When I Sorrow Most - part 6
'When I Sorrow Most' part 1 is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 2 is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 3 is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 4 is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 5 is here.
When I Sorrow Most
Part Six
Present Day
Rodney has never really been someone to seek out and embrace his deeper emotions. It's not a talent he's ever felt the need to develop, let alone cultivate, reasoning that his tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve and the fact that he's rather vocal about his opinions on most subjects are sufficient enough measures to preserve his mental well-being. So it comes as something of a shock to realise just how off-balance he feels now. He'd been so caught up in the preparations and processes of finding John, that he's completely unprepared for the reality of either it or his reaction to it. Looking back on the past three months, he can see now just how repressed he's become - how hard he'd worked to rid himself of any and all emotion - a necessary step to spare himself the paralysing pain of John's loss. That wasn't something on which he could afford to dwell then - all his energies had to be focused on finding John, not selfishly on his own irrelevant and ultimately useless feelings. Yet, now that the objective has been achieved, it's like the floodgates have been opened, and Rodney suddenly finds himself awash with a tidal wave of emotions so strong it threatens to drown him.
Uncertainty, guilt, anger, horror, disgust, hope, gratitude, relief, love - they all follow in quick succession, each one battering against his exhausted mind with such force that he feels dizzy, doesn't know which way to turn or how to react. It gets to the point where the potential disaster with the accelerator comes as an almost welcome reprieve, giving him something concrete on which to concentrate - a physical problem he has first to quantify and then to solve. He does both, his intelligence and insight into his discipline holding true despite his emotional turmoil.
Once he'd figured out what precisely the Ancient accelerator was designed to do, it was down to the relatively simple and rather anti-climactic matter of implementing the magnetic shielding the Ancients had built to collect and neutralise the strangelets created in the pulsar. It had been keeping a handle on himself while he was actually doing all that which had been the hard part. John had looked so fragile through it all - his skin far too pale, the only colour coming in the red, swollen patches around the wires still embedded in his body - that Rodney was tempted to let Ronon have his way and just shoot that bastard Trin and his associate and leave the Catarans to their own mess and head for home. After all, it would take decades, centuries even, before the strange star particle flux of strangelets would reach Atlantis...
But no, he knew that he couldn't do that, not only would John - the self-designated saviour of Pegasus - never countenance such a thing, but Rodney himself couldn't either. Having the destruction of the majority of one solar system on his conscience was quite enough for him and, despite the initial urges of his baser instincts whenever he looked at John or thought about what he'd suffered over the past three months, the entirety of Catara certainly did not deserve such a fate.
They had all taken a certain amount of pleasure in stranding Trin and his nameless counterpart on the accelerator when they left. Ronon perhaps less so, as he'd been all for at least inflicting some amount of pain first, but even he'd reluctantly agreed to leave the matter of suitable punishment until after they'd got John safely back home.
“You should have at least let me rough them up a little,” Ronon grumbles as they make their way back down to the docking bay where they'd left the jumper, John still supported between them. “They can just use their ship to get back to Catara and then will probably disappear completely.”
Rodney turns his head to grin at him. “No they can't,” he says with much satisfaction.
“Rodney,” John says, his tone warning despite the fatigue evident in both his voice and face. “What did you do?”
“Me?” Rodney replies innocently. “I didn't do a thing.” He feels the fingers of John's hand dig into his shoulder and sighs. “Well, at least nothing directly,” he amends swiftly, “although there might have been a stray beam from the magnetic shield generators which may have possibly knocked their engine coils out of alignment...” he trails off as Ronon and John both start to laugh. “So,” he continues as they round the final corner to the docking bay, “I suspect they will both still be here when Elizabeth contacts the Cataran government.”
“That was a good idea, Rodney,” Teyla says, her voice warm with approval that Rodney is grateful to hear; she has been very quiet in the time since John's release. Rodney supposes that it's only to be expected that they'd each react to John's rescue in their own ways, his own emotional discord coming as more of a surprise to him that either Ronon's anger or Teyla's quiet contemplation.
He's relieved as they finally enter the docking bay and head towards the jumper. John is breathing heavily and Rodney suspects that he and Ronon are bearing most of his weight, not that the stubborn man would actually admit to how badly he's feeling. They come to a halt and Rodney fumbles in his pocket for the jumper remote, pressing the buttons to de-cloak the ship and lower the doorway.
“Hey,” John says at the jumper shimmers into view. “I thought Jumper 12 was down.”
