(no subject)
Prom was 3 days ago. I don't even know why I went, really. I just.. I watch all these people around me, these stupid little people, their lives passing them by so quickly, and their only worry is who their date will be to a some gathering. It doesn't- it didn't make sense to me. But they were all so excited, talking to their friends, and it was just another way for them not to feel so alone and pointless in this world, I think. The worst part, there was this little nagging that told me I should be a part of it. Everything in this mortal coil is so unexplainable. It was nearly a bodily feeling that screamed at me that I needed to be one of them, that I need friends, people to surround me. Solitude gets lonely after a while, I suppose. But I never minded it before. I revelled in it. And of all people, the one person who my body told me I should go with was that Xander. Men are evil, I know that, but he seems... less so. I should know better. Anyanka knows better. But ever since that foolish little British man smashed my amulet, it's like I'm two people. And one's the human girl Anya, who will sit here, on a cheap lumpy bed, looking at the picture of her and Alexander that the strange man running around with the camera took at Prom, while what's left of Anyanka sits in the dark recesses of her mind, insulting the boy, telling her to work to get back into vengeance... and the two listen to each other and try to live together, but soon I think that Anya's going to take over. Because I suppose I'm pretty much Anya now. All that's left of Anyanka is in my head, since D'Hoffryn isn't budging. And I keep staring at this picture, trying to figure out what it is about this tiny man that makes my belly feel like it's doing backflips, and that I can't seem to get out of my head. I pick up the phone, dialing the number, but more mortal feelings overcome me and I hang up. I'll talk to him tomorrow, I tell myself, in class, I'll do it tomorrow. Because I have to. I have to know why Anya/I can't get him out of his mind. Perhaps he's cast a spell on me. It'd make more sense, I've prided myself on being strong, much too respectable to fall for some boy whom I've already wreaked my vengeance on... or any male. Cause that Anyanka part of me keeps reminding me that men are evil. Yes, I'll talk to Xander tomorrow. Ask him what he thinks he's trying to do. Or, maybe I'll ask him if he would like to do something. Perhaps if I spend more time with him I'll see that there's nothing to think about, the only reason I'm looking at him is because I need a good lay, and all the other men around here are far too brutish. Or I'll like him more, which would be dangerous. Just leading myself to hurt, like all those other women do, and I'd hate to have to turn him into a slug. But I have to know, why I'm thinking about him, why he's resisting. I know he likes the way I look. He's always staring at my breasts. I told him that, too, and he became all mortal and red and embarassed and said that was a common thing with guys and him, but he was so nice to me the other day. He got all dressed up and gave me a flower, and slow danced with me, and stared again, and talked to me nicely, but now he's gone back to ignoring and avoiding, and I don't understand what he's trying to do. What he means. Why he won't go out of my thoughts. This mortal body brought so many troubles and feelings with it and I don't understand. And no one's explaining. I have to know. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll talk to him.