Sep 12, 2004 23:42
With the knowledge that they are there, and if I give myself permission to use the drugs if I really really want to, can I make a good-faith effort to stay away from them for at least a little while? Just a little time for my insides to heal?
I'd sort of like to make a deal with myself. Seems like a deal with the devil. I want to give myself permission to cut a little bit if I agree to stay away from the drugs. But that seems somehow...wrong. It seems like the wrong way to deal with the fact that there's something I try to get from drugs that I only get properly from cutting. I'm wondering, though, if maybe I stayed away from the drugs, I wouldn't feel as much of a need to cut. I think the drugs make me want to cut more because I only get sort of a half-assed version of what I really want. But actually giving myself permission to cut if I don't do drugs...that just seems insane. It seems even stupider and more doomed to failure than giving myself permission to do drugs if I don't cut. Why can't I just fucking exercise instead, if what I want is fatigue and endorphins?
My night-time eyes are filled with visions of discreet places on my body where I could give a flick with the tissue knife and see a lovely little red. I want to mark my chest again, but I have promised myself that I will not do that until I see how the square from the other night heals. Just in case it's too...whatever. Vitamin E ointment is the order of the day.
I fear the fact that my scars are becoming beautiful to me again.