“Yes, well,” Rodney replies, pocketing the remote once more as he and Ronon heft John into the ship. “The capture of a certain Air Force Colonel necessitated a clandestine rescue operation, so, demonstrably; it's not down any more.”
“Clandestine?” John asks, looking up at Rodney in surprise as Ronon lowers him into a chair.
“Umm,” Rodney says, not sure how to answer that, he hadn't intended to let that bit out just yet, hoping to delay the exact details of what they'd done until John was safely back in Atlantis. Thankfully Teyla takes over.
“You were gone for well over three months, John,” she says softly. “And, despite our tireless searching, we could find no trace of you.”
Rodney watches as John's eyes narrow in thought. “They pulled it, didn't they,” he says as understanding dawns. “The search for me, I mean.”
“Yes,” Teyla replies. “The IOA believed you were dead, but we...” she bends down so she can rest her forehead against John's for a moment before pulling back. “We did not.”
John submits to her embrace and then looks at Ronon and then Rodney in turn as Teyla pulls back and takes a seat at the rear of the jumper. “Thank you,” he says simply.
As Rodney returns John's gaze and hears his quiet thanks, he feels his tenuous control of his emotions start to slip away. He has to look away to collect himself so that he's capable of piloting them home. As it is, his hands tremble slightly on the controls as he flies the jumper away from the accelerator and down towards the Cataran stargate. John is seated beside him in the co-pilot seat, his eyes closed and his breathing deep and even. Once he's plotted in the course to the 'gate, Rodney allows himself to turn his head and look his fill, letting the mere sight of John - alive and whole and here - help calm him.
As they approach the stargate, Rodney reaches across to the dial Atlantis, a twisting coil of nerves collecting in his stomach as he does so. It's all been worth it, of course, but he can't help but be slightly concerned at the reception they will receive. From behind him, he feels Teyla's slim hand come to rest reassuringly on his shoulder.
“It will be alright, Rodney,” she says, her voice full of quiet confidence. “You will see.”
He nods as the wormhole swooshes into life. Glancing back to his team mates, he takes courage from Teyla's smile and Ronon's nod as he activates the comms and sends through his IDC.
“Atlantis, this is McKay and the rest of SGA-1; we're requesting permission to come home.”
~*~
Present Day
His homecoming is completely overwhelming. John's never been particularly comfortable being the centre of attention and if he'd thought his miraculous return from the suicide run he'd undertaken during the siege had been bad, this return from the dead is at least an order of magnitude worse. He's feels immediately guilty at the thought and quashes his reluctance as best he can, allowing a very teary Elizabeth to pull him to her and hold him close. He returns her embrace as best as he's able, his eyes looking beyond her to the other people in the crowd which has gathered in the jumper bay. It's incredible really, he thinks to himself as he manages to extricate himself from Elizabeth's arms, to see how much he's been missed. The crowd is growing by the second as word of his return flies around the city; soldiers and civilians alike flocking into the bay.
Elizabeth looks beyond John and he turns to see Rodney watching her warily, wringing his hands together nervously in front of him.
“Elizabeth...” he starts to say, but is prevented from getting any further by Elizabeth closing the distance between them and pulling him into a hug.
“You did good, Rodney,” she says firmly as she steps back to look at him.
Rodney looks startled at her words of praise and John is forcibly reminded of how he had referred to their rescue mission - clandestine. He gets the feeling there is a lot more to that than Teyla had made out. His hunch is further reinforced when Lorne approaches him. Thankfully, his greeting is considerably restrained and he snaps to attention directly in front of John and salutes him smartly. John returns the salute as best he can in his current state before reaching out to shake the man's hand.
“It's good to have you back, sir,” Lorne says, his sincerity clear in the both the tone of his voice and the firmness of his grasp. “She's just as you left her.”
“Good to be back, Major,” John replies. “I'm sure you've been doing an admirable job in my absence.” He's surprised when Lorne releases his hand only to turn to Rodney and repeat his whole performance, salute followed by handshake.
“I knew you'd do it, sir,” Lorne says to Rodney.
“Yes, well,” Rodney replies, looking ever so slightly uncomfortable. “I may have had some help... so thank you.”
As Lorne nods to them both and moves away, John turns his head to look at Rodney fully. “Rodney?” he queries.
Rodney waves away his question and, before he can demand more information, the next well-wisher arrives in the form of Radek. Radek shakes his hand, beaming at him all the while. He too turns to Rodney, cocking his head to the side as he looks at him.
“Yes, yes,” Rodney says with a much put upon sigh. “Couldn't have done it without you - a joint effort and all that.”
