Yu Yu Hakusho: Merry Christmas Kuwabara (Kuwabara)
Title: Merry Christmas Kuwabara
Pairing: Hints of Yukina/Kuwabara
Word Count: 5,899
Rating: P13
Notes: Alternate Timeline, Death!fic
Summary: A collection of journals entries detailing the last months of Kuwabara's life.
Merry Christmas Kuwabara
Oct. 15/99
I usually don’t write in journals, but lately I’ve been getting forgetful. Yusuke jokes around and tells me it’s because I’m getting old. But I think it’s something worse. I went to the doctor the other day for a usual check-up, they took a few tests and today I got a phone call asking me to come in for some more tests. They took a few blood tests, even some brain x-rays, and some other stuff that seemed irrelevant. It’s weird you know? I’m a teenager and I’m actually worried about my health. Maybe it’s just my heightened senses making me paranoid. Journals are lame…so I’m done.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Dec. 25/99
Well…the sixth or seventh round of tests came back… I’m dying. I have some thing in my brain and it’s basically eating me alive or something like that. They don’t know what it is. I haven’t told any of the guys yet; I don’t know if I want to…I don’t want their pity. I don’t want them looking at me and thinking ‘He’s gonna die.’ I don’t want them to be sad about it. I figure it has to do with being hit too many times on the head. I’m still kind of pretending this is all an elaborate joke… stupid Yusuke. Joke’s up now. It’s not funny anymore… They say I have some strange disease. They say by the end of January I’ll forget who my friends are…and by the end of February, I’ll be gone… They say I have to be put into a hospital to wait this all out. They say I’ll lose mobility and the ability to speak before the end… They say I’ll fall into a coma and that it won’t hurt at all…but it does hurt, it hurts right now. Merry Christmas Kuwabara…you’re dying…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Dec. 31/99
The last day of the year. The last day I’m going to be in my house. They’re sticking me in the hospital tomorrow. I’m going to be there for the rest of my life…or two months. Kind of lame isn’t it? The rest of my life consists of two months and I’m only still a teen. The guys still don’t know. I asked Shizuru not to tell them, she hasn’t. I know I can trust her with this. She seems so calm when I’m around, but her quiet sobs echo through the house, through my head, in the dead of night. I’m the only person she has…and I’m leaving. She won’t tell though, she can keep a secret. I haven’t actually seen Kurama or Hiei since I found out, I figure Koenma’s trying to give me time to figure this out. I don’t know why. There’s nothing to figure out. I’m dying, simple as that. Simple…ch…Dying isn’t simple, maybe for Kurama it was, but Kurama’s strong. If Kurama were in my place he wouldn’t be scared, he’d probably only be worried about leaving his mother behind, alone, but he wouldn’t be scared. Yusuke wouldn’t be scared either, he’s already died twice. Besides, he’d probably be happy at how his death is dramatic, but me? Kuwabara Kazuma? I’m scared. It won’t be long before Yusuke realizes that I’m not around. I figure I have at least a week more to be by myself and keep my friends out of this mess, that’s providing he doesn’t tell Kurama about it. Kurama, the second Yusuke goes to him he’ll know something’s wrong. You know, I think I’m even gonna miss Hiei. I wonder if he’ll miss me? Probably not. I don’t think he likes me, although I’ll admit I enjoy being around him…when Kurama’s there. Just me and him and all that exists is awkward silence. I hope when they find out they don’t tell Yukina. I doubt she can heal me, and knowing how helpful and sweet she is she’d probably blame herself. Gods do I love her…
Hey Kuwabara…you still have two months of life left…one month of memory left, don’t get all mushy… Should I tell her before I forget who she is? This is too complicated to deal with now…My brain hurts…literally.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan.1/00
Things could be worse…I could be sharing a room with a depressed preteen who keeps telling me how he can’t wait to die…oh wait! I am.
I’m at some hospital, I forget the name, and the only color that I see is white. I feel like I’ve gone crazy, I mean I’m surrounded by crazy people. One girl started screaming at me and saying that I had sinned horribly and that I’m a demon. I kind of hope Hiei comes and meets her…that would be interesting. She’s been raped by a demon. I heard that from Ryoki, my thirteen-year-old roommate suffering from major depression, he thinks her story’s a bunch of bull. He really has no idea how wrong he is. I wanted to ask her about it, tell her she’s not crazy, but whenever I got near her she’d start screaming at me and trying to attack me, saying that I’ve been sent to kill her by the demon. I wonder who did it? Maybe I know the demon…I doubt it. Poor girl… No one believes her. I’m worried that she’s going to try to kill me in my sleep, but I figure if she does I’ll be able to dodge her hits…if I remember how to fight. It hasn’t gotten easier knowing that I’m going to die, but it hasn’t gotten harder either. I find myself thinking about the tantei and Yukina constantly. I really want to tell her, but I don’t think I could handle the rejection, because she will reject me, and when I die, she’ll feel even guiltier. I can’t do that to her. I can’t be the weight on her chest that brings her down. You know, knowing that you’re dying makes you realize how much you have. I mean I’ve always known I have great friends and a wonderful older sister, but now I actually cherish them. Shizuru…she’s all alone now. Alone in the house. She still hasn’t told anyone, for me. I’m being selfish I know. If I would let her tell someone then she’d be able to talk about it. But no matter what decision I make someone will be hurt, someone I care for will be scarred. Why can’t I have been a friendless loser? If I was, I wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting anyone or hurting anyone, because that’s what will hurt them the most, when I look at them and ask, “Do I know you?” Kenji, a man across the hall from me has come to me four times today saying, “Well hello there sonny, what’s your name?” I always answer the same and even though I don’t know him, it feels disheartening when he forgets me. It makes me feel insignificant. I wish I was. Then I wouldn’t do the same thing to Yusuke, Kurama and Hiei and maybe even Yukina.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 2/04
