...
I'm coming to terms with myself as of late.
I feel that deep down, I am an embodiment of hate.
From what Adrianne told me the other night about what my dream meant.
And when Ken offhandedly said today "Dude... Metal is hate". That rang in my head for a while... probably because it's all I've listened to for a while now. I can't stand anything else.
I am almost literally consumed by anger and hate.
I want to destroy humanity.
Maybe not humanity entirely, but I'd love to kill human nature. Break it down, and rebuild it how I see fit.
I want to become God.
I feel like I've hit a roadblock. Mentally at least. It's like nothing interests me anymore. It seems like I can't get excited or interested about anything anymore. How sad is that? 18 years old and I feel like a bitter old man whos been there, done that. I used to have my computer, the machine and equipment I busted my ass for months for. I used to just blow more money into it every month to temporarily become interested again, but lately I've realized how financially irresponsible it is and have weened myself off. So now I just sit around on the internet with it... reading news sites and forums... wishing there was some machine I could kill people with through the internet. I used to be interested in cars a lot, and wanted to become a mechanic. Then that idea just went away. Then it was computer programming. Then that went away. It feels like every asperation and interest in me has died or will die. I used to cycle through hobbies and interests, and now I have none, and can't find a replacement no matter how hard it seems I try.
I don't have any real hobbies. I don't have many friends or a social life. I still don't have any motivation to get into school. I just goto work, come home, and sit around.
The scary thing is, I feel happy a lot of the time. Or at least you know, content to a point. But deep down I'm starting to acknowledge how twisted I am.
I need a solution. I need to feel like I can do something worthwhile with my life.
I've been listening to some random music lately, and thinking about how pretty much every musician ever, and every piece of "good" music was drug influenced. Now, personally I've never been into drugs, and have always looked down on users. But maybe they are onto something... maybe it is mind expanding. Maybe it does remove that barrier. Then again, maybe not. But I seem to look down on and get worked up about a lot of aspects of life that seem to work for everyone else. Are they really sheep? Am I really right? Deep down, since I was a kid I've always shunned. Maybe it was the way I was raised. As I've grown I've recognized how defeatist my parents are... how unsupportive they were about accomplishing things, or doing anything every other member of humanity seemed to embrace or support.
Maybe I'm so hateful because of how I was treated when I was younger.
I've felt like I was always more mature than a lot of people I've hung around. My age, at least. I've always been comfortable with people 5-10 years older than me. I really can't stand my generation. I'm serious, you people fucking disgust me. My mom once told me that people put through experiences like I've had, and people that have to spend a lot of time in hospitals as a kid are pretty much "forced" to grow up quicker. I wonder if thats true. I wonder if thats why its felt like I've rarely ever connected with anyone my age.
I wonder if my stances on anything are right. I wonder if any of the things I despise and hate... if they changed, how different it would really be. And if it would be for the better...
Am I right? Am I wrong? Will I ever find out? Is this just normal growing up bullshit? Am I going to climb out of this hole?
I know I'm not a bad person. I do care about some people, and usually go out of my way to be nice and not stir shit up and all that jazz. I just have a lot of problems...
I wish I could do something productive with all the anger, hate, heartbreak, misery, and every other negative emotion I've experienced and been consumed by in my lifetime... I wonder where I'd be. I wonder how much different my life would be if I actually cared about school from the start. If I wasn't medically cursed. If I socially developed "correctly".
Hmm...
I feel that deep down, I am an embodiment of hate.
From what Adrianne told me the other night about what my dream meant.
And when Ken offhandedly said today "Dude... Metal is hate". That rang in my head for a while... probably because it's all I've listened to for a while now. I can't stand anything else.
I am almost literally consumed by anger and hate.
I want to destroy humanity.
Maybe not humanity entirely, but I'd love to kill human nature. Break it down, and rebuild it how I see fit.
I want to become God.
I feel like I've hit a roadblock. Mentally at least. It's like nothing interests me anymore. It seems like I can't get excited or interested about anything anymore. How sad is that? 18 years old and I feel like a bitter old man whos been there, done that. I used to have my computer, the machine and equipment I busted my ass for months for. I used to just blow more money into it every month to temporarily become interested again, but lately I've realized how financially irresponsible it is and have weened myself off. So now I just sit around on the internet with it... reading news sites and forums... wishing there was some machine I could kill people with through the internet. I used to be interested in cars a lot, and wanted to become a mechanic. Then that idea just went away. Then it was computer programming. Then that went away. It feels like every asperation and interest in me has died or will die. I used to cycle through hobbies and interests, and now I have none, and can't find a replacement no matter how hard it seems I try.
I don't have any real hobbies. I don't have many friends or a social life. I still don't have any motivation to get into school. I just goto work, come home, and sit around.
The scary thing is, I feel happy a lot of the time. Or at least you know, content to a point. But deep down I'm starting to acknowledge how twisted I am.
I need a solution. I need to feel like I can do something worthwhile with my life.
I've been listening to some random music lately, and thinking about how pretty much every musician ever, and every piece of "good" music was drug influenced. Now, personally I've never been into drugs, and have always looked down on users. But maybe they are onto something... maybe it is mind expanding. Maybe it does remove that barrier. Then again, maybe not. But I seem to look down on and get worked up about a lot of aspects of life that seem to work for everyone else. Are they really sheep? Am I really right? Deep down, since I was a kid I've always shunned. Maybe it was the way I was raised. As I've grown I've recognized how defeatist my parents are... how unsupportive they were about accomplishing things, or doing anything every other member of humanity seemed to embrace or support.
Maybe I'm so hateful because of how I was treated when I was younger.
I've felt like I was always more mature than a lot of people I've hung around. My age, at least. I've always been comfortable with people 5-10 years older than me. I really can't stand my generation. I'm serious, you people fucking disgust me. My mom once told me that people put through experiences like I've had, and people that have to spend a lot of time in hospitals as a kid are pretty much "forced" to grow up quicker. I wonder if thats true. I wonder if thats why its felt like I've rarely ever connected with anyone my age.
I wonder if my stances on anything are right. I wonder if any of the things I despise and hate... if they changed, how different it would really be. And if it would be for the better...
Am I right? Am I wrong? Will I ever find out? Is this just normal growing up bullshit? Am I going to climb out of this hole?
I know I'm not a bad person. I do care about some people, and usually go out of my way to be nice and not stir shit up and all that jazz. I just have a lot of problems...
I wish I could do something productive with all the anger, hate, heartbreak, misery, and every other negative emotion I've experienced and been consumed by in my lifetime... I wonder where I'd be. I wonder how much different my life would be if I actually cared about school from the start. If I wasn't medically cursed. If I socially developed "correctly".
Hmm...