take me away

[the_kina]

so i havent been able to feel anything real for a long time. nothing but superficial laughter and happiness. and dont get me wrong i like being happy but im not like that all the time. i egt it in moments when i spend time with my friends. but this underlying theme of being numb is something i dont want anymore. i dont know if i feel shitty with everything or frustrated or anything. it's jsut this contant strain of nothing. absolutely nothing. i dont like being cold. i need to feel something. i think maybe it's from the long time ive wasted thinking so much that ive come to not think at all anynmore. i space out and i cant feel. i cant hone in on one distint emotion it's just this big blur that im lost in. i dont like feeling numb but i find myself tyring to enhance the numbness so that i think im not aware that i dont feel. i look for ways to forget about being hollow which leads me to nothing. because the nezt morning what have i accomplished? nothing. more nothing and more emptiness. trying to numb myself of nothing is a ridiculous notion that doesnt work out. i am a contradiction. i am the contradiction. feel something. feel anything longlasting. how are you? i am. thats all. thats all anything is for me. how are things going? they're not. going anywhere. ever. not ina while and not anytimes to soon as far as i can see. im not unhappy, im not depresssed, hell im not really even all that contemplative. im, i dont know. indecisive i suppsoe. but there's nothing to decide sot hat doesnt count. i know i dont like this. i want to feel soething. and it's absolutely not about being depressed. id be sad. id be soemthing if i were. but im not. anything. gahd. i thought myself out of concious existence. oh well. it'll grow back right. thats what tehy always say. hopefully. i guess ill jsut wait.

again, a disclamer.
i love my friends and ive had a pretty good timet his summer. ha, typo. his summer. weird.
anyways. im not depressed. i swear. i do ahve good times adn i have great people surrounding me to keep them going on. it's just teh rest of the time. pretty blah. pretty blur. thats all.