Radek laughs before his face turns serious again. “I am glad for you, Rodney,” he says, reaching out to clap Rodney on the shoulder. “This is mostly your doing.”
“Thank you, Radek,” Rodney replies. “Seriously, I...”
“Pffft,” Radek says, his eyes sparkling with mirth as he waves away Rodney's words. “What did I do? I knew nothing, remember.”
John looks curiously from Radek's departing back to Rodney's oddly expressionless face and shakes his head. Once he's feeling better, he's definitely got to get to the bottom of what exactly Rodney has done to pull off his rescue. As it is, he'd like nothing more than to be able to escape the chaos of the jumper bay and return to the peace of his quarters, but he knows that it’s not to be. At the very least, he has a long visit to the infirmary in his future.
****
His prediction soon becomes a reality and, what's likely to be a fair number of hours later, John finds himself awakening to the familiar sights of the infirmary. He stretches his body out, luxuriating in the lack of pain and the simple pleasure of his muscles shifting and flexing under his mental command. Because that's one of the worst things he recalls about his time in that damn coffin - the loss of control of his body and his mind. He shudders at the memory - the confusion, the blindness, the paralysis... He feels his heart start to race and forces himself to take a deep, calming breath.
The sound of the infirmary door opening captures his attention and John is only too grateful for the distraction. When Teyla and Ronon enter, he feels a smile start to stretch over his face. As they spot him and start to approach his bed, he finds his gaze straying behind them, searching. His smile falters slightly; Rodney isn't with them. He busies himself by bracing his arms on either side of his body and pushing up with his legs, moving himself so that he's sitting upright and leaning against the wall.
“John,” Teyla says, her smile bright as she moves swiftly to his bedside, leaning down to briefly bring their foreheads together. “You are looking so much better!”
Ronon grunts. “It'd be hard for him to look worse,” he says. “Good thing they got all that shit out of you, Sheppard.”
John looks down at himself and recalls the painful and slightly itchy sensation of the mess of wires and tubes that had connected him to the Ancient accelerator. He breathes a sigh of relief. “Yeah,” is all he can say as he looks up to Ronon again, who is pulling a chair up to the bed.
Declining the proffered chair, Teyla perches herself on the edge of his bed as Ronon takes the seat. Her face goes serious and she glances over to Ronon for a moment before returning her steady gaze to John.
“What?” John asks, feeling himself come alert even though there isn't really a thing he can do lying in an infirmary bed dressed in nothing by a hospital gown.
“John,” Teyla begins. “While you have been recovering, we've been speaking to Elizabeth. There are several...” she pauses, apparently searching for the correct word, “issues which we now need to resolve.”
“Go on,” John prompts.
“Well, the first is what to do about your abduction. Elizabeth and Major Lorne are on Catara at the moment, discussing what has happened with Quoron,” she says. “Elizabeth believes it is in everyone's best interests if Trin and the others involved in his plan are brought to justice on Catara.”
John nods at this; it's what he would have expected from Elizabeth - a just and diplomatically-tactful resolution. “Okay,” he says. “That sounds reasonable.”
Teyla nods, apparently pleased with his response. John mentally shrugs, as much as he'd like to see his captors brought to justice here, he knows that is not something that is practical. No, far better to continue to act with Catara's government and therefore hopefully be able to salvage something from the mess.
“The next issue has to do with the IOA,” she says.
“Ah, yes,” John says, looking up at her with renewed interest. “I've been meaning to ask you guys what exactly you did to get me back?”
Teyla breaks into a smile at this. “Only what we had to, John,” she says, reaching out to touch his arm briefly. “And we were glad to do it. But our actions have caused some concerns at the IOA.”
Ronon grunts derisively, and John has to agree with him, despite what Elizabeth may want from her military commander, John has never been able to work up the supposedly proper amount of respect for the IOA. Teyla shoots them both a quelling look before continuing. “Needless to say, our mission to rescue you was unauthorised. We had, in fact, been ordered to give up on searching for you completely. The thing is, John, that it wasn't unexpected - we'd been searching for months with no leads whatsoever.”
John nods; he can understand that, the need to draw a line at last so that everyone remaining can move forward. “What changed?” he asks.
“Nothing changed,” Teyla says, “but something... happened.”
Ronon lets out a snort of laughter. “Yeah,” he says with a grin, “McKay happened.”
“Rodney?” John asks, endeavouring to keep his voice steady despite the sudden pounding of his heart.
“Yes, Rodney,” Teyla replies. “And that, I think, is the final issue. Rodney.”
