Dumbstruck - part 4
Dumbstruck part 1 is here.
Dumbstruck part 2 is here.
Dumbstruck part 3 is here.
Dumbstruck
Part Four
Rodney found himself sneaking little glances at John as they made their way towards the infirmary, checking for any indication that something was wrong. Despite his worries, John looked fine - good even - walking at Rodney's side with his familiar long-limbed swagger firmly in place. Rodney took a deep breath and told himself to relax. After all, John had remembered - things were going to be okay.
Despite this, Rodney was feeling more than a little off-balance. Last night had been... Well, unexpected to say the least. Of course, Rodney had been fully aware that something was likely to happen between them once they'd been left alone together for the night, but he never would have anticipated events to unfold as they had. For John to be so open, so giving, so loving... it was, well, simply incredible. In fact, it had been everything Rodney had ever wanted from their relationship.
It wasn't that John hadn't always been a generous lover, far from it, but last night had marked a definite change in the dynamic of their relationship. All their previous encounters had occurred beneath the long shadow of DADT and Rodney had never before been able to quite shake the feeling that John was with him despite himself. It wasn't that he ever doubted that John wanted him, desired him, or even cared for him, but more that he'd always got the impression that John himself had felt that he was weak somehow for doing so - that by being with Rodney and breaking part of his military code - albeit one that was simply ridiculous - he was nevertheless breaking his oath.
But not last night, Rodney thought, casting another small glance in John's direction and feeling himself flush slightly when his gaze met John's. Last night there'd been no shadow, no guilt and no shame. Last night had been just the two of them - John and Rodney, free from all restraints and strictures. It had been perfect.
Yet things seemed to have shifted again this morning; John's openness of the night before giving way to his usual state of reserve. Rodney sighed and shook his head, resigning himself to the fact that he was never going to truly understand what went on in John's head. As they turned the corner on the way to the transporter, he felt John's shoulder brush against his. It could have been nothing more than an accident, but when Rodney looked over at John again, John repeated the action, bumping his shoulder against Rodney's and then grinning at him. Rodney snorted, recognizing a Sheppard-style apology when he saw one, and bumped John back, feeling his own smile bloom in response. Even if all that happened was that they returned to their previous relationship - friends who occasionally fucked - Rodney knew he'd always have that one night with John as something more. And that he'd always have John as his friend, even if they were destined never to be anything more.
It happened as they approached the transporter - it wasn't much at first, no more than a faint flicker, gone almost before it had begun, but it was enough. Both John and Rodney stopped walking immediately, turning to each other with matching expressions of concern. They waited for a few beats, eyes slowly rising to the light fittings running along the length of the corridor. Several minutes passed and Rodney was just starting to think that maybe they'd both managed to imagine it when it happened again. This time it wasn't just the lights, the control panel on the transporter flickered too.
“That's not supposed to happen,” Rodney said. “We're not due to do any work on the power grid for another couple of months.”
John cocked a questioning eyebrow as Rodney reached for his radio.
“Radek?” Rodney said. “You in the lab? What's going on?”
“Rodney?” came Radek's immediate reply. “I'm not sure. I've just got to the lab and am reviewing the problem, but we seem to be experiencing some fairly large fluctuations in the power grid.”
“Yes,” Rodney replied sarcastically. “Surprisingly enough, that hadn't escaped my notice. Have you been able to pin-point the source?”
“Not yet, Rodney,” Radek replied, sounding ever so slightly harassed. “We've got warning signals flashing up from everywhere at the moment and I haven't yet had time to track each one. I-”
“Okay,” Rodney replied, cutting Radek off. He glanced over at John, who was frowning into space. “Look, I'm with Sheppard at the moment - just let me get him back to the infirmary and then I'll be with you. I take it nothing major's been affected yet - ZPM, the CPU, the gate?”
“No, Rodney, they all seem to be fine at the moment.”
“Good, then I'll see you in a few.” The lights flickered again as he snapped his radio connection closed. It buzzed into life almost immediately as Elizabeth's voice sounded in his ear.
“Rodney?” she asked.
“Yes, I'm on it,” he replied quickly. “Power fluctuations - nothing serious yet, but Radek and I will let you know when we've got more information.” Closing his radio connection once again, Rodney turned back to John. “Come on, let's get to the infirmary - the sooner Carson checks you out the sooner you can get back to helping me out with messes like this.”
But John's wasn't listening to Rodney anymore. He was standing in the middle of the corridor with his head tilted to one side and an expression of intent concentration on his face, just as he had the previous day.
“Hey,” Rodney said softly, reaching out to touch John's arm. “What's up?”
John jumped a little as Rodney touched him, his gaze seeking Rodney's out, his eyes wide and a little unfocused. He frowned and opened his mouth as if trying to speak but, like before, no words were forthcoming. He snapped his mouth closed with an audible click and turned away with a huff on annoyance, striding down the corridor at a fast pace.
Rodney blinked and shook his head, at a loss to explain John's actions. The sound of John clearing his throat irritably brought Rodney back to himself and he hurried to catch up to him, waiting at the entrance to the transporter. John ushered Rodney in ahead of him with a jerk of his head and then selected the button that would take them to the main lab.
“Um,” Rodney said. “Thanks for the show of support and all, but I really do think you should go to the infirmary.” He pressed the appropriate button, aware that John was positively bristling beside him. “Look, I know you want to come help,” he said, turning towards John and spreading his hands out in a placating manner. “I know, but we can handle this - it's probably just one of the power nodes on the fritz, nothing to worry about, okay?”
John shook his head violently, reaching up to touch the red patch on his temple where the implant had been embedded. He then pointed up towards the roof and then tapped his head again, his eyes willing Rodney to understand him.
“What?” Rodney asked. “I don't understand - your head? The implant? What?”
John shook his head again, his shoulders drooping as he let out a sigh of resignation.
“I'm sorry, John,” Rodney apologized, “but I don't understand. Do the power fluctuations have something to do with the implant?”
John shook his head and shrugged, looking both irritated and disgruntled, but more, Rodney thought, at the situation than at Rodney himself. The transporter doors slid open, revealing the corridor leading to the infirmary and, as if on cue, the lights flickered again. John glared up at them and then looked back at Rodney. He shook his head slowly.
Rodney sighed. “Okay, okay, you think there's more to it - I get that,” he said. “And you might well be right, but you'll be of no use to anyone if Carson gets wind of you going AWOL and decides to confine you to the infirmary.”
John put his hands on his hips and glared at Rodney.
Rodney rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “You can't even talk, for chrisssakes,” he said impatiently. “And you obviously haven't regained all your memories if you think you can out-glare me.”
John snorted at that and ducked his head at Rodney, conceding the point.
“Just go get checked out,” Rodney said. “I promise I will keep you up-to-date on what we find, okay?”
John looked at Rodney consideringly, but then nodded slowly in agreement.
“Good,” Rodney said. “Come on, then. Let's get you to Carson.”
But before he could step out of the transporter, John stopped him by placing a hand on his chest. Rodney looked up in surprise to see John shaking his head again. Pointing a finger to his chest he then gestured over his shoulder towards the infirmary with his thumb. Next he pointed to Rodney and then to the transporter button for the labs. Finally, he pointed again to Rodney and then to his own ear, as if gesturing towards his now-absent radio.
“Okay, fine,” Rodney replied with a grin. “I'll go straight to the labs and see what's going on. And,” he continued as John caught hold of his arm. “I will, of course, keep you posted. Okay?”
John nodded and stepped out of the transporter, squeezing Rodney's arm affectionately as he did so. As the transporter continued down to the labs, Rodney found himself smiling down at the place on his arm that was still warm from John's touch. Even the flickering lights that greeted him as he left the transporter and the doorway to the lab that refused to open to him on his first few attempts weren't quite enough to dampen his spirits.
****
Less than an hour later, however, and spirits all round were well and truly dampened. They'd managed to identify ten places where Atlantis' power-grid had been compromised, the casing containing the fine fiber cables that carried the ZPM-generated power throughout the city having been almost completely shorn through. As a result, they continued to suffer power fluctuations, the lights and computer terminals flickering off and then back on again with increasing regularity.
“Sabotage?” Lorne asked, peering worriedly up at the flickering display screen on which the damaged areas had been highlighted in red. “Do you think we have an intruder in the city?”
“Doubtful,” Rodney replied dismissively, not looking up from his computer terminal, determined to get as much out of it as he could before it lost power again. Part of him was grateful that Lorne was here as it meant that he hadn't had to stop what he was doing in order to sit in a meeting, but a far larger part of him was irritated by these interruptions to his work. He frowned down at his latest set of useless scans before huffing and setting up a new sensor sweep, cursing under his breath when he lost power mid-way through a particularly complicated line of code.
“How can you be so sure?” Lorne pressed. “We should instigate a search, just in case.”
“We can be sure because of the positioning,” Radek replied quickly, obviously having spotted that Rodney was reaching the end of his tether. “Several of the damaged areas are almost completely inaccessible and do little actual damage to the city. If we were truly under attack, the attackers would certainly have chosen more strategically advantageous sites to target.”
“Okay, so what else could it be?” Lorne pressed.
“Where's Esposito?” Rodney asked suddenly. “How long does it take to run a simple biological comparison, for crying out loud?”
“Much longer than we anticipated,” came the reply as a rather harassed looking Esposito came through the door with Morris at her heels. “The samples kept eating through the equipment.”
“What do you mean 'eating'?” Rodney asked, frowning over at the pair of them. “Is it alive, is that what you're telling me?”
“It's the best explanation I've got, Rodney,” Esposito replied. “Morris and I have been trying to study this stuff since SGA-5 returned from P3M-T57, but we've had real difficulty managing to contain a sample for long enough to analyze it properly. From what we can tell, it's a biological agent of some kind - some sort of fairly basic parasitic life form.”
“Hmm,” Rodney hummed, looking up to study the schematics of the damaged areas, which flashed a few time before shutting off completely. “With a taste for our power grid, it would appear. Well, this is Pegasus, I suppose, and we've certainly come across stranger stuff.”
