Making sense - part two
Making Sense part one is here.
Making Sense
Part Two
After his lunch with Teyla, Rodney returned to the lab and spent the remainder of the day working on the device. He wasn't at all sure what to make of her comments, so put them firmly out of his mind and threw all his mental energies into his work. He was certain that they were very close to getting the device operational again and so, when the lab started clearing out for the day, Rodney chose to remain at his desk and keep working. With SGA-1 due to begin off-world missions the following afternoon, he was determined to get the project competed if he possibly could.
“Are you certain you do not want to wait for tomorrow, Rodney?” Radek asked, his voice pulling Rodney from the finishing touches he was putting to his team's re-coding efforts. “I am sure we will be ready to activate the device by tomorrow afternoon.”
Frowning automatically at the interruption, Rodney shook his head as he glanced over at Radek. “Yes, and while that may very well be the case, I am equally sure I can get it activated tonight. I'm just about finished with the coding and all that leaves is re-booting the power supply and seeing what we've got.” With that, he returned his attention to his laptop.
“Ah,” Radek said. “You... want me to stay then?”
Rodney could hear Radek shift uncomfortably on his feet as he continued to work and huffed in frustration. “What is it?” he demanded as he looked up again. “If you don't want to stay, then don't stay. I am perfectly capable of handling this on my own. Genius here, remember?”
Radek had the grace to look a bit embarrassed, but Rodney had the feeling that there was something more to the slight blush staining his cheeks. With a flash of inspiration, he felt a grin spread over his face. “You have plans!” he crowed, delighted to see Radek's blush deepen still further. “Radek, you dog! Who is she?”
Radek ran a distracted hand through his hair and then pulled off his glasses, polishing them on his shirt with unsteady hands. “Well, I... It is not really a date...” he stuttered.
“Of course it's a date,” Rodney said firmly. “Come on, out with it! Who?”
“Well, Amanda Grant,” Radek admitted at last as he pushed his freshly polished glasses back up his nose. “She is newly arrived in the xeno-biology department.”
Still grinning, Rodney nodded, the name bringing vague images of a slim woman with red hair. “Well, go on then,” he said, shooing Radek away with quick flicks of his hands. “You need to get ready and... I don't know... do something with your hair.”
Radek raised a hand and hurriedly flattened down his hair. “If you are sure-”
“I am,” Rodney interrupted. “Go.”
Radek nodded in thanks and turned to leave, but turned back to Rodney after he'd taken only a few steps. “And what about you, Rodney?” he asked. “You are still seeing Dr. Keller, are you not? Perhaps you should go and spend some time with her instead of working all night.”
Rodney brushed off the suggestion without thought. “No, no, I'm so close - this is more important. I'm back to missions tomorrow and I know John'll want to me to have this finished before we go off-world. Besides which,” he added. “I saw Jennifer at lunch today.”
“Oh,” Radek replied, sounding slightly surprised. “Okay then. Good night, Rodney.”
Rodney waved him off, his eyes already back on his screen. But he looked up again when he heard Radek pause again as the lab's doors hissed open.
“Oh, good evening, Colonel,” Radek said as he left.
“Night, Radek,” came John's easy reply. “Hey, Rodney. Where's Radek off to in such a hurry?”
Slightly off-balanced by John's sudden and unexpected appearance, Rodney found himself distracted. He let his eyes drift up and down John's body for a moment, taking in his still slightly pale complexion and the long, strong length of his body in his black BDUs - which, thankfully, appeared to be undamaged by whatever torture he'd been inflicting upon the unsuspecting marines that day. “What?” he replied at last, conscious of the odd look John was shooting him. “Oh, he has a date.”
John ambled over to Rodney's desk. “Really?” he said, lifting an eyebrow.
Rodney shrugged. “Yes - with that red-headed biologist... um... Melanie or Melissa or something...”
“Amanda,” John corrected with a nod. “Good for him.”
Rodney snorted in amusement. “Trust you to know her name.”
John shrugged. “What can I say; it's a gift. So what are you up to here?”
Rodney gestured towards the device, still sitting on its testing table. “Trying to finish this off before tomorrow.”
“Really?” John said, his eyes lighting up. “Cool. You got any idea what it does yet?”
That had Rodney frowning. “Not as such,” he was forced to admit. “Radek's team have only just finished rebuilding it, but now that that's done and I've got the code pretty near finished, we can soon find out.”
“You finishing up here tonight, then?” John asked. “You don't have any plans?”
“Plans? No,” Rodney replied, wondering what on Earth John was going on about.
“Oh, great,” John said, looking positively perky. He hoisted himself up on the testing table next to the device. “Thought you might be... you know... busy.”
“What are you talking about?” Rodney snapped, reaching out to pull the device safely away from John - you never knew, with his gene, whether or not Ancient devices would take it into their heads to go all crazy in his presence. “I am busy.”
John smiled at him, somewhat sappily Rodney thought, though he couldn't imagine why, and said, “Of course, you are, Rodney. So, you in need of an extra pair of hands?”
Rodney eyed John narrowly - it would be nice to have his help, not only was his gene very useful when getting recalcitrant Ancient devices to work, but John could also be surprisingly ingenious when the occasion required it, not that one would be able to tell that from his hair. However, Rodney was also well-aware that John'd had a tough few days and that SGA-1 had a mission scheduled for tomorrow. Perhaps it would be better for John if he were to get some rest instead. From John's close proximity to him, seated as he was on the edge of the testing table, Rodney could clearly see the dark circles under his eyes.
“No; I'll be fine on my own,” Rodney forced himself to say, noting in surprise a slight but definite slumping of John's shoulders as he spoke.
But then John quickly altered the movement and was shrugging instead. “Oh, okay then,” he replied easily, his tone belaying his earlier expression, although the sudden shuttering of his eyes had Rodney even more confused. “Guess I'll go check in with Ronon,” John continued as he slipped off from Rodney's desk. “He had these really neat moves during today's hand-to-hand session that I-”
“You have got to be kidding me!” Rodney exploded, his words halting John mid-sentence. “You look like you're about to fall asleep on your feet and yet you're going to go work out with Ronon?! You know what? I'm not even surprised,” Rodney broke off, practically panting for breath, as he realised that John was staring at him with a completely bemused expression on his face.