Ryoki has some major issues. I spent most of today getting to know him, talking to him. Wow, my life is a bowl of cherries compared to his, even now. The guy has some major issues that’s for sure. His mom committed suicide when he was five and left a note saying that she never wanted a son and that she hoped he would pay for ruining her life. He’s paying all right. His little sister got kidnapped a few months after the suicide and his dad blamed him; telling Ryoki that if he’d never been born his mom wouldn’t have committed suicide and Kya wouldn’t have been kidnapped. On top of that, he did horrible in his studies and failed a grade twice. His dad got cancer when Ryoki was seven and died. You know when you hear about those tragic families where everyone dies and you think someone had to have made this up? Well he lives one of those lives. After his dad died, he was sent to an abusive foster home. His foster parents beat him…and each other. Finally, he ran away, only to be found in some alley and raped. It was eerie how blank he was when he spoke of being beaten, raped and having his sister kidnapped, among other things. I thought Hiei was out of touch with his emotions. The only thing that made Ryoki more than a robot was when he began telling me about how excited he is to die… Poor kid…He asked me why I’m here, in the institution, after zoning out in thoughts of dying for a while. He was honestly jealous when I told him, although he tried to be sympathetic and comforting. Ryoki has an interesting way of comforting people. His version of its ok is “Hey man, you’ll just get there sooner than me. Not such a bad thing, lucky bastard.” Yup, him and Hiei would get along wonderfully…why do I keep talking about Hiei? I guess it’s because I’m surrounded by crazy people, I guess they all remind me of Hiei. Especially Ryoki. I tried talking to that girl again but she just did a cross thing with her fingers and tried to throw Kenji’s walker at me…if it wasn’t so serious and if she didn’t have such good aim I would have laughed…but she does have good aim…unfortunately. So now, I’m actually holding an ice pack to my head. There’s a huge purple bruise…I think I’ll give that girl some time, a lot of time…two months worth of time. …I’m joking about my death… Wow, I’m starting to fit in among these people…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 4/00
Yusuke went to Kurama…Need I say more? There was a big confrontation today, a BIG confrontation. Not just between me and the guys though, but between the girl that threw a walker at me, Hiei, Kurama and Yusuke. I have to admit, just like I’d thought it would, it had turned out interesting. She’d screamed bloody murder and tried to tear off Hiei’s headband. We spent the next three hours locked in my room while she was strapped to her bed…she broke free a few times and attacked our door, luckily it’s a door in a mental institute type place so they don’t shatter easily. Despite how amusing the crazy girl was, my day wasn’t a bowl of ice cream. In between all that, I had to tell them and well, as expected it didn’t go well. Yusuke was…is furious at me for not telling him, although Kurama calmed him down and confided in me that he understood. And why wouldn’t he? Kurama’s keeping so much from his mom to protect her. Hiei…he was pretty hard to read, I think he’s actually worried. Yusuke suggested getting Yukina to heal me, but I don’t think she can. Hiei doesn’t think she can either. He looked at me with his Jagan and what he found wasn’t very comforting. I don’t even wanna say it right now, not that I really remember anyway. I feel awful…the guys looked betrayed, but they have to understand, I didn’t want to hurt them. Even though keeping it from them probably hurt them more. I wasn’t thinking; I’m still not. The disease is starting to affect me; I had to ask Yusuke what school I went to before I was stuffed into this place. This morning I forgot where I was. I live in…I live in…
I’m dying. I have some strange disease that is working its way through my brain, short fusing it. It’s like sticking a toaster in water; it short fuses and stops working. I’m shutting down slowly, painfully slow. Why am I comparing myself to a toaster? I really need to get out, go do stuff. Too bad I don’t remember what stuff consists of…what did I do before? I remember fighting demons and stuff like that, but I’m foggy on everything else. I beat people up, visited Yukina…went to…oh what are they called? Just a sec, I’ll ask Ryoki…MOVIES! That’s what I did. I went to movies. And I ate at those places where you eat. I had a life. Now I’m a toaster, a toaster slowly being dipped in water.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 8/00
The crazy lady came to me today. Apparently she’s realized that I’m a human. Actually, I’m a toaster; I told her that too, she just laughed at me. She talked to me for a while, confiding what had happened to her to me. It was nice to see her smile when I told her that she’s not crazy and that demons do exist. I think it was nice for her to hear that. From the sounds of it, she was starting to believe she’s crazy. Oh, she has a name too…I just don’t remember it. It was pretty though. She asked me why I’m friends with demons and I told her that not all demons are bad, that there are good demons that save people and that have morals. I didn’t tell her that a demon’s morals are nothing like a human’s. I didn’t really want her attacking Hiei again… The rest of the conversation is kind of…not there. The guy that stays with me, I forget his name too, got a visitor today, she was an old lady. I forget how she knew him. She was sweet though, she gave him little round things that tasted good. He gave them to me. He hates sweet things. We talked a bit about …those things I keep forgetting. His favorite one is called ‘The Grudge’. I don’t remember seeing it. The only one I remember is about these guys that make wishes to a dragon. It’s something Z. Man, this place is boring…nothing happens. Can’t my last two months be fun? I guess that’s too much to ask, especially of a place full of crazy people. I don’t know why I’m here, I’m not crazy, just forgetful. How come I forget…those things, but I remember that I’m dying. I can’t wait to forget that. I can’t wait to forget how sick I am…but, will that mean I’ll forget Yukina too? I wonder what she looks like? I haven’t seen her in a while. …Yukina…Yukina…Yukina…Yukina…Yukina…I won’t forget her. She has hair and eyes and…her eyes are… … …Yukina… I want to see her… Yukina…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 9/00
Yukina came today with Hiei and Yusuke and Kurama. She was pretty. Her eyes are red, like Hiei’s. Her hair is aqua. She’s short. She tried to heal me but it didn’t work. I’m still dying. Yukina started crying when it didn’t work. I feel so guilty, I feel awful… It’s my fault she cried. I wish they hadn’t brought her; I don’t ever want to make her cry again. Please don’t put her through that again. I don’t want her to cry, I don’t want to listen to the ear-shattering plinking of tear-gems…She gave me one, beaded it onto a single strand of her hair and gave it to me so that I’d never forget her. I wish I wouldn’t forget her…but I’m starting to forget people’s names now. I’m forgetting things left and right. I feel awful…I feel horrible. I’m…crying? I’m crying… Why am I crying? I’m strong, I’m Kuwabara…I’m scared. I’m not strong, I’m not Yusuke, or Kurama or Hiei; I’m Kuwabara. I’m the weakest one, the one that loses the fights. The stupid one. The one that’s dying. At least it’s me that’s dying. If Kurama, Hiei or Yusuke died the team would be ruined, it’d go to pieces. But I don’t help as much as I’d like to think. It’s for the best that I die. I wonder if Koenma knew all along that I was going to die… I haven’t seen Botan around; she’s probably giving the guys time to accept this. I wonder if Shizuru will ever accept my illness? My weakness… She hasn’t visited me since I came here…at least I don’t think she has. I’m starting to forget things about her. I’m pretty sure she has black hair, but I’m not sure. I wish she’d come visit, I miss her. Maybe my selfish actions of making her not tell anyone are coming back to me. Am I allowed to be selfish? I’m dying aren’t I? I should be allowed to be selfish. But even if I am, I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt them so that my last month and a half will be good. No matter how selfish I am, my last month won’t be good. I’m destined to die alone, believing that no one cares for me. They can be there, but I won’t remember them. I’ll die without knowing how fun it was fighting Yusuke. I’m going to die not knowing that I call Hiei shrimp and that inside all those layers of ice is a truly caring guy. I’ll die forgetting how empathetic Kurama is and how I can always turn to him. I’ll forget to turn to him for help when my last hours come… I’ll forget how much I love Shizuru and Yukina. I’ll forget fighting to become Genkai’s heir. I’ll forget Jin and Touya and the beautiful warrior Suzaku…I’ll forget life itself. I’ll forget who I am…I’ll forget me, Kuwabara Kazuma. If only Christmas never came.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 15/00
