If you don't want to read a rant, then don't read this one

[the_k_]

Every morning I awake to the words “She doesn’t take care of herself” sleeping around a mess of clothes and mangled bed sheets as I rise to meet another day. Another day I have to look forward to something without getting anywhere. Right now I am pinned, here to the refrigerator of my parent’s hopes and dreams while they slowly wither within my grasp. Time… the drops of acid to my soul. My mother is slowly getting ill. With an unknown symptom that no one seems to define. They blame it on her weight, these wonderful doctors of medicine. But they don’t live with the torturous sounds of my everyday life. They don’t wake up in the middle of the night and listen for sounds in the dark. They don’t watch as my mother is incapable of doing much for herself because the hindrances of her failing body. I wake up from a sound sleep if I even hear her cough. I am broke, and choked between the rock of everything weighted upon me. My father is slipping back into the years of his youth, mentally. He often yells at me for no reason but that he is right and I am wrong something he does not do. Never has done…until now. As my world falls apart around me slowly I try and grasp to things I hold dear, to friendship, to love, to my writing. My writing ever seeping through the pores of me these days. I have secluded all but a few from the banks of my troubled mind, and yet each of these only see the white sand and graceful waves of the front I place. All my dreams shattered against the windshield of my car as I’m going 90 trying to get away, but always turning around to come on back before the clock strikes 8. The car that has cost my mother money she doesn’t have. More money still. C’est Lave…such is life…and I think if I had a different head on this shoulder I wouldn’t dealing as well with it as I have. It is all a trail. Something you have to learn to progress to the next stage. Well…as much as I love learning, I am quite tired of this exam. My mother is in the hospital…even as I write this I get the pleasant phone call of my father telling me so. That these doctors need to run more and more tests. The tests that lead to pills that screw her up more, that lead to other problems and more tests and more drugs in the circle of my madness. She wouldn’t be in this mess if someone out there was just doing their professional job. Expert after expert. Bill after bill and nothing to show for it. The only thing I can say that brings tears to my eyes. Is the how proud I am of my mother. Though her body is an obstacle her mind is ever willing and ever strong. She did her dream of getting her Masters in less than nine months and I watched her walk that graduation stage and she had such joy on her face. Though she huffed and puffed from the hardness it is for her to breath, and hard for her to walk, she walked that stage and up those stairs receiving her diploma that beautiful piece of paper that means more than you know hangs on our wall. I can say, staring at the picture of her on such day, she floated across the room in her happiness and that no pain was going to bother her for the joy in her heart was so great. So if I lose her any time soon, which I hope isn’t soon, I can say that she went out with a bang. She is who keeps me strong, my mother. She is my strength to over come all my problems. She is who keeps me focused on my goals.

I don’t know how much of this makes sense
I don’t care really
It is release, for the bars of my confinement, are mine and mine alone

Catie Curtis - Hush

I don't know why the world does turn
I don't think I'll ever learn
And as for the disappointment I see in you
What can I do

I'm not gonna change that much
I"m an emotional girl that's what
I go low to high like June to July
It's the same every time

And I don't mind if you think I am broken
I don't mind if you think I am weak
I don't mind whatever you see
As long as you know my love is deep

You can't walk through this world unharmed
No matter your luck, your charms
And I want you to see me no matter what I'm going through
And I wanna see you

'Cause I don't mind if you think I am broken
I don't mind if you think I am weak
I don't mind whatever you see
As long as you know my love is deep

Whatever turns us to dust
Is just a matter of time I trust
And that's all we need here
There is no need to rush
So hush

'Cause I don't mind if you think I am broken
I don't mind if you think I am weak
I don't mind whatever you see
As long as you know my love is deep
As long as you know
I think you know me