Morning, Folks!
Okay, so as the time of posting may give away, I am something of an insomniac. I have been meaning to post for the last while and I apologize for not being able to do so until now. Anyways, enough of that shit, let's get on with this!
WORK
Yeah, I finally gave Canad Inns the big Fuck You and went to Boston Pizza. Sure, hours are kinda shit and I'm doing minimum wage, but at least I get tip pool and the bosses there aren't friggin nazis.
MOVIE REVIEWS
Everyone loves these, and I haven't put up some good reviews in a long while, so what are we waiting for?
The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated)
Plot: A remake of the Wes Craven film of the same name, a family on a road trip to California wind up going through the desert, where they are caught in a road spike trap set by a bunch of sick fuck mutants who have a taste for flesh, regardless where it's from. Squeamish chaos ensues.
What Works: The ever-present sense of danger that constantly lurks about in this film. A family with little to no supplies stuck in the ass end of nowhere with not only psycho cannibals running about, but the elements can kill them too. I do, of course, mean the blazing sun during the day and the freezing nights, not to mention the rugged terrain that almost kills the son after he takes a bad spill after finding one of their dogs slaughtered.
Watching the mutants die. The film does such a good job of making the mutants such vile creatures that you almost want to jump out of your seat in joy as the other dog tears their throat open or the son in law buries the axe into the retarded mutant's face. Fuck you, muties!
What Doesn't Work: Maybe I'm becoming a wuss in my years, but this was a very hard movie to sit through. Allow me to tell you why.
The group of victims. You know, it's tough to watch a family get masacarred like this without thinking of your own. I mean, how would you feel if you went around the corner of a valley and found some cannibal hunched over the corpse of your mother with her chest torn open and her heart and lungs hanging out of his mouth, huh? Or finding your wife after her tits have been sucked on by some mutant and then her head is blown open? It's one thing to feel bad for the characters when their friends are being killed, but it made me feel downright sick watching a family having to watch their own go through this kind of hell.
Beauty's death. I have a very soft spot for dogs in my heart and seeing the guy with the binoculars chewing on her leg like that really pissed me off. Fortunately, my disapproval wasn't in vein as two scenes later, Beast (the other German Sheppard) rips his throat clean open and brings his severed arm to the family as a gift.
The level of gore. Sure, a horror movie is required to show some blood and guts, but this was overkill. It almost seems like when this film was in pre-production stages, the crew said, "You know, let's make one of the grossest movies ever and throw other aspects of making a good horror film out the window!"
The ending. I'm sorry, but I'm getting really tired of the whole "Horror-Twist-Ending" deal. I think it's being done to death.
The rape scene. This part of the film infuriated me because it was not necessary to see that and quite frankly, I do not appreciate scenes where a female character is robbed of her dignity like that because I am very strongly against rape. When my girlfriend watched this film, at that scene she shook her head and told her friend, "This is the stupidest movie ever." I myself am not going that far, but it sure lost points with me at that part. In fact, I wasn't sure if I could sit through the rest of the film. The rape scene in this film didn't bother me nearly as much as the rape scene in Derailed did, where we had to actually stop the movie.
Final Ruling: I was considering watching the original version of this film before I saw this, but now I don't think I'm going to bother. If the original is anything like this one, I can do without it. The Hills Have Eyes has it's upward moments, but they weren't enough to save the film for me. This is a hit or miss type of film and with the content that it has, I am not surprised at some of the reviews that I have seen. If you haven't seen this film already, I will tell you what I think: The Hills Have Eyes is not for the weak stomached, but even if you aren't, watch at your own risk.
THE HILLS HAVE EYES (UNRATED) DOES NOT GET THE DIRTBALL'S STAMP OF APPROVAL
Snakes On A Plane
Plot: A man witnesses a crime lord murdering one of his prosecuters. While his goons chase after the witness, he is snagged by Samuel L. Jackson and they get on a plane to fly back to L.A. to testify against the crime lord. Sadly, the dude has rigged their plane with a huge crate containing hundreds of poisonous snakes that are set free upon the passengers and crew.
What Works: The story. This is one worst-case scenario that the feds haven't thought of and it is delivered well.
