Challenge: Out of Bounds

[clear_color]

The phone was ringing and Nick couldn’t wait for his Ma to answer. It had been long - too long! - since they’d last spoken. He plucked at his dog tags in anticipation.

He heard someone pick up, and then the familiar voice, “ Hello?”

“ Ma!” Nick exclaimed into the receiver.

“ Oh!” Nick could hear that she was close to tears, “ They told me

Comments

Re: LOVE!

[clear_color]

Thanks for the constructive criticism. It's based on a much shorter, vaguer story my husband told me, he's a Marine. I was in the US Army. I sort of wrote it the way I always felt calling home from the Army... our family WERE flat characters in many ways because it was just a voice in a receiver on the phone.

I like stories that are based on dialogue - like the story by Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants".

Also my writing style is known to go into a rambling, long sentence like the last paragraph to express confusion, mish-mash of thoughts and feelings, and an overwhelming explosion of things to our senses. Dave Eggers writes like that and many others do too. Everything doesn't have to be a neat paragraph to make it a good story. Sentences in my stories bleed together, things ramble and unravel, I bend the rules of formatting, all to manipulate the emotion of a reader.

I guess what I'm saying is, that's just my style and it's based on my life, impressions from the military, etc. I guess if I were to edit my story the way you mentioned I'd be changing my style, which has evolved over years.

Thanks once again for the kind words.

Addendum to my post

[thefaeway]

...

Of course everything I said is moot if it was your intention. ;)

I think I will take a second look at this and read it from the perspective you mentioned. It may yet not strike me but as a whole it's still a wonderful piece.