FIC: ST RPS -- Turnabout Intruder in My Pants (6/7)
Title: Turnabout Intruder in My Pants (6/7)
Author: the_deep_magic
Pairing: Pinto
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,239
Warnings: crack, overused fandom trope, a bit o’ angst, rimming, SEX (FINALLY)
Disclaimer: so very, very untrue
Summary: bodyswap!fic
A/N: FINALLY. Also, for you continuity hounds, I changed the name of Zach’s understudy to the name of his real understudy, Eric Bryant, who is an excellent and underappreciated actor, and who fully deserves the credit in this cracked-out porn.
Monday / Tuesday / Wednesday / Thursday / Friday
Saturday
Chris stares at Zach.
Zach stares back at his own face, waiting.
And waiting.
Finally Chris says, “’It’s the judge… in his or her chambers, weighing, books open, pondering the evidence: good, evil, innocent, guilty… The judge… Fuck. The judge in the chamber of circumspection! Not the judge on the bench with the gavel. The shaping of a law, not its execution.’”
Zach fights the urge to scream and instead says, “The point, dear, the point.” He doesn’t have to fake the frustration.
Chris gnaws furiously on his - on Zach’s - lip and says, haltingly, “’That it should be the questions and… shape of a life…’ Line?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Chris.”
“Well, what the hell do you want from me?”
“I want you to get the goddamn lines right. And you missed ‘ranging freely over categories’ earlier. We’re not even to the end of Act One.”
“Well, what the hell do you expect, Zach?” Chris stands, raising his voice, and Zach wonders if he really looks that pathetic when he’s angry. Or possibly terrified. Or, most probably, some combination of the two. “I started learning these lines last night. The fact that I know this much is a fucking miracle.”
“So start praying for another fucking miracle. You have to have this perfect by Tuesday night.”
Chris’ jaw drops open, his voice rising in volume as he speaks. “How could you even think that’s possible? Even if I knew the lines, I don’t know the blocking, I don’t know my way around the set, I don’t know most of the crew’s names. What the fuck do you really think this is going to accomplish?”
“You have to,” Zach grits out, matching Chris’ volume. “This is my career, this is my fucking life you’re taking over, and you can’t fuck it up!”
“It’s too much, Zach! It’s too much for anyone,” Chris practically bellows. “I’m sorry, but I can’t be Louis, and I sure as hell can’t be you.”
“You don’t have a choice!”
That’s the closer, right there. Neither of them has a choice. Unless something suddenly changes between now and Tuesday, either Chris goes on stage as Louis, or Zach gives up the part to Eric. And since he can hardly take a weeks-long vacation while he teaches Chris what it took him months to learn, he gives Louis up for good.
Suddenly, Zach is tired - more tired than he can remember being in his life. All the fight drains out of him and he sits down hard on the bed, wanting to die. Selfish bastard, he thinks of himself. He hasn’t even been taking Chris’ life into account - Chris can’t just disappear to New York for weeks on end. It’s lucky enough that he has this much free time.
Zach’s realization of defeat is mirrored on his own face as Chris slowly comes to sit down beside him. This is how they’ve found they function best: seated beside each other, not looking at each other but facing forward, bodies close enough to touch.
“Zach, I don’t know what to say. If I could do this, if I thought there was any way at all I could pretend to be even a shadow of you up on stage, I’d do it. I know how much this means to you. But if I try and I fail, I promise you, I will fail spectacularly.”
And then he does something Zach never would have expected - he reaches over and takes Zach’s hand in his, and when Zach looks down, for a moment he can pretend that things are back how they should be, that it’s just his hand holding Chris’ hand, their fingers intertwined. And it’s a good feeling. He shuts his eyes, which are suddenly burning.
“I remembered the next line,” Chris says softly. “’That it should be the questions and shape of a life, its total complexity gathered, arranged, and considered, which matters in the end, not some stamp of salvation or damnation which dispenses all the complexity in some unsatisfying little decision - the balancing of the scales.’”
“It’s ‘disperses,’ not ‘dispenses,’ but Jesus,” Zach says, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “Kind of appropriate, don’t you think?”
“Why did this happen, Zach? Why us? Why now?”
Zach knows he’s not meant to have an answer. “I don’t know.” He laughs pitifully. “I think maybe we could have handled it during Trek, though.”
