(no subject)
Well... I kind of was broken up with by my girlfriend of three years yesterday... I was going to call her on the weekend to do it, but I guess she decided she'd had enough first.
It's difficult. I still love her, even if what she was saying makes sense. She's tied to her family and she won't let go - she can't come up here and I wouldn't go down because of the crap her mother pulled on me last time... she dragged Li to the beach on the day I was scheduled to leave. Li couldn't tell her 'no.'
I mean, I have to look out for myself, right? If she can't give me what I need, I need to move on anyway... it's just hard to understand that right now. I just feel so totally alone... it's painful. I kept putting off dealing with things because *I* didn't want to have to deal with this, kept giving her a chance and hoping things would change, but... they never did. I don't think she truly understands what she needs to do, and she might not for a long time.
It doesn't help that she did it over IM... I mean, I understand it depersonalizes it so it's easier to deal with, but, I mean, I promised her I would never do that. Why couldn't she? A few words on a screen is no way to end three years with someone you loved.
So yeah. Here I am. Alone. It's a scary thought... I feel so utterly naked and frightened it's hard to put it into words. Eventually the pain will dull, but it's hard to imagine that time right now. It's hard to think or do anything right now.
I hope someone reads this and talks to me. I need that right now.
I hope she reads this and at least understands, but that might be wishing for too much.
It's difficult. I still love her, even if what she was saying makes sense. She's tied to her family and she won't let go - she can't come up here and I wouldn't go down because of the crap her mother pulled on me last time... she dragged Li to the beach on the day I was scheduled to leave. Li couldn't tell her 'no.'
I mean, I have to look out for myself, right? If she can't give me what I need, I need to move on anyway... it's just hard to understand that right now. I just feel so totally alone... it's painful. I kept putting off dealing with things because *I* didn't want to have to deal with this, kept giving her a chance and hoping things would change, but... they never did. I don't think she truly understands what she needs to do, and she might not for a long time.
It doesn't help that she did it over IM... I mean, I understand it depersonalizes it so it's easier to deal with, but, I mean, I promised her I would never do that. Why couldn't she? A few words on a screen is no way to end three years with someone you loved.
So yeah. Here I am. Alone. It's a scary thought... I feel so utterly naked and frightened it's hard to put it into words. Eventually the pain will dull, but it's hard to imagine that time right now. It's hard to think or do anything right now.
I hope someone reads this and talks to me. I need that right now.
I hope she reads this and at least understands, but that might be wishing for too much.