“We think it's going after a particular component in the casing material - the synthetic polymer perhaps,” Morris added. “That would explain why it first attacked SGA-5's weapons and then moved on to the power grid insulation once inside the city.” The display suddenly flared to life again and everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.
“You see here,” Esposito said, stepping up to the now-active display and indicating the power line that was most affected and tracing it back to its source. “It appears as though the source is the auxiliary labs where we were doing the first analyses of SGA-5's gear.”
Rodney nodded and looked across to Radek, who also seemed to be in agreement.
“Okay, you make a good case,” Rodney said. “Although,” he continued, glaring over at Morris. “I would infinitely prefer it if you would endeavor apply such logic to future situations in the field before you bring potentially harmful substances back to the city.”
Morris opened his mouth, presumably to utter some kind of denial, but Rodney beat him to it. “Suggestions?” he snapped.
Esposito and Morris were both silent and Rodney rolled his eyes.
“Let's see your results,” Radek said, holding out his hand for the pad Esposito was clutching. “Hopefully we can figure out from this what exactly we are dealing with and how best to stop it.”
****
“Oh, shit!” Rodney shouted the expletive a scant fifteen minutes after he and Radek had managed to forcibly eject everyone but Lorne from their lab so they could concentrate on working out a solution in peace.
“Rodney?” Radek said, scurrying over to Rodney's side. “What is it... Oh, do prdele,” he cursed under his breath.
“My thoughts exactly,” Rodney agreed. “We're screwed.”
“Guys? You're kinda making me nervous, here,” Lorne said from his seat across the table from Rodney.
“It's infected the ZPM chamber,” Rodney stated baldly.
“That doesn't sound good,” Lorne said, rising to his feet, his hand coming to rest automatically on the butt of the weapon in his thigh holster.
Rodney rolled his eyes. “No,” he replied. “It is, in fact, the exact opposite of good - in a
'we're all quite likely going to die an excruciatingly painful and entirely horrendous fiery death' kind of a way.”
“Can you pull the plug on the ZPM?” Lorne asked just as Rodney called up the system protocols and inputted the command to do just that.
“Let me see...” he said, initiating the shut-down procedure. Somewhat predictably, nothing happened. “Damn it, no. It's not responding,” he replied. “It's probably already suffered too much damage to shut-down remotely.
“So what now?” Lorne asked. “Do we need to evacuate?”
Rodney shook his head. “No, we're not there quite yet, although you should probably talk to Elizabeth and have people standing by just in case it comes to that.” He saw Lorne nod and turned to Radek. “You stay here and keep working - see if the others have turned up anything useful. I'll head down to the ZPM chamber and see whether I can disconnect it manually.”
As Radek and Lorne left to carry out their various tasks, Rodney started to gather up as many supplies as he thought he could reasonably carry with him, preparing to head down to the ZPM room. Suddenly, the doors to the lab burst open to reveal a rather disheveled and decidedly wild-eyed Sheppard.
“John?” Rodney started to say, but was interrupted by John rushing up to him and clutching his shoulders tightly, his mouth working frantically as if trying to tell Rodney something of vital importance.
“Sheppard!” Rodney shouted, grabbing John's shoulders in return and shaking him a little. “We've been through this - I can't understand you!”
John let out a noise that sounded very much like a growl and released his grip on Rodney's arms, taking a step back. He gave up on trying to communicate verbally and started on his little charades routine. Putting his hands together in front of him, he then violently pulled them apart, spreading his fingers wide as he did so, seemingly to indicate an explosion.
“Yes, yes, I know,” Rodney said. “The ZPM has been infected with some sort of biological agent that's eating through its casing. We think SGA-5 picked it up somehow during their last mission.” He frowned as he looked at John, who was nodding frantically and starting to wave his hands around again. “How did you know that?”
John closed his eyes briefly and shook his head, spreading his hands wide with the palms facing upwards as if at a loss of how to explain. He then repeated a series of motions which Rodney, by now, had come to recognize; first John pointed a finger to his temple and then up at the ceiling and then back down at his head.
“You're hearing something?” Rodney asked. “Someone is telling you what's happening?”
John nodded again, pointing up urgently to the ceiling as he did so. He then glanced around the lab and, spotting the city schematics still being displayed on the lab's main view-screen, pointed to them instead and then back to his head.
“Wait, the city's telling you what's wrong?” Rodney asked in amazement. “Really?”
John nodded, then frowned, then shook his head; all of which had Rodney frowning and shaking his own head in confusion.
“What? That made absolutely no sense whatsoever,” he huffed in exasperation.
John batted away his comment with a wave of his hands and then pointed towards the ZPM room on the city schematic, rolling his hand in a 'hurry up' gesture.
“Yes, yes,” Rodney said, picking up his bag and grabbing his laptop. “That was exactly where I was headed before I was interrupted.”
****
“Damn it,” Rodney cursed as he examined the casing that surrounded the ZPM. “No wonder we're losing power.” The ZPM chamber was almost completely worn through, all brown and cracked around the edges like a particularly strong acid had been split on it. As he inspected the damage, Rodney could see the glow of the ZPM itself emanating through the ruined casing. He shivered as he realized just how close the bacteria were to the ZPM itself - all that power, it would very likely destroy not only the city, but the entire planet if they couldn't stop it.
“I'm going to try the manual override,” he told John, moving back and kneeling down so he could access the control panel. His heart sank as he opened the hatch - the insides were a mess, brown sludge-like residue caked the crystals and the connections themselves were totally eaten away. “Fuck,” Rodney whispered, drawing back with a sigh and looking over at John.
John was doing his staring at the wall trick again, one hand half-raised and his eyes pressed tightly shut. Suddenly his eyes popped open and he clicked his fingers together once and then pumped his fist in a triumphant gesture.
“What?” Rodney asked, a brief flash of hope flaring within him as he found himself trusting in a last-minute Sheppard Hail Mary. “Have you got something?”
John nodded and crossed quickly over to the ZPM case, staring down at the damage intently.
“Well, what?” Rodney asked impatiently, getting to his feet and then moving to stare down at the ZPM chamber with John. “Cause we're on something of a deadline here.”
As if on cue, Rodney's radio flared to life and Lorne's voice came over the wire. “Rodney, how we doing?” he asked.
“Not now!” Rodney snapped, wincing when John shot him a look he knew well from the field - the one that said that he needed to keep his CO up to speed with what was happening, no matter what. “We need more time,” he amended quickly. “It doesn't look good down here, so start the evacuation procedures, but hold off on implementing them for the moment.”
“Roger that,” Lorne responded.
“Now, what?” Rodney demanded of John as the radio connection fell silent.
John beckoned Rodney closer, holding one hand over the damaged ZPM casing and then opening and closing his fist rapidly over and over again. He looked up at Rodney expectantly, his eyes pleading with Rodney to understand what he was trying to convey.
“John, I don't-” Rodney started to say, but John caught hold of his arms, pulling Rodney towards him and giving him a little shake.
“Okay, okay,” Rodney said, his hands coming up to make calming motions at John. “Show me again.”
John nodded and then pointed at the casing again, this time clearly indicating a patch where the microscopic bacteria still appeared to be eating away at the polymer.
“Okay,” Rodney said. “The bacteria, I get it.”
John nodded and then pointed up to one of the room's light fittings before pointing back down to the ZPM.
Rodney frowned. “Yes,” he said. “We already know that the bacteria is causing the power fluctuations.”
John shook his head vigorously, repeating the rapid open-and-close hand gesture over the patch of bacteria before raising his hand to draw a line over his throat.
“Wait, so what you're saying is that the light will-” but before Rodney could finish speaking, the doors to the ZPM chamber suddenly slammed closed with a tremendous bang. Both John and Rodney started, turning to each other in confusion.
Then the lights went out.
“What the hell?!” Rodney said, spinning around to stare at the doors in astonishment while scrambling blindly in his pack for the flashlight he was certain he'd packed. “What now?”
With the door shut and the over-head lights off, the room was lit only by the eerie glow from the ZPM. At his side, John made a low rumble of anger. He was standing with his hands clenched into tight fists, his entire body radiating tension. His eyes were narrowed and he looked very dangerous all of a sudden. He started forward and stalked over to the door, placing his hand on it for a moment before turning back to Rodney. He shook his head slowly and then pointed to the place on his head where the implant had been, his expression grim.
Rodney reached up and tapped his radio. “Radek?” he called. “Do you know what's going on?”
“Rodney, I do not understand what is happening,” came Radek's reply. “Something is interfering with all the controls on your level, but I don't think it's related to the bacteria. As far as I can tell, it appears to be coming from Atlantis' CPU itself.”
“Well that's just great,” Rodney replied, finally managing to locate his flashlight. He made his way over to the panel by the door, popping off the cover and shining the beam of the flashlight into the interior. “What does it look like the CPU is doing?”
“It makes no sense,” Radek replied. “It is as if you have been completely cut off - no power whatsoever to either the level itself or any of the transporters that service it. Plus, all the blast doors have come down.”
“Just wonderful,” Rodney muttered, trying unsuccessfully to open the door manually. “That means we're stuck in here with the ZPM about to go critical.”
“You cannot disconnect it?” Radek asked sounding very concerned.
“No,” Rodney replied. “The connections are totally fried - no way it's budging, even if I could get out of here to get more equipment - which I can't because the door is equally stuck.”
Rodney slumped down into the wall beside the door and then slowly slid down to the floor, pulling the radio from his ear as he did so. “Oh, crap,” he said softly, raising his eyes to look at John. “We're going to die in here. Typical, I finally get my one perfect night with you, and now we're both going to die.”
Lost in his own misery, Rodney didn't notice John move until he was standing over him. Reaching down, John pulled him up off the floor, moving his hands so that he could hold Rodney tightly by the shoulders. Rodney forced himself to look up and found himself staring into John's eyes. John shook his head firmly, his eyes almost black in the dim yellow light from the ZPM, but the look of utter determination on his face was clearly visible.
Rodney took a deep breath, gathering strength from the reassuring touch of John's hands on his body and the look of conviction in John's eyes. “Okay,” he said, straightening up and sliding his radio back into place. “You're right; we don't give up. So... any ideas?”