The food here sucks. Today for supper we had sandwiches! Sandwiches of all darned things. They weren’t even good sandwiches, they were gross. Some crap called egg salad. Remind me never to eat egg salad again. I mean it, remind me, cause I won’t remember. I don’t even remember what my sister’s name is. She still hasn’t visited…I just know that she exists. I don’t remember anything except the fact that she exists and that I care for her. I couldn’t just get killed in battle could I? I just have to go nice and slow and with no memory to top it all off. I’d say the toaster’s almost half-submerged now. It’s funny how I can’t remember anything about my sister, but I remember that I’m a toaster. Kurama came to visit me alone. He found the toaster comparison amusing, it made him laugh. We talked about what it’s like to die. Apparently, you just feel your soul leave your body and all pain leaves…until you realize that you’re dead and that all your friends are mourning. He says I’ll remember everyone again when I die and that it will be more of a…relief…than a suffering. I hope it is. Kurama’s doing well in…that thing where you learn. But I guess, from what he said, he’s always been smart. I don’t think I’ve ever known that he’s smart, although I assumed as much when I spoke to him. He’s one smart cookie. I’m a toaster and Kurama’s a cookie. I wonder what he would think if I told him that? He’d probably laugh… Kurama does that a lot. I think he only laughs to make me feel better. I wonder why Yusuke hasn’t come by alone. He’s brought Kurama and Hiei with him every time. Maybe he’s waiting until he can bring my sister with him to come. I hope he does. I want to apologize to her. I want to tell her I’m sorry for dying before I forget. I want to apologize to Yukina too. Everyone here keeps asking me where I got my necklace. They like it. Yukina would be happy to know that her necklace brings peace of mind to more people than me. If I look at it, I can always remember Yukina.
She’s a koorime. Yusuke and me saved her from Tarukane. That’s when we first met the Toguro brothers. She likes birds and has red eyes and aqua hair. Her smile has the ability to light up the room and her laugh can melt even the most frozen heart, like Hiei’s. She wears a blue kimono with a pink obi and wears her hair in a ponytail. She’s always nice to me…I remember her. I remember Yukina. Maybe I won’t forget her; maybe I won’t die alone…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 17/00
Did you know that the things in bathrooms are called toilets? I didn’t. One of the nurses told me when I asked. Its weird how nice she is to me, and how she always tells me when to go to bed. I’m dying; I shouldn’t need a curfew. I should be allowed to stay up partying all night. I wonder who would party with me if I did party… The guy who’s in the room right now? He looks too sad to want to party…or maybe that crazy lady that always asks about demons. She’s crazy; demons don’t exist. There are people with powers like Kurama, Hiei and Yusuke, but there isn’t any such thing as demons. I don’t tell her that though because if I did she’d probably get mad at me, she gets mad at every other person that calls her crazy. I wouldn’t want to know or think that I’m crazy and I figure she doesn’t want to know either…so I leave her believe that demons exist. I got a visit from Yukina and Hiei today. They’re a lot alike physically. But inside they’re both really different. Hiei is mean. He called me an idiot more than once. Yukina is nice. She told me about my sister when I asked her. I don’t remember what Yukina said her name was. Talking about my sister made Yukina sad; she has a missing twin brother. Poor Yukina, she must wonder if he’s all right. I told her that she could ask Hiei to pretend to be her brother since they look alike. Hiei didn’t like that idea and called me an idiot. Yukina however thought that was a good idea. I’m glad I made her happy. She sat with me for a while while Hiei fought off questions about demons from the crazy lady. During the time me and Yukina spent together I told her I’m sorry for dying. She begged me not to apologize and told me that it’s not my fault. I wish it wasn’t, but I think I did something to deserve this. I didn’t tell that to Yukina, she would have been sad, like I was when she and Hiei left…Yukina promised to try and get my sister to come…I hope she can.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 21/00
I made a new friend today. His name is Yusk. He seemed nice although he was kind of arrogant. He came to visit me apparently. I wonder why he’d come to visit me? He doesn’t know me. I wonder how he knew that I was here. Yusk made jokes about some guy named Sensui to me and I laughed, pretending to know what he was talking about. I think Yusk had me confused with someone else. I never knew a Sensui or a Yusk. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings though and I really didn’t want him to leave so I didn’t tell him that he must have me confused with someone else. Yusk told me about stuff that he does like fitting and going to ascades. I forget what kind of fitting he does, but it’s not the same as the fitting I do. The fitting I do is boring, all I do is wear clothes. Yusk’s fitting sounded like lots of fun though. He said that ascades were games that you played on something like a television. I don’t know what a television is. I think there’s one in my room though, at least Yusk said that there was a television in my room. He says you watch televisions. I watch toasters be dipped in water. While Yusk was here Yukina came with Kurama and Hi and brought another girl with her. She said that the girl is my sister. I don’t remember having a sister… According to Yukina I asked her to bring my sister. The girl Yukina brought was sad, like the boy in my room. She tried to stick a white piece of paper in her mouth and light it on fire but the nurse kicked her out. She said she’d come back in…but she didn’t. I wonder if she really is my sister…I don’t think I have one though… Yukina and Hi are pretending to be sister and brother according to Yukina. She thanked me for giving her the idea…I don’t remember giving it to her. Yukina’s really pretty, so is Kurama. Kurama reminded me of Yukina, only she was smarter…like a cookie. Kurama laughed when I told her that she’s a cookie and that I’m a toaster. I was sad when everyone left, but I guess they had to. Yukina gave me a box full of chalk saying that it tastes good. I’m kind of nervous to try it but I guess I will. If Yukina says it’s good it must be. Probably better than egg salad.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 27/00