“He's really something, you know,” Ronon says, shaking his head. “For someone who's just a scared scientist. He just wouldn't give up on you - got us together, hatched a kick-ass plan, got you home.”
“Your loss hit us all hard, John,” Teyla adds. “But Rodney... he suffered more keenly that anyone. John, he cares for you very much.”
John swallows thickly. “I know,” he says softly, thinking back to the moment he realised that he could hear Rodney's voice from the dark. “I ...I....” he stumbles, searching fruitlessly for the words.
“And I am not sure,” Teyla continues, her gaze deadly serious as she meets his. “How well he is coping now that you are back.”
It's not until much later, when Teyla and Ronon have left him to his thoughts, when Elizabeth has come and gone, and when he's finally released from the infirmary with strict instructions to rest, that he's finally able to seek out Rodney. Because now, as ever, John Sheppard is a man with a plan.
~*~
Present Day
It's been hours and Rodney still feels lost - groundless, as if he's been cast adrift in a sea of emotions he has no knowledge of how to safely navigate. He doesn't understand himself at all; he's spent the past three months looking for John. He was lost then - in denial, grasping at straws, hopelessly searching for something that his common sense told him could not really exist.
But, it turns out that it did exist; the answer was there, just waiting for him to discover it. And he had - they had, his friends had gathered around him, put their trust in him and, with their help, John had been found. Alive and whole and finally home.
So why isn't Rodney happy? Or relieved? Or... anything? He sighs and shakes his head, pushing himself to his feet and making his way across his quarters to stare sightlessly out of the window. But maybe those aren't the right questions, because he does feel all those things and many more besides. It's more like he feels too much - like the emotions inside him are battling each other for dominance and, in the interim, he's left without any.
So perhaps the right question is not how does he feel, but what is he doing? Why is he hiding here in his quarters instead of sitting in the infirmary at John's bedside, waiting with the rest of his team for him to wake up? Rodney straightens as he asks himself that question, because this is one question to which he knows the answer. Because the answer is both staggeringly simple and amazingly complex.
He's here because he doesn't want to be there.
It had almost been too much in the jumper bay; all those people clustering around John, touching him, hugging him, welcoming him home. Rodney had been only too glad to escape the melee and take John down to the infirmary with Teyla and Ronon. He'd felt a return to near normal as the four of them had crowded into the transporter, John leaning into him, his hand curling around the nape of Rodney's neck and Rodney's arm wrapped tightly around John's waist. But then they'd arrived at the infirmary and Rodney'd had to let John go, had no choice but to hand him over to the medical staff and allow Teyla to usher him back up the tower to meet with Elizabeth.
He'd escaped as soon as he was able, many hours later of course, and headed immediately down to the quiet of his quarters. Teyla and Ronon had cornered him in the corridor before he'd reached his goal and tried to convince him to come with them to the infirmary, but something inside Rodney had clenched up at the mere thought doing so. So he'd refused, waved them off and ran away. He knows he won't be allowed to hide for long; Teyla had that determined look on her face as she'd listened to his excuses, but he's managed it for now. He'll take what he can get.
It had all happened so fast, the thing with John. One moment John was Rodney's best friend and then the next he was... something else... something more. And then he was gone.
John's loss had affected Rodney more than he would ever have thought possible. He remembers how crushed he'd felt when they'd all thought John had died in the nuclear explosion Rodney himself had created and then how utterly elated he'd been when John's voice came through the comms from the Daedulus. What he'd experienced then was nothing when compared to the soul-crushing agony he'd felt when John had disappeared on Catara and continued to be lost for months afterwards. It had, to put it simply, been too much and Rodney'd had no choice but to lock up his emotions or face going mad with grief. Instead, he'd been able to channel his not inconsiderable energies into the search - his commitment to his work growing as his true feelings for John continued to be suppressed.
But ever since the plan had been put into action, his feelings had started to slip free. The insidious trickle of hope first of all, followed swiftly by a touch of fear and a fair amount of resolve. As the mission had proceeded, he'd cycled through worry and into anger. These contrasted sharply with utter relief and ecstatic joy. And then it had all come to a head with a growing flood of want, need and, strongest of all, love.
So Rodney had fled. Because he just can't sit back and watch while John interacts with everyone else - letting himself touch and be touched, smile and laugh and talk. It's too much for Rodney to bear, because he wants John to be his not theirs.
It's a sobering thought and one he's now aware he's been forestalling for many months. It's not something with which he could have coped when John was gone and now... well, he's not sure it's something he can cope with now either.
