Supernatural fic: Grace Under Fire 10/10 (Dean/Cas PG-13 AU)
Title: Grace Under Fire [chapter 10/10]
Rating: NC-17 overall. PG-13 this part.
Pairings/Characters: Dean/Castiel, Balthazar/Sam, past Dean/Lisa
Genre: AU, romance, drama.
Spoilers/Warnings: AU references to season 6
Word Count: 3,710 this part (26,350 up to here)
Summary: The one where there is finally some emotional breakthrough... And an actual fire...
A/N: I think I have to make one last shoutout here to nicole_sill , who mentioned something about dangerous fires way back when I first starting dabbling with this fic. Thanks for always leaving ideas that end up wurming their way into my brain lol! Your passing comment ended up being the analagous climax to the journey of emotional growth I've been trying to make a point of :S
Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine. And one last Star Wars quote, FTW.
[ Chapter 1] [ Chapter 2] [ Chapter 3] [ Chapter 4] [ Chapter 5] [ Chapter 6] [ Chapter 7] [ Chapter 8] [ Chapter 9]
~
Castiel?
Sam! Castiel exclaimed in surprise, looking up from his marking and finding the younger Winchester brother standing at the door of the teachers lounge. What are you doing here?
I came to talk to you about Dean, Sam replied, entering the room.
Oh, Castiels face fell minutely before he tried to smile again, small and tight. Is his Castiel gestured towards his face, ...alright?
Yeah, Sam replied, huffing a laugh. Dont worry, Im sure he deserved it.
Castiel breathed a small laugh of his own, mostly a sound of relief, surprised at Sams generosity over the whole situation. Thank you, Sam, he smiled, more genuine this time.
Sam just stared at him for a moment, silent and thoughtful, before he eventually sat down at the table, sighing. Castiel raised his eyebrows in curiosity, but waited patiently for the other man to work up to whatever it was he wanted to say.
Look, Im really sorry about coming here to do this, but Sam paused, sighing again, Hes really miserable, Cas. Could you just give him another chance?
Castiel sucked in a surprised breath as he was hit with the full force of Sams infamous puppy-dog eyes. The request alone was enough to send his conflicting emotions into turmoil, without the added pressure of that gaze, and in the end he had to look away.
He broke it off with me, Sam, Castiel sighed. He kept telling me I could do better, that I deserved better. And I thought he was being ridiculous at first, but I suppose the real problem was that I just wasnt enough, or something. Not enough to make him want to fight for us, in any case, Castiel frowned. Maybe I couldnt offer him the same things Lisa did, I dont know, he added, remembering the chance meeting that had set off this downward spiral.
No, Cas! Sam jumped in vehemently, You were right about him being ridiculous. It was never about Lisa. Well, it in a way was. He just didnt want to expose her, or you, to the kind of hurt hes been through because he loves you.
Castiels chest constricted at that, and he had to swallow down the lump in his throat before he replied. That may be true Sam, but I dont know what more I can do.
It is true, Cas. You gotta know that, right? Sam replied softly. And the words were so similar to what Dean had said to him that last night theyd spent together, Castiel had to bite his lip to keep the tears from spilling over.
"Its just how Dean works, Sam continued. The more he keeps throwing himself onto the proverbial fire for you just proves how much he cares about you.
And what am I supposed to do with that if it ultimately means he keeps pushing me away? Castiel shot back in frustration. Sams eyebrows flew up in surprise at the sudden outburst, but his eyes softened again sympathetically.
Just keep trying, Cas. Please. No matter what Dean says to chase you away, Sam grinned. I think hes starting to come around, since you knocked some sense into him.
Castiel exhaled another small laugh at that, but couldnt hold his smile for long. As much as he wanted tell Sam, Yes, Ill keep trying, he just didnt think he could. Hed already given Dean more chances than he should have, and gotten burned for it. Hed learned his lesson.
Ill think about it, he replied instead.
Okay, Sam replied after a moment. Okay. I guess thats all I can ask you to do, he said, standing up to leave. Thanks, Cas, he smiled ruefully.
Goodbye, Sam, Castiel replied.
Unfortunately, just when Sam got to the door, it swung open, and Balthazar walked in.
Sam! Balthazar exclaimed, stopping in his tracks.
B--Balthazar, Sam sputtered, turning red.
Balthazar huffed out a breathless chuckle. Awkward, he smiled weakly.
Um yeah, Sam returned a wan smile.
Balthazar looked around the room, seeing Castiel at the table, then turned back to Sam. Lets talk outside, he gestured towards the door. Sam followed Balthazar out, leaving Castiel alone in the teachers lounge, but much to his chagrin he could still hear every word echoing from the empty hallway outside.