I spent today all alone. All I did was think. Think about life, people, words, objects, illnesses… I can’t believe how much worse I’ve gotten. I’m having a good day today, meaning that my memory is working better than normal. I forgot that I was sick, dying, in the last few days. I wonder what or who else I forgot… My life has turned into a rollercoaster heading for a dead end. How did this happen to me? I don’t remember much about how I used to be, but I remember that I was happy…and I thought I had forever to live…or at least 80 years. When did the world just suddenly decide “Kuwabara, we’re sick of you so now you will die.” Why couldn’t I have died before all this? Why am I suffering through this constant sense of knowing that you’re forgetting something? My sister hasn’t come back…I don’t think she ever will. Yusk keeps coming to visit even though I know that I don’t know him. So does Hi. What kind of a name is Hi anyways? Yukina’s mother had a strange taste in names. Yukina’s so lovely, she visits me almost everyday…I’m starting to forget her. I think I had more friends, but they don’t come anymore and they don’t visit. Only Yukina and Kurama. Although I don’t think I was ever friends with Kurama. She’s just nice to talk to. She lets me dump all my problems on to her and she listens and never says anything. Kurama doesn’t pity me, she doesn’t look at me with sympathy. It’s like she knows that my life will get easier in death and that, for my sake, she hopes I die soon. I hope I die soon. According to a nurse, I’m expected to live until February. Is it such a crime to hope that I don’t make it to see February? Is it such a crime to wish that I’d fall asleep and never wake up? It is…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 31/00
I made some new friends today. Their names were Yusuke, Hyee, Kureemu and Yuki. They were all very friendly to me. They seem to have been looking for a boy named Kuwaboro. I don’t know anyone with such a stupid name. I told them that I’m not Kuwaboro and that I don’t know any Kuwaboro’s, but they stayed anyways. I guess they could tell that I was lonely. I am lonely. I couldn’t walk this morning. I don’t think I could yesterday either, but I forget. Hyee seemed to be very upset that I couldn’t walk. He didn’t cry or anything, he just seemed angry. He told me that the brat would pay for doing this… I wonder who the brat is. He must be mean to be doing this to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve to not be able to walk. I don’t think I ever did something so horrible to deserve this. It’s not like I ever killed anyone. I never would. If I could just get up and walk and stop being sick I would never do anything wrong again. I would be better than an angel… I wish I could have a second chance. I’m starting slur my words together. And it’s harder to write. I think I may have to ask a nurse to write for me. I want to be able to give this book to the person that gave me the necklace I’m wearing. I don’t remember who she is but I think she should have this book in return for the beautiful gift she gave me. I can’t write anymore, my hand is getting stiff…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Feb. 3/00
I’m having a nurse write this out for me. She’s being very kind by doing this. Thank you. Are you writing everything I say down? You are? Oh good…I asked you to. Please don’t tell anyone what I’m saying aloud…oh, could you ask the boy in the room to leave? Thank you. All right… I sat in bed all day today and had more of those gross egg salad sandwiches. I’m pretty sure that the toaster’s almost dead. I hope it is. My body forgets how to move and I’m starting to forget how to talk, but somehow I’m managing to. Are you making my sentences clear and understandable? Oh, thank you. It would be a jumble if you copied me down word for word. I’m dying. I hope that I get it over with and die soon. I’m sick of staring at the ceiling and sitting in bed while that boy stares at me jealously. What’s he jealous about? I’m dying. I don’t know why he’s jealous. Maybe he has a bad life and wishes he could die. I think it’s weird that people wish they could die. I don’t have a choice; I just hope I die soon so I can get this all over with. I met some new people today. Ramuka, Sookee, Ankiu, and Hee. It was odd talking to them. The entire time they were there, I had a nagging feeling that I knew them…But I don’t. It was strange though. Ramuka is a very nice person to talk to. He seemed to listen to my pleas of dying soon and completely understood. Sookee seemed to think I was being weak. Who is he to judge me? He’s never been faced with death. Ankiu was a lovely woman. She told me that she cared for me. How odd is that? I don’t even know her and she’s crying because I’m dying. How long do you think I’ll live nurse…Sakora? Sakora…that’s a pretty name. How long do you think I have left? Oh. That long? Are you sure? Well, I guess I should be happy that I won’t be around for another five months in this condition… I just wish that I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow, you know? Well, I suppose you don’t… Thank you for writing for me.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Feb. 10/00
Kuwabara can no longer speak or move. He’s nearly blind. I suppose he would have appreciated me writing in this journal of his condition. Poor Kuwabara. He’s such a helpful soul. He helped ‘the crazy lady’ settle down and come to peace with whatever demons were haunting her. It shouldn’t be much longer, though I’m sure he’s relieved to know that. Kuwabara once told me that he loves a woman named Yukina…if she ever comes again I’ll give her this book. She’d like to know what he was feeling in his last two months. Kuwabara will be missed.
-Nurse Sakora
- - -
In every heart, there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lover’s past
Until a new one comes along
“Hey, is Kuwabara here?”
“May I ask who you are?”
“My name’s Yusuke, I’m one of his friends.”
“Ah…well…would you like to sit down?”
“No, I want to see…no…”
“Sir, you’re not looking well. Please take a seat.”
“No, I don’t want to take a seat. …Kuwabara… Kuwabara! Where the hell is Kuwabara. Tell me now damnit!”
“Sir!”
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I’ve said too much
My silence is my self defense
“He’s dead?”
“Yeah…”
“Kazuma-kun…”
“Yukina, please, he wouldn’t want you to cry.”
“I know Kurama… but…”
“Yukina. The nurse gave this to me. She said that Kuwabara would want you to have it…”
“What is it?”
“It’s a journal of his last few months…”
“Thank you, Yusuke.”
“You’re welcome… Kurama?”
“Yes?”
“You should tell Hiei.”
“Yes…I suppose I should…”
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I’ve only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
“Hiei…I need t-”
“He’s gone.”
“…Yes.”
“…”
“Hiei, he cared for you and he knew you cared for him in return.”
“I know.”
“Why then do you look so angry?”
“It’s my fault this happened to him Kurama. I should have been able to tell that there was that…whatever it was in his brain.”
“Hiei there was n-”
”Kurama don’t waste your efforts on me. Try to console Yukina. She needs it more.”
“Yes, but Hiei, you need someone to talk to too.”
“Talk…?”
“Yes.”
“I suppose I could tell you…”
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
“He didn’t remember me. His own sister! I’m an awful person. He died thinking I’d abandoned him…”
“Shizuru, he didn’t think you abandoned him.”
“Tell my why he wouldn’t?”
“Because, Kuwabara loved you, and he knew that love was returned.”
“I never visited him Yukina. You had to beg me to visit him. How can he not have thought I abandoned him?”
“Shizuru…”
“I’m sorry Yukina, you’re grieving too I shouldn’t be burdening you with this…”
“Oh please Shizuru, don’t cry, I’m all righty… he knew you loved him.”
“I know…but I still can’t help feel that I deserted him…”
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
“Shuichi is anything wrong?”
“No mother.”
“Shuichi there’s something bothering you…”
“Well…my friend, the one who’s been sick, he’s passed away.”
“Oh Shuichi, I’m so sorry.”