Chris laughs, and it’s a warm sound that actually makes Zach’s heart lift a little in his chest. “Oh god, could you imagine? Well, I wouldn’t tell Uhura that I luuuurv her vageen. Or I would, but I would do it in a better accent.”
Without letting go of Chris’ hand, Zach awkwardly elbows him. “Shut up. My accents are awesome. Shut up.”
“Well, maybe they are now that you have my talented tongue.”
Zach sighs. “No, it never would have worked, even during Trek. You’re too Kirk.”
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re just… you. Expressive and headstrong and good with the ladies.”
Chris snorts. “Not lately I’m not. And I don’t just mean since Monday.”
“Oh?”
“Wouldn’t expect you to understand. You’ve got half a dozen Codys lined up by the stage door every night.”
“Okay, point A, there is no stage door, I have to go in and out the front-”
“Ooh, low budget and hipster. I like it.”
“Shut up. And point B… you heard those messages. You think I want to do anything with Cody and his ilk other than make sure their mouths are occupied?” Zach reflects on what he just said. “God, that makes me sound like a crass bastard.”
Chris slouches down a little until he’s practically leaning on Zach’s shoulder and makes a little snorting sound. “And everybody thinks you’re this proper gentleman.”
“Hey, I make them breakfast after. That’s what all the granola bars are for.”
They both chuckle and fall into a strangely comfortable silence, now fully slumped against each other on the bed.
“I’m not that much of a manslut, I don’t think,” Zach finally says. “It’s just so hard to come back here alone after- well, you know, you’ve been trapped in here for a week. I don’t even have Noah to show up at the door with one of my shoes chewed all to hell.”
“Did you get to see them before Joe took you to the airport?”
Zach grins and drops his eyes. “Yeah. God, I miss the little bastards.”
When Zach looks up, Chris is looking at him, and Zach recognizes the expression on his own face: curiosity and… desire. Chris reaches up with the hand that isn’t twined with Zach’s and brushes his body’s face, thumb gently gliding up the cheekbone. “Do I really blush so easily?”
“Um, kind of,” Zach says, completely unsure what the protocol is here. “We both do, I think.”
Chris must catch the uncertainty in Zach’s eyes, because he pulls his hand away - but not very far. “Sorry, that must have been weird. I just keep getting this urge to touch you. Or maybe me. I don’t know. But this body is… drawn to my body.”
However badly he was blushing before, it’s ten times as bad now. “Yeah, um. I think maybe… whatever switched sees its old home and… wants it back.”
“So you do feel it, too.”
“I… yeah.” It’s true. It’s just not so strong that Zach can’t keep his hands off… himself. There’s an even more easily identifiable reason for Chris’ quandary, it’s just that Zach doesn’t want to have to say it out loud. But for fuck’s sake, the man’s in his body, it’s not like he’s-
And Zach’s train of thought is utterly cut off by a pair of warm, dry lips pressing against his own. He would’ve thought he’d be too stunned to react, but apparently Chris’ body - or his mouth, at least - is well-trained for this situation, because his eyes slam shut and he’s kissing back, moving unfamiliar lips against familiar, like kissing backwards. It’s… good.
But it’s not right, not until he tells Chris… He finally pulls his hand out of Chris’ and pushes him back gently. “Chris, it’s not just the… bodyswap thing.”
Zach knows the daze in Chris’ eyes very well - there’s not a whole lot of sharp thinking going on behind them just now. “Huh?”
“Remember when we were talking about how much of desire is stored in the body and how much is stored in the mind? Well, it’s obviously not all in the mind, because-”
“You want me.”
“I, um.” Zach pulls away until no part of him is touching Chris, and that feels even more wrong than the kiss. That Chris had been so matter of fact about it… “Yes. Thank you for cutting through the bullshit.”
Chris briefly cups a hand over his mouth, and for one horrible moment Zach is sure he’s covering up a sound of disgust, but all that comes out is a gentle laugh. “Hey, you ever read Cracked?”
Okay, that gets Zach’s attention. He looks up. “What?”
“The website. I did a 30-second bit in a short film for them once, a friend of a friend thing. Pretty funny site. Anyway, they have this whole thing about if you ever met a clone of yourself, you would have to either fight or fuck.”
Right. Okay. “What?”
