and you find many of those people in life, it's odd.
of course i've slept with people out of pure drunken horniness but then there's been some guys where i just want them to hold me till the wee hours of the morning and kiss my head and different little spots on my body and talk about our wildest dreams together that usually would sound so whack-jobish with other people, but make utter and complete sense to us.
the only problem with that is that it can lead to disappointment.
and sometimes it just doesn't and won't and those are the best.
with donnie, i was head over heels. everyone knows this. but looking at our relationship and then at nights i had with other people... it's so weird to see how different things are. and how different connections you can have.
me and donnie would talk about our future house and kids and my career and we'd play our kissing game. but we never had pointless crazy conversations. we did randomly but not to the extent that i would have liked. not the ones i want(ed).
but at the same time, he's been the only one who i can really trust and really tell truthful things to.
my favorite was how he held me and how we slept. and the kisses on the forehead and the little sweet things that he did and didn't notice doing.
with wallie, we talked about how we both wanted to go to africa and all these different places to learn from it and really experience things. we talked about our families and their weird little quirks. it was never hardcore conversations, but nice filling ones. i liked how in the mornings he would rub my back to wake me up and kiss my shoulders. i hated how he was a slut and how letting go was so hard for him.
the summer hook-up was a drunken mess. i learned nothing from it except to never have it happen ever again. he was a good kisser but that's all i found pleasing.
shaun. oh shaun. we talked for hours at the bar. like... 6 hours or something. we were still talking as the bar closed at 4. i liked that he asked to kiss me. that he didn't care what happened, if we just laid together all night and talked. but of course, it was me who said sex. (what is my problem, geesh.) i don't know why, but i loved his arms. i liked how at the bar his arm was constantly touching me. it was a safe feeling. he made me like myself, i never felt awkward or self concious. and i admired him. he was emo and really had some heart. he was just genuine. i don't like that the next night i went to hang out with him and he was a jerk cause he was all coked out. we've talked online a lot. like, for days on end we were talking for like 3 hours a night about everything.. which was exciting. i felt like i got to see a new side of him that he wishes he could show everyone. he's too absent minded though.
jesse in cancun was an absolute sweetie... who lied about his age. the damn little youngin.
but just talking to him was nice. he's one of those boys that you want to talk to for hours and you'll feel like he's interested the entire time and exchanging little things back to you. i could talk to him for hours, i really could. he's just a great guy. ... but way to young. he was fun though.
and then this guy josh is making me want to move to california and play housewife haha.
that's so horrible, i know.
i'm pretty sure he'll never call me and i'll probably never see him again.. but believe me if he ever wanted to, i would.
he's 25 which i love.
and then at the same time i'm like.. oh geesh he'll be getting married probably in a few years and living his life and i'll be like... oooh best one night stand ever.
i wish i met him earlier on the vacation, especially considering he was staying two doors up from me.
he was really fun to talk to and like, an actual challenge. he matched me with remarks and was so cute with his little jests. i don't know.
i wish he was from this coast.
or i hope he's a real man and emails me.
that'd be hot... not going to happen (of course i hope it does) but yeah.
that's one thing. i hate when you meet someone cool and it's just like yeah.
do 25 year olds even go online? lol. i don't know.
i'm pathetic when i find guys i like.
and it was my last night to so what am i supposed to really say?
catch ya later? come to new york sometime from cali?
i got locked out of our room and so i went back to his room and i kept calling my room trying to wake up jen.
he fell asleep after waiting with me for a bit, poor boo.
so i left my number and email cause i'm sly and that way the option is always there.
even if he doesn't take it.
i don't know why i'm like so.. "ahh" about him.
he was a smart ass that i had fun with.
in bed he was great and i don't know.
i just want him to want to marry me haha.
during our little bed time fun, he put his head on mine and just looked into my eyes, i don't know, but i found that to be the clicking point for me. i was just like.. yeah, i'm officially in lust with you now.
shaun and josh are the kind of people that get me wanting to be who i want to be.
they made me feel so comfortable with myself and who i was. we had great conversations about our lives and random things and then we just connected on such an amazing level.
i need a relationship. i want a lasting thing right now.
i also wish josh the cali boy wanted to live in ny haha.
i'm pathetic.. i already know this.
i'm going to go pack now and stop thinking about my non-existent love life.
i'm not happy, i am happy.
i'm not confident, i am confident.
i'm not comfortable with myself, i am.
i'm not who i used to be, but i am.
but i'm really not.
that's the issue i guess i'm facing.
i am who i used to be, but at the same time i'm not.
i've grown up so much but i just can't figure out where i fit right now.
i admire so many qualities that other people have.
and i try to find ways that i can take some of them and mix it with who i am.
and i'm just never satisfied.
i know who i want to be.
i know what i want to accomplish.. and it's just so hard.
i know i'm like, a funny person.. which is fine whatever
but i feel like i need more serious things in my life.
i talk too much, i joke too much, and i'm too sarcastic sometimes.
i need to find a middle ground.
and i feel like my bitchiness and sarcasm are destroying me.
i mean, i hope people understand i joke around most of the time with what i say but like..
what if they don't?
what if they really think i'm this much of a bitch.
i give off the wrong impression too often.
i just want to be the nice girl.
the one that's always with different people opposed to the same people all the time.
i love my different little groups but my time isn't divided the way i want it to be.
i want to be everything for everyone and that's half my problem.