John nodded again and stabbed a finger in the direction of the door and then tapped the red patch on his temple.
Rodney frowned. “What?” he asked. “The door and the implant. You mean they're connected somehow?”
John nodded, looking excited now that Rodney was finally correctly interpreting his actions.
“But how could they possibly... Oh my god, the transmission relay!” Rodney gasped as the bolt of inspiration struck. “You think it's the device - that, for some reason, it's connecting with Atlantis' CPU and shutting down this section.”
John nodded again. He made the meditation gesture from earlier and then tapped the center of his chest with his index finger and shook his head.
“It wants to make sure you ascend,” Rodney said as understanding slowly dawned. “So it's trying to prevent anything that might mean that you don't - anything that is helping you to hold on to your existence here.”
John nodded again. He licked his lips and took a deep breath, seeming to be gathering his strength. His lips moved and a single word, broken but still just about recognizable, emerged.
“Atlantis,” John said, breathing hard as if in pain. He pointed up towards the ceiling and then back down to his head. “Atlantis.”
“You mean that it's the city?” Rodney asked in amazement. “That Atlantis has been communicating with you all along? That's why you've been getting better.”
John nodded, sweat beading on his forehead from the effort of talking.
“Rodney? John? What is going on?” Radek sounded frantic. “Dr Weir and Major Lorne are with me. We need to know whether or not to evacuate the city.”
“Radek, you've got to destroy the Zolon device!” Rodney shouted into the radio. “It's what's accessed the CPU and shut down everything here.”
“What?” came the understandably confused response.
“Look,” Rodney said, aware that John was making hurry up motions with his hands. “John thinks he knows a way to stop the ZPM from blowing, but the device is attempting to stop us - it's trying to ensure that John ascends.”
“Rodney?” Radek asked again. “What do you-”
“Just do it!” Rodney interrupted with a shout. “Smash it, shoot it, blow it up - I don't care, just destroy it now so we can get on with things here and stop the ZPM from destroying us!”
The sound of a weapon firing echoed over the radio link and then Ronon's voice came over the wire.
“It's destroyed,” he said. And, as he spoke, the lights flickered back on around them.
“Right, so what now?” Rodney asked, turning to John and feeling slightly breathless. That was only one problem down and they still had a pretty damn big one to go. “The ZPM is still going to go critical if we can't find a way to stop the bacteria from eating through the protective casing.”
John grinned; it was the sort of grin that told Rodney that he had no need to worry - the one John had grinned as he pushed Rodney over the balcony, the one he'd grinned last night, just before he'd kissed Rodney. As Rodney watched, John lifted his hand pointing first at the ceiling and then at his head. Rodney found himself grinning in return.
“Okay then, gene-boy,” he said. “What does Atlantis say we should do?”
****
As it turned out, John's random flashy-hand charades over the ZPM chamber hadn't been such a bad explanation of the solution, Rodney thought to himself as he waved the black light over a particularly stubborn patch of bacteria, although his second attempt at acting out the solution had proved to be more effective. Now armed with specially augmented life-sign detectors, mercury-vapor UVC-emitting black lights and aided by Atlantis' advanced sensor sweeps, Rodney had teams combing every inch of the city and eradicating all signs of the bacterial infestation. They'd been fortunate, in a way, that things had panned out the way they had - the fact that the bacteria had managed to access the ZPM chamber had alerted them to the problem before the bacteria had managed to get too firm a grip on the city.
Doing a final check with his life-sign detector, Rodney ascertained that he'd finally managed to annihilate the bacteria on the length of power cable on which he'd been working. Thanks to John and his as yet unexplained connection to the city, they'd discovered that the bacteria, much like many Earth micro-organisms, could be sterilized using the short-wavelength ultra-violent light. The UV radiation destroyed the organism's nucleic acids and so disrupted their DNA and prevented their growth and reproduction.
“Okay, we're all clear here,” he said, waving over the engineering crew so they could get started on the repairs immediately. Although he and Radek had been able to re-route the power grid to avoid the affected areas, the faster they were back up to full capacity, the better.
Satisfied that the repair crew had things covered, Rodney slowly made his way to the next section to be scanned. It was a completely mundane task - identify an infested patch, expose the bacteria to the UVC, check with the detector and then repeat the process until the area was clear. It was also one that Rodney could have easily passed on to one of his minions, but he found himself quite happy to take part in the proceedings. It was calming to have something so mindless to do and it had the added benefit of giving him time to think. And, as was not at all unusual of late, his thoughts all revolved around one John Sheppard.
John was currently in the infirmary; to say that he'd been reluctant to go would be a vast understatement, but Carson had got that recalcitrant look of his and so there'd been no arguing with him. It wasn't that Rodney was avoiding John, not really, it was just that he'd felt it prudent to have at least some of his thoughts in order before seeing him again. He'd let things slip over the past couple of days - let himself become accustomed to the open and unfettered version of John and had allowed himself to respond in kind - and he was rather unsure of how John would react to what had passed between them once he'd recovered completely.
Upon reflection, Rodney decided that his best course of action was to act as if the past day or so simply hadn't happened. While he knew that their night together was something he would never forget, he seriously doubted that John would feel the same way. At least not now that he was once again in full possession of his faculties. And while this saddened Rodney, he knew better than to push John on things of a personal nature. Doing so would only result in John pulling away completely - he'd disappear behind that great impersonal wall he so loved to hide behind, and that was the very last thing Rodney wanted. No, far better to let things be - to act as he always had and be John's friend in public and hope that their more intimate encounters continued in private. To want more than that was both foolish and dangerous.
Besides which, it wasn't like he needed sappy declarations, not really. All he'd ever really wanted was some small indication that he meant as much to John as John did to him. And if it took John being mindwiped by some whacked out ascension device for him to show Rodney that, well then, that would just have to be enough.
****
John refrained mightily from kicking his heels against the side of the infirmary bed as he waited again to be cleared for duty. Carson and his team had been poking at him for hours during which time his ability to speak and answer questions had steadily improved, though there was still a moment’s hesitation before the words would come to him and even the suggestion of a stutter from time to time. He’d also been questioned by Elizabeth, in a friendly but curious sort of way, and by Dr. Heightmeyer, in a professional capacity. Elizabeth, at least, seemed to feel he was ready to go back to work in a few days, Kate and Carson were both more cautious in their estimation of his functionality. In the end, they seemed to be settling on restricted duty for two weeks. He was willing to agree to pretty much anything at this point, as long as they let him out of the infirmary soon.
Rodney, he knew, was working with other teams to eradicate the strange, alien organism from all the sensitive equipment and overseeing the repair process. He might not surface again for days, which was fine by John. He felt a moment of amusement, recalling his efforts at trying to convey the solution to Rodney and the ‘eureka’ moment when Rodney had finally got it. John had mimed being under the broiling sun and then had done a very passable (if he said so himself) imitation of Rodney liberally applying his own, patented sunscreen before Rodney had figured out that UV radiation would destroy the metal-eating bacteria. After that, it had been a matter of determining the best spectrum and length of time to lethally irradiate the bacteria without it also proving fatal to the members of the expedition. There had also been the whole side issue of how the light spectrum on P3M-357 had suppressed the bacteria until the gate team had returned to Atlantis, whereby the bacteria had begun to both feed and multiply at an exponential rate. John had left those details up to the geeks. After he’d conveyed the information to Rodney, he’d sat back and watched with satisfaction as the entire expedition mobilized under Rodney’s direction to start containing the bacterial invasion.
He felt a slight sense of satisfaction radiating from the city as well, but recognized that his deeper connection with the city was already fading, even as his own verbal skills improved and the device’s grip on his mind diminished to nothingness. There was a sense of loss that was hard to explain, as well as a sense of support and comfort from what he’d come to think of as his city.
He shook off such foolish thoughts. Next thing he knew, he’d be talking to the jumpers, for crying out loud.
“Good news, Colonel,” Carson said cheerfully as he approached with the latest test results in hand. “I’m officially releasing you now.”
John nodded, still reluctant to talk if the effort wasn’t required.
“Tell me, what was it like, not being able to speak?” Carson’s question made him pause as he hopped off the bed and prepared to leave.
The obvious, easy answer came to his lips almost immediately, but he still hesitated before giving it. “Frustrating,” he said, watching Carson nod in agreement before adding, “and interesting.”
“Interesting how?” Carson’s face shone with the light of someone who really wanted to know and John realized that, for Carson, this was no different than a technological puzzle for Rodney to solve or a cool, new machine for John to fly.
John took his time to speak precisely. “Because it was so hard to communicate an idea, I really had to think about what I wanted to say and how to say it. That really makes you pare things down to the basics, the stuff that’s really important.”
Carson seemed to consider that for a moment before nodding again. “I can see your point. Pity that more people aren’t forced to think before they speak.”
“Aw, doc,” John drawled after a bit, “then we’d all be Teyla.”
It was very satisfying to hear Carson’s delighted laugh.
Finally released from the infirmary and realizing it was near midday and he’d not eaten since the day before, John made his way rather hurriedly towards the mess hall. The room was not as crowded as he'd expected, until he realized that most of the expedition was pulling extra shifts, either in bacteria-eradication or repairs.
He spotted Teyla, sitting at her favorite table near one of the large windows with a view of the sea. He took his tray over to her table with what he hoped was a casual air as he sat down across from her.
“John,” she smiled. “Am I to understand that you’ve been released from the infirmary?”
Because it was habit, John confirmed her statement with a half-smile and a half-shrug.
She lifted a steaming cup of Athosian tea to her lips to sip it gracefully. “And you?” she said when she’d lowered her mug. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine,” he said, the words coming more easily than he’d expected. He took an enthusiastic bite out of his not-quite-beef sandwich, appreciating the naturally salty taste of the meat and savoring the cheese and tomato that went with it.
Teyla smiled serenely at him. “You sound well. I am pleased. When will you be allowed to return to duty?”
John made a face. “Two weeks,” he said, wishing for a cold beer.