“Hey,” John said, reaching out a hand to place it on Rodney shoulder. “You okay there buddy? That was some outburst.”
Rodney scowled at him, his anger still bubbling up inside him. “No, I'm not okay,” he snapped, shaking off John's restraining arm. “And neither are you. In case it has escaped your notice, we have a mission tomorrow. You should be recovering from your week spent trying to prevent that bunch of wet-behind-the-ears eighteen year-olds becoming Wraith-bait, not getting Ronon to pummel you into the ground.”
“Rodney,” John said slowly, both his tone and expression concerned. “I'm fine, really. There's no need for you to worry about me.”
“Fine?” Rodney snorted. “Yeah, right, and when aren't you 'fine'? When you're having the life sucked out of you by a bug or when you're riding a nuclear bomb to your death?” Some abstract part of him was surprised at just how angry he was at John's cavalier dismissal of his concerns, but as it seemed that he was the only one even the slightest bit worried about John, he didn't allow himself to back down.
“So, you think I'm not fine?” John asked, his head tilted to one side as he regarded Rodney closely. “That there's something wrong with me?”
“I... Well, no, I...” Rodney stumbled over the words, unsure of how exactly to express his growing awareness of John's unhappiness. “I mean, I know you, John - really, I do. And I know you're not... well... not exactly yourself at the moment.”
“You know me?” John's expression grew guarded. “And what exactly do you think you know?”
Rodney huffed out a breath and made a frustrated gesture towards John with his hands. “I know you're tired,” he said. “I know you aren't eating enough and that you're working yourself into the ground. I know it's been a rough few months and that you need a break.”
“Hell, Rodney,” John said, dismissing Rodney's concerns. “The same could be said of any one of us.”
“No, no, it's more than that,” Rodney insisted, shaking his head. “I know it is - you're not going to be able to fob me off.” To emphasise his point, he reached out and grabbed John's forearm, hauling the man closer to him. “This is different,” he said, his grip on John tightening as the warmth of John's body radiated up his arm. “I can see it now - I couldn't before. I know it's something more than that.”
At Rodney's touch, John froze, his expression turning to stone. Rodney blinked, surprised that John would have such an extreme reaction to his concern. He knew that John wasn’t one for any of the touchy-feely stuff, but he had hoped they’d been friends for long enough for them to at least be able to be honest with each other.
“Look,” he said, trying to break through the wall John had just put up between them. “I know what it’s like - I understand. It’s been… well, a truly fucked up couple of months and I… well, I worry about you. You’ve always been there for me. God, John, when Jeanie was dying you... and when I thought I was losing my mind again you... well, you know,” he made an awkward gesture with his hand before continuing. “And, well, I just want you to know that I’m here for you too.”
It was only as he stopped speaking that Rodney realised just how close to John he actually was. With one hand still wrapped tightly around John's arm, there was only a few inches separating their chests. It was odd, to suddenly be this close. Neither of them were particularly tactile people and apart from the odd shoulder-bump Rodney couldn’t recall a time when they’d ever been so - at least not when they weren’t in the field and one or both of them was near to losing consciousness. At this distance, and without some threat or other hanging over their heads, not only could Rodney feel the intense heat John's body radiated, but he could also smell his light musk and feel the warm puffs of his breath. The experience was both unnerving and yet also strangely compelling. Confused, Rodney lifted his gaze to John's, totally unprepared for what he was to find there.
Need, pure and unadulterated, shone brightly from John's eyes. The sight of it, so clear and unexpected, ignited a similar flame deep in Rodney's chest. It was as if, in that one seemingly eternal moment, everything fell into place and Rodney at last understood why he had found himself increasingly driven to take care of John. He wanted John, just as John wanted him.
Standing there, staring into John's eyes, it all made such perfect sense that Rodney, never one to question so self-evident a conclusion, found himself accepting it without question. He wasn't sure who moved first, but even that didn't matter as all of a sudden they were kissing. Hot, deep, wet kisses that went on endlessly.
Rodney's hands came up instinctively, grasping a hold of the John's shirt and pulling him even closer. With a groan that echoed through Rodney's body, John complied, stepping nearer so that their bodies were pressed tightly together. Rodney could feel the unmistakable ridge of John's cock hard against his hip and felt his own erection twitch and swell in response. He thrust his tongue deeper into John's mouth as he ground his erection into John's hip and felt answering the thrust of John's body into his. Desperate for more, he slid one hand up to the nape of John's neck and then onwards into his messy hair, while his other hand travelled down the hard muscles of John's back to rest on the top of John's ass.
Then, just as suddenly as everything had started, it stopped. One moment Rodney was wrapped around John and the next John was half-way across the room, his chest heaving and his mouth still red and wet from their kisses. Stunned, Rodney could only stand there and stare at him, all too aware that his face must be flushed and his erection must be clearly visible, straining against his pants.
“No,” John said, his voice a little shaky at first, but getting stronger. “No.”
“Wait, what? Why?” Rodney asked, shaking his head in confusion and taking a step towards John, his body aching for more of John's.
“No,” John said again, his expression blanking out as effectively as it did in the field. “This is a mistake.”
And, with that, he turned and walked out of the lab, leaving Rodney, still hard and aching, gaping at him in bewilderment.
~*~
Rodney couldn't remember much of the detail around his trip from the lab to one of the large open balconies over looking the ocean. After John's swift departure, he'd used up his few remaining functional brain cells shutting down his various computers and leaving the lab, the majority of his mind and brain still in a profound state of shock. It just didn't make any sense.
He had kissed John.
John had kissed him.
They had kissed.
