(no subject)
my head is buzzing and my body feels electric...but for all this psychic energy, i am blank...i came to work today because i couldn't think of anything better to do...i need to vacuum and do laundry but i spent all yesterday afternoon reading...i was exhausted after a day at dog beach and so was my little paco...he crashed out when we got home and ignored all the kitties sniffing him...i feel the excitement of expectation...not that i know him, because i don't, but that i might get to know him...i feel like i've been alone for so long in this crazy head of mine, i wouldn't even know how to let anyone in...i feel like i have to keep up this front of being superwoman, independent and strong and sassy, and i don't know how someone - a certain someone - would react to seeing my weakness...all i let him see is the me that doesn't need anyone else, when that is such a lie...and then i wonder what i would even do with a boyfriend, when my life is quiet and removed and self-contained...someone to camp with, ride roller coasters with, hug & kiss...and then there's all that other crapola that i have tried to put behind me...there are so many things i would rather not have to admit that i've done, not that i'm necessarily ashamed, but saying them brings them back, and that is just a painful reminder that i have spent much of my life being stupid and selfish and wasteful...but the more i pretend to be this grown-up successful woman, the more it becomes true...and i just have to trust that if i ever love & am loved again, they will not care about my past...my soul has been quiet lately, but his kiss kickstarted something in me that leaves me trembling and trying to remember the line of his jaw & the softness of his hair, the way his hand felt on my cheek, the blue of his eyes & the gap in his teeth, and i wonder if i can be objective enough to do what is best for me and my life...i stopped dating a year ago because i knew i was making awful choices, and i needed time to be alone so that i could figure out what kind of man would be good for me...well, i've gotten a substantial raise at work, i have lost 35 pounds (with 40 more to go), i have fucked up and done some other awful things...on the whole though i feel stronger than i did on the eve of my 29th birthday, and now that 30 is around the corner, maybe i am ready to give to someone else while still holding on to what i have, and what i have become...