“It will pass sooner than you think,” Teyla remarked smoothly. Funny, that she could say something so similar to Kate Heightmeyer and from Teyla it always sounded wise and reasonable, whereas from Kate it sounded practiced and formulaic.
“What did you learn from your experience, John?” Teyla added, just as he’d taken another bite from his sandwich.
He chewed thoughtfully and swallowed. “Next time, let Rodney take the fall for his crimes.”
Teyla’s smile said she didn’t believe him. He felt his mouth twitch as he smiled in return. “Rodney was very distraught over the punishment meted out to you by the Zolon,” Teyla said, taking a delicate bite of some sort of quiche-like food item on her plate. “He was determined to recover both you and the device, despite Elizabeth’s warnings to the contrary.”
“He was just feeling guilty,” John said lightly, taking a swig from his bottle of water, eyes on Teyla as he spoke.
“Perhaps,” Teyla agreed quietly before lifting her dark eyes to stare directly into John’s. “Or perhaps he really cares about you.”
“Oh c’mon, Teyla,” John protested. “We all care about each other. We’re a team, right?” He flashed back briefly to the time when team and family were indistinguishable to him and he wondered when he’d allowed these people to sneak under his radar when he’d sworn on the blood of fallen comrades that he’d never feel that way about anyone again.
Teyla gave him her pitying smile, which irritated the hell out of him.
“I believe what is between you and Rodney is more than just the love one has for a team member,” she said sweetly, seemingly oblivious to his anger. “What is more important however, is whether Rodney knows how you feel. Does he?” She tilted her head at him in question and he felt his heart sink.
“I don’t even know how I feel,” he protested.
“I believe that you do, John. You simply choose to ignore that fact.” Teyla’s glance was piercing, and John suddenly felt small and somehow at fault for disappointing her. Damn, she was good.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed.
“That is a start,” Teyla said in her usual, oracle-like fashion, which left him thinking that he did know what to do next, but then not being completely certain of how to proceed.
He needed to go find Rodney; of that he was sure.
****
There were no surprises when he finally ran Rodney to earth. He’d started out at the main science lab and then had followed the radio communiqués until he’d found Rodney, weary and strung out from too many hours on his feet without food, and ushered him into the mess hall for some necessary calories. Rodney had eaten mechanically; responding to John’s stilted questions and then plunging back deep into thought, into a headspace where John had to compete for Rodney’s attention. It was both an unsettling and familiar feeling.
After John had ascertained that Rodney’s hands-on expertise could be dispensed with for a few hours, he’d quietly marshaled Rodney back to his own quarters for a rest. The scary thing was that Rodney went without much protest, making John worried for his well-being.
Rodney had just toed his shoes off and thrown himself down on his bed when he spoke, halting John in his furtive escape towards the door.
“So we’re good, right?” Rodney said, face-down into his pillow, his words muffled. “Just like before, right?”
John started to automatically agree, but then he hesitated. He waited so long that Rodney lifted his head in concern. He found himself trying to hastily fill the empty space between them. “Sure, we’re good, Rodney.” His voice was still rusty from disuse.
“Good,” Rodney said, allowing himself to flop back down to the bed, relief evident in his voice.
John stared down at Rodney’s inert form, recalling with vivid clarity how, just the night before, Rodney had strived to maximize in John the height of sensation, for no other reason but that it brought John pleasure. His cock pulsed briefly in sympathy and John knew an intense moment of longing as he continued to stare at Rodney.
Shit, he was so screwed.
“No,” he said suddenly. “Not like before.”
Rodney stiffened where he lay for a brief moment and then rolled over onto his back. “Okay, not like before. Then like what?”
God, this was killing him. John ran a hand in a disturbed manner through his hair, trying to ignore the way Rodney was watching him through half-slit eyes. Even as John floundered for words, Rodney closed his eyes, a small, tight expression on his face.
“Right. Never mind. Forget I asked.” Rodney flapped a weary hand in John’s direction.
“No, it’s just…just give me a sec, okay?” John almost growled out the words, but Rodney opened his eyes again, looking slightly hopeful. John sighed and went over to Rodney’s desk to snag his chair, returning to reverse it in front of the bed so he could straddle it backwards as he tried to marshal his thoughts into coherent sentences. Rodney propped himself up on one elbow, interest apparently overcoming exhaustion.
“Okay, this is h-h-hard for me,” John began, only to see Rodney’s face light up with a snappy retort. John could tell that Rodney was about to make some comment about his inability to talk about anything personal not being something new and John could feel himself tensing up in anticipation. Rodney, however, read something in his posture that kept him silent. He raised a hand in a gesture of ‘pax’ and looked in what he probably hoped was an encouraging manner at John, but which came across as a smirk instead.
John folded his forearms along the top of the chair. “Back on Zolon, I had no idea who I was or how I’d gotten there-no memories at all of any time before I woke up in the field camp.”
Rodney’s smirk faded. He opened his mouth to speak, no doubt to apologize again, but John cut him off with a sharp, negative jerk of a hand. “Just hear me out, okay?”
Rodney nodded, a small frown between his eyes, the corners of his mouth pulled down in unhappiness. He gave a sigh, blowing air nosily through his lips and John had to suppress a smile at the thought of a speechless Rodney. Thank goodness they’d all been spared that.
“As time went by though, I had little flashes of memory, most of which didn’t mean anything to me. But you were the first person I remembered, even if it took me a while to recall your name.”
Rodney’s face took on the same pleased expression he’d had when they’d discovered the personal shield and he’d thought himself invulnerable. He sat silently, expectantly, not certain if John had finished what he had to say.
He could stop here, John knew. He really didn’t have to say anything more; he knew Rodney got it. John could just leave it at that and they could go on as before, perhaps with a little more give and take on each other’s part, but still essentially the same.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell Rodney how he felt about him. It was just that it made him feel so exposed and he’d spent the last twenty years learning how to shore up his defenses, not give someone the key to the city. But Rodney deserved more than that. He deserved to know.
This really was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life.
“What I’m saying is that you’re…very important to me. Perhaps the most important person in my life.” There. He’d said it. He folded his lips in a thin line, as though to keep any more traitorous words from spilling out across them. He dropped his eyes to study his hands silently as he waited for Rodney’s reaction.
Rodney remained still, frowning at John for so long that he began to replay his last sentences in his head, coming to the realization that his statement of Rodney’s ‘importance’ was still pretty lame as declarations of feelings went and Rodney was well within his rights to decide that the best that John could give wasn’t enough.
And then Rodney’s mouth twitched, and an eyebrow slowly and sardonically lifted. “You are so pathetic, you know that, right?”
John felt his face close off. The tips of his ears felt like they were burning with a sudden flare of heat and he stiffened where he sat in his chair. He would have risen to his feet and left the room, except that there was an air of poorly suppressed glee about Rodney.
“Did you ace the part of flyboy school where you had to withhold secrets under the pain of torture? Because you are really, really good at that, Sheppard.”
John lifted his gaze sharply to stare at Rodney, who grinned back as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. “You are such a dork.”
“Unlike you,” John said dryly. “You’d spill your guts and all your personal secrets if someone merely threatened you with torture.”
“Yup,” Rodney said cheerfully. “At least two Genii and half a dozen Wraith know how I feel about you.”
John must have allowed a look a horror cross his face because Rodney snorted and stood up. “Relax, they’re hardly in a position to go running to the US military, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
John stood up as well, rising to his feet easily and then slowly uncoiling himself from the chair and pushing it to one side. “Hiding who I am has become a habit, Rodney,” he said quietly, half-ashamed of the fact.
“Every aspect, I’d say,” Rodney agreed tartly. His face softened and he reached out to give John a friendly push on the shoulder. “I’ve gotten used to it. It was just nice, you know? Seeing you so open and relaxed for a change. But long-term?” Rodney gave a mock shudder. “It would just be too creepy.”
John made a face and pushed Rodney back, in a not-so-friendly fashion.
“I mean, god forbid, you might get all squishy on me,” Rodney shot him an evil, crooked smile.
“Squishy,” John said dangerously.
Rodney nodded. “Yup. Squishy. And sentimental. I mean, you might start decorating the place with those big Athosian candles and some sparkly metallic thread curtains.”
“Teyla gave both of those to me, what was I supposed to do? Tell her the candles and the curtains were too girly for me?” Rodney laughed and ducked as John swatted at him.
“Next thing I know, you’ll be wanting to set up a meditation mat in my room…”
“Bite your tongue!” John snarled, leaping forward in an attempt to cover Rodney’s laughing mouth with one hand, the force of his forward momentum carrying both of them backwards a step.
“I’d rather bite yours,” Rodney said breathlessly, still laughing and John found himself staring back into Rodney’s expectant blue eyes.
John’s hand shifted of its own accord to cup the back of Rodney’s head as he kissed him, feeling the smile on Rodney’s lips curve and change into something more hungry. John opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, trying to put everything into his actions that he could not put into words and he felt himself smile when Rodney moaned just a little.
And he snorted when Rodney broke off to give a prodigious, jaw-cracking yawn. “Sorry,” Rodney mumbled, a little shamefacedly.
John ignored him to walk Rodney backwards towards his bed. He let John push him down on the mattress. John bent down to lift Rodney’s feet and swing them up onto the bed while Rodney yawned again, trying unsuccessfully to mask it. He began to pull up at the hem of his shirt, but John stopped him with a hand on his arm.
“A kiss is not always a prelude to sex, you know.”
“It’s not? Damn,” Rodney said in mock disappointment, but he was smiling when John walked back from the closet with a spare blanket to toss over him. His eyelids kept closing, only to reopen a second later and sag shut again. “Can’t sleep long, gotta get back to the repairs.”
“Cat nap only,” John agreed. “I’ll wake you in twenty.”
Those expressive blue eyes flew open when Rodney felt John climb onto the bed alongside him. Rodney stared at him for such a long moment that John finally felt compelled to say, “What?”
Rodney closed his eyes then, a huge smile on his face. “You so better be intending to take off those boots if you plan to stay in this bed,” he said.