“Me too…”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“I suppose I could tell you…”
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
“Kazuma… Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have rejected you. Oh Kuwabara, I wish I could have helped you…you loved me? You loved me. I wish you would have told me Kuwabara, I…I…I…I love you too…”
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
- - -
~Fin~
Pairing: Hints of Yukina/Kuwabara
Word Count: 5,899
Rating: P13
Notes: Alternate Timeline, Death!fic
Summary: A collection of journals entries detailing the last months of Kuwabara's life.
Merry Christmas Kuwabara
Oct. 15/99
I usually don’t write in journals, but lately I’ve been getting forgetful. Yusuke jokes around and tells me it’s because I’m getting old. But I think it’s something worse. I went to the doctor the other day for a usual check-up, they took a few tests and today I got a phone call asking me to come in for some more tests. They took a few blood tests, even some brain x-rays, and some other stuff that seemed irrelevant. It’s weird you know? I’m a teenager and I’m actually worried about my health. Maybe it’s just my heightened senses making me paranoid. Journals are lame…so I’m done.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Dec. 25/99
Well…the sixth or seventh round of tests came back… I’m dying. I have some thing in my brain and it’s basically eating me alive or something like that. They don’t know what it is. I haven’t told any of the guys yet; I don’t know if I want to…I don’t want their pity. I don’t want them looking at me and thinking ‘He’s gonna die.’ I don’t want them to be sad about it. I figure it has to do with being hit too many times on the head. I’m still kind of pretending this is all an elaborate joke… stupid Yusuke. Joke’s up now. It’s not funny anymore… They say I have some strange disease. They say by the end of January I’ll forget who my friends are…and by the end of February, I’ll be gone… They say I have to be put into a hospital to wait this all out. They say I’ll lose mobility and the ability to speak before the end… They say I’ll fall into a coma and that it won’t hurt at all…but it does hurt, it hurts right now. Merry Christmas Kuwabara…you’re dying…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Dec. 31/99
The last day of the year. The last day I’m going to be in my house. They’re sticking me in the hospital tomorrow. I’m going to be there for the rest of my life…or two months. Kind of lame isn’t it? The rest of my life consists of two months and I’m only still a teen. The guys still don’t know. I asked Shizuru not to tell them, she hasn’t. I know I can trust her with this. She seems so calm when I’m around, but her quiet sobs echo through the house, through my head, in the dead of night. I’m the only person she has…and I’m leaving. She won’t tell though, she can keep a secret. I haven’t actually seen Kurama or Hiei since I found out, I figure Koenma’s trying to give me time to figure this out. I don’t know why. There’s nothing to figure out. I’m dying, simple as that. Simple…ch…Dying isn’t simple, maybe for Kurama it was, but Kurama’s strong. If Kurama were in my place he wouldn’t be scared, he’d probably only be worried about leaving his mother behind, alone, but he wouldn’t be scared. Yusuke wouldn’t be scared either, he’s already died twice. Besides, he’d probably be happy at how his death is dramatic, but me? Kuwabara Kazuma? I’m scared. It won’t be long before Yusuke realizes that I’m not around. I figure I have at least a week more to be by myself and keep my friends out of this mess, that’s providing he doesn’t tell Kurama about it. Kurama, the second Yusuke goes to him he’ll know something’s wrong. You know, I think I’m even gonna miss Hiei. I wonder if he’ll miss me? Probably not. I don’t think he likes me, although I’ll admit I enjoy being around him…when Kurama’s there. Just me and him and all that exists is awkward silence. I hope when they find out they don’t tell Yukina. I doubt she can heal me, and knowing how helpful and sweet she is she’d probably blame herself. Gods do I love her…
Hey Kuwabara…you still have two months of life left…one month of memory left, don’t get all mushy… Should I tell her before I forget who she is? This is too complicated to deal with now…My brain hurts…literally.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan.1/00
Things could be worse…I could be sharing a room with a depressed preteen who keeps telling me how he can’t wait to die…oh wait! I am.
I’m at some hospital, I forget the name, and the only color that I see is white. I feel like I’ve gone crazy, I mean I’m surrounded by crazy people. One girl started screaming at me and saying that I had sinned horribly and that I’m a demon. I kind of hope Hiei comes and meets her…that would be interesting. She’s been raped by a demon. I heard that from Ryoki, my thirteen-year-old roommate suffering from major depression, he thinks her story’s a bunch of bull. He really has no idea how wrong he is. I wanted to ask her about it, tell her she’s not crazy, but whenever I got near her she’d start screaming at me and trying to attack me, saying that I’ve been sent to kill her by the demon. I wonder who did it? Maybe I know the demon…I doubt it. Poor girl… No one believes her. I’m worried that she’s going to try to kill me in my sleep, but I figure if she does I’ll be able to dodge her hits…if I remember how to fight. It hasn’t gotten easier knowing that I’m going to die, but it hasn’t gotten harder either. I find myself thinking about the tantei and Yukina constantly. I really want to tell her, but I don’t think I could handle the rejection, because she will reject me, and when I die, she’ll feel even guiltier. I can’t do that to her. I can’t be the weight on her chest that brings her down. You know, knowing that you’re dying makes you realize how much you have. I mean I’ve always known I have great friends and a wonderful older sister, but now I actually cherish them. Shizuru…she’s all alone now. Alone in the house. She still hasn’t told anyone, for me. I’m being selfish I know. If I would let her tell someone then she’d be able to talk about it. But no matter what decision I make someone will be hurt, someone I care for will be scarred. Why can’t I have been a friendless loser? If I was, I wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting anyone or hurting anyone, because that’s what will hurt them the most, when I look at them and ask, “Do I know you?” Kenji, a man across the hall from me has come to me four times today saying, “Well hello there sonny, what’s your name?” I always answer the same and even though I don’t know him, it feels disheartening when he forgets me. It makes me feel insignificant. I wish I was. Then I wouldn’t do the same thing to Yusuke, Kurama and Hiei and maybe even Yukina.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 2/04