“Well, I mean, it’s not completely applicable, since we just switched bodies - we still have two different minds, two different sets of opinions and accumulations of knowledge. But the basic principle is the same. You either want to see if you can physically best yourself in a fight… or you know all the things that get you hot and get you off.”
“You’re… insane,” Zach says, not believing his own (well, Chris’) ears. “How did I not know that all this time?”
Chris just laughs again, but it’s not a manic laugh. “I think we already figured out who would win in a fight.”
“Gravity.”
“Exactly.”
“So, on the basis of my physical attraction to you and a comedy website you read one time, you think we should…”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
It’s said lightly, and Zach can’t believe what he’s hearing. “I repeat: insane.”
“Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that,” Chris says, but he’s moving forward slowly into Zach’s space… and Zach can’t seem to move away. “But right now, it’s what I want.” He leans in again to press a kiss to Zach’s mouth, this time with a hand cupped behind Zach’s neck. “And what if it’s the thing that switches us back?”
It should be absurd. Zach should be laughing. Except he’s not - Chris’ body is responding to the kisses, quite eagerly in fact. The only thing Zach’s mind has snagged on is the “right now.” Right now, it’s what Chris in Zach’s body wants. Odds are good that, when they switch back, Chris goes right back to being straight and Zach goes right back to denying he’s half in love with Chris. He has to pull away again.
“Why would that switch us back?”
Chris bites his lips and shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s just… something about it seems to make sense, you know? Two bodies getting as close as they possibly can, trying to occupy the same space. I kind of almost felt it when we, y’know, literally collided earlier. Fusion, Zach. From where I’m sitting, it seems like our best shot.”
As pick-up lines go, “it seems like our best shot” is objectively terrible, but if there’s a chance he can get his body back, his life and his career and Louis back… and he just happens to get to fuck Chris in the process… Can he say no to that?
All signs point to no, because Chris is kissing him again and Zach is absolutely sinking into the warmth of his body. He can’t believe Chris is initiating this. In all of his wildest dreams… well, okay, in about a third of his wildest dreams this is possible, but right now Zach is tilting his head to get what is technically Chris’ tongue deeper into his own mouth, so fuck possible. This is happening.
He’s not sure which of them falls back to the bed first, but their legs are twined and hands are gripping into fabric to pull close as soon as they get there. For a moment, Chris gains the upper hand, pressing Zach down into the bed and running his tongue teasingly over Zach’s top lip and fuck, does that turn him on.
Of course. Of course it turns him on, because Chris knows what his own body likes. Sure Chris had said the same thing not five minutes ago, but Zach’s always been a bit of a kinesthetic learner. He fists his hand in the front of Chris’ shirt and gives a sharp tug, pulling their bodies even closer, and just as he expects, it draws a surprised, aroused grunt out of Chris and a thrust against Zach’s thigh. Zach has trouble admitting it, but he does love being manhandled at times.
This time it’s Chris who pulls away, gasping. “So, uh, I think I’m going to have to defer to your expertise here. How do you want to do this?”
Oh, god, there are so many ways Zach could answer that question. But if he’s got one shot with Chris, he knows what he wants. “Do you trust me?” he asks.
Chris’ eyes narrow a little with concern. “That’s not really a question I want to hear in bed.”
“No, seriously,” Zach says, pushing up on one elbow. “I know this…” He reaches out and strokes a hand down his own side, surprised at the heat of the skin beneath the fabric. “…this body. I know how to make it feel good. And I want you to let me fuck you.”
Chris’ eyes go wide, and Zach guesses this is what he looks like when he’s struggling to act casual. “You bottom? Because I got the distinct impression…”
“With the Codys of the world, yeah, I usually top. But I really, really like to get fucked by someone who knows how to do it right. And Chris…” He hasn’t got Chris’ angelic smile down yet, but he does have his own wicked grin to fall back on, which must look positively sinful on Chris’ face. “I know how to do it right.”
“I, uh,” Chris says, his mouth opening and shutting, and Zach almost gives him an out. But then Chris says, “Sure, what the hell. I mean, you’re only Zach once, right?”
“God, let’s hope so.” He takes his own face between his hands and leans down to kiss his lips lightly. Now that he’s gotten into the idea of this, it seems right. “Hey, this is gonna be good. Like, ‘fuck us back into the right bodies’ good. And if it’s too weird, you can always pull the emergency brake, right?”
“Do I need, like, a safe word?”
