(no subject)
ive been kind of okay except for the past two or three days or so where i have gone back to feeling dead and rotten and like garbage about my life and its not lazily forlorn and down, its ridges of acute pain in peaks, where i crunch up around my soft front side like the opposite of laughing and squeeze my eyes shut and try to not hear all the bad things im thinking in my head, or where i hear myself say things to groups of others that i know are all the badness talking, that are reckless and out of touch and inadvertently violent. on one hand, i know most other people dont notice it consciously, or only notice a little, but on the other hand i know people percieve these instances of discomfort and glimses of badness unconsciously also and add them to the cumulative picture of my social identity. regardless of whether or not anyone knows how strange and awkward ive been these days, its like a mountain under water, its about the change i see from a relatively comfortable person trying to grow up to a panicked storm of someone who just cant get comfortable no matter what. i see myself being bizarrely combative, negative, leaning against a huge wall of shitty humor delivered in this creepily angry, overly emphatic way. i can hear this weird panic in my cadence, watch myself fumble all the wrapping ups of ideas, watch myself be overly critical in a way thats not only really harsh, but doesnt have the weight of sense and purpose. all these things im saying here, all this framing it like im a character on the very fringes with all this compelling, relatable narrative, it makes it easier for me to swallow all of this, to think about how incredibly ive fucked up my life, but i think that comfort is bullshit, and the perpetual reference to the standard of story is part of what is ruining my good time in the first place. when these periods happen, i always find myself like, presupposing that someday, eventually something will come along that moves the plot along, that makes me different, makes me fix things or fixes them for me, since ive never known what people mean when they talk about the hard work of fixing your life in a self-guided way, except logistically like with school and work and being an adult in that sense. i tend to find myself thinking of bad things that im doing now, like bad elements of my character as things that will somehow make me better in the longrun. for example, recently, all the purposeful attempts not to talk to much, or to not be so negative, or to not overwhelm people with my own things without listening to theirs have made me better at winning people over, better at being a natural helper with my friends and stuff, but they are a reaction to how much i hate a lot of things about myself, and how desperately i need to keep social comfort around me all the time and so have to find a way to not alienate people even if its totally contrived. i think about this kind of thing like 'maybe this is part of me becoming something i wouldnt have been able to if i hadnt been forced by overwhelming suffering', and i think that way to the point where i reference things like official purpose and intent, like the satisfying end of a movie. when i catch this, i feel so fucking sick, because its some of the worst stuff that people do with their brains, try to make things make sense in some imaginary overarching tapestry that somehow has to work out perfectly for everyone. there is no evidence that i will or will not be okay someday. in some ways, there is not even a difference between my life being fucked or not fucked, its all just a pile of elements, and my tendency to categorize and form narrative just makes me feel in control in tiny moments, except when it is folding over to crush me to death.
today chappell referenced being terrified to turn into my mother and i copped to it, and i said if youre going to suffer miserably, the next best thing to hope for after peace is dignity and self-sufficiency, and then she said its a problem with grandiosity, that sometimes dignity can stop us from healing, and i said, well, i just mean in terms of my public life, like, ill tell doctors everything but i dont want to be a sopping gross mess to all my friends, and she said, yeah you dont sob out all your darkest secrets, thats (disgusting? what did she say? fuck). i got terrified, because i feel like with certain people, people who can tell, i get kind of sucked into doing that when they ask about stuff even though i dont want to, and thats the thing that makes me wish i was dead more than anything else.
in other news, have been talking to ray, and its hard to get past how bitter and full of excuses and arrogant he is, but its nice because i dont give that much of a fuck, and i know i can talk to him like a person. also, i really miss orange county/long beach. you guys have been allstars for so long! ill try to get back soon. im lucky because there are a lot of people who know i suck but have continued to put up with my shit and care about my life in a totally earnest, not at pitying or self righteous way, and i cant get over that.
today chappell referenced being terrified to turn into my mother and i copped to it, and i said if youre going to suffer miserably, the next best thing to hope for after peace is dignity and self-sufficiency, and then she said its a problem with grandiosity, that sometimes dignity can stop us from healing, and i said, well, i just mean in terms of my public life, like, ill tell doctors everything but i dont want to be a sopping gross mess to all my friends, and she said, yeah you dont sob out all your darkest secrets, thats (disgusting? what did she say? fuck). i got terrified, because i feel like with certain people, people who can tell, i get kind of sucked into doing that when they ask about stuff even though i dont want to, and thats the thing that makes me wish i was dead more than anything else.
in other news, have been talking to ray, and its hard to get past how bitter and full of excuses and arrogant he is, but its nice because i dont give that much of a fuck, and i know i can talk to him like a person. also, i really miss orange county/long beach. you guys have been allstars for so long! ill try to get back soon. im lucky because there are a lot of people who know i suck but have continued to put up with my shit and care about my life in a totally earnest, not at pitying or self righteous way, and i cant get over that.