Ryoki has some major issues. I spent most of today getting to know him, talking to him. Wow, my life is a bowl of cherries compared to his, even now. The guy has some major issues that’s for sure. His mom committed suicide when he was five and left a note saying that she never wanted a son and that she hoped he would pay for ruining her life. He’s paying all right. His little sister got kidnapped a few months after the suicide and his dad blamed him; telling Ryoki that if he’d never been born his mom wouldn’t have committed suicide and Kya wouldn’t have been kidnapped. On top of that, he did horrible in his studies and failed a grade twice. His dad got cancer when Ryoki was seven and died. You know when you hear about those tragic families where everyone dies and you think someone had to have made this up? Well he lives one of those lives. After his dad died, he was sent to an abusive foster home. His foster parents beat him…and each other. Finally, he ran away, only to be found in some alley and raped. It was eerie how blank he was when he spoke of being beaten, raped and having his sister kidnapped, among other things. I thought Hiei was out of touch with his emotions. The only thing that made Ryoki more than a robot was when he began telling me about how excited he is to die… Poor kid…He asked me why I’m here, in the institution, after zoning out in thoughts of dying for a while. He was honestly jealous when I told him, although he tried to be sympathetic and comforting. Ryoki has an interesting way of comforting people. His version of its ok is “Hey man, you’ll just get there sooner than me. Not such a bad thing, lucky bastard.” Yup, him and Hiei would get along wonderfully…why do I keep talking about Hiei? I guess it’s because I’m surrounded by crazy people, I guess they all remind me of Hiei. Especially Ryoki. I tried talking to that girl again but she just did a cross thing with her fingers and tried to throw Kenji’s walker at me…if it wasn’t so serious and if she didn’t have such good aim I would have laughed…but she does have good aim…unfortunately. So now, I’m actually holding an ice pack to my head. There’s a huge purple bruise…I think I’ll give that girl some time, a lot of time…two months worth of time. …I’m joking about my death… Wow, I’m starting to fit in among these people…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 4/00
Yusuke went to Kurama…Need I say more? There was a big confrontation today, a BIG confrontation. Not just between me and the guys though, but between the girl that threw a walker at me, Hiei, Kurama and Yusuke. I have to admit, just like I’d thought it would, it had turned out interesting. She’d screamed bloody murder and tried to tear off Hiei’s headband. We spent the next three hours locked in my room while she was strapped to her bed…she broke free a few times and attacked our door, luckily it’s a door in a mental institute type place so they don’t shatter easily. Despite how amusing the crazy girl was, my day wasn’t a bowl of ice cream. In between all that, I had to tell them and well, as expected it didn’t go well. Yusuke was…is furious at me for not telling him, although Kurama calmed him down and confided in me that he understood. And why wouldn’t he? Kurama’s keeping so much from his mom to protect her. Hiei…he was pretty hard to read, I think he’s actually worried. Yusuke suggested getting Yukina to heal me, but I don’t think she can. Hiei doesn’t think she can either. He looked at me with his Jagan and what he found wasn’t very comforting. I don’t even wanna say it right now, not that I really remember anyway. I feel awful…the guys looked betrayed, but they have to understand, I didn’t want to hurt them. Even though keeping it from them probably hurt them more. I wasn’t thinking; I’m still not. The disease is starting to affect me; I had to ask Yusuke what school I went to before I was stuffed into this place. This morning I forgot where I was. I live in…I live in…
I’m dying. I have some strange disease that is working its way through my brain, short fusing it. It’s like sticking a toaster in water; it short fuses and stops working. I’m shutting down slowly, painfully slow. Why am I comparing myself to a toaster? I really need to get out, go do stuff. Too bad I don’t remember what stuff consists of…what did I do before? I remember fighting demons and stuff like that, but I’m foggy on everything else. I beat people up, visited Yukina…went to…oh what are they called? Just a sec, I’ll ask Ryoki…MOVIES! That’s what I did. I went to movies. And I ate at those places where you eat. I had a life. Now I’m a toaster, a toaster slowly being dipped in water.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 8/00
The crazy lady came to me today. Apparently she’s realized that I’m a human. Actually, I’m a toaster; I told her that too, she just laughed at me. She talked to me for a while, confiding what had happened to her to me. It was nice to see her smile when I told her that she’s not crazy and that demons do exist. I think it was nice for her to hear that. From the sounds of it, she was starting to believe she’s crazy. Oh, she has a name too…I just don’t remember it. It was pretty though. She asked me why I’m friends with demons and I told her that not all demons are bad, that there are good demons that save people and that have morals. I didn’t tell her that a demon’s morals are nothing like a human’s. I didn’t really want her attacking Hiei again… The rest of the conversation is kind of…not there. The guy that stays with me, I forget his name too, got a visitor today, she was an old lady. I forget how she knew him. She was sweet though, she gave him little round things that tasted good. He gave them to me. He hates sweet things. We talked a bit about …those things I keep forgetting. His favorite one is called ‘The Grudge’. I don’t remember seeing it. The only one I remember is about these guys that make wishes to a dragon. It’s something Z. Man, this place is boring…nothing happens. Can’t my last two months be fun? I guess that’s too much to ask, especially of a place full of crazy people. I don’t know why I’m here, I’m not crazy, just forgetful. How come I forget…those things, but I remember that I’m dying. I can’t wait to forget that. I can’t wait to forget how sick I am…but, will that mean I’ll forget Yukina too? I wonder what she looks like? I haven’t seen her in a while. …Yukina…Yukina…Yukina…Yukina…Yukina…I won’t forget her. She has hair and eyes and…her eyes are… … …Yukina… I want to see her… Yukina…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 9/00
Yukina came today with Hiei and Yusuke and Kurama. She was pretty. Her eyes are red, like Hiei’s. Her hair is aqua. She’s short. She tried to heal me but it didn’t work. I’m still dying. Yukina started crying when it didn’t work. I feel so guilty, I feel awful… It’s my fault she cried. I wish they hadn’t brought her; I don’t ever want to make her cry again. Please don’t put her through that again. I don’t want her to cry, I don’t want to listen to the ear-shattering plinking of tear-gems…She gave me one, beaded it onto a single strand of her hair and gave it to me so that I’d never forget her. I wish I wouldn’t forget her…but I’m starting to forget people’s names now. I’m forgetting things left and right. I feel awful…I feel horrible. I’m…crying? I’m crying… Why am I crying? I’m strong, I’m Kuwabara…I’m scared. I’m not strong, I’m not Yusuke, or Kurama or Hiei; I’m Kuwabara. I’m the weakest one, the one that loses the fights. The stupid one. The one that’s dying. At least it’s me that’s dying. If Kurama, Hiei or Yusuke died the team would be ruined, it’d go to pieces. But I don’t help as much as I’d like to think. It’s for the best that I die. I wonder if Koenma knew all along that I was going to die… I haven’t seen Botan around; she’s probably giving the guys time to accept this. I wonder if Shizuru will ever accept my illness? My weakness… She hasn’t visited me since I came here…at least I don’t think she has. I’m starting to forget things about her. I’m pretty sure she has black hair, but I’m not sure. I wish she’d come visit, I miss her. Maybe my selfish actions of making her not tell anyone are coming back to me. Am I allowed to be selfish? I’m dying aren’t I? I should be allowed to be selfish. But even if I am, I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt them so that my last month and a half will be good. No matter how selfish I am, my last month won’t be good. I’m destined to die alone, believing that no one cares for me. They can be there, but I won’t remember them. I’ll die without knowing how fun it was fighting Yusuke. I’m going to die not knowing that I call Hiei shrimp and that inside all those layers of ice is a truly caring guy. I’ll die forgetting how empathetic Kurama is and how I can always turn to him. I’ll forget to turn to him for help when my last hours come… I’ll forget how much I love Shizuru and Yukina. I’ll forget fighting to become Genkai’s heir. I’ll forget Jin and Touya and the beautiful warrior Suzaku…I’ll forget life itself. I’ll forget who I am…I’ll forget me, Kuwabara Kazuma. If only Christmas never came.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 15/00