The phrases kept chasing each other around in his head as the after-effects of those kisses still plagued his body. It was… unbelievable. And yet it had happened; they had kissed. Rodney could still taste the flavour of John in his mouth and feel the heat of John’s body from where it had been pressed tightly up against his own. Rodney shuddered in reaction, the cool night breeze doing nothing to dampen the effects of what had passed between them.
As his befuddled mind slowly accepted the kiss, Rodney found that a picture of what was truly happening between them starting to emerge. Although he was no stranger to affairs with men, he’d never before looked upon John in that light. It had seemed incomprehensible to him that John could possibly be anything other than completely straight. The man practically oozed sex-appeal and there had never been any shortage of women - Ancient, alien or otherwise - offering themselves up to him. So it had never crossed Rodney’s mind to consider that their relationship might develop in something more than strictly platonic, even when taking into account the closeness that had grown up between them over the years and the surprising turn his feelings had taken of late.
Recent events, however, had thrown all of that into doubt. Despite what John had said as he’d left, John Sheppard was definitely not completely straight. So where did that leave Rodney, besides hard and aching? Was this what all his recent feelings had been about? Did he truly want something more than just friendship from John? His body responded immediately with a resounding yes, even as his mind still stumbled with the question.
“McKay.”
Ronon’s low rumble had Rodney starting in surprise, his thoughts scattering at the unexpected interruption. He spun around to find Ronon ambling out onto the balcony to join him at the edge. Ronon looked happy and relaxed as he slouched down over the balcony railing, his forearms holding up his body weight. For a moment, Rodney wondered what, other than a good fight with the Wraith, could bring such a down-right happy expression to Ronon’s face. Then realisation hit him - Jennifer, Ronon had been with Jennifer. And, swift on the heels of that realisation came the revelation that he didn’t care.
“Ronon,” he replied evenly. “So, you've been with Jennifer?” he continued casually, feeling even more certain, as he spoke the words aloud, that he truly didn’t mind. Moreover, he found that he was actually glad that Jennifer and Ronon were going out. It meant that he wouldn’t have to be put in the unpleasant situation of breaking up with someone again so soon after his disastrous break-up with Katie.
“Yeah,” Ronon replied shortly, his answer hardly impinging on Rodney at all. “And you've been with Sheppard,” he continued, casting Rodney an assessing look.
Rodney nodded in response, yet something in Ronon's tone had him lifting his eyes from the surface of the ocean to study Ronon's expression. “With John, yes,” he echoed, his thoughts still a maelstrom at the mere thought of John and what they’d been doing together. “Well, sort of.”
Ronon raised an eyebrow at that. “Sort of?” he asked. “What does that mean?”
Rodney shook his head and turned back to the water. “Hell if I know,” he replied, his confusion seeping into his tone.
“Ah,” came Ronon's far too knowing reply.
Rodney's gaze snapped back up immediately, “And what precisely does 'ah' mean?” he demanded.
Ronon smirked at him as he straightened from his hunched postion and turned towards. Rodney “It means that you're not fooling anyone, McKay,” he said. “Not even yourself.”
Rodney was silent for a moment, trying to process everything that had happened - his friendship with John, his worry about John, their kisses...
“No,” he answered softly at last, as his conscious mind finally caught up with where he realised his sub-conscious already knew. “No, I don't suppose I am.” But, unfortunately, things were somewhat more complicated than that: John had left. “But he said it was all a mistake,” Rodney continued just as softly. “He said it was a mistake and then he left.”
“And was it?” Ronon asked, his voice, although equally soft, entirely uncompromising. “Do you think it was a mistake?”
Rodney found himself shaking his head in immediate denial, surprised at how easy this question was to answer. “No,” he replied with conviction. “No, it wasn't; not for either of us.”
Ronon nodded, a smile breaking out across his face. “Well, there you go then,” he said, reaching out to clap Rodney on the back. “So, what are you waiting for?”
~*~
It had all seemed so simple when he’d been out on the balcony with Ronon, but now, standing outside John’s quarters, Rodney’s mind was drawing a blank. He was bad at talking about his feelings at the best of times - and John was downright awful at it - so what chance did either of them have? Then again, running away was hardly John Sheppard’s modus operandi, so it was obvious that they would have to do something about what had happened between them.
Not allowing himself any more time to think, Rodney swiped a hand over John’s door chime and waited. After several seconds of silence, the door slowly slid open to reveal a still slightly dishevelled-looking John.
“Rodney,” John said evenly, his face betraying nothing of his feelings.
Rodney felt his courage start to desert him as he stared into John's implacable features. Still, he couldn't help but let his eyes roam over John's face, desperate to see anything of the John who he had kissed so passionately down in the lab. To his relief, Rodney noticed that John's hair was still mussed from his fingers and the skin around John's mouth still slightly pink from the brush of his early evening beard. Being able to see the hard, tangible proof of what had happened between them gave Rodney the courage he needed to face the carefully constructed blankness in John's eyes. Steeling himself, he uttered the four words he'd never thought he'd have to say, and certainly not to John. “We need to talk.”
Seeming unfazed by Rodney's pronouncement, John merely raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Do we?” he asked, his posture, to the untrained eye at any rate, a study of nonchalance. But Rodney's eye was far from untrained when it came to reading John and Rodney could tell that he wasn't as unaffected as he appeared.
“Yes, we do,” Rodney replied with absolute certainty as he shouldered his way past John, the door to John's quarters sliding closed behind him.
“Okay then, Rodney,” John drawled as he turned to face Rodney, his hands riding low on his hips and his expression one of clear disinterest. “What do you want to talk about?”
Rodney felt his heart sink as he realised that John had obviously rallied himself in the face of Rodney's determination not to be put off. As he opened his mouth to respond, he suddenly found he couldn't speak the words aloud. What exactly did he want to talk about? Did he want to talk about their kiss? Not especially, he had to admit. What was there to say about it, after all? That he enjoyed it? That he wanted to do some more kissing? Well, while all of that was certainly true, he wasn't so sure he actually wanted to express such things aloud. And especially not with John standing there smirking at him in a manner that suggested he was fully prepared to deny that such a kiss had even taken place.