Just then his thoughts are interrupted by the chime of his door. He rolls his eyes as he strides over to open it, prepared to meet Teyla's implacable gaze on the other side. He's greeted by hazel eyes and messy hair instead; he immediately takes a few steps back, totally unprepared.
“Rodney?” John asks, stepping cautiously into the room. “Hey, I was... well, I was wondering how you were doing.”
“What are you doing here?” is all Rodney can think of to say.
John laughs. “Well, they finally set me free from the infirmary and I...” he pauses, bringing up a hand to rub the back of his neck. “Well, I wanted to come see you.”
Rodney swallows and takes a deep breath. “Why?”
A fond look crosses John's features at the question. “Because,” he replies, taking a step towards Rodney, “I wanted to.”
Rodney shakes his head in denial, taking a step backwards and lifting a hand involuntarily to ward John off. “No,” he says. “No.”
“No?” John repeats, his brow furrowed in confusion. “I don't understand.” He shakes his head and then his expression softens as he takes another step towards Rodney. “Rodney, I-”
“I said no,” Rodney interrupts almost desperately. “I... I just can't, alright? Please, John, just leave it.”
But John just shakes his head, reaching out for Rodney again. His hand brushes lightly against Rodney's cheek and Rodney jumps back as if scalded.
“No!” he shouts, suddenly furious. “Don't you get it? I want you to go; just get out!” He flings a hand towards his door, willing John to leave before he falls completely to pieces.
John stays.
Rodney closes his eyes and lets out a long huff of air. “You just don't get it, do you?” he asks, somewhat calmer, opening his eyes to regard John as steadily as he is able. “I mean, do you have any idea what it was like when you were gone? What it felt like to know you were missing? How it damn near destroyed me to think that you might be dead?” He's almost shouting again now, his breathing hard and harsh, his body tight as the pain he's kept contained for so long finally comes bursting to the fore.
“No, Rodney,” John replies softly. “I don't know, tell me.”
“I couldn't bear it, John!” he shouts in response. “You were gone and I... I just couldn't...” He breaks off as he hears his voice crack and feels the hot burn of tears in his eyes. He turns away, bowing his head in shame.
“I don't know what it was like for you,” John says. “But I know what it was like for me. I know that I was lost; that I didn't know anything - not who I was or what was happening to me - I only knew the darkness and the silence and the pain. That was my whole life, Rodney. It was all I knew, all there was... until you came for me. You changed that - the pain stopped, my memories returned and, Rodney, I heard your voice.”
As Rodney listens to John's words, he feels the hope flutter up inside him again -- maybe this can work after all... Maybe he and John can-- But, no, it can't, they can't. No matter what John might say now, it would never last. Somehow or other, it would ultimately end and Rodney now knows that he simply isn't strong enough to go through that again.
“It doesn't matter,” he says, keeping his back to John. “It's too hard - I can't go through that all again, John... I just can't.”
Suddenly he feels strong arms close around him from behind, holding him firmly as John's voice sounds low in his ear. “But, Rodney, isn't what we have together - everything - worth it?”
Rodney shudders in helpless reaction. He can feel the warmth and strength of John's body pressed so tightly against his own. It's so welcome, so very necessary, that he finds himself leaning back into John's embrace without any conscious thought.
“Rodney,” John says again, speaking directly into Rodney's ear, his hot puffs of breath sending shivers racing down Rodney's spine. “Isn't it?”
Rodney's knees threaten to buckle as John’s hands start to move over his chest, stroking firmly over his pecs and moving to brush over his nipples. He hisses in reaction, his body moving with John's caresses, his chest pushing forward into John's hands as his ass thrusts back into the cradle of John's hips. He moans softly as he feels the hard ridge of John's erection between his cheeks and the answering movement of John's hips as John starts to grind himself slowly against Rodney's body. In his pants, Rodney's own cock, already half-hard, pulses quickly to full erection.
Suddenly, John moves away and Rodney has to move fast to stop himself for falling backwards now that he is no longer being supported. Before he can think about what he's doing, he turns to face John, a question on his lips.
“What? Why did you...?” His words die as he registers the look on John's face.
“I know what I want, Rodney,” John says, his eyes dark with serious intent. “But you have to be sure too.”
This dampens Rodney's arousal slightly as his lust-glazed brain slowly cranks back into action. He tilts his head to one side as he considers John's words and the solemn tone with which they are said. “I... I...”
“You have to be sure,” John says again.