Zach somehow manages not to laugh. “I think ‘Zach, stop it’ will work just fine.”
“Yeah,” Chris says, seeming to gain confidence. “Alright, yeah. Should we, uh… naked?”
“Yeah, I’m thinking this is gonna be the awkward part,” Zach says, planting a final kiss on his own lips.
Without discussing it, they turn their backs and scoot to opposite sides of the bed to undress. As he shimmies out of Chris’ jeans and underwear, Zach looks down and blushes. “Hey, Chris?”
“Yeah?”
“Would it be weird if I said I liked your cock? It’s just… kind of gorgeous to look at. I also may have… groomed the surroundings a bit.”
He hears a hearty laugh from behind him. “Zach, we are so far beyond weird now that I’m just going to say ‘thank you’ and leave it at that. I mean, you’re the cock expert, right?”
“Well, I did major in musical theatre. So, yes. And this is among the best cocks I have ever seen. Definitely in the top two I have ever test driven.”
“Okay, I just had a moment of how insane this is,” Chris laughs, and Zach chances a quick look back over his shoulder. Chris is naked now, but still facing away. Zach’s doing the same, both of them delaying the supremely awkward moment to come.
“Chris,” Zach says, trying to sound a little authoritative. He is the Cock Authority in the room, after all. “Get yourself hard.”
“O-okay,” Chris says, and Zach hears him spit into his palm. “Any particular reason?”
“I’m doing the same. I just have a feeling we don’t want to turn around and see ourselves… droopy, is all.”
Chris laughs again, and it does good things for the erection swelling in Zach’s hand. “Tell you what,” Chris says, “I’m just going to go ahead and get on the bed. I’m guessing face down is probably good?”
“God, yes. For so many reasons.”
“Okay, I’ll do that, and you get the stuff we need. I’m assuming you have it. In large quantities.”
“You should know. If you want large quantities, check the contents of your left hand.”
“Ha fucking ha, Quinto,” Chris snorts, and Zach hears him start to climb up on the bed. Yeah, this is so much easier when they don’t take it seriously.
Zach quickly goes to his nightstand, pulls out the condoms and the really good, expensive lube. Nothing’s too good for his own ass, after all. Without looking up, he says, “Lie face down, put a pillow under your hips, and hike one of your legs up.”
“You’re gonna… I mean, you’re not just gonna…”
“Relax, princess, I’m going to get you nice and ready first.” Zach takes a deep breath and turns to face the bed, not quite as freaked out by the sight of his own body stretched out on the bed as he thought. He’s fucked guys with his own build before. Chris has his face is turned the other way, and it’s just a body. A lean, well-toned body containing a man he really, really wants and finally gets to have. Nothing weird about that. Just good.
“Comfortable?” Zach asks as he settles in between Chris’ spread legs.
“Yeah, not too b-HNNNNNNGH THE FUCK, ZACH?”
Zach removes his mouth from between Chris’ butt cheeks to answer, “I said I was gonna get you ready.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t - god, fuck. God. God. Za-ach!”
Zach takes the fact that Chris is already confusing him with a deity as a sign that he’s doing the right thing. When he plunges his tongue in, he hears an honest-to-god squeak from further up the bed, and he’s sure he’s never made that sound before in his life. Poor, deprived Chris - from the sounds and non-words he’s making, if he’s ever had this done to him before, he certainly hasn’t had it done this well.
He has to stop when Chris is squirming so hard he’s a little worried he might break his nose. Plus, he has a feeling Chris isn’t going to ask him to stop any time soon. Or ever. Zach stretches his jaw and goes for the lube. “You ever had fingers in you, Pine?”
“Yeah. I had this girlfriend once who-”
“Didn’t ask for details.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“I just don’t particularly want to hear about your girlfriends at the moment,” Zach says, a little snappish.
“Look, Zach,” Chris says, and he turns his head, which gets Zach to pause with his dripping fingers halfway to Chris’ hole, because yeah, it’s his own face staring at him. “I want this. Like, a lot. But I’ve never done it before, and I’m trusting you one hell of a lot to let you do this to me. Do you get that?”
Chastened, Zach nods. “Got it. Now could you please turn back around? I want this, too, but there’s only so much… surreality I can handle.”
Chris chuckles as he gets back into position. “I hear that, man.”
