(no subject)
dear mother,
i am sorry i will never be the suzy homemaker daughter you always wanted, who doesn`t mind cleaning or keeping her room tidy enough to appease you. i will never be the daughter who brings home the boy you always wanted me to bring home and frankly, i probably won`t bring home the girl you want me to bring home either. i realize you don`t understand how much committment the things i chose to do in high school required or the dedication i needed to not only hear them bitching at me for doing something wrong, but hearing you, too, telling me that it was a waste of time. i`m tired of not wanting to be a physical therapist or a pharmacist and being told i ought to be. i`m sorry you don`t think i can do more than that. i`m sorry you don`t see me for my drive and dedication but rather, just the mess i leave in my often untidy--but not piggish--room and my faults. i apologize for never being the perfect daughter, for snapping, for doing everything you expected me to do right... wrong, ultimately. you do not understand the strain and i know that i love you, but as of late, these things you have said or implied to me cut deeply.
maybe i do not jump at the opportunity to do a chore for you, but i do it. i take care of the baby when asked. i keep up with my laundry. i usually at least keep my floor clean, despite my desk being messy. you want me to clean the way YOU do. i can`t do that because you never taught me how, mother. it has only been the past few years that you have been expecting me to tend to my own duties--and i`m well aware of how irresponsible that sounds. but i clean the way i know how. i do put things away; but to keep you off of my back, yes, i do surface clean. it does not mean my dorm will be a scum hole. my room is not--I REPEAT, IS NOT--a scum hole.
i hope abigail lives up to your concept of prodigal daughter, because i have fallen short. i hope she is a normal teenager who is not too deep or gets along too well with adults. i hope she is straight, i hope she is tidy, i hope she is always feminine. i hope she plays sports or gets a job earlier than i did to get away and pays for her own insurance so she can drive as soon as possible. i`m sorry that i have fallen. maybe i should get my nose out of a book and forget about college, because maybe if i spent more time paying attention to the rest of my life, you wouldn`t think i was such a disgusting, repulsive failure. i will never be your homemaker. and maybe, in a small place of me, i`m sorry. but really, i`m not. it isn`t me.
with love your daughter,
veronica
p.s.: i understand your stress, but there is no reason to have yelled at me or abigail in the way that you have the past few days. your having no control over your emotions or your life does not equate to getting so irritated so abruptly with your children. that has been the bottom line with you, always, that you allow the outside to get on the inside too quickly. breathe once and a while. get away for a while.
sigh.
dear june 7th,
i`ve been waiting for you for a while. should i text your phone and ask when you will be here already? thanks.
sincerely,
veronica.