Nightmares and Spiritual Repairs...
The weather changing, or rather flipping back and forth from summer to fall, is messing with me again- had one of those "worst fear" dreams last night. Mainly that I was old and alone in a nursing home, and that I could 'feel' that I was dying, and that I wasn't ready, deeply unsure about the afterlife, screaming for someone to give me comfort.
Yeah, that is about the sum of all my fears. One just needs to add in bees. I used to have dreams once in a while that I would wake up being enveloped in feelings of comfort and security, usually in some forest setting, sometimes a farm/field setting- something like my own Fiddler's Green. Its been a while since I had one of those dreams. After last night's mental manifestations, I really miss them.
I blame Carol Burnett. I watched her on Law and Order or some damn thing last night and she was playing a surreal character, somewhat Sunset Blvd, and somewhat like one of my relatives in tone, but one who is terminal by the end of the episode.
One good thing did sort of happen this weekend- through Facebook I got in contact with my ex-stepfather and ex-stepsister. I don't expect grand friendships nor hearty reminiscing to come out of the latter since we were never that close, never had to live together, my stepsister loathed my mother and the years *they* lived together might have qualified as a war if had it been a small country.
It is nice that B seemed to be genuinely excited to hear from me and what we have been up to in the last nine years, and it seems that E doesn't hold bad feelings against me.
I liked B as my stepfather, he was the first nice guy my mother dated, didn't mind she had a kid, and actually kind of liked that kid. He had thought I didn't want him involved in my family's life all this time. My mother gave him that impression when she left him, and he was never told essentially that I too 'divorced' her some years ago.
Anyways, he knows differently as of this weekend and I feel a bit better somewhere in my soul for it. I imagine only cards and pictures will get exchanged at holidays, I don't expect to be suddenly accepted as part of his family, and he doesn't seem like a Facebook kind of guy, but still...part of me glad to be able clear out some fog.
Yeah, that is about the sum of all my fears. One just needs to add in bees. I used to have dreams once in a while that I would wake up being enveloped in feelings of comfort and security, usually in some forest setting, sometimes a farm/field setting- something like my own Fiddler's Green. Its been a while since I had one of those dreams. After last night's mental manifestations, I really miss them.
I blame Carol Burnett. I watched her on Law and Order or some damn thing last night and she was playing a surreal character, somewhat Sunset Blvd, and somewhat like one of my relatives in tone, but one who is terminal by the end of the episode.
One good thing did sort of happen this weekend- through Facebook I got in contact with my ex-stepfather and ex-stepsister. I don't expect grand friendships nor hearty reminiscing to come out of the latter since we were never that close, never had to live together, my stepsister loathed my mother and the years *they* lived together might have qualified as a war if had it been a small country.
It is nice that B seemed to be genuinely excited to hear from me and what we have been up to in the last nine years, and it seems that E doesn't hold bad feelings against me.
I liked B as my stepfather, he was the first nice guy my mother dated, didn't mind she had a kid, and actually kind of liked that kid. He had thought I didn't want him involved in my family's life all this time. My mother gave him that impression when she left him, and he was never told essentially that I too 'divorced' her some years ago.
Anyways, he knows differently as of this weekend and I feel a bit better somewhere in my soul for it. I imagine only cards and pictures will get exchanged at holidays, I don't expect to be suddenly accepted as part of his family, and he doesn't seem like a Facebook kind of guy, but still...part of me glad to be able clear out some fog.