I vant to be alone...
...to a degree.
One of the things about having opposite schedules is that one simply cannot choose to clock out attending to kids needs during their shift. I would say 85% of the time I am fine with this, but it is a bit flustering sometimes, especially those times where you finally have "me" time, and it feels like you still have to use that time for chores that you couldn't get done while the kids are awake.
For one, I am a hard wired loner- I lived by myself for the most part by 16, and there were days in high school and college where I would not speak to anyone for entire weekends. I was pretty clean, usually only had my own messes to deal with, so chores as they were, were pretty quick. There was a lonely feeling, sure, but there was also a 'today I can get up when I want and do whatever the hell I want' thing too. I still get times where after so many days of a busy stretch of someone needing attention and someone else demanding attention my brain buzzes with an underlying notion of "Too much contact, give me space, stop touching me, stop touching me". Of course, you can't actually say that, particularly the youngins. I really am trying to *not* foster that same upbringing that I had of a 'no physical affection' family, but its really an effort when my body still jumps back in old programming.
Then there is also that thing of 'sure, I can take a break from this and that for a night" but then the tendency is that it still waits for you in larger increments. Or at least I think it does. Its that same reasoning why I can't *not* check my work email while on vacations (or when I was on mat leaves), and for good reason, no one else was doing the work when I wasn't doing it. In some ways, yeah it means I am a hard worker, but really its a lot of feeling punished with more work for taking a break.
What am I wishing for here? Seems like a two part thing- I do want a 'me' day out, maybe once a month, once a season. Not a girls night out or a not out with friends really- though I'd like them, too. Its a bit different for me to be around friends because then I have to remember to be social and friendly and stuff, it is a maintenance cycle and it does exhaust me for different reasons. Do you sigh in relief when friends leave your house or you leave theirs? I do, probably for everyone but my husband and my childhood friend who know the extent of my personality quirks. I have to blame my upbringing again for that.
No, I want a 'me' day- a day at the mall perhaps. Halloween or Christmas shopping by myself. Maybe once I get a membership at the aquatic center I can dedicate a full day to that here and there. A day at a spa if I knew what I was supposed to do at one. Something out of the house. Something that involves a bunch of hours where I am not in mom/wife/employee/social mode. I don't mind those roles, but in the back of my mind, I am still trying to reach that part of me that used to get up and go for random walks day or night, go and get random comfort food that I didnt have to share, or spend nearly an entire day doing nothing but reading or writing in bed in quiet.
The second half though is after doing...whatever, that I would not have too much waiting for me to do when I got back. No 'punishment' for taking time out (me applying the concept of 'punishment', not from outside). Don't know how that would be done without making my husband feel he has to take on double the work himself, but hey we are talking wishes, not demands or plans here. Maybe once that lotto hits a maid service or something...
One of the things about having opposite schedules is that one simply cannot choose to clock out attending to kids needs during their shift. I would say 85% of the time I am fine with this, but it is a bit flustering sometimes, especially those times where you finally have "me" time, and it feels like you still have to use that time for chores that you couldn't get done while the kids are awake.
For one, I am a hard wired loner- I lived by myself for the most part by 16, and there were days in high school and college where I would not speak to anyone for entire weekends. I was pretty clean, usually only had my own messes to deal with, so chores as they were, were pretty quick. There was a lonely feeling, sure, but there was also a 'today I can get up when I want and do whatever the hell I want' thing too. I still get times where after so many days of a busy stretch of someone needing attention and someone else demanding attention my brain buzzes with an underlying notion of "Too much contact, give me space, stop touching me, stop touching me". Of course, you can't actually say that, particularly the youngins. I really am trying to *not* foster that same upbringing that I had of a 'no physical affection' family, but its really an effort when my body still jumps back in old programming.
Then there is also that thing of 'sure, I can take a break from this and that for a night" but then the tendency is that it still waits for you in larger increments. Or at least I think it does. Its that same reasoning why I can't *not* check my work email while on vacations (or when I was on mat leaves), and for good reason, no one else was doing the work when I wasn't doing it. In some ways, yeah it means I am a hard worker, but really its a lot of feeling punished with more work for taking a break.
What am I wishing for here? Seems like a two part thing- I do want a 'me' day out, maybe once a month, once a season. Not a girls night out or a not out with friends really- though I'd like them, too. Its a bit different for me to be around friends because then I have to remember to be social and friendly and stuff, it is a maintenance cycle and it does exhaust me for different reasons. Do you sigh in relief when friends leave your house or you leave theirs? I do, probably for everyone but my husband and my childhood friend who know the extent of my personality quirks. I have to blame my upbringing again for that.
No, I want a 'me' day- a day at the mall perhaps. Halloween or Christmas shopping by myself. Maybe once I get a membership at the aquatic center I can dedicate a full day to that here and there. A day at a spa if I knew what I was supposed to do at one. Something out of the house. Something that involves a bunch of hours where I am not in mom/wife/employee/social mode. I don't mind those roles, but in the back of my mind, I am still trying to reach that part of me that used to get up and go for random walks day or night, go and get random comfort food that I didnt have to share, or spend nearly an entire day doing nothing but reading or writing in bed in quiet.
The second half though is after doing...whatever, that I would not have too much waiting for me to do when I got back. No 'punishment' for taking time out (me applying the concept of 'punishment', not from outside). Don't know how that would be done without making my husband feel he has to take on double the work himself, but hey we are talking wishes, not demands or plans here. Maybe once that lotto hits a maid service or something...