Fri, 08:17: #Aries: Political statistics may become important for you today, but the mystics will not be clear as to how.
Fri, 08:17: #Taurus: A hard life will get harder for you this week as you start drinking heavily.
Fri, 08:17: #Gemini: Heavy drinking can lead to a certain number of social problems.
Fri, 08:17: #Cancer: Please remember today that most of your god-like powers have been taken from you in order to make you a better demi-god.
Fri, 08:18: #Leo: This horoscope may destruct in 10 seconds.
Fri, 08:18: #Virgo: You do look remarkably fetching today, and I'd like to offer you a fish supper.
Fri, 08:18: #Libra: Any jamborees you attend today are likely to be fun-filled as well as informative.
Fri, 08:18: #Scorpio: Think of a number. Now times that number by 18. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella".
Fri, 08:18: #Sagittarius: Rumor has it that hot dogs might be 90% snout, but you, sir, are 100% ass.
Fri, 08:18: #Capricorn: Many of your charms will leave you today, and you will be left feeling hollow and dumb.
Fri, 08:19: #Aquarius: Nice and butch is how you like it, but you might want to play it down in certain circumstances.
Fri, 08:19: #Pisces: Parts of you are pleased that you are to become single once again. Mostly the groinal parts.