“I... um, well, I...” he stuttered, groping for the right thing to say.
John looked at him and then took a seat on his bed, pushing himself back against the wall and crossing his still-booted feet at the ankle. “Is this about you needing more time with your Ancient gizmo?” he asked. “'Cause we do still have a mission tomorrow, you know. You'll just have to leave it with Zelenka and pick it up again when we get back.”
For a moment, Rodney simply stared at John in stunned silence - John was just going to pretend the whole thing had never happened. Rodney could see how it was a tempting thing to do, but he also knew that it wasn't what he, at any rate, wanted to do. Thinking back to Ronon's comment, 'You're not fooling anyone', Rodney suddenly realised that neither did John. Although he may look relaxed and at ease, he wasn't. Although he may give the appearance of having forgotten their kiss in the lab, he hadn't. And Rodney was damned if he was going to let John get away with the pretence any longer.
“No,” he said firmly. “No - you're not going to do this.”
The look John shot him was confused. “Do what?” he asked.
Rodney waved agitated hands at him. “Do this,” he insisted. “This... this thing you do where you just pretend that nothing has happened and that everything is fine.”
At his words, John's discomfort became even more visible, but he still held his silence. Rodney huffed out an exasperated breath, wracking his brain for a way to get through to John.
Suddenly, it hit him, the one thing he could say to make it clear what he meant. Taking a deep breath, Rodney took a step closer to John. “It wasn't a mistake, John,” he said firmly. “I don't think so and I don't think you do either.”
“What?” John asked, his tone uneven and the quick flash of panic in his eyes making it obvious that he knew exactly what Rodney was talking about.
“You know what,” Rodney replied, his courage returning enough for him to now finally say the words. “What happened in the lab, the kiss, us.”
John rolled off the bed and away from Rodney and in one swift motion, rising to his feet with a gracefulness that Rodney couldn't help but envy. Keeping his back to Rodney, he raised a hand to rub at the nape of his neck, his shoulders visibly tense. “Well, you're wrong,” he said at last, voice slightly hoarse. “There is no us and what happened in the lab... well, it shouldn't have.”
“No,” Rodney said, shaking his head in denial. “No, you're the one who's wrong.” He moved around the bed in an effort to face John. “It wasn't a mistake and there very clearly is an us.”
John remained both silent and facing away from Rodney.
“You can't deny it,” Rodney continued. “After all we've been through together, it's obvious.” He shook his head in disbelief at his own blindness. “I just can't believe I didn't figure it out sooner. I mean, just think about it for a moment: who did I call out for when I was losing my mind? Who stood by me when my sister was dying? Who talked a man into giving up his life for me? God, John, if that doesn't tell you that there is an 'us', I don't know what will.”
At that, John whirled around to face him, his expression no longer blank, but clouded with anger. “No, it doesn't” he snapped. “All that tells me is that there is a 'me'.”
“But that's not true,” Rodney replied quickly. “I mean, I... I feel the same.”
“Oh, yeah?” John asked, his tone mocking. “And what does Jennifer make of all of this?”
Rodney waved the comment away. “Nothing; I don't know; it doesn't matter,” he said. “She and I, well, there really wasn't ever a she and I.”
John raised a sceptical eyebrow. “And your mission to M33-985?”
Rodney flapped a hand. “That was a mistake,” he said. “I thought... well, I don't know what I thought, but, whatever it was, it was wrong.” He took a deep breath, wondering quite what it would take to convince John and whether he had the courage to do it. “I didn't ever really want her... I think what I wanted the idea of her - the idea of someone.”
“I'm not just someone, Rodney,” John said, his exhaustion suddenly very apparent once more. “If you think that, then this really is all a mistake and I think you should go.”
“No,” Rodney replied quickly. “I don't want to go - I can't go. This is too important.” He took a step forward and put a tentative hand on John's forearm, his thumb caressing the taut muscles beneath it without his conscious volition. ”You're so much more than just someone, John,” he confessed, knowing it to be true even as he spoke the words aloud for the first time. “I can see now that you're the one I want. I mean, I never pursued Jennifer, and certainly not like this. In fact, I only ever thought about her at all when Ronon was making it clear that he was interested in her too.” His hand tightened on John's arm. “Jennifer and Ronon make sense,” he said. “Just like you and I do.”
And then, to Rodney's great relief, there was no need for more words because they were kissing and everything, finally, fell perfectly into place.
~*~
As Rodney and John entered the commissary the next morning, their shoulders brushing occasionally against each others as they walked, Rodney knew he had a sappy grin on his face. Thankfully, John was sporting one that was equally sappy, if not more so, so Rodney didn't let it bother him.
“Good morning,” Teyla greeted them both brightly as they approached their normal table with their trays. “You both look well.”
Rodney felt himself flush slightly at her words, but John just grinned at her as he swung himself gracefully into his usual seat opposite her.
“So, things looking clearer this morning, McKay?” Ronon asked, not bothering to hide his grin as he glanced between Rodney and John.
“Much,” Rodney replied as he took his own seat, fully aware that his flush was intensifying.
Just then Jennifer bounded up to the table, a travel mug of coffee, a muffin, and a data-pad clasped in her hands. Beside him, Rodney felt John tense slightly.
“Good morning,” she greeted them all with a smile before turning to Ronon. “Hey,” she said somewhat shyly. “I just wanted to let you know that I've checked my schedule and tonight is fine.”
Ronon nodded as he smiled up at her. “Great,” he said. “I'll stop by when we get back from our mission.”
“Good, great,” she repeated, taking a somewhat awkward step back. “I've got to get back to the infirmary, but I'll see you later.”
As she left, Rodney turned to John and grinned. “You see,” he said, reaching out to snatch a piece of John's toast. “Perfect sense.”
John grinned back, stealing a piece of Rodney's bacon in turn. “You know, Rodney,” he said. “You might just be right.”