i realized in mexico, that i love meeting new people and having them get to know you by talking to you.. not from what they hear about you from other people.
it gives you a chance to be who you are and not a word of mouth or a reputation.
i love it.
speaking of mexico, i met some really cool people.
it was what i wanted.
i wish we all lived closer and could hang out, or maybe that's what makes it special?
knowing you can talk but not really see each other again unless it's all worked out.
i think you meet people for a reason.
god, fate, the stars have everything planned out for a reason.
the reason being unknown, but that's the coolest part.
maybe it'll all make sense one day.
in mexico i hooked up with 2 guys haha.
whatever.
i had a good time and it was fun, so who cares.
i don't sleep with everyone. i have to actually feel some kind of connection with them on a mental level.
there is such a large difference between connecting with someone on a friend's level and on that higher level.
if you really sit down and like think about it... it's wild.
i just love that feeling of getting excited and wanting that person to just hold you.
and that's how i get when i find someone that i want to be with on that level.
i don't care if we have sex (even if i make it a point that i want it to happen.. which kind of bothers me how i do that).. i just want to connect with that person.
even if it's just staring into their eyes, i just want so much with that person.
and you find many of those people in life, it's odd.
of course i've slept with people out of pure drunken horniness but then there's been some guys where i just want them to hold me till the wee hours of the morning and kiss my head and different little spots on my body and talk about our wildest dreams together that usually would sound so whack-jobish with other people, but make utter and complete sense to us.
the only problem with that is that it can lead to disappointment.
and sometimes it just doesn't and won't and those are the best.
with donnie, i was head over heels. everyone knows this. but looking at our relationship and then at nights i had with other people... it's so weird to see how different things are. and how different connections you can have.
me and donnie would talk about our future house and kids and my career and we'd play our kissing game. but we never had pointless crazy conversations. we did randomly but not to the extent that i would have liked. not the ones i want(ed).
but at the same time, he's been the only one who i can really trust and really tell truthful things to.
my favorite was how he held me and how we slept. and the kisses on the forehead and the little sweet things that he did and didn't notice doing.
with wallie, we talked about how we both wanted to go to africa and all these different places to learn from it and really experience things. we talked about our families and their weird little quirks. it was never hardcore conversations, but nice filling ones. i liked how in the mornings he would rub my back to wake me up and kiss my shoulders. i hated how he was a slut and how letting go was so hard for him.
the summer hook-up was a drunken mess. i learned nothing from it except to never have it happen ever again. he was a good kisser but that's all i found pleasing.
shaun. oh shaun. we talked for hours at the bar. like... 6 hours or something. we were still talking as the bar closed at 4. i liked that he asked to kiss me. that he didn't care what happened, if we just laid together all night and talked. but of course, it was me who said sex. (what is my problem, geesh.) i don't know why, but i loved his arms. i liked how at the bar his arm was constantly touching me. it was a safe feeling. he made me like myself, i never felt awkward or self concious. and i admired him. he was emo and really had some heart. he was just genuine. i don't like that the next night i went to hang out with him and he was a jerk cause he was all coked out. we've talked online a lot. like, for days on end we were talking for like 3 hours a night about everything.. which was exciting. i felt like i got to see a new side of him that he wishes he could show everyone. he's too absent minded though.
jesse in cancun was an absolute sweetie... who lied about his age. the damn little youngin.
but just talking to him was nice. he's one of those boys that you want to talk to for hours and you'll feel like he's interested the entire time and exchanging little things back to you. i could talk to him for hours, i really could. he's just a great guy. ... but way to young. he was fun though.
and then this guy josh is making me want to move to california and play housewife haha.
that's so horrible, i know.
i'm pretty sure he'll never call me and i'll probably never see him again.. but believe me if he ever wanted to, i would.
he's 25 which i love.
and then at the same time i'm like.. oh geesh he'll be getting married probably in a few years and living his life and i'll be like... oooh best one night stand ever.
i wish i met him earlier on the vacation, especially considering he was staying two doors up from me.
he was really fun to talk to and like, an actual challenge. he matched me with remarks and was so cute with his little jests. i don't know.
i wish he was from this coast.
or i hope he's a real man and emails me.
that'd be hot... not going to happen (of course i hope it does) but yeah.
that's one thing. i hate when you meet someone cool and it's just like yeah.
do 25 year olds even go online? lol. i don't know.
i'm pathetic when i find guys i like.
and it was my last night to so what am i supposed to really say?
catch ya later? come to new york sometime from cali?
i got locked out of our room and so i went back to his room and i kept calling my room trying to wake up jen.
he fell asleep after waiting with me for a bit, poor boo.
so i left my number and email cause i'm sly and that way the option is always there.
even if he doesn't take it.
i don't know why i'm like so.. "ahh" about him.
he was a smart ass that i had fun with.
in bed he was great and i don't know.
i just want him to want to marry me haha.
during our little bed time fun, he put his head on mine and just looked into my eyes, i don't know, but i found that to be the clicking point for me. i was just like.. yeah, i'm officially in lust with you now.
shaun and josh are the kind of people that get me wanting to be who i want to be.
they made me feel so comfortable with myself and who i was. we had great conversations about our lives and random things and then we just connected on such an amazing level.
i need a relationship. i want a lasting thing right now.
i also wish josh the cali boy wanted to live in ny haha.
i'm pathetic.. i already know this.
i'm going to go pack now and stop thinking about my non-existent love life.