(no subject)
sometimes i feel hesitant about posting humiliating things that happen on here in case people that dont respect me anymore still read it for some reason, like i dont want to give them a reason to pity me, but then i remember that thats the best way to become the thing that my most terrible, solipsist self envisions their envisioning.
tonight alan called to tell me that i can still come to his house and be around him and everything but this is the official declaration so that i should know that we arent friends anymore, because i constantly say awful things. it was relatively out of nowhere. my heart is broken. most of the examples he came up with had him inferring things i didnt intend to imply, or otherwise offending unknowingly, and he said that didnt make it any better, and they sounded strange and i didnt really understand, and he said he didnt have high hopes for fixing things because it felt like it did with his mother, and he revealed small chaoses i didnt know about, and i was diplomatic at first but angry at the end, and then numb, and now very very sad. as i lay here and write this i realize that alan not wanting me to be his friend makes me love the world much less, whether for reasons i can or cant understand, both in and out of context.
my inner desk blotter is always an unruly pile of embossed invitations to give up, and then other things inviting me on new exciting adventures, and of these im always trying to pull the real live contact messages out, doubting each and every one as meaningless spam delivered only to my warm body.
when i think about freyja crying gold blood it sounds like some kind of cake, to be able to see it all come out like that.
tonight alan called to tell me that i can still come to his house and be around him and everything but this is the official declaration so that i should know that we arent friends anymore, because i constantly say awful things. it was relatively out of nowhere. my heart is broken. most of the examples he came up with had him inferring things i didnt intend to imply, or otherwise offending unknowingly, and he said that didnt make it any better, and they sounded strange and i didnt really understand, and he said he didnt have high hopes for fixing things because it felt like it did with his mother, and he revealed small chaoses i didnt know about, and i was diplomatic at first but angry at the end, and then numb, and now very very sad. as i lay here and write this i realize that alan not wanting me to be his friend makes me love the world much less, whether for reasons i can or cant understand, both in and out of context.
my inner desk blotter is always an unruly pile of embossed invitations to give up, and then other things inviting me on new exciting adventures, and of these im always trying to pull the real live contact messages out, doubting each and every one as meaningless spam delivered only to my warm body.
when i think about freyja crying gold blood it sounds like some kind of cake, to be able to see it all come out like that.