You can never step into the same river twice.
Even though I acknowledge it to be a very important part of my character and personality, how I look at the world, there are various reasons why I don't go around all the time declaring to all and sundry (in person, and online) that I am asexual. Familial and professional reasons, to be sure, but also the deeply personal reason which is that I feel ambiguous at times about the unspoken but near-universally expected committment which gets attached to certain labels we use (like straight, queer, bisexual, etc.).
I identify with Contemplative Daoism as a philosophy (if not as a religion) because I feel an instinctive kinship with its teachings, particularly the Taoist insistence on the inadequacy of names to capture the reality, as well as the fluidity of all things, and the ubiquity and constancy of change, which Heraclitus also believed in (eg. see the subject heading of this post).
Unlike race, or gender - other frequently labelled aspects of identity which I think nevertheless have acquired sufficient degrees of nuance and complexity in our current day society's understanding of them to not be absolutely binding or deterministic - non-mainstream sexualities remain subject to ignorance and over-simplistic stereotypes. I am sometimes obligated or called upon to explain (or excuse) my asexuality in a way I never have to for being Chinese; and the idea that my individual experiences are then measured up against, or held up as, some kind of typical "asexual" identity is honestly quite alarming to me. Because surely such a thing does not (cannot) exist?
Recently, I caught up with a former classmate who has moved to live in Shanghai to be with her boyfriend who works there. We were not close friends when we were at high school together (my standards for friendship are high), but I thought well of her, and I appreciated the chance to get to know her a bit more as a result of her geographical relocation. Chatting about the last 7 years we've been through since last seeing one another over a drink (or five), she asked me the inevitable question about the status of my love-life, and I responded, with the mix of confidence and self-deprecation that I reserve for such moments, that, Actually, I am asexual, and I'm comfortable with that, but who knows, maybe it's just a phase I'm going through.
And the remarkable thing - the truly lovely, and amazing thing - was that she didn't take the escape route, the "out", that I gave her, didn't nod and say You know, maybe you're right.
No, not a phase, was what she said instead. It's just who you are right now. And even if you change later on, in five years or in ten, now-You and then-You will both be equally You.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
This entry was originally posted at http://the-grynne.dreamwidth.org/932133.html and has
comments.
I identify with Contemplative Daoism as a philosophy (if not as a religion) because I feel an instinctive kinship with its teachings, particularly the Taoist insistence on the inadequacy of names to capture the reality, as well as the fluidity of all things, and the ubiquity and constancy of change, which Heraclitus also believed in (eg. see the subject heading of this post).
Unlike race, or gender - other frequently labelled aspects of identity which I think nevertheless have acquired sufficient degrees of nuance and complexity in our current day society's understanding of them to not be absolutely binding or deterministic - non-mainstream sexualities remain subject to ignorance and over-simplistic stereotypes. I am sometimes obligated or called upon to explain (or excuse) my asexuality in a way I never have to for being Chinese; and the idea that my individual experiences are then measured up against, or held up as, some kind of typical "asexual" identity is honestly quite alarming to me. Because surely such a thing does not (cannot) exist?
Recently, I caught up with a former classmate who has moved to live in Shanghai to be with her boyfriend who works there. We were not close friends when we were at high school together (my standards for friendship are high), but I thought well of her, and I appreciated the chance to get to know her a bit more as a result of her geographical relocation. Chatting about the last 7 years we've been through since last seeing one another over a drink (or five), she asked me the inevitable question about the status of my love-life, and I responded, with the mix of confidence and self-deprecation that I reserve for such moments, that, Actually, I am asexual, and I'm comfortable with that, but who knows, maybe it's just a phase I'm going through.
And the remarkable thing - the truly lovely, and amazing thing - was that she didn't take the escape route, the "out", that I gave her, didn't nod and say You know, maybe you're right.
No, not a phase, was what she said instead. It's just who you are right now. And even if you change later on, in five years or in ten, now-You and then-You will both be equally You.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
This entry was originally posted at http://the-grynne.dreamwidth.org/932133.html and has
comments.