(no subject)
Well, I'm here again. I am missing school (well, clinic) today because I am still sick. So much is wrong with me lately. My work/ school schedule is killing me slowly. Fortunately my school will be over in a couple weeks. I have to go in tomorrow and talk to the placement coordinator because there's a spa in Berkeley that's hiring and one of my teachers referred me. Pretty cool. But still, so sick. Four days of the week are 12 hours long. On the others, I clean, do laundry, work, learn and try to rest. So if there is anybody still reading this...I'm sorry if i haven't been around. I mean no slight to anyone. I am just so fucking busy that I barely have time to do this kind of thing, let alone actually, physically hang out with any of you. But soon, soon, I will be out of school. And then...who knows? I don't think I want to do any more schooling until I pay off the loans I have right now. I don't know what I want to do with my future, really. I just know that the next step pays better than the step that I'm on right now, and I hope that at some point my life will level off so that I can work a job that doesn't just consume all of my time and provide nothing really rewarding or lasting. Not to say that I don't care for the people I work with, I'm just a self-aware cog in an increasingly indifferent machine. I want out.
I've been thinking lately about the nature of my craziness. Not like I don't have plenty of that on here, I'm sure, but now, at the age of almost 23, I think my perspective is more mature and more relevant than perhaps it has been in the past. I feel that the mood swings that I have always had and spent most of my life dealing with are easier to deal with. It's funny to think of, but having removed myself from the social set and general scene that I used to be a part of, I think I have become more aware of myself. I don't think that my problem is with the people, but more with the expectations that the people had of me. I think that I set myself up to get lost, I never had any clear goals for my life and spent a lot of time fucking around because I felt I was too dysfunctional to accomplish anything real. I was afraid of committing to anything, be it a man, a career, a cable subscription. Honestly I've spent so much of my life not really knowing where the next day would take me that re-tracing my path at this point is damn near impossible. And it's all because I never trusted myself to see things through. I think that I tried to place myself with other people, to categorise my emotions in relation to the friends I had (who are , of course, all buttfucking crazy, and don't y'all deny it). I made the mistake of assuming that if I knew enough people, that somebody I would meet would be enough like me that we could compare notes on fun home remedies for insomnia and self-destructive rage and help one another make sense of the world. This, of course, made me plenty of interesting friends, a few mistakes, and makes about as much sense as an ill-conceived reality show. But in all of the bullshit that I have gone slogging through over the last several years, I think I have accidentally stumbled on many of the things I never though I would find, or to be honest, thought I was incapable and undeserving of finding. The real mindfuck that hits me over and over again is how unlikely I thought any of this would be, just a couple of years ago. In reading back through this journal, the last entries were really fucked up. I'm kind of sickened that I thought it was a good idea at one point to trust the internet with things that were so personal, even on the most locked of private settings. And how surprised was I to look back at that, and remember that wrenching nausea that would wake me up in the middle of the night and keep me up for days at a time, the feeling that I would be friendly to many but ultimately loving and loved by none because of these nonspecific inadequacies, this constant feeling of being disconnected from everything around me. Ultimate Taking A Shower In A Raincoat Syndrome.
Having said that, and knowing how unlikely it is that anyone will finish reading this, much less provide feedback for it, I think that the best thing to do is let this weird and rambling statement come to an end and go do something more productive. I think I'm a grownup now.
I've been thinking lately about the nature of my craziness. Not like I don't have plenty of that on here, I'm sure, but now, at the age of almost 23, I think my perspective is more mature and more relevant than perhaps it has been in the past. I feel that the mood swings that I have always had and spent most of my life dealing with are easier to deal with. It's funny to think of, but having removed myself from the social set and general scene that I used to be a part of, I think I have become more aware of myself. I don't think that my problem is with the people, but more with the expectations that the people had of me. I think that I set myself up to get lost, I never had any clear goals for my life and spent a lot of time fucking around because I felt I was too dysfunctional to accomplish anything real. I was afraid of committing to anything, be it a man, a career, a cable subscription. Honestly I've spent so much of my life not really knowing where the next day would take me that re-tracing my path at this point is damn near impossible. And it's all because I never trusted myself to see things through. I think that I tried to place myself with other people, to categorise my emotions in relation to the friends I had (who are , of course, all buttfucking crazy, and don't y'all deny it). I made the mistake of assuming that if I knew enough people, that somebody I would meet would be enough like me that we could compare notes on fun home remedies for insomnia and self-destructive rage and help one another make sense of the world. This, of course, made me plenty of interesting friends, a few mistakes, and makes about as much sense as an ill-conceived reality show. But in all of the bullshit that I have gone slogging through over the last several years, I think I have accidentally stumbled on many of the things I never though I would find, or to be honest, thought I was incapable and undeserving of finding. The real mindfuck that hits me over and over again is how unlikely I thought any of this would be, just a couple of years ago. In reading back through this journal, the last entries were really fucked up. I'm kind of sickened that I thought it was a good idea at one point to trust the internet with things that were so personal, even on the most locked of private settings. And how surprised was I to look back at that, and remember that wrenching nausea that would wake me up in the middle of the night and keep me up for days at a time, the feeling that I would be friendly to many but ultimately loving and loved by none because of these nonspecific inadequacies, this constant feeling of being disconnected from everything around me. Ultimate Taking A Shower In A Raincoat Syndrome.
Having said that, and knowing how unlikely it is that anyone will finish reading this, much less provide feedback for it, I think that the best thing to do is let this weird and rambling statement come to an end and go do something more productive. I think I'm a grownup now.