Como si hubiera hormigas
So I know only two of you will read this, tops, but I think I've discovered the source of my problems this year: I don't know who I am anymore. And I know that sounds retarded, but seriously, I can't say. Like a list of adjectives? Every time I think of one I think I'm also the opposite, so how can I be either? And what do I like? The only definitive thing I can think of is softball. And like.... spending time with people I like. What's important to me? I don't even know. Like.... my friends are probably the most important people in my life, and I've been a terrible friend.... all around.... :( Grah. I don't even know what to do.
It's like there's these two worlds, and I want to be part of both of them, but I can't.... I can only pick one. But I don't WANT TO. DAMMIT. And today I was sitting in the commons, reading, during 6th, and I thought, am I going to be one of those girls who doesn't have any friends from high school because she spent all her time with her boyfriend? That SUCKS. I don't want that. But at the same time, I REALLY like Colin. My frigging emotional whatever in my brain is like the goddamn Western Front. (That sentence reminded me of Catcher in the Rye for some reason) But.... AGH. I've got this retarded inferiority complex bullshit going on, too. Like, OMG everyone hates me. I'm so stupid. I'm so ugly. I have a shitty personaliy, why does anyone even talk to me? And I think I tend to be a complete poser because I like people to like me. Is that terrible? Am I being stupid? Is this really weird for an almost 17-year-old girl to be thinking about this stuff?
And sometimes.... I can't stand people who pretend to be what they're not. But then I'm like, um, what? You do that. I have this theory that people hate what they see of themselves in other people. Their bad qualities, at the very least. So I'm always terrified of that, too. And I always think I'm being a bitch when I think stuff like, shut up, those aren't even your words, stop being unoriginal. I wanna be friendly and accepting. I want so badly to be accepting. To not even be bothered by stuff like that. But I don't know how to help it....
But see? Everything is just sprouting from the fact that I'm so indecisive, that I'm like split..... I dunno. Maybe I'll feel better now. You probably shouldn't have read that, I'm sure it's really stupid. It was just free-flow thoughts. So sorry about that.
It's like there's these two worlds, and I want to be part of both of them, but I can't.... I can only pick one. But I don't WANT TO. DAMMIT. And today I was sitting in the commons, reading, during 6th, and I thought, am I going to be one of those girls who doesn't have any friends from high school because she spent all her time with her boyfriend? That SUCKS. I don't want that. But at the same time, I REALLY like Colin. My frigging emotional whatever in my brain is like the goddamn Western Front. (That sentence reminded me of Catcher in the Rye for some reason) But.... AGH. I've got this retarded inferiority complex bullshit going on, too. Like, OMG everyone hates me. I'm so stupid. I'm so ugly. I have a shitty personaliy, why does anyone even talk to me? And I think I tend to be a complete poser because I like people to like me. Is that terrible? Am I being stupid? Is this really weird for an almost 17-year-old girl to be thinking about this stuff?
And sometimes.... I can't stand people who pretend to be what they're not. But then I'm like, um, what? You do that. I have this theory that people hate what they see of themselves in other people. Their bad qualities, at the very least. So I'm always terrified of that, too. And I always think I'm being a bitch when I think stuff like, shut up, those aren't even your words, stop being unoriginal. I wanna be friendly and accepting. I want so badly to be accepting. To not even be bothered by stuff like that. But I don't know how to help it....
But see? Everything is just sprouting from the fact that I'm so indecisive, that I'm like split..... I dunno. Maybe I'll feel better now. You probably shouldn't have read that, I'm sure it's really stupid. It was just free-flow thoughts. So sorry about that.