Rodney freezes as yet another rush of emotion floods through him. John's gaze drops to the floor and he then looks away with self-conscious laugh. “Well, I guess that answers that,” he mutters to himself. “I'll see you round then, Rodney,” he says as he turns to go, still avoiding Rodney's eye.
“No!” Rodney shouts, his volition returning. He hadn't realised - it hadn't occurred to him until just now, when John turned away from him - that he can still lose John. That even if John is still on Atlantis, if Rodney lets him go now, he will be lost to Rodney forever. That is simply not acceptable.
“No, don't go...” he says again as John pauses at his door, one hand already outstretched to swipe over the opening mechanism. “John, I am sure. I didn't... I didn't realise that I... well, that I want this too - want you.” Now it's his turn to approach John, reaching out to take John in his and hold him close. “All those people earlier... I couldn't... I just felt too much - I didn't know how to react. I wanted you to myself and I just...” He knows he's babbling, but he needs to explain, has to let John know just how much he needs him.
He feels it when John finally registers his words - the sudden relaxation in John's body and his exhalation of relief. He turns in Rodney's arms so they're now standing face to face. “Oh, thank god,” he says.
And then they're kissing. It's hot and needy and so damn good Rodney can't believe that he almost threw this away. God, it's perfect. John's mouth feels so utterly right against his own and Rodney has to have more of him. He opens his mouth wider, thrusting his tongue even deeper into John, needing to get as close to the man as is physically possible. In his arms, John feels just as desperate, his arms wrapped tightly around Rodney's shoulders as he pulls Rodney even closer to him. Rodney responds in kind, pushing John backwards so that his back is pressed up against the door and thrusting his thigh between John's legs.
John growls into Rodney's mouth in appreciation of their new position and starts grinding himself against Rodney's thigh. The sensation of John working his cock against Rodney's body sends a sharp bolt of arousal straight to Rodney's dick and he starts grinding himself into John's hip in return. They lose themselves for long minutes as they rub against each other, mouths still joined as they move against each other in tandem. It isn't until John's hands slip under the bottom of Rodney' shirt to slide up his back that it occurs to Rodney that he can have more of John.
John makes a soft groan of protest as Rodney pulls himself away from him, his hand tightening around Rodney to pull him back. He does, however, get with the programme when Rodney moves his hands to the bottom of John's t-shirt and starts to pull it up. They both surge into action then and it becomes something of a race to see who can strip who faster. It turns out that they're both winners when John pulls Rodney back to him and, this time, they're naked in each other's arms.
Rodney lets out a moan of pleasure as their erections meet. John answers in kind, thrusting his tongue into Rodney's mouth for a deep kiss as he reaches down between their bodies to squeeze their cocks together. But, as amazing as it feels to slide his dick alongside John's, Rodney wants more. Folding his hands around John's shoulders, Rodney pulls him away from the wall and then towards his bed. He stumbles a couple of times, partly because John still has his hand around Rodney's dick, pumping him slowly, and partly because of the piles of crap that still are scattered throughout his quarters. He really needs to clear up, but later - John's thumb swipes over the tip of Rodney's leaking erection and Rodney gasps - much later.
They make it without further incident to Rodney's bed which is, thankfully, clutter free. John releases his grip on Rodney's cock and Rodney collapses down onto the bed with a thud, spreading his arms and legs wide in invitation. John stands over him, looking down at Rodney with eyes dark with lust. When John licks his lips, Rodney finds himself reaching down between his legs to wrap his fist around his cock, pulling on it languidly as John's eyes darken still further. Rodney's eyes trace down over John's body, taking in the firm planes of his chest, his peaked nipples only just visible through his whorls of dark hair. Rodney winces a bit in sympathy as he takes in the evidence of John's time stuck in the casket - the patches of red skin which are still slightly inflamed - but is soon distracted by John's body once more. His belly is taut and flat, the strong muscles of his lateral obliques clearly visible and Rodney's gaze is drawn down them to where John's cock is standing, flushed dark and leaking. Rodney's hand moves in harder strokes down his own cock at the sight and he has to have more.
“John,” Rodney says, his eyes moving back up to John's lust-slack face, reaching his free hand out in entreaty.
John's response is instant, before Rodney has time to blink; John is on the bed on him, his elbows braced on either side of Rodney's chest as he hovers over Rodney. Moving slowly, John leans down and brushes his mouth softly over Rodney's. Rodney's lips part at once and John takes what he offers, covering his lips more firmly and plunging his tongue in deep.
