please::
so yesterday morning i had my wisdom teeth taken out, and it was easily the most pleasurable surgery i've had. then the rest of the day i layed around icing my jaw and i took a nap for a bit. then around time for homecoming my rents didn't want me to go cause i wasn't supposed to exert my self in the first 24 hours, but what the fuck do i care it's not like i have ever been smart enough to care about not hurting myself. so yeah, then i was gonna walk cause i also wasn't supposed to drive. then my dad said he'd give me a ride but i was pissed at him so i decided to just go to bed, which was a big failure and perfect isolation which only aided to the depression swelling inside me. so i came downstairs and sat in my kitchen trying to control myself from punching a hole through a wall. i started taking deep breaths like bill did that one time i had to pick him up when his car broke down and it really seemed to work quite well. haha. so maybe he's not such a freak after all, well, okay he is. haha. so yeah then i asked my mom if i could just drive and she kinda got pissed and said i can do whatever i want. so i grabed my keys and went to the game. which was a horrible horrible idea. i was looking for mark but first i saw katie which was funny, cause well yeah. haha. then i ran into suz and heather and tim. talked to tim for a bit then i went looking for mark again. ran into jess walsh which was cool at first, then she sucked at life so i went away. i think i found eric, erika, etc. hung out with them for a bit, then me and eric went to find mark in the bleachers. and i stood up right next to elizabeth, which was probly my favorite part of the night. cause i missed her, and she's my favorite cousin, and probly the only person at the game that truely cares about me. so yeah, then i found mark, the game ended. and by that time i needed to take a razor to my wrist like a drunk needs a shot. but alas skweak ran into me and told me he had an eight with my name on it in his car. *i forgot to add that i saw mikey p and it was freaking great also* so yeah then i didn't get an eigth. and i headed over to dougies to get fucked up and forget about the whole day. but i became dd and by the time i was drinking eveybody was passing out. so i only had one beer. but plenty bong rips. and yeah last night was the first time i have ever seen mark trashed. it was weird. i felt shitty about it cause i kept pouring him funnels. then he made an ass out of himself so much. so yeah, then i left dougies wicked early, came home, and slept until like 12. i woke up, felt like shit all day, and here i am writing in the useless journal trying to achieve some sort of relief from this shitty shitty shitty weekend i'm having. i don't think i can stay here tonight. i need to leave. but i don't particularly feel like coming back. it's just that homecoming really parted the curtain of fog. and i don't like what i saw. i don't have any friends in clifton park. to be completely honest i feel like the only friend i have is mike and once again i feel like i have been nothing but a blind asshole to that blatant fact. and yeah yeah go ahead, tell me what you'd like about love, friendship, and anti-depressing statements written by maniacs in hospitals. but i know there's nothing here for me. i've trapped myself deep inside. if only courage could save me now. if only bravery could weild knives through skin. if only..