So howve you been? Balthazar asked Sam amicably.
Why didnt you ever call me back? Sam asked, cutting through the preamble. I thought we had a good time, he said softly.
We did, Balthazar returned, sounding surprised. I thought you werent interested, so I thought Id just let it go gracefully.
I was interested, Sam replied with some vehemence. Maybe it shocked Balthazar a bit, because he didnt say anything in reply, and the silence stretched between them.
Then Sam suddenly huffed a laugh.
"Im sorry if I didnt seem interested, Im just not the kind of guy that puts out on a first date.
Oh, Balthazar replied. Well I am.
Castiel snorted at Balthazars brazenness.
Huh, Sam replied. The silence stretched again.
Look. Sam. I suppose thats the point Im trying to make, Balthazar finally said.
I dont understand, Sam replied.
Youre too good for me.
Castiel sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Not this again, Sam groaned.
Im sorry? Balthazar asked, confused.
Look, dont give me that, okay? I like you and I want to give this a shot, and that should be all that matters. Its that simple, Sam said determinedly.
Oh, Balthazar breathed, sounding pleased. And then he made a surprised, choked off sound, followed by another long stretch of silence, filled with decidedly less awkwardness, and much more discomfort from Castiels side of the door.
Thankfully that was when Sams phone chose to go off, interrupting the two men from whatever it was they were doing. Sam murmured an apology, and whatever Balthazar murmured in reply was too quiet for Castiel to hear, but there was no mistaking the change in tone from before. They sounded like they were entirely on the same page now breathy, pleased, almost hopeful - and when Balthazar entered the room again he looked very flushed and very, very happy.
Suddenly Castiel felt very, very stupid.
The smile on Balthazars face said it all.
And if love isnt worth the risk, then what was?
Castiel stood abruptly, grabbing his phone and heading to the door. And as he brushed past the other man, Balthazar murmured, Go get him, Cas.
~
This is Deans phone, you know what to do.
Castiel cursed as he got Deans voicemail again, and quickly hung up so he could type a message instead, asking to speak face-to-face. But considering the way their last meeting went, he could understand why Dean would be reluctant to reply.
Unfortunately Sam wasnt answering either, but that made sense, since hed just left and was probably driving.
Screw it. He was tired of letting all this ridiculous melodrama eat away at his soul. He knew how Dean felt about him. How Dean still felt about him. Hed just go wait on Deans doorstep again until Dean came home. Make Dean understand that he wasnt going anywhere, ever, no matter what Dean said or did to push him away.
He knew it was right thing to do now, deep in his bones. Hed been telling himself over and over to be strong and move on, let Dean go and maybe find someone new. Hed thought he was being weak for still trying to hold on after everything Dean did to push him away. But now he realised hed had it the wrong way around. That he was being weak by running away from what he knew was right, difficult as that road would be. Dean was worth waiting for, worth fighting for, and thats just what Castiel was going to do.
Castiel headed back towards the teachers lounge to grab the rest of his things, feeling renewed by a determination he hadnt felt in weeks.
But as soon as he re-entered the lounge he was stopped in his tracks, seeing Balthazar standing in front of the rooms small television with a stricken look on his face. Castiel felt all the breath rush out of him as he saw the news report currently on the screen, the entire frame taken up by an old building, completely engulfed in flames, and setting the buildings around it alight as well.
Sams emergency call Balthazar trailed off, turning to look at him, eyes filled with worry that no doubt matched his own. In the background the news anchor droned on, explaining how a sink fire was the suspected cause of the blaze, that all the surrounding brigades were being called in to help manage the conflagration and that the area should be avoided if possible.
Dean Castiel gasped, panic starting to rush through him. Dean just couldn't be in that chaos. He just couldn't.
Itll be alright, Balthazar whispered, reaching out to squeeze his arm in comfort.
But what if it wasnt?
Castiel didnt want to think it. He just couldnt bear the thought of something happening to Dean, especially not after the way theyd left things.
He hurried over to the table to collect his keys, and flew out the door.
~
Dean kicked through the remains of the door, widening the opening hed created with an axe so he and Rufus could pass through. They didnt have much time. The building was already starting to sag in on itself from the weight of the water coming in from outside and they had to get this lady out.
Dean couldnt believe the building was still in use. It couldnt have been legally safe to live in anymore. And yet people still lived there - Elderly people, young families all living in this delusion of safety while the homes theyd created were doomed to crumble inwards on themselves at the slightest form of pressure. He didnt know how the building owner had passed the safety inspections, but considering the part of town, it was most likely done under the table.
