(no subject)
really and truly...
i hate the word love
i hate the feeling of it too
i hate the fact that i can't fall out of it
i hate the way he always makes me laugh
i hate how it hurts when he doesn't care at all
i hate how i've tried but i still can't manage...
to hate him
this morning during morning meeting the meditaition was one on like
"loving kindness" or someting just as stupid...
i don't even really remember what happened, but i completely tuned out for a while
and i kinda fell asleep but when i woke up the first thing i heard was something like...
"what's the first thing that comes into your heart?"
and slowly but surely
his name found it's way
into my head
and now
i can't cry
i can't smile
i can't figure this out
i can't let him go
no matter how much it hurts
there was another entry i think
where i said that my heart felt like it was in vise and like it was just getting squeezed
tighter
and tighter
and that's how it feels now
and it fucking sucks
I HATE THIS FEELING! IT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP MY FUCKING HEART OUT OF MY CHEST SO I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL ANYTHING!
i don't want to die... i don't want to hurt myself... i just want the pain to stop...
it's enought to make someone go crazy.
but i don't have to worry about that... i already am.