Zach knows his body can probably take two fingers right away, but it’s been a while and he doesn’t want to scare Chris off, so he starts with one, circling the tight hole before pushing in. Chris makes an unidentifiable groaning noise, but he seems to know to push out, so this girlfriend of his must have been pretty thorough. In no time at all, Zach is fucking Chris on two fingers, just about ready for three, when he decides to show off a little and crook his fingers in just the right spot.
“Ho-OH shit!” Chris cries out. “What the fuck, Zach? Was that your prostate?”
“Yup.”
“Because mine is… nice. But it doesn’t do tha-haaaat.”
Zach rubs the bundle of nerves indulgently at an angle he can never quite reach himself. He’s always had to be dependent on toys or lovers, but this, this is just plain fun. He has Chris wriggling and gasping in minutes, begging for another finger.
“C’mon, Zach, quit dicking around and fuck me,” Chris gasps, and Zach can hardly say no to that. He looks down at his cock, hard and even a little wet at the tip from his enjoyment of all Chris’ squirming. Fuck, his body hasn’t taken anything this thick in a while, but Chris sure as hell sounds ready, so Zach rolls on a condom and lubes up as quick as he can.
“Just get in me, you fucking tease!” are the last words Chris manages to get out before Zach is shoving his thighs wide, spreading his hole open with one hand and guiding his dick in with the other. Fuck, it’s a tight fit, and he pauses with just the head in so both of them can catch their breath.
And Chris is one seriously loud motherfucker, groaning in bliss and pain as he stretches around his own cock. But it’s not long before he’s demanding more: “In me, Zach. More. Closer.”
Zach knows exactly what he means, pushing in slowly until he’s flush against Chris’ hips, and he drapes himself over Chris’ back. This is it; they’re as close as two people can get, Zach buried to the hilt in his own body, and it feels more right than anything that’s happened since Monday. And Chris must feel it, too, because he’s wailing into the pillow, a steady stream of yes yes fuck yes please, and when Zach closes his eyes, it’s like he’s hearing Chris’ voice instead of his own, and they’re back in their own bodies, just two guys fucking because they’re too hot for each other to do anything else.
But of course it’s not true - not yet, at least, Zach tells himself - and he has to keep going, to lift up on his arms and pull back to thrust. He has to admit to experiencing Chris’ narcissistic fantasy of wanting to know just how well he can fuck himself, and all evidence seems to point to pretty damn well. He fucks down into the body beneath him, hitting the sweet spot dead on and making Chris gasp out obscenities and yank the sheets so hard they come loose from the corners of the bed.
Zach is so focused on Chris that he forgets his own pleasure until Chris shoves his hips up in the air and clenches, trying to get Zach’s attention and a hand beneath his body to stroke himself. Zach grunts at the unexpected surge of pleasure and yanks Chris’ hips up, sacrificing the perfect angle to be able to pump Chris’ cock with one hand while he fucks hard into his body.
Chris gives up on trying to stroke himself, just braces his hands on the mattress and lets himself be fucked and jerked until he’s spattering the sheets with precum, seconds away from blowing. He still needs a little something to push him over the edge, and completely without shame, Zach brings his other hand down hard against the ass he’s fucking and Chris loses it, shooting with a near-howl that Zach is pretty sure shakes the walls.
He’s still quaking with it, clenching around the cock inside him when Zach can’t hold back any longer and shudders hard into climax, groaning Chris’ name as he comes. He keeps rocking into the body beneath him until he can’t stand it anymore and has to pull out, drawing pained cries from both of them.
Beneath him, Chris draws shakily up on hands and knees to remove the soiled pillow while Zach gets rid of the condom. By the time he’s back, Chris is lying on his side on the bed, facing away from Zach but reaching a hand back, which Zach takes as a wordless request to be the big spoon. He’s correct about that - once he’s curled around Chris’ back once more, that feeling of rightness returns, of wrapping his own body as well as Chris’ being tightly in his arms.
They don’t speak; hearing each other’s voices would ruin the moment, and there’s nothing to say, anyway. Zach rests his forehead against the back of Chris’ neck, and when he closes his eyes, he can smell both of them mingled together, the way it should be. As he drifts off to sleep, he has the fleeting thought that when they switch back, he is gonna be some kind of sore in the morning.
A/N II: If you’re interested, the Cracked website Chris mentions can be found here. Yes, it’s A Thing.