The building wasn't going to make it. All they could really do was get everyone out and try to keep the fire from spreading to the buildings around it, probably just as old and structurally unsafe as well.
They were barely able to see through the smoke as they entered the apartment and began to search, yelling out to be heard through their masks. Dean did a sweep of the kitchen while Rufus checked the bedroom, and when the older man eventually re-emerged he had the woman with him. She was nearly unconscious from smoke inhalation, but thankfully she was able to walk with her arm slung around Rufus neck. It was a good thing the neighbors had noticed the woman hadnt made it outside, or the building would most likely have gone down with her in it.
Dean hauled ass after Rufus, helping him get the woman through the door and to the stairs. Already the ceilings were starting to collapse, furniture crashing through floors and creating a minefield of falling debris around them. Then suddenly a small bar-fridge fell through the ceiling, right on the stairs in front of Dean.
Dean! You okay?! Rufus yelled, turning back to check on him.
Im okay, keep going! he yelled back, motioning for Rufus to get the woman out as he climbed over the television. Rufus nodded, turning back to the entrance and guiding the woman out.
Had it not been for the fridge, Dean wouldve been right behind Rufus, safely away from danger in those few remaining steps. But as it was, those few seconds of delay made all the difference, the entire entrance collapsing on itself as soon as Rufus exited, trapping Dean under a huge pile of burnt, wet, heavy debris.
He was lucky to still be alive. If it hadnt been for the strange angle one of the support beams had fallen, he wouldnt be. But while the beam had managed to keep most of the debris off of him, it also had him effectively trapped, pinned by the leg and unable to escape.
At least his leg wasnt broken. It was a little painful, but mostly he was just stuck. And everytime he tried to lift the beam off his leg, the debris balanced precariously above it began to teeter dangerously, creaking and groaning like the whole pile would collapse even further.
Son of a bitch! Dean cursed, collapsing back onto the ground. At the rate the rest of the building was going, he didnt have time to wait for a team to cut through the rubble for him. Not that he would want anyone else to risk their safety either.
He just hoped someone had the sense to keep Sam away if he was on the scene.
Dammit, Dean cursed again. Suddenly he was so, so very tired. And he didnt even want to get up, even if he could have. This was it. He was going to go, the exact same way his father had. And just like his father, he was going to die alone. Unloved. A miserable end to a truly pathetic existence.
Maybe it was better this way.
Maybe now Sam would get on with his life, go back to law school and make something of himself instead of having to worry about his big brother and the so-called family business.
But either way, the kid had turned out alright. Somehow Dean hadnt been able to screw that up, at least.
And at least At least for a short time, he had Cas. At least for a while he had that happiness. Had love.
He tried to focus on that, as the smoke became so thick and black he could barely see the flames consuming the walls around him. Tried to imagine Cas face, his voice, the smile he had only for Dean. He remembered the first time he saw that smile, lit up by the glow of candlelight, that first dinner theyd had together. The same smile he would wake up to, warm in Cas arms, and would sometimes catch when Cas thought he wasnt looking. And then there was Cas low laugh in his ears, the way he moaned his name when they God, the way Cas had practically glowed in the low light of his bedroom that first night together, the way it felt so right, so easy to fall into each other, like hed found home.
He tried to imagine what Cas would look like five years from now, the crinkles around his eyes a little deeper, his gaze a little wiser. Ten years from now, maybe some white at his temples, maybe needing glasses then, one of those tweed jackets with elbow patches to complete the ridiculously sexy teacher stereotype. Would he still smile at Dean the same way? Still watch over him at night, chasing his nightmares away? Cas would be a great Dad. Maybe they couldve adopted. Expanded their little family. Taught some little boy, or girl, all about Zeppelin and Star Wars and all the other awesome things in the world. And every time they told each other I love you, the other would reply I know, just like Han Solo and Princess Leia.
Suddenly Dean felt ridiculously stupid.
He couldve had all those things. Everything Cas had offered. How could he have even begun to think living would be worth it with anything less?
Even if theyd only had the time together until now, it wouldve been worth it, because the thought if it all ending now, the way theyd left things, was so much worse.
He wished he could at least tell Cas he was sorry, for being such an idiot. At least tell him that he was the one, and that he did want forever, however short that mightve been.
And goddamnit he wasnt going to just lie here and wait for his death, when there was even the slightest chance he could have it all. When there was the slightest chance he might be able to lift the beam off his leg, and if he did, then just maybe a great pile of debris wouldnt come crashing down on him. And if it didnt, then maybe there was a chance he just might be able to crawl his way through the rubble, and live to see another day, another smile.
