(no subject)
things i need to know about, or to have invented:
1. software that records webcam feeds brian green says apple makes one but i gotta steal it, it is $99
2. software where you can back up/store voicemails from your iphone in your computer
3. software where you can back up/store text messages from your iphone in your computer
im going to save all the voicemails i have left from this year and im kicking myself for having deleted some, wondering if its still good incomplete. dont know what ill do with it yet, but itll be something.
today i made two almost-there diary-type drawings and one said "who ever heard of a blood lemon?" and the other said im just like a rabbit because all i do is eat and crap and fuck thoughtlessly and make more and more of myself, and i have soft hair but im not even ever really sweet. i watched harvey milk with my sister and pepe and midway through, he got a call and it was his mom and he was upset, and i was sure it was about his dead father, but it was his mom, saying an uncle who had been sick for awhile had died. he cried a little and stuff and it didnt seem real. also, i called beej today and his grandmother has died, and he was at her viewing. i didnt mean to, but he insisted it was okay so i asked him if he knew how to get all your contacts back after you accidentally wipe them off the face of the planet. he didnt. the night before, justin said on the phone that a fire that burns your house down and kills you and your family is much more frightening if was started on purpose with the intent to harm you, and i asked him why, if the damage is the same and your experience of the fire and your injury is the exact same? and he said he didnt know. i said, its because being in even a figurative space with another person where you cant look into them and see a glimmer of recognition indicating youre not alone in this big weird instinctual thing which we need desperately and totally take for granted is totally foreign, unatural, and deeply unsettling to you. to look into someone and know that even though theyre with you, youre alone, it goes against everything you are made for and about. he said he couldnt conceive of personified evil with agency, nor personified almighty benevolence the way that a supercomputer cant figure extremely complex things like cosmological probabilities and things, and i said but justin, those computers can do that, its just so so slow, and also they do it together, SETI (sort of) for instance. i wiped all my contacts today, and im terrified ill never get a lot of them back. also, the other night in the car with clara i was really losing it pretty hard, stuck tight on something like that thing from the conversation with justin, when youre in a place with someone and looking into them, but youre super alone, but i wasnt looking into anyone, more like into everyone, into how far away everyone lives and how they might not love me and how they will die, and how unbelievably hard it is to do everything but completely fucking fail, even at the tiniest things, and how little difference it seems like there is between failing and the other things that there might be. i mean, i cant even really describe it, it was an infinitely vast, terrifyingly lightless space that i found overwhelmingly, terrifyingly claustrophobic.
im not an atheist at all, and im struggling to form a sentence relating this thing to that thing, but i guess thats a basic feature of the whole deal.
the way that pepe talked about freaking out about your situation, his no worries thing, that thing that lots of stereotypically "chill" skateboard kids do that is so insanely foreign to me and always has been, i got it for a second, about how you are still a person and you are still alive, even in your hurricane of fail, and how moments matter so much more than the big picture, even in the moment where i could grab onto that sentiment and kind of embrace it, i was jealous of him for having it because i saw the perspectives from this meta point of view. i schooled the shit out of justin case on saturday night so hard i actually popped through his shell of hating me with my sharpness through criticism of him and perhaps narration of his inner-narration because i am a fucking ridiculous genius, but ill always be a ridiculous fuck up and ill never be able to really benefit from this sort of power or really live up to what it could really mean in the longterm or be able to fix myself, because i cant seem to tie down my brain. after so many years of this, i have no idea what the difference between personal responsibility and being your own prisoner is.
even on all the right drugs ive been fucking garbage at staying on task and organized and getting all the important setting-up done, and i feel constantly anxious, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. i need something to happen. i need to figure out how to do something and do it.
i keep repeating that im incredibly lucky but really i dont know what it means to be incredibly lucky if you cant be happy with the things that constitute your good luck. i know itd be worse if i was homeless or without generous family, and my friends in orange county didnt exist or wouldnt sort of impatiently but faithfully sit through my shitty logistics incredible electrically neurotic vibes of crazy discomfort. i feel endeared to those who provide me with these things, and i feel guilt and a sense of debt. i have fun at parties sometimes, and i feel comfortable in the air conditioning. am i sufficiently appreciative, or am i a teenager forever? or
oh god this is so fucking gay and ill probably delete it but one thing though: really strangely, when i look back to examine, at no point in any fucking horrible terrific badness have i ever loved anyone less even slightly. i guess if theres a hope to cling to about my solidity in the world, i really want to be, hope i am a person into whom you could look, while with in some place, figurative or physical, and really sturdily, audibly, vitally, warmly not be alone.
also, ha, i banged number 5 again even though i really really didnt ever think i would after all the years of off kilter relating and it was good naturedly a mess and a bad idea the whole time. im pretty sure that we should have just made out instead because im probably speaking for both of us when i say in hindsight when i was there and drunk in that bed all i wanted was all this comforting psychic eye-contact to be tied up with a bow of something a little bit warm and sweet. hes secretly a lesbian and i was about to start my period and we were both on a lot of drugs and in that sense it was actually pretty innocent, and in that sense and the sexual dysfunction sense, and the sense that our highly disapproving bffs were sleepingly drunkenly in adjacent rooms and made fun of us a lot the next day, it was a lot like high school. i hope everyone thinks its as funny and endearing as i do.