“How could I forget?” John drawled.
~fin~
Dumbstruck part 2 is here.
Dumbstruck part 3 is here.
Dumbstruck
Part Four
Rodney found himself sneaking little glances at John as they made their way towards the infirmary, checking for any indication that something was wrong. Despite his worries, John looked fine - good even - walking at Rodney's side with his familiar long-limbed swagger firmly in place. Rodney took a deep breath and told himself to relax. After all, John had remembered - things were going to be okay.
Despite this, Rodney was feeling more than a little off-balance. Last night had been... Well, unexpected to say the least. Of course, Rodney had been fully aware that something was likely to happen between them once they'd been left alone together for the night, but he never would have anticipated events to unfold as they had. For John to be so open, so giving, so loving... it was, well, simply incredible. In fact, it had been everything Rodney had ever wanted from their relationship.
It wasn't that John hadn't always been a generous lover, far from it, but last night had marked a definite change in the dynamic of their relationship. All their previous encounters had occurred beneath the long shadow of DADT and Rodney had never before been able to quite shake the feeling that John was with him despite himself. It wasn't that he ever doubted that John wanted him, desired him, or even cared for him, but more that he'd always got the impression that John himself had felt that he was weak somehow for doing so - that by being with Rodney and breaking part of his military code - albeit one that was simply ridiculous - he was nevertheless breaking his oath.
But not last night, Rodney thought, casting another small glance in John's direction and feeling himself flush slightly when his gaze met John's. Last night there'd been no shadow, no guilt and no shame. Last night had been just the two of them - John and Rodney, free from all restraints and strictures. It had been perfect.
Yet things seemed to have shifted again this morning; John's openness of the night before giving way to his usual state of reserve. Rodney sighed and shook his head, resigning himself to the fact that he was never going to truly understand what went on in John's head. As they turned the corner on the way to the transporter, he felt John's shoulder brush against his. It could have been nothing more than an accident, but when Rodney looked over at John again, John repeated the action, bumping his shoulder against Rodney's and then grinning at him. Rodney snorted, recognizing a Sheppard-style apology when he saw one, and bumped John back, feeling his own smile bloom in response. Even if all that happened was that they returned to their previous relationship - friends who occasionally fucked - Rodney knew he'd always have that one night with John as something more. And that he'd always have John as his friend, even if they were destined never to be anything more.
It happened as they approached the transporter - it wasn't much at first, no more than a faint flicker, gone almost before it had begun, but it was enough. Both John and Rodney stopped walking immediately, turning to each other with matching expressions of concern. They waited for a few beats, eyes slowly rising to the light fittings running along the length of the corridor. Several minutes passed and Rodney was just starting to think that maybe they'd both managed to imagine it when it happened again. This time it wasn't just the lights, the control panel on the transporter flickered too.
“That's not supposed to happen,” Rodney said. “We're not due to do any work on the power grid for another couple of months.”
John cocked a questioning eyebrow as Rodney reached for his radio.
“Radek?” Rodney said. “You in the lab? What's going on?”
“Rodney?” came Radek's immediate reply. “I'm not sure. I've just got to the lab and am reviewing the problem, but we seem to be experiencing some fairly large fluctuations in the power grid.”
“Yes,” Rodney replied sarcastically. “Surprisingly enough, that hadn't escaped my notice. Have you been able to pin-point the source?”
“Not yet, Rodney,” Radek replied, sounding ever so slightly harassed. “We've got warning signals flashing up from everywhere at the moment and I haven't yet had time to track each one. I-”
“Okay,” Rodney replied, cutting Radek off. He glanced over at John, who was frowning into space. “Look, I'm with Sheppard at the moment - just let me get him back to the infirmary and then I'll be with you. I take it nothing major's been affected yet - ZPM, the CPU, the gate?”
“No, Rodney, they all seem to be fine at the moment.”
“Good, then I'll see you in a few.” The lights flickered again as he snapped his radio connection closed. It buzzed into life almost immediately as Elizabeth's voice sounded in his ear.
“Rodney?” she asked.
“Yes, I'm on it,” he replied quickly. “Power fluctuations - nothing serious yet, but Radek and I will let you know when we've got more information.” Closing his radio connection once again, Rodney turned back to John. “Come on, let's get to the infirmary - the sooner Carson checks you out the sooner you can get back to helping me out with messes like this.”
But John's wasn't listening to Rodney anymore. He was standing in the middle of the corridor with his head tilted to one side and an expression of intent concentration on his face, just as he had the previous day.
“Hey,” Rodney said softly, reaching out to touch John's arm. “What's up?”
John jumped a little as Rodney touched him, his gaze seeking Rodney's out, his eyes wide and a little unfocused. He frowned and opened his mouth as if trying to speak but, like before, no words were forthcoming. He snapped his mouth closed with an audible click and turned away with a huff on annoyance, striding down the corridor at a fast pace.
Rodney blinked and shook his head, at a loss to explain John's actions. The sound of John clearing his throat irritably brought Rodney back to himself and he hurried to catch up to him, waiting at the entrance to the transporter. John ushered Rodney in ahead of him with a jerk of his head and then selected the button that would take them to the main lab.
“Um,” Rodney said. “Thanks for the show of support and all, but I really do think you should go to the infirmary.” He pressed the appropriate button, aware that John was positively bristling beside him. “Look, I know you want to come help,” he said, turning towards John and spreading his hands out in a placating manner. “I know, but we can handle this - it's probably just one of the power nodes on the fritz, nothing to worry about, okay?”
John shook his head violently, reaching up to touch the red patch on his temple where the implant had been embedded. He then pointed up towards the roof and then tapped his head again, his eyes willing Rodney to understand him.
“What?” Rodney asked. “I don't understand - your head? The implant? What?”
John shook his head again, his shoulders drooping as he let out a sigh of resignation.
“I'm sorry, John,” Rodney apologized, “but I don't understand. Do the power fluctuations have something to do with the implant?”
John shook his head and shrugged, looking both irritated and disgruntled, but more, Rodney thought, at the situation than at Rodney himself. The transporter doors slid open, revealing the corridor leading to the infirmary and, as if on cue, the lights flickered again. John glared up at them and then looked back at Rodney. He shook his head slowly.
Rodney sighed. “Okay, okay, you think there's more to it - I get that,” he said. “And you might well be right, but you'll be of no use to anyone if Carson gets wind of you going AWOL and decides to confine you to the infirmary.”
John put his hands on his hips and glared at Rodney.
Rodney rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “You can't even talk, for chrisssakes,” he said impatiently. “And you obviously haven't regained all your memories if you think you can out-glare me.”
John snorted at that and ducked his head at Rodney, conceding the point.
“Just go get checked out,” Rodney said. “I promise I will keep you up-to-date on what we find, okay?”
John looked at Rodney consideringly, but then nodded slowly in agreement.
“Good,” Rodney said. “Come on, then. Let's get you to Carson.”
But before he could step out of the transporter, John stopped him by placing a hand on his chest. Rodney looked up in surprise to see John shaking his head again. Pointing a finger to his chest he then gestured over his shoulder towards the infirmary with his thumb. Next he pointed to Rodney and then to the transporter button for the labs. Finally, he pointed again to Rodney and then to his own ear, as if gesturing towards his now-absent radio.
“Okay, fine,” Rodney replied with a grin. “I'll go straight to the labs and see what's going on. And,” he continued as John caught hold of his arm. “I will, of course, keep you posted. Okay?”
John nodded and stepped out of the transporter, squeezing Rodney's arm affectionately as he did so. As the transporter continued down to the labs, Rodney found himself smiling down at the place on his arm that was still warm from John's touch. Even the flickering lights that greeted him as he left the transporter and the doorway to the lab that refused to open to him on his first few attempts weren't quite enough to dampen his spirits.
****
Less than an hour later, however, and spirits all round were well and truly dampened. They'd managed to identify ten places where Atlantis' power-grid had been compromised, the casing containing the fine fiber cables that carried the ZPM-generated power throughout the city having been almost completely shorn through. As a result, they continued to suffer power fluctuations, the lights and computer terminals flickering off and then back on again with increasing regularity.
“Sabotage?” Lorne asked, peering worriedly up at the flickering display screen on which the damaged areas had been highlighted in red. “Do you think we have an intruder in the city?”
“Doubtful,” Rodney replied dismissively, not looking up from his computer terminal, determined to get as much out of it as he could before it lost power again. Part of him was grateful that Lorne was here as it meant that he hadn't had to stop what he was doing in order to sit in a meeting, but a far larger part of him was irritated by these interruptions to his work. He frowned down at his latest set of useless scans before huffing and setting up a new sensor sweep, cursing under his breath when he lost power mid-way through a particularly complicated line of code.
“How can you be so sure?” Lorne pressed. “We should instigate a search, just in case.”
“We can be sure because of the positioning,” Radek replied quickly, obviously having spotted that Rodney was reaching the end of his tether. “Several of the damaged areas are almost completely inaccessible and do little actual damage to the city. If we were truly under attack, the attackers would certainly have chosen more strategically advantageous sites to target.”
“Okay, so what else could it be?” Lorne pressed.
“Where's Esposito?” Rodney asked suddenly. “How long does it take to run a simple biological comparison, for crying out loud?”
“Much longer than we anticipated,” came the reply as a rather harassed looking Esposito came through the door with Morris at her heels. “The samples kept eating through the equipment.”
“What do you mean 'eating'?” Rodney asked, frowning over at the pair of them. “Is it alive, is that what you're telling me?”
“It's the best explanation I've got, Rodney,” Esposito replied. “Morris and I have been trying to study this stuff since SGA-5 returned from P3M-T57, but we've had real difficulty managing to contain a sample for long enough to analyze it properly. From what we can tell, it's a biological agent of some kind - some sort of fairly basic parasitic life form.”
“Hmm,” Rodney hummed, looking up to study the schematics of the damaged areas, which flashed a few time before shutting off completely. “With a taste for our power grid, it would appear. Well, this is Pegasus, I suppose, and we've certainly come across stranger stuff.”
