(no subject)
saw a serious man, finally. it was as good as the squid and the whale, though nobody around here will want to talk about it. maybe harrison?
gina, tankut, and then justin are coming and im oddly terrified, though i want to see all of them. i think id much prefer to do it as another person, like, in a convincing disguise. someone they instantly loved and trusted, but a stranger. start fresh. i get scared about going to the kitchen too, and i was fucking terrified of seeing annie at the yogurt shop and she saw it of course right away and it was pretty awkward until i started telling jokes. should i go to another country and focus on others and do charity things and eliminate the identity that marks me now and do just that? trade gina and justin and chappell and serena and robbie and lucy and neil and allie and alan and everyone in for stranger lookalikes? strangers are friends you havent made yet? is that true? i thought it was but i only made a couple of meaningful friendships that whole year in syracuse. i dont know which ones are going to be solid and lasting even here. i will probably just unknowingly insist that i remain alone wherever i am, until i figure it out, and its probably harder somewhere else. maybe this second round of shock will work. i hope they arent faith healers. is every healer a faith healer?
gina, tankut, and then justin are coming and im oddly terrified, though i want to see all of them. i think id much prefer to do it as another person, like, in a convincing disguise. someone they instantly loved and trusted, but a stranger. start fresh. i get scared about going to the kitchen too, and i was fucking terrified of seeing annie at the yogurt shop and she saw it of course right away and it was pretty awkward until i started telling jokes. should i go to another country and focus on others and do charity things and eliminate the identity that marks me now and do just that? trade gina and justin and chappell and serena and robbie and lucy and neil and allie and alan and everyone in for stranger lookalikes? strangers are friends you havent made yet? is that true? i thought it was but i only made a couple of meaningful friendships that whole year in syracuse. i dont know which ones are going to be solid and lasting even here. i will probably just unknowingly insist that i remain alone wherever i am, until i figure it out, and its probably harder somewhere else. maybe this second round of shock will work. i hope they arent faith healers. is every healer a faith healer?