(no subject)
Ok, so I went back and reread what I wrote in that last entry. It all seems very trite. Like I was reporting on it more than anything else.
I'm in a funny place right now. This has by far been the most emotionally bizarre month of my life. When it goes down, it hits rock bottom, and then it suddenly careens back up at rapid speed.
I say this because about two weeks after Katlyn was killed, I was informed (within about three days of each other,) that I had won a $4000 scholarship and first place in a short story contest.
On Thursday we drove in to the city for the award ceremony for the short story contest. I was to read my story out loud. This contest was sponsored by the Winnipeg Free Press, (a major paper around here, one of the major ones in Canada at least,) who sent one of their editors out to watch. After I had read and it was over, the editor came up to me, gave me his card and told me to submit some of my non-fiction work to him.
So now I am faced with what is probably one of the greatest opportunities of my life, and all I can think about is how fucking scared I am to take it. I don't know that I'm good enough to give him what he wants...all I can think about is how I might fail.
Truthfully, I just haven't felt much like writing since it happened. Everything I do feels trite and silly. (See my last entry for evidence.) I used to be pretty good and putting emotions into words. Maybe there are just some things that aren't translatable.
Today was weird. Maybe I'm just pmsing, but I was cleaning my room when I just suddenly started sobbing out of nowhere. Literally. I was hanging up a pair of pants and I just broke down in tears. Maybe it was the song playing on the radio, I dunno. I've been basically immune to sad songs lately, for some reason they don't make me cry. But today...
Anyway, I made the mistake of going on Katlyn's facebook...just to see. And all these wacko people have been leaving posts on her wall almost every day since it happened. Now, firstly, I know for a fact Katlyn would have hated that because she just disliked that sort of open, melodramatic displays of emotion. Secondly, most of the people leaving the posts are people she was never really close with but are acting like she was their moon, sun and stars. That bothers me. Maybe I just feel protective, but some people are being quite hypocritical. Some of the people leaving the incessant posts hated her while she was alive, and suddenly they are reminiscing almost daily about how good of friends they were. It makes me angry. I know they have a right to grieve too...but they don't need to leave their grief all over the internet. It's like they are trying to prove something.
I should just shut up. I don't think I have much right to be protective. I wasn't even there at the end.
I'm in a funny place right now. This has by far been the most emotionally bizarre month of my life. When it goes down, it hits rock bottom, and then it suddenly careens back up at rapid speed.
I say this because about two weeks after Katlyn was killed, I was informed (within about three days of each other,) that I had won a $4000 scholarship and first place in a short story contest.
On Thursday we drove in to the city for the award ceremony for the short story contest. I was to read my story out loud. This contest was sponsored by the Winnipeg Free Press, (a major paper around here, one of the major ones in Canada at least,) who sent one of their editors out to watch. After I had read and it was over, the editor came up to me, gave me his card and told me to submit some of my non-fiction work to him.
So now I am faced with what is probably one of the greatest opportunities of my life, and all I can think about is how fucking scared I am to take it. I don't know that I'm good enough to give him what he wants...all I can think about is how I might fail.
Truthfully, I just haven't felt much like writing since it happened. Everything I do feels trite and silly. (See my last entry for evidence.) I used to be pretty good and putting emotions into words. Maybe there are just some things that aren't translatable.
Today was weird. Maybe I'm just pmsing, but I was cleaning my room when I just suddenly started sobbing out of nowhere. Literally. I was hanging up a pair of pants and I just broke down in tears. Maybe it was the song playing on the radio, I dunno. I've been basically immune to sad songs lately, for some reason they don't make me cry. But today...
Anyway, I made the mistake of going on Katlyn's facebook...just to see. And all these wacko people have been leaving posts on her wall almost every day since it happened. Now, firstly, I know for a fact Katlyn would have hated that because she just disliked that sort of open, melodramatic displays of emotion. Secondly, most of the people leaving the posts are people she was never really close with but are acting like she was their moon, sun and stars. That bothers me. Maybe I just feel protective, but some people are being quite hypocritical. Some of the people leaving the incessant posts hated her while she was alive, and suddenly they are reminiscing almost daily about how good of friends they were. It makes me angry. I know they have a right to grieve too...but they don't need to leave their grief all over the internet. It's like they are trying to prove something.
I should just shut up. I don't think I have much right to be protective. I wasn't even there at the end.