“We think it's going after a particular component in the casing material - the synthetic polymer perhaps,” Morris added. “That would explain why it first attacked SGA-5's weapons and then moved on to the power grid insulation once inside the city.” The display suddenly flared to life again and everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.
“You see here,” Esposito said, stepping up to the now-active display and indicating the power line that was most affected and tracing it back to its source. “It appears as though the source is the auxiliary labs where we were doing the first analyses of SGA-5's gear.”
Rodney nodded and looked across to Radek, who also seemed to be in agreement.
“Okay, you make a good case,” Rodney said. “Although,” he continued, glaring over at Morris. “I would infinitely prefer it if you would endeavor apply such logic to future situations in the field before you bring potentially harmful substances back to the city.”
Morris opened his mouth, presumably to utter some kind of denial, but Rodney beat him to it. “Suggestions?” he snapped.
Esposito and Morris were both silent and Rodney rolled his eyes.
“Let's see your results,” Radek said, holding out his hand for the pad Esposito was clutching. “Hopefully we can figure out from this what exactly we are dealing with and how best to stop it.”
****
“Oh, shit!” Rodney shouted the expletive a scant fifteen minutes after he and Radek had managed to forcibly eject everyone but Lorne from their lab so they could concentrate on working out a solution in peace.
“Rodney?” Radek said, scurrying over to Rodney's side. “What is it... Oh, do prdele,” he cursed under his breath.
“My thoughts exactly,” Rodney agreed. “We're screwed.”
“Guys? You're kinda making me nervous, here,” Lorne said from his seat across the table from Rodney.
“It's infected the ZPM chamber,” Rodney stated baldly.
“That doesn't sound good,” Lorne said, rising to his feet, his hand coming to rest automatically on the butt of the weapon in his thigh holster.
Rodney rolled his eyes. “No,” he replied. “It is, in fact, the exact opposite of good - in a
'we're all quite likely going to die an excruciatingly painful and entirely horrendous fiery death' kind of a way.”
“Can you pull the plug on the ZPM?” Lorne asked just as Rodney called up the system protocols and inputted the command to do just that.
“Let me see...” he said, initiating the shut-down procedure. Somewhat predictably, nothing happened. “Damn it, no. It's not responding,” he replied. “It's probably already suffered too much damage to shut-down remotely.
“So what now?” Lorne asked. “Do we need to evacuate?”
Rodney shook his head. “No, we're not there quite yet, although you should probably talk to Elizabeth and have people standing by just in case it comes to that.” He saw Lorne nod and turned to Radek. “You stay here and keep working - see if the others have turned up anything useful. I'll head down to the ZPM chamber and see whether I can disconnect it manually.”
As Radek and Lorne left to carry out their various tasks, Rodney started to gather up as many supplies as he thought he could reasonably carry with him, preparing to head down to the ZPM room. Suddenly, the doors to the lab burst open to reveal a rather disheveled and decidedly wild-eyed Sheppard.
“John?” Rodney started to say, but was interrupted by John rushing up to him and clutching his shoulders tightly, his mouth working frantically as if trying to tell Rodney something of vital importance.
“Sheppard!” Rodney shouted, grabbing John's shoulders in return and shaking him a little. “We've been through this - I can't understand you!”
John let out a noise that sounded very much like a growl and released his grip on Rodney's arms, taking a step back. He gave up on trying to communicate verbally and started on his little charades routine. Putting his hands together in front of him, he then violently pulled them apart, spreading his fingers wide as he did so, seemingly to indicate an explosion.
“Yes, yes, I know,” Rodney said. “The ZPM has been infected with some sort of biological agent that's eating through its casing. We think SGA-5 picked it up somehow during their last mission.” He frowned as he looked at John, who was nodding frantically and starting to wave his hands around again. “How did you know that?”
John closed his eyes briefly and shook his head, spreading his hands wide with the palms facing upwards as if at a loss of how to explain. He then repeated a series of motions which Rodney, by now, had come to recognize; first John pointed a finger to his temple and then up at the ceiling and then back down at his head.
“You're hearing something?” Rodney asked. “Someone is telling you what's happening?”
John nodded again, pointing up urgently to the ceiling as he did so. He then glanced around the lab and, spotting the city schematics still being displayed on the lab's main view-screen, pointed to them instead and then back to his head.
“Wait, the city's telling you what's wrong?” Rodney asked in amazement. “Really?”
John nodded, then frowned, then shook his head; all of which had Rodney frowning and shaking his own head in confusion.
“What? That made absolutely no sense whatsoever,” he huffed in exasperation.
John batted away his comment with a wave of his hands and then pointed towards the ZPM room on the city schematic, rolling his hand in a 'hurry up' gesture.
“Yes, yes,” Rodney said, picking up his bag and grabbing his laptop. “That was exactly where I was headed before I was interrupted.”
****
“Damn it,” Rodney cursed as he examined the casing that surrounded the ZPM. “No wonder we're losing power.” The ZPM chamber was almost completely worn through, all brown and cracked around the edges like a particularly strong acid had been split on it. As he inspected the damage, Rodney could see the glow of the ZPM itself emanating through the ruined casing. He shivered as he realized just how close the bacteria were to the ZPM itself - all that power, it would very likely destroy not only the city, but the entire planet if they couldn't stop it.
“I'm going to try the manual override,” he told John, moving back and kneeling down so he could access the control panel. His heart sank as he opened the hatch - the insides were a mess, brown sludge-like residue caked the crystals and the connections themselves were totally eaten away. “Fuck,” Rodney whispered, drawing back with a sigh and looking over at John.
John was doing his staring at the wall trick again, one hand half-raised and his eyes pressed tightly shut. Suddenly his eyes popped open and he clicked his fingers together once and then pumped his fist in a triumphant gesture.
“What?” Rodney asked, a brief flash of hope flaring within him as he found himself trusting in a last-minute Sheppard Hail Mary. “Have you got something?”
John nodded and crossed quickly over to the ZPM case, staring down at the damage intently.
“Well, what?” Rodney asked impatiently, getting to his feet and then moving to stare down at the ZPM chamber with John. “Cause we're on something of a deadline here.”
As if on cue, Rodney's radio flared to life and Lorne's voice came over the wire. “Rodney, how we doing?” he asked.
“Not now!” Rodney snapped, wincing when John shot him a look he knew well from the field - the one that said that he needed to keep his CO up to speed with what was happening, no matter what. “We need more time,” he amended quickly. “It doesn't look good down here, so start the evacuation procedures, but hold off on implementing them for the moment.”
“Roger that,” Lorne responded.
“Now, what?” Rodney demanded of John as the radio connection fell silent.
John beckoned Rodney closer, holding one hand over the damaged ZPM casing and then opening and closing his fist rapidly over and over again. He looked up at Rodney expectantly, his eyes pleading with Rodney to understand what he was trying to convey.
“John, I don't-” Rodney started to say, but John caught hold of his arms, pulling Rodney towards him and giving him a little shake.
“Okay, okay,” Rodney said, his hands coming up to make calming motions at John. “Show me again.”
John nodded and then pointed at the casing again, this time clearly indicating a patch where the microscopic bacteria still appeared to be eating away at the polymer.
“Okay,” Rodney said. “The bacteria, I get it.”
John nodded and then pointed up to one of the room's light fittings before pointing back down to the ZPM.
Rodney frowned. “Yes,” he said. “We already know that the bacteria is causing the power fluctuations.”
John shook his head vigorously, repeating the rapid open-and-close hand gesture over the patch of bacteria before raising his hand to draw a line over his throat.
“Wait, so what you're saying is that the light will-” but before Rodney could finish speaking, the doors to the ZPM chamber suddenly slammed closed with a tremendous bang. Both John and Rodney started, turning to each other in confusion.
Then the lights went out.
“What the hell?!” Rodney said, spinning around to stare at the doors in astonishment while scrambling blindly in his pack for the flashlight he was certain he'd packed. “What now?”
With the door shut and the over-head lights off, the room was lit only by the eerie glow from the ZPM. At his side, John made a low rumble of anger. He was standing with his hands clenched into tight fists, his entire body radiating tension. His eyes were narrowed and he looked very dangerous all of a sudden. He started forward and stalked over to the door, placing his hand on it for a moment before turning back to Rodney. He shook his head slowly and then pointed to the place on his head where the implant had been, his expression grim.
Rodney reached up and tapped his radio. “Radek?” he called. “Do you know what's going on?”
“Rodney, I do not understand what is happening,” came Radek's reply. “Something is interfering with all the controls on your level, but I don't think it's related to the bacteria. As far as I can tell, it appears to be coming from Atlantis' CPU itself.”
“Well that's just great,” Rodney replied, finally managing to locate his flashlight. He made his way over to the panel by the door, popping off the cover and shining the beam of the flashlight into the interior. “What does it look like the CPU is doing?”
“It makes no sense,” Radek replied. “It is as if you have been completely cut off - no power whatsoever to either the level itself or any of the transporters that service it. Plus, all the blast doors have come down.”
“Just wonderful,” Rodney muttered, trying unsuccessfully to open the door manually. “That means we're stuck in here with the ZPM about to go critical.”
“You cannot disconnect it?” Radek asked sounding very concerned.
“No,” Rodney replied. “The connections are totally fried - no way it's budging, even if I could get out of here to get more equipment - which I can't because the door is equally stuck.”
Rodney slumped down into the wall beside the door and then slowly slid down to the floor, pulling the radio from his ear as he did so. “Oh, crap,” he said softly, raising his eyes to look at John. “We're going to die in here. Typical, I finally get my one perfect night with you, and now we're both going to die.”
Lost in his own misery, Rodney didn't notice John move until he was standing over him. Reaching down, John pulled him up off the floor, moving his hands so that he could hold Rodney tightly by the shoulders. Rodney forced himself to look up and found himself staring into John's eyes. John shook his head firmly, his eyes almost black in the dim yellow light from the ZPM, but the look of utter determination on his face was clearly visible.
Rodney took a deep breath, gathering strength from the reassuring touch of John's hands on his body and the look of conviction in John's eyes. “Okay,” he said, straightening up and sliding his radio back into place. “You're right; we don't give up. So... any ideas?”