As they kiss, John slowly lowers his body on to Rodney's, settling his groin into the cradle of Rodney's hips. Rodney bucks up at the contact, his dick sliding wetly alongside John's, their pre-com easing the rub to a delicious friction. But Rodney wants more still - he needs more, needs to feel all of John deep inside him.
Canting his hips, Rodney manages to get John's cock to slide down the crease of his ass during their next thrust. John freezes immediately, pulling back from their kiss to stare down at Rodney with his eyes wide. Rodney nods in answer to his unspoken query and John groans, bending back down to kiss Rodney thoroughly, his tongue thrusting in and out of Rodney's mouth in a decidedly suggestive manner.
They're both panting hard when John pulls back and starts to move down Rodney's body, pausing for long moments to press sucking kisses down Rodney's neck and along his collar bone, to tongue and suck at his nipples and to dip into the deep well of his navel. When he's positioned between Rodney's spread thighs, he looks up at Rodney and raises an eyebrow. Rodney reaches out to snag a bottle of lube and a condom from his bedside cabinet, handing both over to John. As he draws his hand back, John catches hold of his wrist and places a soft kiss to his palm.
Rodney relaxes back on the bed as John gently prepares him. He lavishes attention to Rodney's cock first of all, pressing soft kisses down one side before pausing at the base and then slowly dragging the flat of his tongue up its entire length, pausing at the top to look up at Rodney as he flicks the very tip of his tongue teasingly across the slit. Rodney groans aloud at the sensation and the sight of John sucking his cock. When John opens his mouth wide, wrapping his lips around the head of Rodney's cock, Rodney feels his lubed fingers trail down between his cheeks of his ass to circle his hole. John swallows him down to the root as he gently presses his finger deep into Rodney's body.
Rodney is lost to sensation - the hot wet pull of John's mouth, the heady burn of John's fingers as they stretched him open, the pain gradually merging with a deep pleasure as he's coaxed wide open, hungry and begging for John's cock. When John pulls his fingers free, Rodney forces his eyes open so he can watch John fumble on the condom and slather lube down his length.
“Ready?” John asks.
“More than,” Rodney replies, lifting his legs up to his chest, spreading himself open for John.
John's breath catches at the sight, but his eyes are alight as he looks back up to Rodney's face. “That's my Rodney,” he says fondly, reaching out to brace Rodney's legs on his shoulders.
The position is awkward at first, but any thoughts of that disappear completely as Rodney feels the snub head of John's cock at his hole, gasping slightly as it slowly breaches his body. He breathes deeply, concentrating on relaxing his muscles and on the look of wonder on John's face as he enters him fully. John pauses once he's buried as deep inside Rodney as he can go, bending down to kiss Rodney. Rodney kisses him back - pleasure and pain and relief and love all coalescing inside him. It makes it finally real, having John buried so deep inside him and looking at him with such love - John is home.
Everything is then lost to the pleasure of John thrusting into him, over and over again. John's strokes are hard and even, filling Rodney perfectly with every thrust. He tries various angles before Rodney feels the sharp starburst of pleasure, arching up with a near-scream as John hits his prostate. John grunts in response and speeds up, nailing Rodney's prostate with every thrust, fucking Rodney so perfectly that Rodney knows he's not going to be able to hold off much longer. He locks his feet together in the small of John's back and does his best to move with John.
As if reading his mind, John gasps out, “God, Rodney, so fucking good... so close - touch yourself.”
Rodney has no sooner reached down and wrapped his fingers around his cock, then he's coming, spurting thickly all over belly, his ass clenching tightly around John's cock as John continues to thrust into him. John's moan echoes Rodney's as he fucks forward into Rodney a few more times, then he too is throwing his head back, his hips stuttering uncontrollably and Rodney feels the warm pulse of his release deep in his ass through the fading pleasure of his own orgasm.
He's still floating in the aftermath as John pulls back and his now softened cock slips wetly from Rodney's body. John helps him to straighten out his legs before reaching up to kiss him deeply. It's a soft kiss, deep and happy and full of love. John pulls back, smiling and rolls, with enviable grace, out of the bed and pads over to the bathroom. Rodney watches him go with a sleepy gaze that doesn't stop him from enjoying how John's trademark swagger shows off his assets. He hears the sound of water running and is unsurprised when John reappears a few minutes later, towel in hand. After gently cleaning Rodney off, John returns to the bed and wraps himself around Rodney, his chest warm against Rodney's back and his arm a comforting weight across Rodney's middle.
