(no subject)
Okay, I was originally only going to write all this crap down in LiveJournal because right now, LiveJournal is the only place I feel comfortable "talking", on the internet at least. The internet is such crap, I hate it. But LiveJournal is more like me talking to myself, perfect for when I have to talk about something thats maybe worth enough to take the effort to talk about, but have nobody to talk to...sort of like I'm talking to myself. But I was listening to the music as I wrote it, I was listening to the music when I was done and I'm still listening to the music RIGHT NOW and feel like I've just got to slit open my stomach and throw my guts out at everyone so that they have an idea of what I'm feeling right now. So I'm also writing this crap everywhere else on the internet that I have posted at or have been a part of a community of, and I care not who/if anyone feels good/bad/neutral/confused or whatever. This is the first time I've actually been happy about something in a long time and I'm going to tell everyone I'm able to, if they want to hear about it or not. Honestly, I could care less if people want to hear the stupid stupid things I have to say, and I don't care that people think that I'm a fucktard for getting excited about this stupid stupid little thing in my life (in my head) while everything else is gone to hell, but I don't care. And I promise that once I get this one last blabbering out, I'll go away again and disappear and you'll never have to think of me again. I know later, when the excitement is gone, I'm going to look back at now and think, "You asshole, nobody caaaares, people have been saying what you said since the music first came, why'd you have to go off and bother helpless other people with your stupid little feelings and stupid little opinions..." but it's not later right now, it's now right now, so I'm going to shut the hell up and just hit the submit button before I have a chance to come back down to reality and realize that what I wrote or think or feel doesn't matter...I'm just another ant. But I'm an ant with headphones mutherfucker.
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I've always been a huge fan of Nirvana. They came out and got popular right at that time when I was hitting puberty. It was the first band I've ever been a fan of, it was the first time I really "listened" to music and realized how amazing and powerful it was.
It wasn't because of all the popularity or anything, I think I fell in love with them before all that went down, or at least just when it was starting. In fact, I can remember the EXACT time I first heard Nevermind. I'd hang out with a buddy of mine down the road all the time, we were best friends since 2nd grade. Anyway, I walked into his house ("Hey".."Hey") and he had the TV on. On the TV was MTV. And on MTV was Nevermind. I freakin literally almost pissed my pants. I was like, "Dude...who the HELL was that!?!?!??!" I got the album and listened to it nonstop. I was amazed that just some sound waves, just some vibrating vocal chords, just a grouping of chords could rack my body with such powerful emotions and feelings. I felt like running outside and headbutting every authority figure I saw (which, at 12-14 is just about everyone).
Then I got into other music, listened to other styles and 10ish years later, I listen to a ton of different music. I've always still been a fan of Nirvana (and after that, a HUGE fan of the Foo Fighters), but after so many years of listened to different good and bad music, I sort of lost touch with what made Nirvana so amazing to me. It's like I listen to it because I like it but there's no 1zillion volt connection to the music like there was when I first experienced it.
Well....to make a long complicated story short, I've been in a really rough time the past couple months, even more so the last week or two. I won't go into it cause I don't like to bitch and I don't like to throw my problems on other people, but basically...I guess to put it simply, I've been incredibly depressed. Nobody notices cause I try and put on a happy face when I'm out, try and smile and joke around like "normal", but inside my head, its a freakin ~mess~.
I listened to Nevermind last night on my headphones while I was in bed falling asleep. I really really listened to it, to it all, not just hearing the sounds. Oh. My. God. It was like I heard it for the first time. Those same feelings I felt when I was 13 at my friends house I felt last night and I stayed up until like 4 in the morning listening to it over and over again.
And I'm still listening to it now, while I'm typing these very words!!! I mean, the whole album is just wracking me with feelings I didn't know I had or forgot existed, especially "Lithium". I AM SO THERE. That song is me to the absolute core right now.
I just can't get enough of it. Why can't all music do this. I've not heard a single band or artist that has ever affected me this way without the use of drugs.
Okay, that's it. *shifty eyes* I'm going to go pick some flowers. Or maybe kick some old guy in the nuts. Or maybe slit my wrists.
~Rich!
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
'Cause I've found god
Hey, hey hey
I'm so lonely, but that's okay, I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard ...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay ...
My will is good
Hey, hey hey
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
...no, I'm not okay, so you can stop wondering...
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I've always been a huge fan of Nirvana. They came out and got popular right at that time when I was hitting puberty. It was the first band I've ever been a fan of, it was the first time I really "listened" to music and realized how amazing and powerful it was.
It wasn't because of all the popularity or anything, I think I fell in love with them before all that went down, or at least just when it was starting. In fact, I can remember the EXACT time I first heard Nevermind. I'd hang out with a buddy of mine down the road all the time, we were best friends since 2nd grade. Anyway, I walked into his house ("Hey".."Hey") and he had the TV on. On the TV was MTV. And on MTV was Nevermind. I freakin literally almost pissed my pants. I was like, "Dude...who the HELL was that!?!?!??!" I got the album and listened to it nonstop. I was amazed that just some sound waves, just some vibrating vocal chords, just a grouping of chords could rack my body with such powerful emotions and feelings. I felt like running outside and headbutting every authority figure I saw (which, at 12-14 is just about everyone).
Then I got into other music, listened to other styles and 10ish years later, I listen to a ton of different music. I've always still been a fan of Nirvana (and after that, a HUGE fan of the Foo Fighters), but after so many years of listened to different good and bad music, I sort of lost touch with what made Nirvana so amazing to me. It's like I listen to it because I like it but there's no 1zillion volt connection to the music like there was when I first experienced it.
Well....to make a long complicated story short, I've been in a really rough time the past couple months, even more so the last week or two. I won't go into it cause I don't like to bitch and I don't like to throw my problems on other people, but basically...I guess to put it simply, I've been incredibly depressed. Nobody notices cause I try and put on a happy face when I'm out, try and smile and joke around like "normal", but inside my head, its a freakin ~mess~.
I listened to Nevermind last night on my headphones while I was in bed falling asleep. I really really listened to it, to it all, not just hearing the sounds. Oh. My. God. It was like I heard it for the first time. Those same feelings I felt when I was 13 at my friends house I felt last night and I stayed up until like 4 in the morning listening to it over and over again.
And I'm still listening to it now, while I'm typing these very words!!! I mean, the whole album is just wracking me with feelings I didn't know I had or forgot existed, especially "Lithium". I AM SO THERE. That song is me to the absolute core right now.
I just can't get enough of it. Why can't all music do this. I've not heard a single band or artist that has ever affected me this way without the use of drugs.
Okay, that's it. *shifty eyes* I'm going to go pick some flowers. Or maybe kick some old guy in the nuts. Or maybe slit my wrists.
~Rich!
I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you ...
We broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
'Cause I've found god
Hey, hey hey
I'm so lonely, but that's okay, I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard ...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay ...
My will is good
Hey, hey hey
I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack
...no, I'm not okay, so you can stop wondering...