The food here sucks. Today for supper we had sandwiches! Sandwiches of all darned things. They weren’t even good sandwiches, they were gross. Some crap called egg salad. Remind me never to eat egg salad again. I mean it, remind me, cause I won’t remember. I don’t even remember what my sister’s name is. She still hasn’t visited…I just know that she exists. I don’t remember anything except the fact that she exists and that I care for her. I couldn’t just get killed in battle could I? I just have to go nice and slow and with no memory to top it all off. I’d say the toaster’s almost half-submerged now. It’s funny how I can’t remember anything about my sister, but I remember that I’m a toaster. Kurama came to visit me alone. He found the toaster comparison amusing, it made him laugh. We talked about what it’s like to die. Apparently, you just feel your soul leave your body and all pain leaves…until you realize that you’re dead and that all your friends are mourning. He says I’ll remember everyone again when I die and that it will be more of a…relief…than a suffering. I hope it is. Kurama’s doing well in…that thing where you learn. But I guess, from what he said, he’s always been smart. I don’t think I’ve ever known that he’s smart, although I assumed as much when I spoke to him. He’s one smart cookie. I’m a toaster and Kurama’s a cookie. I wonder what he would think if I told him that? He’d probably laugh… Kurama does that a lot. I think he only laughs to make me feel better. I wonder why Yusuke hasn’t come by alone. He’s brought Kurama and Hiei with him every time. Maybe he’s waiting until he can bring my sister with him to come. I hope he does. I want to apologize to her. I want to tell her I’m sorry for dying before I forget. I want to apologize to Yukina too. Everyone here keeps asking me where I got my necklace. They like it. Yukina would be happy to know that her necklace brings peace of mind to more people than me. If I look at it, I can always remember Yukina.
She’s a koorime. Yusuke and me saved her from Tarukane. That’s when we first met the Toguro brothers. She likes birds and has red eyes and aqua hair. Her smile has the ability to light up the room and her laugh can melt even the most frozen heart, like Hiei’s. She wears a blue kimono with a pink obi and wears her hair in a ponytail. She’s always nice to me…I remember her. I remember Yukina. Maybe I won’t forget her; maybe I won’t die alone…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 17/00
Did you know that the things in bathrooms are called toilets? I didn’t. One of the nurses told me when I asked. Its weird how nice she is to me, and how she always tells me when to go to bed. I’m dying; I shouldn’t need a curfew. I should be allowed to stay up partying all night. I wonder who would party with me if I did party… The guy who’s in the room right now? He looks too sad to want to party…or maybe that crazy lady that always asks about demons. She’s crazy; demons don’t exist. There are people with powers like Kurama, Hiei and Yusuke, but there isn’t any such thing as demons. I don’t tell her that though because if I did she’d probably get mad at me, she gets mad at every other person that calls her crazy. I wouldn’t want to know or think that I’m crazy and I figure she doesn’t want to know either…so I leave her believe that demons exist. I got a visit from Yukina and Hiei today. They’re a lot alike physically. But inside they’re both really different. Hiei is mean. He called me an idiot more than once. Yukina is nice. She told me about my sister when I asked her. I don’t remember what Yukina said her name was. Talking about my sister made Yukina sad; she has a missing twin brother. Poor Yukina, she must wonder if he’s all right. I told her that she could ask Hiei to pretend to be her brother since they look alike. Hiei didn’t like that idea and called me an idiot. Yukina however thought that was a good idea. I’m glad I made her happy. She sat with me for a while while Hiei fought off questions about demons from the crazy lady. During the time me and Yukina spent together I told her I’m sorry for dying. She begged me not to apologize and told me that it’s not my fault. I wish it wasn’t, but I think I did something to deserve this. I didn’t tell that to Yukina, she would have been sad, like I was when she and Hiei left…Yukina promised to try and get my sister to come…I hope she can.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 21/00
I made a new friend today. His name is Yusk. He seemed nice although he was kind of arrogant. He came to visit me apparently. I wonder why he’d come to visit me? He doesn’t know me. I wonder how he knew that I was here. Yusk made jokes about some guy named Sensui to me and I laughed, pretending to know what he was talking about. I think Yusk had me confused with someone else. I never knew a Sensui or a Yusk. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings though and I really didn’t want him to leave so I didn’t tell him that he must have me confused with someone else. Yusk told me about stuff that he does like fitting and going to ascades. I forget what kind of fitting he does, but it’s not the same as the fitting I do. The fitting I do is boring, all I do is wear clothes. Yusk’s fitting sounded like lots of fun though. He said that ascades were games that you played on something like a television. I don’t know what a television is. I think there’s one in my room though, at least Yusk said that there was a television in my room. He says you watch televisions. I watch toasters be dipped in water. While Yusk was here Yukina came with Kurama and Hi and brought another girl with her. She said that the girl is my sister. I don’t remember having a sister… According to Yukina I asked her to bring my sister. The girl Yukina brought was sad, like the boy in my room. She tried to stick a white piece of paper in her mouth and light it on fire but the nurse kicked her out. She said she’d come back in…but she didn’t. I wonder if she really is my sister…I don’t think I have one though… Yukina and Hi are pretending to be sister and brother according to Yukina. She thanked me for giving her the idea…I don’t remember giving it to her. Yukina’s really pretty, so is Kurama. Kurama reminded me of Yukina, only she was smarter…like a cookie. Kurama laughed when I told her that she’s a cookie and that I’m a toaster. I was sad when everyone left, but I guess they had to. Yukina gave me a box full of chalk saying that it tastes good. I’m kind of nervous to try it but I guess I will. If Yukina says it’s good it must be. Probably better than egg salad.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 27/00
