an update for those that still have me friended
I haven't felt the need to post in a while. I still don't feel the need to post. What I do feel is a pressure to write. I went from writing something creative to writing nothing in a matter of days. And I miss it. I actually went back and read every entry in RAR on yahoo groups. And I remember thinking 'Wow. Even when we sucked, it was still creative.' I miss it, well not RAR, but I do miss writing. I miss writing with Alli, Leslie, DC, all the other people who made occasional appearances. I even miss writing with Lu. That's another story entirely.
So I find myself coming up on my 39th birthday and doing a lot of instrospective evaluations. And lately that's why I've been depressed I think. A lot has happened since I last posted on this thing. Some people will be surprised and others will think that I haven't changed at all. And quite frankly, I don't care what other's think. Well, I do to some extent, just depends on who "others" are.
Let's play catch up (and I forgot how to do an LJ TAG so it'll be long and uncut - sort of like how some people like their cocks. LOL)
So I haven't talked to Lu in almost 2 years now. I miss talking to him. I don't miss other things about him, but he was a good friend to me and I'm sorry that I can't have that with him now; sort of resembles all the other male relationships in my life past and present.
I do stay in touch with Allikins, she's about the only person I do stay in touch with from the old group. DC hears from me occassionally when I post a comment on his LJ. I talk to Cory and Drew when I bother to sign on to AIM. There's another change. I don't hang out on AIM all night anymore. World of Warcraft even bores me now, so I haven't been hanging out there either.
I had my 21 year class reunion a few weekends ago. That was fun, uninteresting, but fun. I did see a lot of people that I used to be good friends with in high school. No big deal, though.
I don't do karate anymore. As it turns out, the people that I put so much faith in turned out to be not so honest. (Not my friends Tom and Juanita, but the owners of the school). So I've done very little in the way of furthering my martial arts foundation. In fact, I've put on so much weight that it's embarrasing to even tell people that I did martial arts just over a year ago, let alone the fact that I have 2 black belts.
I did obtain a very good friend. And I think I'm about to be very unfair to him, so I may not talk to him for a while. And it's totally my fault. See, I think that I've let myself care for him as more than a friend. And I know for a fact, that he doesn't care about in the same way, cause he's told me that fact. Yep, I do this shit all the time. And for some reason it's a circle that I haven't been able to stop. So, I think before I go to NC to see Alli and Piper in a few weeks, I'm going to tell him that I can't talk to him anymore until I get this thing under control. My feelings or his lack of feeling for me the same way is starting to affect me negatively and I just won't do that anymore. I'm not going to let myself be hurt by yet another guy who has decided that he wants something/someone other than me ever again. I've done it too many times in my life and I'm not going to do it again.
Wow, I remember thinking that all I ever did on LJ was complain and whine and be emo. I'm too old for that shit. So here's some happy things:
Heather is living in San Antonio with Tom and Juanita and teaching karate.
Erica is going back to high school to get her diploma so that she can go to college eventually.
Joey, while not doing well in school, is at least helping more around the house. For a 16 yr old boy, in this day and age, I really don't have any problems with him.
My ex-husband got remarried in Sept. I really haven't heard from him since. Which is a blessing to me. However, I'm probably going to piss him off by moving to San Antonio in the next few years. I think that's going to hold off until Erica and Joey graduate from high school
My job sucks, which isn't a bad thing, just something that hasn't changed over the years.
What else? I still love Bon Jovi, I still adore Matchbox Twenty. I can still be my perky self when I'm happy, I'm just not that happy anymore. lol So I'm attempting to start doing things that used to make me happy. No, that does not include sitting on the computer until 2am chatting. I just have to find out what it was that used to make me happy. Martial arts did but I don't have the money to continue it just now. I may go back to school. I've been thinking aobut that for a while now. I just have to find something to study that I'm interested in. That's a big problem for me, being interested in something. I think I've taught myself that it doesn't pay to be interested in anything because it eventually gets taken away or changes into something that makes me uninterested.
So maybe I'll start posting in LJ again. Hopefully, it won't be all depressing and shit. I do have good days. LoL