~fin~
Making Sense
Part Two
After his lunch with Teyla, Rodney returned to the lab and spent the remainder of the day working on the device. He wasn't at all sure what to make of her comments, so put them firmly out of his mind and threw all his mental energies into his work. He was certain that they were very close to getting the device operational again and so, when the lab started clearing out for the day, Rodney chose to remain at his desk and keep working. With SGA-1 due to begin off-world missions the following afternoon, he was determined to get the project competed if he possibly could.
“Are you certain you do not want to wait for tomorrow, Rodney?” Radek asked, his voice pulling Rodney from the finishing touches he was putting to his team's re-coding efforts. “I am sure we will be ready to activate the device by tomorrow afternoon.”
Frowning automatically at the interruption, Rodney shook his head as he glanced over at Radek. “Yes, and while that may very well be the case, I am equally sure I can get it activated tonight. I'm just about finished with the coding and all that leaves is re-booting the power supply and seeing what we've got.” With that, he returned his attention to his laptop.
“Ah,” Radek said. “You... want me to stay then?”
Rodney could hear Radek shift uncomfortably on his feet as he continued to work and huffed in frustration. “What is it?” he demanded as he looked up again. “If you don't want to stay, then don't stay. I am perfectly capable of handling this on my own. Genius here, remember?”
Radek had the grace to look a bit embarrassed, but Rodney had the feeling that there was something more to the slight blush staining his cheeks. With a flash of inspiration, he felt a grin spread over his face. “You have plans!” he crowed, delighted to see Radek's blush deepen still further. “Radek, you dog! Who is she?”
Radek ran a distracted hand through his hair and then pulled off his glasses, polishing them on his shirt with unsteady hands. “Well, I... It is not really a date...” he stuttered.
“Of course it's a date,” Rodney said firmly. “Come on, out with it! Who?”
“Well, Amanda Grant,” Radek admitted at last as he pushed his freshly polished glasses back up his nose. “She is newly arrived in the xeno-biology department.”
Still grinning, Rodney nodded, the name bringing vague images of a slim woman with red hair. “Well, go on then,” he said, shooing Radek away with quick flicks of his hands. “You need to get ready and... I don't know... do something with your hair.”
Radek raised a hand and hurriedly flattened down his hair. “If you are sure-”
“I am,” Rodney interrupted. “Go.”
Radek nodded in thanks and turned to leave, but turned back to Rodney after he'd taken only a few steps. “And what about you, Rodney?” he asked. “You are still seeing Dr. Keller, are you not? Perhaps you should go and spend some time with her instead of working all night.”
Rodney brushed off the suggestion without thought. “No, no, I'm so close - this is more important. I'm back to missions tomorrow and I know John'll want to me to have this finished before we go off-world. Besides which,” he added. “I saw Jennifer at lunch today.”
“Oh,” Radek replied, sounding slightly surprised. “Okay then. Good night, Rodney.”
Rodney waved him off, his eyes already back on his screen. But he looked up again when he heard Radek pause again as the lab's doors hissed open.
“Oh, good evening, Colonel,” Radek said as he left.
“Night, Radek,” came John's easy reply. “Hey, Rodney. Where's Radek off to in such a hurry?”
Slightly off-balanced by John's sudden and unexpected appearance, Rodney found himself distracted. He let his eyes drift up and down John's body for a moment, taking in his still slightly pale complexion and the long, strong length of his body in his black BDUs - which, thankfully, appeared to be undamaged by whatever torture he'd been inflicting upon the unsuspecting marines that day. “What?” he replied at last, conscious of the odd look John was shooting him. “Oh, he has a date.”
John ambled over to Rodney's desk. “Really?” he said, lifting an eyebrow.
Rodney shrugged. “Yes - with that red-headed biologist... um... Melanie or Melissa or something...”
“Amanda,” John corrected with a nod. “Good for him.”
Rodney snorted in amusement. “Trust you to know her name.”
John shrugged. “What can I say; it's a gift. So what are you up to here?”
Rodney gestured towards the device, still sitting on its testing table. “Trying to finish this off before tomorrow.”
“Really?” John said, his eyes lighting up. “Cool. You got any idea what it does yet?”
That had Rodney frowning. “Not as such,” he was forced to admit. “Radek's team have only just finished rebuilding it, but now that that's done and I've got the code pretty near finished, we can soon find out.”
“You finishing up here tonight, then?” John asked. “You don't have any plans?”
“Plans? No,” Rodney replied, wondering what on Earth John was going on about.
“Oh, great,” John said, looking positively perky. He hoisted himself up on the testing table next to the device. “Thought you might be... you know... busy.”
“What are you talking about?” Rodney snapped, reaching out to pull the device safely away from John - you never knew, with his gene, whether or not Ancient devices would take it into their heads to go all crazy in his presence. “I am busy.”
John smiled at him, somewhat sappily Rodney thought, though he couldn't imagine why, and said, “Of course, you are, Rodney. So, you in need of an extra pair of hands?”
Rodney eyed John narrowly - it would be nice to have his help, not only was his gene very useful when getting recalcitrant Ancient devices to work, but John could also be surprisingly ingenious when the occasion required it, not that one would be able to tell that from his hair. However, Rodney was also well-aware that John'd had a tough few days and that SGA-1 had a mission scheduled for tomorrow. Perhaps it would be better for John if he were to get some rest instead. From John's close proximity to him, seated as he was on the edge of the testing table, Rodney could clearly see the dark circles under his eyes.
“No; I'll be fine on my own,” Rodney forced himself to say, noting in surprise a slight but definite slumping of John's shoulders as he spoke.
But then John quickly altered the movement and was shrugging instead. “Oh, okay then,” he replied easily, his tone belaying his earlier expression, although the sudden shuttering of his eyes had Rodney even more confused. “Guess I'll go check in with Ronon,” John continued as he slipped off from Rodney's desk. “He had these really neat moves during today's hand-to-hand session that I-”
“You have got to be kidding me!” Rodney exploded, his words halting John mid-sentence. “You look like you're about to fall asleep on your feet and yet you're going to go work out with Ronon?! You know what? I'm not even surprised,” Rodney broke off, practically panting for breath, as he realised that John was staring at him with a completely bemused expression on his face.