I spent today all alone. All I did was think. Think about life, people, words, objects, illnesses… I can’t believe how much worse I’ve gotten. I’m having a good day today, meaning that my memory is working better than normal. I forgot that I was sick, dying, in the last few days. I wonder what or who else I forgot… My life has turned into a rollercoaster heading for a dead end. How did this happen to me? I don’t remember much about how I used to be, but I remember that I was happy…and I thought I had forever to live…or at least 80 years. When did the world just suddenly decide “Kuwabara, we’re sick of you so now you will die.” Why couldn’t I have died before all this? Why am I suffering through this constant sense of knowing that you’re forgetting something? My sister hasn’t come back…I don’t think she ever will. Yusk keeps coming to visit even though I know that I don’t know him. So does Hi. What kind of a name is Hi anyways? Yukina’s mother had a strange taste in names. Yukina’s so lovely, she visits me almost everyday…I’m starting to forget her. I think I had more friends, but they don’t come anymore and they don’t visit. Only Yukina and Kurama. Although I don’t think I was ever friends with Kurama. She’s just nice to talk to. She lets me dump all my problems on to her and she listens and never says anything. Kurama doesn’t pity me, she doesn’t look at me with sympathy. It’s like she knows that my life will get easier in death and that, for my sake, she hopes I die soon. I hope I die soon. According to a nurse, I’m expected to live until February. Is it such a crime to hope that I don’t make it to see February? Is it such a crime to wish that I’d fall asleep and never wake up? It is…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Jan. 31/00
I made some new friends today. Their names were Yusuke, Hyee, Kureemu and Yuki. They were all very friendly to me. They seem to have been looking for a boy named Kuwaboro. I don’t know anyone with such a stupid name. I told them that I’m not Kuwaboro and that I don’t know any Kuwaboro’s, but they stayed anyways. I guess they could tell that I was lonely. I am lonely. I couldn’t walk this morning. I don’t think I could yesterday either, but I forget. Hyee seemed to be very upset that I couldn’t walk. He didn’t cry or anything, he just seemed angry. He told me that the brat would pay for doing this… I wonder who the brat is. He must be mean to be doing this to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve to not be able to walk. I don’t think I ever did something so horrible to deserve this. It’s not like I ever killed anyone. I never would. If I could just get up and walk and stop being sick I would never do anything wrong again. I would be better than an angel… I wish I could have a second chance. I’m starting slur my words together. And it’s harder to write. I think I may have to ask a nurse to write for me. I want to be able to give this book to the person that gave me the necklace I’m wearing. I don’t remember who she is but I think she should have this book in return for the beautiful gift she gave me. I can’t write anymore, my hand is getting stiff…
-Kuwabara
- - -
Feb. 3/00
I’m having a nurse write this out for me. She’s being very kind by doing this. Thank you. Are you writing everything I say down? You are? Oh good…I asked you to. Please don’t tell anyone what I’m saying aloud…oh, could you ask the boy in the room to leave? Thank you. All right… I sat in bed all day today and had more of those gross egg salad sandwiches. I’m pretty sure that the toaster’s almost dead. I hope it is. My body forgets how to move and I’m starting to forget how to talk, but somehow I’m managing to. Are you making my sentences clear and understandable? Oh, thank you. It would be a jumble if you copied me down word for word. I’m dying. I hope that I get it over with and die soon. I’m sick of staring at the ceiling and sitting in bed while that boy stares at me jealously. What’s he jealous about? I’m dying. I don’t know why he’s jealous. Maybe he has a bad life and wishes he could die. I think it’s weird that people wish they could die. I don’t have a choice; I just hope I die soon so I can get this all over with. I met some new people today. Ramuka, Sookee, Ankiu, and Hee. It was odd talking to them. The entire time they were there, I had a nagging feeling that I knew them…But I don’t. It was strange though. Ramuka is a very nice person to talk to. He seemed to listen to my pleas of dying soon and completely understood. Sookee seemed to think I was being weak. Who is he to judge me? He’s never been faced with death. Ankiu was a lovely woman. She told me that she cared for me. How odd is that? I don’t even know her and she’s crying because I’m dying. How long do you think I’ll live nurse…Sakora? Sakora…that’s a pretty name. How long do you think I have left? Oh. That long? Are you sure? Well, I guess I should be happy that I won’t be around for another five months in this condition… I just wish that I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow, you know? Well, I suppose you don’t… Thank you for writing for me.
-Kuwabara
- - -
Feb. 10/00
Kuwabara can no longer speak or move. He’s nearly blind. I suppose he would have appreciated me writing in this journal of his condition. Poor Kuwabara. He’s such a helpful soul. He helped ‘the crazy lady’ settle down and come to peace with whatever demons were haunting her. It shouldn’t be much longer, though I’m sure he’s relieved to know that. Kuwabara once told me that he loves a woman named Yukina…if she ever comes again I’ll give her this book. She’d like to know what he was feeling in his last two months. Kuwabara will be missed.
-Nurse Sakora
- - -
In every heart, there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lover’s past
Until a new one comes along
“Hey, is Kuwabara here?”
“May I ask who you are?”
“My name’s Yusuke, I’m one of his friends.”
“Ah…well…would you like to sit down?”
“No, I want to see…no…”
“Sir, you’re not looking well. Please take a seat.”
“No, I don’t want to take a seat. …Kuwabara… Kuwabara! Where the hell is Kuwabara. Tell me now damnit!”
“Sir!”
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I’ve said too much
My silence is my self defense
“He’s dead?”
“Yeah…”
“Kazuma-kun…”
“Yukina, please, he wouldn’t want you to cry.”
“I know Kurama… but…”
“Yukina. The nurse gave this to me. She said that Kuwabara would want you to have it…”
“What is it?”
“It’s a journal of his last few months…”
“Thank you, Yusuke.”
“You’re welcome… Kurama?”
“Yes?”
“You should tell Hiei.”
“Yes…I suppose I should…”
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I’ve only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
“Hiei…I need t-”
“He’s gone.”
“…Yes.”
“…”
“Hiei, he cared for you and he knew you cared for him in return.”
“I know.”
“Why then do you look so angry?”
“It’s my fault this happened to him Kurama. I should have been able to tell that there was that…whatever it was in his brain.”
“Hiei there was n-”
”Kurama don’t waste your efforts on me. Try to console Yukina. She needs it more.”
“Yes, but Hiei, you need someone to talk to too.”
“Talk…?”
“Yes.”
“I suppose I could tell you…”
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
“He didn’t remember me. His own sister! I’m an awful person. He died thinking I’d abandoned him…”
“Shizuru, he didn’t think you abandoned him.”
“Tell my why he wouldn’t?”
“Because, Kuwabara loved you, and he knew that love was returned.”
“I never visited him Yukina. You had to beg me to visit him. How can he not have thought I abandoned him?”
“Shizuru…”
“I’m sorry Yukina, you’re grieving too I shouldn’t be burdening you with this…”
“Oh please Shizuru, don’t cry, I’m all righty… he knew you loved him.”
“I know…but I still can’t help feel that I deserted him…”
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
“Shuichi is anything wrong?”
“No mother.”
“Shuichi there’s something bothering you…”
“Well…my friend, the one who’s been sick, he’s passed away.”
“Oh Shuichi, I’m so sorry.”
“Me too…”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“I suppose I could tell you…”
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
“Kazuma… Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have rejected you. Oh Kuwabara, I wish I could have helped you…you loved me? You loved me. I wish you would have told me Kuwabara, I…I…I…I love you too…”
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
- - -
~Fin~