O-Bla-di, o-bla-da
Things are a brewin.
I can feel it in my skin, in my thoughts, and in my motions...
There are two main schools of thought concerning change. One believes that things are thrown at you, and you choose how to change based on that uncontrolled event. The other, believes that a path in your life comes to an end and the change lies within the choice of course. Perhaps they both happen. Who knows. But I do know that my current life has reached an unexpected wall. I tried to fight it. I tried to find creative ways to live with it. But this trip, this semester really, was all about figuring out that I jsut have to accept it.
I was lured not by money or by power, but by stability. That was my rationale for getting caught up in the "business" tidal wave. However, like I first thought, it's not for me. STudying business and being "that student" is not me. Sure, it was rewarding to see my resume getting fatter with every bullshit unpaid internship I worked my ass off for. And NO i never took those jobs for the sole purpose of a resume. That is not me. I did them for the sake of trying out different jobs and professions. But i finally realized that is JUST AS BAD. I was sacraficing living my life as a 20 year old for the sake of knowing how to live my life as a 25 year old. Or a 30 year old. why? Why? WHY?! for stability. For the prestige of stability.
Let me ask you something. Why is it my bosses in every job I have ever held asked me what my long-term goals are. Of course I accepted the interview bait, and I wowed them with my lofty goals that pertained to their profession. They weren't ever lies, but rather extreme extensions of passions in my life. Of course they ate them up, and of course I got the job. But why do people do that? They should know and understand the mentality of trying things. Why do your parents only get excited by the long-term? by the stability answers? Why do all adults expect you to have an answer waiting for their small talk questions?
Next time someone expects me to have a good answer to their non-chalant "and what path have you chosen in life" question, I'm just going to turn it around on them and ask "did you find something to be happy with for the rest of your life?" Morever, did you find that something at 20 years old? No bitch. I didn't think so.
That brings me to my next point. I am SO GRATEFUL that I have gotten to live a charmed life up until this point. Throughout my life I have gotten or have had the ability to obtain almost any material possession I could ever ask for. My parents, while not Bill Gates, had the ability to show me a priveldige life style. And looking back, it's not the things that I have loved but the overview of living that way. It has shown me the place that so many people strive to be, the level that so many people want for themselves or their kids is not THAT GREAT. Its cool. But its a fucking balck hole. The emptiness stretches on for infinity. It makes me so sad to think that there are millions of people out there wishing and working for the lifestyle that will bring them no higher satisfaction. My dad was that way. His parents raised him to think that material possessions and money were the end to every means. And so he got that goal and I can see the effects in my parents retirement. It's not like other people who are so happy int heir retirement. Those people are just happy to finally have an exhale in their lives from all the bullshit jobs they have held to work in order to live. My parents are early retirees faced with boredom, emptiness, and anxiety because they acheieved MATERIAL.
Now I'm not saying how my dad did that was bad. Or that his motive was ever clear. He was good at what he did. POint blank. He enjoyed what he did. Point blank. But that thing... that looming thing... that hangs in the air in disguise as the yellow finish line tape in a marathon race... it hasn't provided the elation that he expected or my mom expected. So, what does that mean? To me, it means he never had the right end in mind. And now that he is begginning to see that his toys he purchases aren't giving him satisfaction and piece of mind he thought they would.
And to think. So many people strive for this, dream of this, sell their souls for this... If they could only know.
If there was a way to translate my life and feelings and thoughts into anothers head I would devot my entire life to educate people on the reality. I feel like if people could understand this concept of material ceiling and happiness within that ceiling, then they could begin to focus on REAL goals. And real feelings towards life.
But sadly this will never happen because a lot of times people that live charmed or pretend to lived charmed don't even understand it. GOD, to think some people will NEVER comprehend that it isn't the jewlery shops in st. Thomas. Or the pictures of you smiling in st. thomas. Or the souveniors that say you've been to st. thomas. But rather its feeling of diving into the open ocean. Feeling the gift of salty goodness in the beautiful bath water. enjoying the serenity of nature as the waves crash on the beach. Not taking pictures of smiling, but REMEMBERING your experience because you were smiling. Not purchasing souveniors from the store to take back to your friends to PROVE that you went there and to demand the credibility and prestige thaqt comes from knowing something foreign, BUT RATHER TO ENJOY THE CULTURE. SEEK OUT THE DIFFERENCES AND TAKE THAT MENTALITY AND THAT LIFE AND KEEP IT INSIDE TO FURTHER YOUR OWN AWARNESS OF LIFE.
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. ITS NOT THE PEOPLE THAT ARE STARVING IN AFRICA, OR THE LITTLE GIRLS THAT GET RAPED IN CAMBODIA THAT MAKE ME DEPRESSED. ITS THIS. ITS THIS FACT THAT OUR WORLD IS PLAGUED WITH THESE IDEALS. AND PEOPLE SWALLOW THEM.
FUCK i know this is extreme. But in so many ways our world has become a matrix.
Its so hard for me to find happy days when I'm surrounded by constant reminders of how people ARENT living.