John nodded again and stabbed a finger in the direction of the door and then tapped the red patch on his temple.
Rodney frowned. “What?” he asked. “The door and the implant. You mean they're connected somehow?”
John nodded, looking excited now that Rodney was finally correctly interpreting his actions.
“But how could they possibly... Oh my god, the transmission relay!” Rodney gasped as the bolt of inspiration struck. “You think it's the device - that, for some reason, it's connecting with Atlantis' CPU and shutting down this section.”
John nodded again. He made the meditation gesture from earlier and then tapped the center of his chest with his index finger and shook his head.
“It wants to make sure you ascend,” Rodney said as understanding slowly dawned. “So it's trying to prevent anything that might mean that you don't - anything that is helping you to hold on to your existence here.”
John nodded again. He licked his lips and took a deep breath, seeming to be gathering his strength. His lips moved and a single word, broken but still just about recognizable, emerged.
“Atlantis,” John said, breathing hard as if in pain. He pointed up towards the ceiling and then back down to his head. “Atlantis.”
“You mean that it's the city?” Rodney asked in amazement. “That Atlantis has been communicating with you all along? That's why you've been getting better.”
John nodded, sweat beading on his forehead from the effort of talking.
“Rodney? John? What is going on?” Radek sounded frantic. “Dr Weir and Major Lorne are with me. We need to know whether or not to evacuate the city.”
“Radek, you've got to destroy the Zolon device!” Rodney shouted into the radio. “It's what's accessed the CPU and shut down everything here.”
“What?” came the understandably confused response.
“Look,” Rodney said, aware that John was making hurry up motions with his hands. “John thinks he knows a way to stop the ZPM from blowing, but the device is attempting to stop us - it's trying to ensure that John ascends.”
“Rodney?” Radek asked again. “What do you-”
“Just do it!” Rodney interrupted with a shout. “Smash it, shoot it, blow it up - I don't care, just destroy it now so we can get on with things here and stop the ZPM from destroying us!”
The sound of a weapon firing echoed over the radio link and then Ronon's voice came over the wire.
“It's destroyed,” he said. And, as he spoke, the lights flickered back on around them.
“Right, so what now?” Rodney asked, turning to John and feeling slightly breathless. That was only one problem down and they still had a pretty damn big one to go. “The ZPM is still going to go critical if we can't find a way to stop the bacteria from eating through the protective casing.”
John grinned; it was the sort of grin that told Rodney that he had no need to worry - the one John had grinned as he pushed Rodney over the balcony, the one he'd grinned last night, just before he'd kissed Rodney. As Rodney watched, John lifted his hand pointing first at the ceiling and then at his head. Rodney found himself grinning in return.
“Okay then, gene-boy,” he said. “What does Atlantis say we should do?”
****
As it turned out, John's random flashy-hand charades over the ZPM chamber hadn't been such a bad explanation of the solution, Rodney thought to himself as he waved the black light over a particularly stubborn patch of bacteria, although his second attempt at acting out the solution had proved to be more effective. Now armed with specially augmented life-sign detectors, mercury-vapor UVC-emitting black lights and aided by Atlantis' advanced sensor sweeps, Rodney had teams combing every inch of the city and eradicating all signs of the bacterial infestation. They'd been fortunate, in a way, that things had panned out the way they had - the fact that the bacteria had managed to access the ZPM chamber had alerted them to the problem before the bacteria had managed to get too firm a grip on the city.
Doing a final check with his life-sign detector, Rodney ascertained that he'd finally managed to annihilate the bacteria on the length of power cable on which he'd been working. Thanks to John and his as yet unexplained connection to the city, they'd discovered that the bacteria, much like many Earth micro-organisms, could be sterilized using the short-wavelength ultra-violent light. The UV radiation destroyed the organism's nucleic acids and so disrupted their DNA and prevented their growth and reproduction.
“Okay, we're all clear here,” he said, waving over the engineering crew so they could get started on the repairs immediately. Although he and Radek had been able to re-route the power grid to avoid the affected areas, the faster they were back up to full capacity, the better.
Satisfied that the repair crew had things covered, Rodney slowly made his way to the next section to be scanned. It was a completely mundane task - identify an infested patch, expose the bacteria to the UVC, check with the detector and then repeat the process until the area was clear. It was also one that Rodney could have easily passed on to one of his minions, but he found himself quite happy to take part in the proceedings. It was calming to have something so mindless to do and it had the added benefit of giving him time to think. And, as was not at all unusual of late, his thoughts all revolved around one John Sheppard.
John was currently in the infirmary; to say that he'd been reluctant to go would be a vast understatement, but Carson had got that recalcitrant look of his and so there'd been no arguing with him. It wasn't that Rodney was avoiding John, not really, it was just that he'd felt it prudent to have at least some of his thoughts in order before seeing him again. He'd let things slip over the past couple of days - let himself become accustomed to the open and unfettered version of John and had allowed himself to respond in kind - and he was rather unsure of how John would react to what had passed between them once he'd recovered completely.
Upon reflection, Rodney decided that his best course of action was to act as if the past day or so simply hadn't happened. While he knew that their night together was something he would never forget, he seriously doubted that John would feel the same way. At least not now that he was once again in full possession of his faculties. And while this saddened Rodney, he knew better than to push John on things of a personal nature. Doing so would only result in John pulling away completely - he'd disappear behind that great impersonal wall he so loved to hide behind, and that was the very last thing Rodney wanted. No, far better to let things be - to act as he always had and be John's friend in public and hope that their more intimate encounters continued in private. To want more than that was both foolish and dangerous.
Besides which, it wasn't like he needed sappy declarations, not really. All he'd ever really wanted was some small indication that he meant as much to John as John did to him. And if it took John being mindwiped by some whacked out ascension device for him to show Rodney that, well then, that would just have to be enough.
****
John refrained mightily from kicking his heels against the side of the infirmary bed as he waited again to be cleared for duty. Carson and his team had been poking at him for hours during which time his ability to speak and answer questions had steadily improved, though there was still a moment’s hesitation before the words would come to him and even the suggestion of a stutter from time to time. He’d also been questioned by Elizabeth, in a friendly but curious sort of way, and by Dr. Heightmeyer, in a professional capacity. Elizabeth, at least, seemed to feel he was ready to go back to work in a few days, Kate and Carson were both more cautious in their estimation of his functionality. In the end, they seemed to be settling on restricted duty for two weeks. He was willing to agree to pretty much anything at this point, as long as they let him out of the infirmary soon.
Rodney, he knew, was working with other teams to eradicate the strange, alien organism from all the sensitive equipment and overseeing the repair process. He might not surface again for days, which was fine by John. He felt a moment of amusement, recalling his efforts at trying to convey the solution to Rodney and the ‘eureka’ moment when Rodney had finally got it. John had mimed being under the broiling sun and then had done a very passable (if he said so himself) imitation of Rodney liberally applying his own, patented sunscreen before Rodney had figured out that UV radiation would destroy the metal-eating bacteria. After that, it had been a matter of determining the best spectrum and length of time to lethally irradiate the bacteria without it also proving fatal to the members of the expedition. There had also been the whole side issue of how the light spectrum on P3M-357 had suppressed the bacteria until the gate team had returned to Atlantis, whereby the bacteria had begun to both feed and multiply at an exponential rate. John had left those details up to the geeks. After he’d conveyed the information to Rodney, he’d sat back and watched with satisfaction as the entire expedition mobilized under Rodney’s direction to start containing the bacterial invasion.
He felt a slight sense of satisfaction radiating from the city as well, but recognized that his deeper connection with the city was already fading, even as his own verbal skills improved and the device’s grip on his mind diminished to nothingness. There was a sense of loss that was hard to explain, as well as a sense of support and comfort from what he’d come to think of as his city.
He shook off such foolish thoughts. Next thing he knew, he’d be talking to the jumpers, for crying out loud.
“Good news, Colonel,” Carson said cheerfully as he approached with the latest test results in hand. “I’m officially releasing you now.”
John nodded, still reluctant to talk if the effort wasn’t required.
“Tell me, what was it like, not being able to speak?” Carson’s question made him pause as he hopped off the bed and prepared to leave.
The obvious, easy answer came to his lips almost immediately, but he still hesitated before giving it. “Frustrating,” he said, watching Carson nod in agreement before adding, “and interesting.”
“Interesting how?” Carson’s face shone with the light of someone who really wanted to know and John realized that, for Carson, this was no different than a technological puzzle for Rodney to solve or a cool, new machine for John to fly.
John took his time to speak precisely. “Because it was so hard to communicate an idea, I really had to think about what I wanted to say and how to say it. That really makes you pare things down to the basics, the stuff that’s really important.”
Carson seemed to consider that for a moment before nodding again. “I can see your point. Pity that more people aren’t forced to think before they speak.”
“Aw, doc,” John drawled after a bit, “then we’d all be Teyla.”
It was very satisfying to hear Carson’s delighted laugh.
Finally released from the infirmary and realizing it was near midday and he’d not eaten since the day before, John made his way rather hurriedly towards the mess hall. The room was not as crowded as he'd expected, until he realized that most of the expedition was pulling extra shifts, either in bacteria-eradication or repairs.
He spotted Teyla, sitting at her favorite table near one of the large windows with a view of the sea. He took his tray over to her table with what he hoped was a casual air as he sat down across from her.
“John,” she smiled. “Am I to understand that you’ve been released from the infirmary?”
Because it was habit, John confirmed her statement with a half-smile and a half-shrug.
She lifted a steaming cup of Athosian tea to her lips to sip it gracefully. “And you?” she said when she’d lowered her mug. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine,” he said, the words coming more easily than he’d expected. He took an enthusiastic bite out of his not-quite-beef sandwich, appreciating the naturally salty taste of the meat and savoring the cheese and tomato that went with it.
Teyla smiled serenely at him. “You sound well. I am pleased. When will you be allowed to return to duty?”
John made a face. “Two weeks,” he said, wishing for a cold beer.
