I love whatever you become...
Let's see... This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotion and I'll try to let you guys know how it went as best as I can. My Grandpa's funeral service was on Friday in Redondo Beach. It was a really nice peaceful 'goodbye' to my Grandpa Quint. We got on a boat and just started sailing. The sun was setting so the horizon was beautiful and there were dolphins jumping alongside our boat (yeah I know, right out of a movie). So we got out about 2 miles and we then said a prayer and some poems, shared some memories of my grandpa. I shared all the times he was acting crazy because, well I was thinking about it, it seemed like such a pain in the ass at the time, but I realized that deep down I really loved him and the everything he did. Whether he was out at 2 a.m. "Protecting the Fort" or "Trying to fix the truck" with a screwdriver. They were memories I'm always going to cherish. When we were done sharing our stories, we places his ashes in the water and watched them scatter acound. Maybe it was just me, but I could have sworn that it made the water light up to a light turquoise color. I knew that was him saying It's alright, see? We covered the water with rose petals and each had a carnation to say a prayer and our own personal message to. I said, "Thank you grandpa for all that you've done for me, I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for you (Literally, and I'm not talking about giving birth to my mom or something like that) I hope I made you proud and continue to make you proud as you watch me from Heaven. I love you Grandpa and I really am going to miss you." I Kissed the carnation and threw it in the water on top of the rose petals and it was finished. I said my Goodbye to My Grandpa Quint. Well, Another thought went though my mind and I know it shouldn't have, but it's almost a second nature to me now. I couldn't help but thinking, on the way back, Am I next? Am I going to be the next one that everyone is going to cry and laugh at the same time about? Am I going to be the next one to cause such joyful pain to everyone? Am I going to be the one who people avoid talking about because it could spark some unwanted emotion? Am I going to be the next one remembered when a certain song comes on or a certain movie is watched? I was thinking, Am I going to be the next one to die? I really don't know the answer, If I wanted to be realistic I would say yes. Yes I am going to be the next one in this family to part. And you know something? As I was watching the sun hide behind the ocean, with tears in my eyes acting as prisms, I decided I'm alright with that. I don't fear death. I'm not afraid to die. If I were to die, I wouldn't feel deprived of a good life because I know I lived the one I had how I wanted to. To no other person's standards but mine. Which is all anyone can ask for, really. Those who are reading this, don't take this as my resignation on life and being healthy. I'm still going to prolong this life as long as I can. I'm just saying, what comes will come and I can't do a dang thing about it. And I'm ready for it. I have never been more ready for anything in my life. Good Night.
-Kevin
-Kevin