“Hey,” John said, reaching out a hand to place it on Rodney shoulder. “You okay there buddy? That was some outburst.”
Rodney scowled at him, his anger still bubbling up inside him. “No, I'm not okay,” he snapped, shaking off John's restraining arm. “And neither are you. In case it has escaped your notice, we have a mission tomorrow. You should be recovering from your week spent trying to prevent that bunch of wet-behind-the-ears eighteen year-olds becoming Wraith-bait, not getting Ronon to pummel you into the ground.”
“Rodney,” John said slowly, both his tone and expression concerned. “I'm fine, really. There's no need for you to worry about me.”
“Fine?” Rodney snorted. “Yeah, right, and when aren't you 'fine'? When you're having the life sucked out of you by a bug or when you're riding a nuclear bomb to your death?” Some abstract part of him was surprised at just how angry he was at John's cavalier dismissal of his concerns, but as it seemed that he was the only one even the slightest bit worried about John, he didn't allow himself to back down.
“So, you think I'm not fine?” John asked, his head tilted to one side as he regarded Rodney closely. “That there's something wrong with me?”
“I... Well, no, I...” Rodney stumbled over the words, unsure of how exactly to express his growing awareness of John's unhappiness. “I mean, I know you, John - really, I do. And I know you're not... well... not exactly yourself at the moment.”
“You know me?” John's expression grew guarded. “And what exactly do you think you know?”
Rodney huffed out a breath and made a frustrated gesture towards John with his hands. “I know you're tired,” he said. “I know you aren't eating enough and that you're working yourself into the ground. I know it's been a rough few months and that you need a break.”
“Hell, Rodney,” John said, dismissing Rodney's concerns. “The same could be said of any one of us.”
“No, no, it's more than that,” Rodney insisted, shaking his head. “I know it is - you're not going to be able to fob me off.” To emphasise his point, he reached out and grabbed John's forearm, hauling the man closer to him. “This is different,” he said, his grip on John tightening as the warmth of John's body radiated up his arm. “I can see it now - I couldn't before. I know it's something more than that.”
At Rodney's touch, John froze, his expression turning to stone. Rodney blinked, surprised that John would have such an extreme reaction to his concern. He knew that John wasn’t one for any of the touchy-feely stuff, but he had hoped they’d been friends for long enough for them to at least be able to be honest with each other.
“Look,” he said, trying to break through the wall John had just put up between them. “I know what it’s like - I understand. It’s been… well, a truly fucked up couple of months and I… well, I worry about you. You’ve always been there for me. God, John, when Jeanie was dying you... and when I thought I was losing my mind again you... well, you know,” he made an awkward gesture with his hand before continuing. “And, well, I just want you to know that I’m here for you too.”
It was only as he stopped speaking that Rodney realised just how close to John he actually was. With one hand still wrapped tightly around John's arm, there was only a few inches separating their chests. It was odd, to suddenly be this close. Neither of them were particularly tactile people and apart from the odd shoulder-bump Rodney couldn’t recall a time when they’d ever been so - at least not when they weren’t in the field and one or both of them was near to losing consciousness. At this distance, and without some threat or other hanging over their heads, not only could Rodney feel the intense heat John's body radiated, but he could also smell his light musk and feel the warm puffs of his breath. The experience was both unnerving and yet also strangely compelling. Confused, Rodney lifted his gaze to John's, totally unprepared for what he was to find there.
Need, pure and unadulterated, shone brightly from John's eyes. The sight of it, so clear and unexpected, ignited a similar flame deep in Rodney's chest. It was as if, in that one seemingly eternal moment, everything fell into place and Rodney at last understood why he had found himself increasingly driven to take care of John. He wanted John, just as John wanted him.
Standing there, staring into John's eyes, it all made such perfect sense that Rodney, never one to question so self-evident a conclusion, found himself accepting it without question. He wasn't sure who moved first, but even that didn't matter as all of a sudden they were kissing. Hot, deep, wet kisses that went on endlessly.
Rodney's hands came up instinctively, grasping a hold of the John's shirt and pulling him even closer. With a groan that echoed through Rodney's body, John complied, stepping nearer so that their bodies were pressed tightly together. Rodney could feel the unmistakable ridge of John's cock hard against his hip and felt his own erection twitch and swell in response. He thrust his tongue deeper into John's mouth as he ground his erection into John's hip and felt answering the thrust of John's body into his. Desperate for more, he slid one hand up to the nape of John's neck and then onwards into his messy hair, while his other hand travelled down the hard muscles of John's back to rest on the top of John's ass.
Then, just as suddenly as everything had started, it stopped. One moment Rodney was wrapped around John and the next John was half-way across the room, his chest heaving and his mouth still red and wet from their kisses. Stunned, Rodney could only stand there and stare at him, all too aware that his face must be flushed and his erection must be clearly visible, straining against his pants.
“No,” John said, his voice a little shaky at first, but getting stronger. “No.”
“Wait, what? Why?” Rodney asked, shaking his head in confusion and taking a step towards John, his body aching for more of John's.
“No,” John said again, his expression blanking out as effectively as it did in the field. “This is a mistake.”
And, with that, he turned and walked out of the lab, leaving Rodney, still hard and aching, gaping at him in bewilderment.
~*~
Rodney couldn't remember much of the detail around his trip from the lab to one of the large open balconies over looking the ocean. After John's swift departure, he'd used up his few remaining functional brain cells shutting down his various computers and leaving the lab, the majority of his mind and brain still in a profound state of shock. It just didn't make any sense.
He had kissed John.
John had kissed him.
They had kissed.
