In the absence of an RP...

[diego_flombere]

The alley

A scanner buzzing overhead on pre-programmed circuits, its regimented path. Police sirens dopplering in the distance. For this kind of city, it was the sounds of night getting off to a good start.

She giggles, pulling him towards an alcove. Old tenement building, brick and mortar, soft rattling of her braids

Comments

Not Bad

[zemalac]

Not bad at all, in fact. Has some minor grammar problems, but you'll probably straighten those out later, right?

Some thoughts:

You've created a great world here, perfectly detailed cyberpunk. That part is pure, rich goodness: the details on the surgery and the systems of whatever city this is work very well at giving the impression you were going for. The imagery, the description, all that is good.

What I would work on, if I were you, are the details of the plot. It's currently too cliche. I mean, I saw the poor CFB guy's murder coming a mile off. And the Private Eye character, the one from the first person perspective...what can I say about him except that he doesn't behave normally? I mean, he gets an important assignment--from the CFB, no less, who you've already implied are huge and important--and immediately goes off to get drunk. No explanation is given for that, and it kind of throws me off. You expect PI characters to hang around in bars, getting drunk and finding informants almost by accident, but here it seems forced. The characters thus far are like painted cutouts on rails. It may have the shape of an interesting story, and the details of the painting are masterful, but you can see where it's going far too easily. Worse still, you get the feeling you've seen this story before.

Besides that, though, it's not bad. Since you've already said that it's far from complete, the problems I mentioned above are forgivable and entirely fixable.

One final thought: the Collective Flamboyant Brotherhood is a really weird name for a cyber-security organization. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but...it's weird.

Re: Not Bad

[diego_flombere]

Haha yeah, Collective Flamboyant Brotherhood does come off as a bit odd. They're more of an obscure quasi religious techno-based secret society than an organization or a business in the traditional sense. They work in cyber security as an honest front, in the same way a thief could work as a locksmith. And their ultimate goal is to ascend to a purely digital state of being (pay attention- this will be important later in the plot), so they are all a bit mad. I thought CFB kinda represented their eccentricity.
Characterization is poor I agree, something I know I'm gonna have to work on but I plan on doing that once I finish the first draft and have good frame to paste extra bits on around.

I'll take those other points on board, see if I can't better communicate the PI's motivation and the such.

Thanks for the feedback.