(no subject)
I really don't understand why I do this to myself and to other people. When I get into an argument with somebody, I will argue to the death that I am right, or at least try to get them to see my point of view. When I start to argue, I haven't fully throught everything through, I just react. Later, after the argument, I look back and realize either I've been a total moron, or maybe that person is a moron. It seems to be the first one more often, but I don't want to put myself down too far. The point is, I can admit when I'm wrong. I may not do it while arguing, but afterwards I'll be like, hey, I'm sorry, I overreacted, I'm a crazy bitch, whatever. But by then, the damage has been done. And it seems like such a simple process to change. Just think things through before I start yelling. But this has been tormenting me for years. Maybe I should see a therapist. I don't like just reacting instantly like this, I don't like arguing and pissing people off because I can't get my head out of my ass. I'm a logical person and I know this, but just...gr. It all really seems so simple to change. It seems to simple to control my emotions (which compared to like...3 years ago, wow, I've come a long way). But I do still lose my head from time to time, and more often than I'd like to. And god dammit it seems so simple to just end it and be a rational person but I don't get it. I just don't.
And I haven't come to any conclusions yet, just a few theories, as to why I'm so bitchy and bitter towards Josh. It's not because he dumped me, I've been dumped before. Being dumped isn't all that big of a deal to me really, especially once I've thought out the reasons behind and realize that maybe he's right. I don't resent him for breaking up with me. However I think I do resent him because I can't have him (we all know that whole thing, even if you haven't necessarily experienced it yourself). It drives me crazy that I can't have him, and so I just take it out on him. I also think I may resent him because in some respects I've become dependent on him. I don't know for what exactly, though. I don't need him to be happy, I don't need him for financial reasons, I don't need him to move myself up the ladder or anything like that. I really don't know why. This is why these theories remain just theories, and not actual solutions. I decided to give myself a little break from Josh, and for how long, who knows. I need some time to get things straight. Of course the biology of my body isn't helping out AT ALL. I was on birth control for like 7 years and had maybe 2 natural periods before I started. So I decided to give my body a break, and now my hormones have completely freaked out and don't know what to do. But even then, my behavior wasn't all that different, it's just more extreme now. And I hate it. I don't hate myself, but god dammit sometimes I just want to hit myself. Ha.
Maybe I need drugs. Meh.
ao;wiehtoiaweht;oawetjwae
And I haven't come to any conclusions yet, just a few theories, as to why I'm so bitchy and bitter towards Josh. It's not because he dumped me, I've been dumped before. Being dumped isn't all that big of a deal to me really, especially once I've thought out the reasons behind and realize that maybe he's right. I don't resent him for breaking up with me. However I think I do resent him because I can't have him (we all know that whole thing, even if you haven't necessarily experienced it yourself). It drives me crazy that I can't have him, and so I just take it out on him. I also think I may resent him because in some respects I've become dependent on him. I don't know for what exactly, though. I don't need him to be happy, I don't need him for financial reasons, I don't need him to move myself up the ladder or anything like that. I really don't know why. This is why these theories remain just theories, and not actual solutions. I decided to give myself a little break from Josh, and for how long, who knows. I need some time to get things straight. Of course the biology of my body isn't helping out AT ALL. I was on birth control for like 7 years and had maybe 2 natural periods before I started. So I decided to give my body a break, and now my hormones have completely freaked out and don't know what to do. But even then, my behavior wasn't all that different, it's just more extreme now. And I hate it. I don't hate myself, but god dammit sometimes I just want to hit myself. Ha.
Maybe I need drugs. Meh.
ao;wiehtoiaweht;oawetjwae