Each character has their own little kwerks that really has you either rooting for them and feel kinda bad when a few of them die (best example being the married couple that came to Hawaii because the woman wanted to even though her husband is deathly afraid of everything involving flying) or the character in question is such an asshole that you can't wait for him to get it, as is the case with one of the characters. I won't tell you who, though.
The humor. I think every good "things-are-going-from-bad-to-worse" scenario film should have some good jokes so that the characters do seem like they aren't being overly dramatic and are trying to ease each other's fear by cracking off a few one liners here and there. One of the best lines is closer to the end of the film when Samuel L. Jackson and the dude who played Fat Albert are trying to land the plane. I won't spoil that for you, either.
Samuel L. Jackson. He really kicks ass in this film as the FBI agent. Who'd of thought of using a single tazer against a plane full of poisonous snakes that are all trying to eat you at once? He really is one bad mutha-fucka.
The snake attacks. Some of these were some of the slickest yet grossest things I've seen on film in a long while. Some parts are downright gross, but not too gross that you'll want to tear your eyes away from it.
What Doesn't Work: I thought the part where the rap star trying to start a mutiny was kind of dumb. I mean, the character's celebrity status doesn't mean shit when they are all facing the same problem. I don't give a damn if you are 3 Cheese or whatever fucking triple dairy product you are, don't try to take the fed's gun and run the show when you don't have a clear head, especially when the fed is Samuel L. Jackson.
A few snake attacks kind of disgusted me. The two in the bathroom and the woman with the vomit bag really made me cringe. I suppose that's what the movie is supposed to do, but yeesh.
The part where Jackson has to get the power back on to turn on the A/C reminded me too much of when he tried to turn power back on to the complex in Jurassic Park. I mean, he actually lives through the trip to the control panel in this one, but that whole scenario just reminded me too much of JP.
Final Ruling: I'm glad this film was reshot for an "R" rating because I don't see how it could've worked with it's original PG rating. All in all, Snakes On A Plane is a great fun ride at the movies that I would highly reccomend to anyone who likes reptiles or suspense films. I would watch this film again, but maybe not at the theatre. If cheap Tuesdays were still around, I would seriously think about it, though. In closing, go see Snakes On A Plane.
SNAKES ON A PLANE GETS THE DIRTBALL'S STAMP OF APPROVAL
WORK
Yeah, I finally gave Canad Inns the big Fuck You and went to Boston Pizza. Sure, hours are kinda shit and I'm doing minimum wage, but at least I get tip pool and the bosses there aren't friggin nazis.
MOVIE REVIEWS
Everyone loves these, and I haven't put up some good reviews in a long while, so what are we waiting for?
The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated)
Plot: A remake of the Wes Craven film of the same name, a family on a road trip to California wind up going through the desert, where they are caught in a road spike trap set by a bunch of sick fuck mutants who have a taste for flesh, regardless where it's from. Squeamish chaos ensues.
What Works: The ever-present sense of danger that constantly lurks about in this film. A family with little to no supplies stuck in the ass end of nowhere with not only psycho cannibals running about, but the elements can kill them too. I do, of course, mean the blazing sun during the day and the freezing nights, not to mention the rugged terrain that almost kills the son after he takes a bad spill after finding one of their dogs slaughtered.
Watching the mutants die. The film does such a good job of making the mutants such vile creatures that you almost want to jump out of your seat in joy as the other dog tears their throat open or the son in law buries the axe into the retarded mutant's face. Fuck you, muties!
What Doesn't Work: Maybe I'm becoming a wuss in my years, but this was a very hard movie to sit through. Allow me to tell you why.
The group of victims. You know, it's tough to watch a family get masacarred like this without thinking of your own. I mean, how would you feel if you went around the corner of a valley and found some cannibal hunched over the corpse of your mother with her chest torn open and her heart and lungs hanging out of his mouth, huh? Or finding your wife after her tits have been sucked on by some mutant and then her head is blown open? It's one thing to feel bad for the characters when their friends are being killed, but it made me feel downright sick watching a family having to watch their own go through this kind of hell.
Beauty's death. I have a very soft spot for dogs in my heart and seeing the guy with the binoculars chewing on her leg like that really pissed me off. Fortunately, my disapproval wasn't in vein as two scenes later, Beast (the other German Sheppard) rips his throat clean open and brings his severed arm to the family as a gift.