The phrases kept chasing each other around in his head as the after-effects of those kisses still plagued his body. It was… unbelievable. And yet it had happened; they had kissed. Rodney could still taste the flavour of John in his mouth and feel the heat of John’s body from where it had been pressed tightly up against his own. Rodney shuddered in reaction, the cool night breeze doing nothing to dampen the effects of what had passed between them.
As his befuddled mind slowly accepted the kiss, Rodney found that a picture of what was truly happening between them starting to emerge. Although he was no stranger to affairs with men, he’d never before looked upon John in that light. It had seemed incomprehensible to him that John could possibly be anything other than completely straight. The man practically oozed sex-appeal and there had never been any shortage of women - Ancient, alien or otherwise - offering themselves up to him. So it had never crossed Rodney’s mind to consider that their relationship might develop in something more than strictly platonic, even when taking into account the closeness that had grown up between them over the years and the surprising turn his feelings had taken of late.
Recent events, however, had thrown all of that into doubt. Despite what John had said as he’d left, John Sheppard was definitely not completely straight. So where did that leave Rodney, besides hard and aching? Was this what all his recent feelings had been about? Did he truly want something more than just friendship from John? His body responded immediately with a resounding yes, even as his mind still stumbled with the question.
“McKay.”
Ronon’s low rumble had Rodney starting in surprise, his thoughts scattering at the unexpected interruption. He spun around to find Ronon ambling out onto the balcony to join him at the edge. Ronon looked happy and relaxed as he slouched down over the balcony railing, his forearms holding up his body weight. For a moment, Rodney wondered what, other than a good fight with the Wraith, could bring such a down-right happy expression to Ronon’s face. Then realisation hit him - Jennifer, Ronon had been with Jennifer. And, swift on the heels of that realisation came the revelation that he didn’t care.
“Ronon,” he replied evenly. “So, you've been with Jennifer?” he continued casually, feeling even more certain, as he spoke the words aloud, that he truly didn’t mind. Moreover, he found that he was actually glad that Jennifer and Ronon were going out. It meant that he wouldn’t have to be put in the unpleasant situation of breaking up with someone again so soon after his disastrous break-up with Katie.
“Yeah,” Ronon replied shortly, his answer hardly impinging on Rodney at all. “And you've been with Sheppard,” he continued, casting Rodney an assessing look.
Rodney nodded in response, yet something in Ronon's tone had him lifting his eyes from the surface of the ocean to study Ronon's expression. “With John, yes,” he echoed, his thoughts still a maelstrom at the mere thought of John and what they’d been doing together. “Well, sort of.”
Ronon raised an eyebrow at that. “Sort of?” he asked. “What does that mean?”
Rodney shook his head and turned back to the water. “Hell if I know,” he replied, his confusion seeping into his tone.
“Ah,” came Ronon's far too knowing reply.
Rodney's gaze snapped back up immediately, “And what precisely does 'ah' mean?” he demanded.
Ronon smirked at him as he straightened from his hunched postion and turned towards. Rodney “It means that you're not fooling anyone, McKay,” he said. “Not even yourself.”
Rodney was silent for a moment, trying to process everything that had happened - his friendship with John, his worry about John, their kisses...
“No,” he answered softly at last, as his conscious mind finally caught up with where he realised his sub-conscious already knew. “No, I don't suppose I am.” But, unfortunately, things were somewhat more complicated than that: John had left. “But he said it was all a mistake,” Rodney continued just as softly. “He said it was a mistake and then he left.”
“And was it?” Ronon asked, his voice, although equally soft, entirely uncompromising. “Do you think it was a mistake?”
Rodney found himself shaking his head in immediate denial, surprised at how easy this question was to answer. “No,” he replied with conviction. “No, it wasn't; not for either of us.”
Ronon nodded, a smile breaking out across his face. “Well, there you go then,” he said, reaching out to clap Rodney on the back. “So, what are you waiting for?”
~*~
It had all seemed so simple when he’d been out on the balcony with Ronon, but now, standing outside John’s quarters, Rodney’s mind was drawing a blank. He was bad at talking about his feelings at the best of times - and John was downright awful at it - so what chance did either of them have? Then again, running away was hardly John Sheppard’s modus operandi, so it was obvious that they would have to do something about what had happened between them.
Not allowing himself any more time to think, Rodney swiped a hand over John’s door chime and waited. After several seconds of silence, the door slowly slid open to reveal a still slightly dishevelled-looking John.
“Rodney,” John said evenly, his face betraying nothing of his feelings.
Rodney felt his courage start to desert him as he stared into John's implacable features. Still, he couldn't help but let his eyes roam over John's face, desperate to see anything of the John who he had kissed so passionately down in the lab. To his relief, Rodney noticed that John's hair was still mussed from his fingers and the skin around John's mouth still slightly pink from the brush of his early evening beard. Being able to see the hard, tangible proof of what had happened between them gave Rodney the courage he needed to face the carefully constructed blankness in John's eyes. Steeling himself, he uttered the four words he'd never thought he'd have to say, and certainly not to John. “We need to talk.”
Seeming unfazed by Rodney's pronouncement, John merely raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Do we?” he asked, his posture, to the untrained eye at any rate, a study of nonchalance. But Rodney's eye was far from untrained when it came to reading John and Rodney could tell that he wasn't as unaffected as he appeared.
“Yes, we do,” Rodney replied with absolute certainty as he shouldered his way past John, the door to John's quarters sliding closed behind him.
“Okay then, Rodney,” John drawled as he turned to face Rodney, his hands riding low on his hips and his expression one of clear disinterest. “What do you want to talk about?”
Rodney felt his heart sink as he realised that John had obviously rallied himself in the face of Rodney's determination not to be put off. As he opened his mouth to respond, he suddenly found he couldn't speak the words aloud. What exactly did he want to talk about? Did he want to talk about their kiss? Not especially, he had to admit. What was there to say about it, after all? That he enjoyed it? That he wanted to do some more kissing? Well, while all of that was certainly true, he wasn't so sure he actually wanted to express such things aloud. And especially not with John standing there smirking at him in a manner that suggested he was fully prepared to deny that such a kiss had even taken place.