~
Castiel wasnt sure how long hed been pacing the sidewalk outside the fire station, it couldve been fifteen minutes or fifteen hours for all that he could tell the difference, but he just needed some air.
Principal Harvelles daughter Jo had been kind enough to let him sit in the office with her while she was working dispatch, but hed found that having constant updates of what was happening on the scene to be much more nerve wrecking than not having them. Everytime he heard the scratch of an incoming communication over the radio his heart leapt into his mouth, thickening his throat with dread until he just couldnt breath anymore. Hed had to leave.
He couldnt go far though. If he stayed on the sidewalk at least he would see the trucks if they came back anytime soon.
Realistically, he knew there was little chance he wouldve caught Dean at the station before getting called out, but hed had to at least try. But Dean had been with one of the first trucks to respond. Then the fire had quickly become such a problem that they had begun to call in men who were off duty as well, like Sam, needing everyone available to stop the fire from spreading across the block.
The last thing hed heard was that they were still evacuating the last of the residents when the building had begun to collapse in on itself.
He prayed Dean had gotten out.
He couldnt imagine not seeing Deans face again, or not hearing his voice, even if all Dean did was tell him to get lost again. He understood now more than ever, why Dean had been trying to protect him from this, because he didnt know if he could stand this feeling much longer, this waiting, this fear.
And all he was doing was sitting on a sidewalk. He could barely begin to imagine what Dean must be going through, being the one who was actually in danger. And Castiel had just let him go, right into it, without knowing there might be something worth coming back to.
He swore if Dean came home alive, hed never let him go again.
God. Please.
A beat.
Maybe two.
Blinking stupidly at the sky in shock as the sound began to sink in - the distant roar of firetruck engines, returning to the station.
His heart leapt into his throat as he scrambled to his feet, thudding louder every second it took for the trucks to come closer, until finally the sound of the engines were so loud it drowned out the pounding in his ears.
Finally the trucks rounded the corner to the station, but it was just too dark to see anything as they drove past, and he had to wait the excruciating minutes longer for the trucks to park in their brightly lit garage before the brigade could dismount.
Sams was the first familiar figure he saw, barely recognizable with all the soot on his face and streaked all over his uniform. He felt a brief moment of relief at seeing the younger Winchester safe, but when Sam froze, finally looking up and seeing him waiting there, Castiels heart stopped for a second, fearing the worst.
Then Sam grinned.
And it was as if the world began to right itself with his smile, as in the next moment Dean emerged from the truck, and Castiel felt his heart start again.
Dean was favoring one of his legs as he moved, and was covered in black, but he was alive. And when he finally noticed Sam just standing there, grinning like an idiot, he finally raised his eyes, and saw Castiel.
Castiel started to rush forward, but suddenly remembered Dean might not want to talk to him at all, and had to stop himself. But then Dean began to shuffle forward, slowly at first, then surging towards him, dropping his gear on the ground as he reached up to catch Castiel in his arms.
All I could think about was getting home to you, Dean breathed into his neck, squeezing him tight. Dont take that job, Cas. Stay with me, I need you.
Im here, Dean. Im not going anywhere, Castiel murmured, stroking his fingers through Dean's hair in an attempt to sooth him, uncaring of the soot and ash he was getting all over himself.
I love you, Dean whispered, clutching him even tighter, and Castiel had to pull back then, just enough to be able to see Deans face, and saw nothing but utter certainty in Deans eyes.
Castiel smiled.
I know, he replied.
Dean blinked at him for a second, before his mouth began to twitch into a smile as well. Then Dean was laughing out loud, pulling him close once more and finally bringing their lips together in a kiss.
And the moment their lips met, a chorus of cheers went up around them, appreciative whistles and catcalls of Get a room, idjits! yelled out amongst the scattered applause.
Dean pulled back, regarding their forgotten audience with a scowl, before flipping them all the finger and dipping Castiel back into an even deeper, filthier kiss.
Castiel couldnt help but smile against Deans lips, laughter bubbling in his throat as Dean kissed him breathless. And by the time they finally came back up for air, their audience had long since given up and left them alone.
Cas? Dean reached up to Castiels face, cupping his cheeks and holding him there, gazing at him seriously for a moment. Im going to tell you I love you, every day from now on, you hear me?
Then Ill be there to hear it, every day, Castiel replied as he held Dean his arms, without any plans of letting go, for as long a time as they were given.
~ fin
Courage is grace under fire. -- Ernest Hemingway
~ EPILOGUE