The level of gore. Sure, a horror movie is required to show some blood and guts, but this was overkill. It almost seems like when this film was in pre-production stages, the crew said, "You know, let's make one of the grossest movies ever and throw other aspects of making a good horror film out the window!"
The ending. I'm sorry, but I'm getting really tired of the whole "Horror-Twist-Ending" deal. I think it's being done to death.
The rape scene. This part of the film infuriated me because it was not necessary to see that and quite frankly, I do not appreciate scenes where a female character is robbed of her dignity like that because I am very strongly against rape. When my girlfriend watched this film, at that scene she shook her head and told her friend, "This is the stupidest movie ever." I myself am not going that far, but it sure lost points with me at that part. In fact, I wasn't sure if I could sit through the rest of the film. The rape scene in this film didn't bother me nearly as much as the rape scene in Derailed did, where we had to actually stop the movie.
Final Ruling: I was considering watching the original version of this film before I saw this, but now I don't think I'm going to bother. If the original is anything like this one, I can do without it. The Hills Have Eyes has it's upward moments, but they weren't enough to save the film for me. This is a hit or miss type of film and with the content that it has, I am not surprised at some of the reviews that I have seen. If you haven't seen this film already, I will tell you what I think: The Hills Have Eyes is not for the weak stomached, but even if you aren't, watch at your own risk.
THE HILLS HAVE EYES (UNRATED) DOES NOT GET THE DIRTBALL'S STAMP OF APPROVAL
Snakes On A Plane
Plot: A man witnesses a crime lord murdering one of his prosecuters. While his goons chase after the witness, he is snagged by Samuel L. Jackson and they get on a plane to fly back to L.A. to testify against the crime lord. Sadly, the dude has rigged their plane with a huge crate containing hundreds of poisonous snakes that are set free upon the passengers and crew.
What Works: The story. This is one worst-case scenario that the feds haven't thought of and it is delivered well.
Each character has their own little kwerks that really has you either rooting for them and feel kinda bad when a few of them die (best example being the married couple that came to Hawaii because the woman wanted to even though her husband is deathly afraid of everything involving flying) or the character in question is such an asshole that you can't wait for him to get it, as is the case with one of the characters. I won't tell you who, though.
The humor. I think every good "things-are-going-from-bad-to-worse" scenario film should have some good jokes so that the characters do seem like they aren't being overly dramatic and are trying to ease each other's fear by cracking off a few one liners here and there. One of the best lines is closer to the end of the film when Samuel L. Jackson and the dude who played Fat Albert are trying to land the plane. I won't spoil that for you, either.
Samuel L. Jackson. He really kicks ass in this film as the FBI agent. Who'd of thought of using a single tazer against a plane full of poisonous snakes that are all trying to eat you at once? He really is one bad mutha-fucka.
The snake attacks. Some of these were some of the slickest yet grossest things I've seen on film in a long while. Some parts are downright gross, but not too gross that you'll want to tear your eyes away from it.
What Doesn't Work: I thought the part where the rap star trying to start a mutiny was kind of dumb. I mean, the character's celebrity status doesn't mean shit when they are all facing the same problem. I don't give a damn if you are 3 Cheese or whatever fucking triple dairy product you are, don't try to take the fed's gun and run the show when you don't have a clear head, especially when the fed is Samuel L. Jackson.
A few snake attacks kind of disgusted me. The two in the bathroom and the woman with the vomit bag really made me cringe. I suppose that's what the movie is supposed to do, but yeesh.
The part where Jackson has to get the power back on to turn on the A/C reminded me too much of when he tried to turn power back on to the complex in Jurassic Park. I mean, he actually lives through the trip to the control panel in this one, but that whole scenario just reminded me too much of JP.
Final Ruling: I'm glad this film was reshot for an "R" rating because I don't see how it could've worked with it's original PG rating. All in all, Snakes On A Plane is a great fun ride at the movies that I would highly reccomend to anyone who likes reptiles or suspense films. I would watch this film again, but maybe not at the theatre. If cheap Tuesdays were still around, I would seriously think about it, though. In closing, go see Snakes On A Plane.
SNAKES ON A PLANE GETS THE DIRTBALL'S STAMP OF APPROVAL