“It will pass sooner than you think,” Teyla remarked smoothly. Funny, that she could say something so similar to Kate Heightmeyer and from Teyla it always sounded wise and reasonable, whereas from Kate it sounded practiced and formulaic.
“What did you learn from your experience, John?” Teyla added, just as he’d taken another bite from his sandwich.
He chewed thoughtfully and swallowed. “Next time, let Rodney take the fall for his crimes.”
Teyla’s smile said she didn’t believe him. He felt his mouth twitch as he smiled in return. “Rodney was very distraught over the punishment meted out to you by the Zolon,” Teyla said, taking a delicate bite of some sort of quiche-like food item on her plate. “He was determined to recover both you and the device, despite Elizabeth’s warnings to the contrary.”
“He was just feeling guilty,” John said lightly, taking a swig from his bottle of water, eyes on Teyla as he spoke.
“Perhaps,” Teyla agreed quietly before lifting her dark eyes to stare directly into John’s. “Or perhaps he really cares about you.”
“Oh c’mon, Teyla,” John protested. “We all care about each other. We’re a team, right?” He flashed back briefly to the time when team and family were indistinguishable to him and he wondered when he’d allowed these people to sneak under his radar when he’d sworn on the blood of fallen comrades that he’d never feel that way about anyone again.
Teyla gave him her pitying smile, which irritated the hell out of him.
“I believe what is between you and Rodney is more than just the love one has for a team member,” she said sweetly, seemingly oblivious to his anger. “What is more important however, is whether Rodney knows how you feel. Does he?” She tilted her head at him in question and he felt his heart sink.
“I don’t even know how I feel,” he protested.
“I believe that you do, John. You simply choose to ignore that fact.” Teyla’s glance was piercing, and John suddenly felt small and somehow at fault for disappointing her. Damn, she was good.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed.
“That is a start,” Teyla said in her usual, oracle-like fashion, which left him thinking that he did know what to do next, but then not being completely certain of how to proceed.
He needed to go find Rodney; of that he was sure.
****
There were no surprises when he finally ran Rodney to earth. He’d started out at the main science lab and then had followed the radio communiqués until he’d found Rodney, weary and strung out from too many hours on his feet without food, and ushered him into the mess hall for some necessary calories. Rodney had eaten mechanically; responding to John’s stilted questions and then plunging back deep into thought, into a headspace where John had to compete for Rodney’s attention. It was both an unsettling and familiar feeling.
After John had ascertained that Rodney’s hands-on expertise could be dispensed with for a few hours, he’d quietly marshaled Rodney back to his own quarters for a rest. The scary thing was that Rodney went without much protest, making John worried for his well-being.
Rodney had just toed his shoes off and thrown himself down on his bed when he spoke, halting John in his furtive escape towards the door.
“So we’re good, right?” Rodney said, face-down into his pillow, his words muffled. “Just like before, right?”
John started to automatically agree, but then he hesitated. He waited so long that Rodney lifted his head in concern. He found himself trying to hastily fill the empty space between them. “Sure, we’re good, Rodney.” His voice was still rusty from disuse.
“Good,” Rodney said, allowing himself to flop back down to the bed, relief evident in his voice.
John stared down at Rodney’s inert form, recalling with vivid clarity how, just the night before, Rodney had strived to maximize in John the height of sensation, for no other reason but that it brought John pleasure. His cock pulsed briefly in sympathy and John knew an intense moment of longing as he continued to stare at Rodney.
Shit, he was so screwed.
“No,” he said suddenly. “Not like before.”
Rodney stiffened where he lay for a brief moment and then rolled over onto his back. “Okay, not like before. Then like what?”
God, this was killing him. John ran a hand in a disturbed manner through his hair, trying to ignore the way Rodney was watching him through half-slit eyes. Even as John floundered for words, Rodney closed his eyes, a small, tight expression on his face.
“Right. Never mind. Forget I asked.” Rodney flapped a weary hand in John’s direction.
“No, it’s just…just give me a sec, okay?” John almost growled out the words, but Rodney opened his eyes again, looking slightly hopeful. John sighed and went over to Rodney’s desk to snag his chair, returning to reverse it in front of the bed so he could straddle it backwards as he tried to marshal his thoughts into coherent sentences. Rodney propped himself up on one elbow, interest apparently overcoming exhaustion.
“Okay, this is h-h-hard for me,” John began, only to see Rodney’s face light up with a snappy retort. John could tell that Rodney was about to make some comment about his inability to talk about anything personal not being something new and John could feel himself tensing up in anticipation. Rodney, however, read something in his posture that kept him silent. He raised a hand in a gesture of ‘pax’ and looked in what he probably hoped was an encouraging manner at John, but which came across as a smirk instead.
John folded his forearms along the top of the chair. “Back on Zolon, I had no idea who I was or how I’d gotten there-no memories at all of any time before I woke up in the field camp.”
Rodney’s smirk faded. He opened his mouth to speak, no doubt to apologize again, but John cut him off with a sharp, negative jerk of a hand. “Just hear me out, okay?”
Rodney nodded, a small frown between his eyes, the corners of his mouth pulled down in unhappiness. He gave a sigh, blowing air nosily through his lips and John had to suppress a smile at the thought of a speechless Rodney. Thank goodness they’d all been spared that.
“As time went by though, I had little flashes of memory, most of which didn’t mean anything to me. But you were the first person I remembered, even if it took me a while to recall your name.”
Rodney’s face took on the same pleased expression he’d had when they’d discovered the personal shield and he’d thought himself invulnerable. He sat silently, expectantly, not certain if John had finished what he had to say.
He could stop here, John knew. He really didn’t have to say anything more; he knew Rodney got it. John could just leave it at that and they could go on as before, perhaps with a little more give and take on each other’s part, but still essentially the same.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell Rodney how he felt about him. It was just that it made him feel so exposed and he’d spent the last twenty years learning how to shore up his defenses, not give someone the key to the city. But Rodney deserved more than that. He deserved to know.
This really was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life.
“What I’m saying is that you’re…very important to me. Perhaps the most important person in my life.” There. He’d said it. He folded his lips in a thin line, as though to keep any more traitorous words from spilling out across them. He dropped his eyes to study his hands silently as he waited for Rodney’s reaction.
Rodney remained still, frowning at John for so long that he began to replay his last sentences in his head, coming to the realization that his statement of Rodney’s ‘importance’ was still pretty lame as declarations of feelings went and Rodney was well within his rights to decide that the best that John could give wasn’t enough.
And then Rodney’s mouth twitched, and an eyebrow slowly and sardonically lifted. “You are so pathetic, you know that, right?”
John felt his face close off. The tips of his ears felt like they were burning with a sudden flare of heat and he stiffened where he sat in his chair. He would have risen to his feet and left the room, except that there was an air of poorly suppressed glee about Rodney.
“Did you ace the part of flyboy school where you had to withhold secrets under the pain of torture? Because you are really, really good at that, Sheppard.”
John lifted his gaze sharply to stare at Rodney, who grinned back as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. “You are such a dork.”
“Unlike you,” John said dryly. “You’d spill your guts and all your personal secrets if someone merely threatened you with torture.”
“Yup,” Rodney said cheerfully. “At least two Genii and half a dozen Wraith know how I feel about you.”
John must have allowed a look a horror cross his face because Rodney snorted and stood up. “Relax, they’re hardly in a position to go running to the US military, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
John stood up as well, rising to his feet easily and then slowly uncoiling himself from the chair and pushing it to one side. “Hiding who I am has become a habit, Rodney,” he said quietly, half-ashamed of the fact.
“Every aspect, I’d say,” Rodney agreed tartly. His face softened and he reached out to give John a friendly push on the shoulder. “I’ve gotten used to it. It was just nice, you know? Seeing you so open and relaxed for a change. But long-term?” Rodney gave a mock shudder. “It would just be too creepy.”
John made a face and pushed Rodney back, in a not-so-friendly fashion.
“I mean, god forbid, you might get all squishy on me,” Rodney shot him an evil, crooked smile.
“Squishy,” John said dangerously.
Rodney nodded. “Yup. Squishy. And sentimental. I mean, you might start decorating the place with those big Athosian candles and some sparkly metallic thread curtains.”
“Teyla gave both of those to me, what was I supposed to do? Tell her the candles and the curtains were too girly for me?” Rodney laughed and ducked as John swatted at him.
“Next thing I know, you’ll be wanting to set up a meditation mat in my room…”
“Bite your tongue!” John snarled, leaping forward in an attempt to cover Rodney’s laughing mouth with one hand, the force of his forward momentum carrying both of them backwards a step.
“I’d rather bite yours,” Rodney said breathlessly, still laughing and John found himself staring back into Rodney’s expectant blue eyes.
John’s hand shifted of its own accord to cup the back of Rodney’s head as he kissed him, feeling the smile on Rodney’s lips curve and change into something more hungry. John opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, trying to put everything into his actions that he could not put into words and he felt himself smile when Rodney moaned just a little.
And he snorted when Rodney broke off to give a prodigious, jaw-cracking yawn. “Sorry,” Rodney mumbled, a little shamefacedly.
John ignored him to walk Rodney backwards towards his bed. He let John push him down on the mattress. John bent down to lift Rodney’s feet and swing them up onto the bed while Rodney yawned again, trying unsuccessfully to mask it. He began to pull up at the hem of his shirt, but John stopped him with a hand on his arm.
“A kiss is not always a prelude to sex, you know.”
“It’s not? Damn,” Rodney said in mock disappointment, but he was smiling when John walked back from the closet with a spare blanket to toss over him. His eyelids kept closing, only to reopen a second later and sag shut again. “Can’t sleep long, gotta get back to the repairs.”
“Cat nap only,” John agreed. “I’ll wake you in twenty.”
Those expressive blue eyes flew open when Rodney felt John climb onto the bed alongside him. Rodney stared at him for such a long moment that John finally felt compelled to say, “What?”
Rodney closed his eyes then, a huge smile on his face. “You so better be intending to take off those boots if you plan to stay in this bed,” he said.
“How could I forget?” John drawled.
~fin~