1. software that records webcam feeds brian green says apple makes one but i gotta steal it, it is $99
2. software where you can back up/store voicemails from your iphone in your computer
3. software where you can back up/store text messages from your iphone in your computer
im going to save all the voicemails i have left from this year and im kicking myself for having deleted some, wondering if its still good incomplete. dont know what ill do with it yet, but itll be something.
today i made two almost-there diary-type drawings and one said "who ever heard of a blood lemon?" and the other said im just like a rabbit because all i do is eat and crap and fuck thoughtlessly and make more and more of myself, and i have soft hair but im not even ever really sweet. i watched harvey milk with my sister and pepe and midway through, he got a call and it was his mom and he was upset, and i was sure it was about his dead father, but it was his mom, saying an uncle who had been sick for awhile had died. he cried a little and stuff and it didnt seem real. also, i called beej today and his grandmother has died, and he was at her viewing. i didnt mean to, but he insisted it was okay so i asked him if he knew how to get all your contacts back after you accidentally wipe them off the face of the planet. he didnt. the night before, justin said on the phone that a fire that burns your house down and kills you and your family is much more frightening if was started on purpose with the intent to harm you, and i asked him why, if the damage is the same and your experience of the fire and your injury is the exact same? and he said he didnt know. i said, its because being in even a figurative space with another person where you cant look into them and see a glimmer of recognition indicating youre not alone in this big weird instinctual thing which we need desperately and totally take for granted is totally foreign, unatural, and deeply unsettling to you. to look into someone and know that even though theyre with you, youre alone, it goes against everything you are made for and about. he said he couldnt conceive of personified evil with agency, nor personified almighty benevolence the way that a supercomputer cant figure extremely complex things like cosmological probabilities and things, and i said but justin, those computers can do that, its just so so slow, and also they do it together, SETI (sort of) for instance. i wiped all my contacts today, and im terrified ill never get a lot of them back. also, the other night in the car with clara i was really losing it pretty hard, stuck tight on something like that thing from the conversation with justin, when youre in a place with someone and looking into them, but youre super alone, but i wasnt looking into anyone, more like into everyone, into how far away everyone lives and how they might not love me and how they will die, and how unbelievably hard it is to do everything but completely fucking fail, even at the tiniest things, and how little difference it seems like there is between failing and the other things that there might be. i mean, i cant even really describe it, it was an infinitely vast, terrifyingly lightless space that i found overwhelmingly, terrifyingly claustrophobic.
im not an atheist at all, and im struggling to form a sentence relating this thing to that thing, but i guess thats a basic feature of the whole deal.
the way that pepe talked about freaking out about your situation, his no worries thing, that thing that lots of stereotypically "chill" skateboard kids do that is so insanely foreign to me and always has been, i got it for a second, about how you are still a person and you are still alive, even in your hurricane of fail, and how moments matter so much more than the big picture, even in the moment where i could grab onto that sentiment and kind of embrace it, i was jealous of him for having it because i saw the perspectives from this meta point of view. i schooled the shit out of justin case on saturday night so hard i actually popped through his shell of hating me with my sharpness through criticism of him and perhaps narration of his inner-narration because i am a fucking ridiculous genius, but ill always be a ridiculous fuck up and ill never be able to really benefit from this sort of power or really live up to what it could really mean in the longterm or be able to fix myself, because i cant seem to tie down my brain. after so many years of this, i have no idea what the difference between personal responsibility and being your own prisoner is.
even on all the right drugs ive been fucking garbage at staying on task and organized and getting all the important setting-up done, and i feel constantly anxious, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. i need something to happen. i need to figure out how to do something and do it.
i keep repeating that im incredibly lucky but really i dont know what it means to be incredibly lucky if you cant be happy with the things that constitute your good luck. i know itd be worse if i was homeless or without generous family, and my friends in orange county didnt exist or wouldnt sort of impatiently but faithfully sit through my shitty logistics incredible electrically neurotic vibes of crazy discomfort. i feel endeared to those who provide me with these things, and i feel guilt and a sense of debt. i have fun at parties sometimes, and i feel comfortable in the air conditioning. am i sufficiently appreciative, or am i a teenager forever? or
oh god this is so fucking gay and ill probably delete it but one thing though: really strangely, when i look back to examine, at no point in any fucking horrible terrific badness have i ever loved anyone less even slightly. i guess if theres a hope to cling to about my solidity in the world, i really want to be, hope i am a person into whom you could look, while with in some place, figurative or physical, and really sturdily, audibly, vitally, warmly not be alone.
also, ha, i banged number 5 again even though i really really didnt ever think i would after all the years of off kilter relating and it was good naturedly a mess and a bad idea the whole time. im pretty sure that we should have just made out instead because im probably speaking for both of us when i say in hindsight when i was there and drunk in that bed all i wanted was all this comforting psychic eye-contact to be tied up with a bow of something a little bit warm and sweet. hes secretly a lesbian and i was about to start my period and we were both on a lot of drugs and in that sense it was actually pretty innocent, and in that sense and the sexual dysfunction sense, and the sense that our highly disapproving bffs were sleepingly drunkenly in adjacent rooms and made fun of us a lot the next day, it was a lot like high school. i hope everyone thinks its as funny and endearing as i do.