“I... um, well, I...” he stuttered, groping for the right thing to say.
John looked at him and then took a seat on his bed, pushing himself back against the wall and crossing his still-booted feet at the ankle. “Is this about you needing more time with your Ancient gizmo?” he asked. “'Cause we do still have a mission tomorrow, you know. You'll just have to leave it with Zelenka and pick it up again when we get back.”
For a moment, Rodney simply stared at John in stunned silence - John was just going to pretend the whole thing had never happened. Rodney could see how it was a tempting thing to do, but he also knew that it wasn't what he, at any rate, wanted to do. Thinking back to Ronon's comment, 'You're not fooling anyone', Rodney suddenly realised that neither did John. Although he may look relaxed and at ease, he wasn't. Although he may give the appearance of having forgotten their kiss in the lab, he hadn't. And Rodney was damned if he was going to let John get away with the pretence any longer.
“No,” he said firmly. “No - you're not going to do this.”
The look John shot him was confused. “Do what?” he asked.
Rodney waved agitated hands at him. “Do this,” he insisted. “This... this thing you do where you just pretend that nothing has happened and that everything is fine.”
At his words, John's discomfort became even more visible, but he still held his silence. Rodney huffed out an exasperated breath, wracking his brain for a way to get through to John.
Suddenly, it hit him, the one thing he could say to make it clear what he meant. Taking a deep breath, Rodney took a step closer to John. “It wasn't a mistake, John,” he said firmly. “I don't think so and I don't think you do either.”
“What?” John asked, his tone uneven and the quick flash of panic in his eyes making it obvious that he knew exactly what Rodney was talking about.
“You know what,” Rodney replied, his courage returning enough for him to now finally say the words. “What happened in the lab, the kiss, us.”
John rolled off the bed and away from Rodney and in one swift motion, rising to his feet with a gracefulness that Rodney couldn't help but envy. Keeping his back to Rodney, he raised a hand to rub at the nape of his neck, his shoulders visibly tense. “Well, you're wrong,” he said at last, voice slightly hoarse. “There is no us and what happened in the lab... well, it shouldn't have.”
“No,” Rodney said, shaking his head in denial. “No, you're the one who's wrong.” He moved around the bed in an effort to face John. “It wasn't a mistake and there very clearly is an us.”
John remained both silent and facing away from Rodney.
“You can't deny it,” Rodney continued. “After all we've been through together, it's obvious.” He shook his head in disbelief at his own blindness. “I just can't believe I didn't figure it out sooner. I mean, just think about it for a moment: who did I call out for when I was losing my mind? Who stood by me when my sister was dying? Who talked a man into giving up his life for me? God, John, if that doesn't tell you that there is an 'us', I don't know what will.”
At that, John whirled around to face him, his expression no longer blank, but clouded with anger. “No, it doesn't” he snapped. “All that tells me is that there is a 'me'.”
“But that's not true,” Rodney replied quickly. “I mean, I... I feel the same.”
“Oh, yeah?” John asked, his tone mocking. “And what does Jennifer make of all of this?”
Rodney waved the comment away. “Nothing; I don't know; it doesn't matter,” he said. “She and I, well, there really wasn't ever a she and I.”
John raised a sceptical eyebrow. “And your mission to M33-985?”
Rodney flapped a hand. “That was a mistake,” he said. “I thought... well, I don't know what I thought, but, whatever it was, it was wrong.” He took a deep breath, wondering quite what it would take to convince John and whether he had the courage to do it. “I didn't ever really want her... I think what I wanted the idea of her - the idea of someone.”
“I'm not just someone, Rodney,” John said, his exhaustion suddenly very apparent once more. “If you think that, then this really is all a mistake and I think you should go.”
“No,” Rodney replied quickly. “I don't want to go - I can't go. This is too important.” He took a step forward and put a tentative hand on John's forearm, his thumb caressing the taut muscles beneath it without his conscious volition. ”You're so much more than just someone, John,” he confessed, knowing it to be true even as he spoke the words aloud for the first time. “I can see now that you're the one I want. I mean, I never pursued Jennifer, and certainly not like this. In fact, I only ever thought about her at all when Ronon was making it clear that he was interested in her too.” His hand tightened on John's arm. “Jennifer and Ronon make sense,” he said. “Just like you and I do.”
And then, to Rodney's great relief, there was no need for more words because they were kissing and everything, finally, fell perfectly into place.
~*~
As Rodney and John entered the commissary the next morning, their shoulders brushing occasionally against each others as they walked, Rodney knew he had a sappy grin on his face. Thankfully, John was sporting one that was equally sappy, if not more so, so Rodney didn't let it bother him.
“Good morning,” Teyla greeted them both brightly as they approached their normal table with their trays. “You both look well.”
Rodney felt himself flush slightly at her words, but John just grinned at her as he swung himself gracefully into his usual seat opposite her.
“So, things looking clearer this morning, McKay?” Ronon asked, not bothering to hide his grin as he glanced between Rodney and John.
“Much,” Rodney replied as he took his own seat, fully aware that his flush was intensifying.
Just then Jennifer bounded up to the table, a travel mug of coffee, a muffin, and a data-pad clasped in her hands. Beside him, Rodney felt John tense slightly.
“Good morning,” she greeted them all with a smile before turning to Ronon. “Hey,” she said somewhat shyly. “I just wanted to let you know that I've checked my schedule and tonight is fine.”
Ronon nodded as he smiled up at her. “Great,” he said. “I'll stop by when we get back from our mission.”
“Good, great,” she repeated, taking a somewhat awkward step back. “I've got to get back to the infirmary, but I'll see you later.”
As she left, Rodney turned to John and grinned. “You see,” he said, reaching out to snatch a piece of John's toast. “Perfect sense.”
John grinned back, stealing a piece of Rodney's bacon in turn. “You know, Rodney,” he said. “You might just be right.”
~fin~