so.......
i am waiting. thus the background. waiting and waiting and waiting some more. i got married because i love this man. he's only a boy when he is extremely angry, but then i'm only a girl when i am terribly sad. he's intelligent, attractive, funny and witty (yes there's a difference), sincere and honest. and he's a thousand miles away. i miss him. he runs marathons in my mind and the only thing that gives his constant memory rest is his warm voice over a telephone line. those are my moments of peace. the average half hour a day that i get to talk to him is my treat. it's my salvation. i've never known a person who could comfort and sooth and excite me so easily, and i'm sorry, but in the face of that, everything else is pale. i feel like a shadow of myself, and i have since he left. my heart's not in anything i do these days because it is with him, but very slowly it is coming back. i'll see him in november. we will be together on the 5-month anniversary of our wedding day and i'll be able to fall asleep next to the one person who is perfect for me. in november. more than a month away and i'm already fighting suspense. i want to be with him. i need him. i never thought i'd need a man, and i always thought it was weakness to even consider the possibility, but as it turns out, there's just no fighting it. it's bigger than me and it's bigger than him and when i'm with him i can hardly contain myself. it has been that way from the day we met, and from that day until the day he kissed me, i was constantly at war with myself. i told myself not to be an idiot, to get off it, forget it, he's your friend, he could hurt you. i was terrified and exhilarated at the start and now the fear has passed. the rest has not.
what's funny is that every other person i ever thought i could be with, come to love, i have let go of within 3 months or less. these past people, they were too much or too little. they left me feeling lonely even in their respective companies and failed to retain my attention, my affection and interest, on all levels. i am shocked that i've met this man. here. now. i hate it here. i'm so young. it doesn't matter. whatever i have that may pass for a soul is fully aware that this man may just as well be the only man in the world, and that the world is an utter bitch for keeping so many miles between us.
what's funny is that every other person i ever thought i could be with, come to love, i have let go of within 3 months or less. these past people, they were too much or too little. they left me feeling lonely even in their respective companies and failed to retain my attention, my affection and interest, on all levels. i am shocked that i've met this man. here. now. i hate it here. i'm so young. it doesn't matter. whatever i have that may pass for a soul is fully aware that this man may just as well be the only man in the world, and that the world is an utter bitch for keeping so many miles between us.