“You don't have to share me, you know, Rodney. I'm with you,” John whispers, his voice coming in soft gusts of breath against Rodney's nape. “No matter what happens, I'm not planning on going anywhere.”
Rodney's eyes squeeze closed as joy illuminates him from within. “Me either,” he replies softly, snuggling back into John's embrace. He knows, of course, that he does have to share John, but, lying sated in John's arms, he finds that he's actually okay with that. It is enough to have this now, because he knows that he will always have had it, even if the unthinkable were someday to really happen. In an uncertain galaxy in dangerous times, happiness is not something to be treated lightly, rather it is something to be cherished.
“Whatever happens,” he pledges in return, “I'm with you.”
~fin~
‘I hold it true, what’re befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost;
Than to have never loved at all.’
Extract from Canto 27 of In Memoriam A.H.H., a stunningly beautiful poem about love and loss, friendship and faith by Alfred Lord Tennyson.
The original post to 'When I Sorrow Most' on sga_santa is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 2 is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 3 is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 4 is here.
'When I Sorrow Most' part 5 is here.
When I Sorrow Most
Part Six
Present Day
Rodney has never really been someone to seek out and embrace his deeper emotions. It's not a talent he's ever felt the need to develop, let alone cultivate, reasoning that his tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve and the fact that he's rather vocal about his opinions on most subjects are sufficient enough measures to preserve his mental well-being. So it comes as something of a shock to realise just how off-balance he feels now. He'd been so caught up in the preparations and processes of finding John, that he's completely unprepared for the reality of either it or his reaction to it. Looking back on the past three months, he can see now just how repressed he's become - how hard he'd worked to rid himself of any and all emotion - a necessary step to spare himself the paralysing pain of John's loss. That wasn't something on which he could afford to dwell then - all his energies had to be focused on finding John, not selfishly on his own irrelevant and ultimately useless feelings. Yet, now that the objective has been achieved, it's like the floodgates have been opened, and Rodney suddenly finds himself awash with a tidal wave of emotions so strong it threatens to drown him.
Uncertainty, guilt, anger, horror, disgust, hope, gratitude, relief, love - they all follow in quick succession, each one battering against his exhausted mind with such force that he feels dizzy, doesn't know which way to turn or how to react. It gets to the point where the potential disaster with the accelerator comes as an almost welcome reprieve, giving him something concrete on which to concentrate - a physical problem he has first to quantify and then to solve. He does both, his intelligence and insight into his discipline holding true despite his emotional turmoil.
Once he'd figured out what precisely the Ancient accelerator was designed to do, it was down to the relatively simple and rather anti-climactic matter of implementing the magnetic shielding the Ancients had built to collect and neutralise the strangelets created in the pulsar. It had been keeping a handle on himself while he was actually doing all that which had been the hard part. John had looked so fragile through it all - his skin far too pale, the only colour coming in the red, swollen patches around the wires still embedded in his body - that Rodney was tempted to let Ronon have his way and just shoot that bastard Trin and his associate and leave the Catarans to their own mess and head for home. After all, it would take decades, centuries even, before the strange star particle flux of strangelets would reach Atlantis...
But no, he knew that he couldn't do that, not only would John - the self-designated saviour of Pegasus - never countenance such a thing, but Rodney himself couldn't either. Having the destruction of the majority of one solar system on his conscience was quite enough for him and, despite the initial urges of his baser instincts whenever he looked at John or thought about what he'd suffered over the past three months, the entirety of Catara certainly did not deserve such a fate.
They had all taken a certain amount of pleasure in stranding Trin and his nameless counterpart on the accelerator when they left. Ronon perhaps less so, as he'd been all for at least inflicting some amount of pain first, but even he'd reluctantly agreed to leave the matter of suitable punishment until after they'd got John safely back home.
“You should have at least let me rough them up a little,” Ronon grumbles as they make their way back down to the docking bay where they'd left the jumper, John still supported between them. “They can just use their ship to get back to Catara and then will probably disappear completely.”
Rodney turns his head to grin at him. “No they can't,” he says with much satisfaction.
“Rodney,” John says, his tone warning despite the fatigue evident in both his voice and face. “What did you do?”
“Me?” Rodney replies innocently. “I didn't do a thing.” He feels the fingers of John's hand dig into his shoulder and sighs. “Well, at least nothing directly,” he amends swiftly, “although there might have been a stray beam from the magnetic shield generators which may have possibly knocked their engine coils out of alignment...” he trails off as Ronon and John both start to laugh. “So,” he continues as they round the final corner to the docking bay, “I suspect they will both still be here when Elizabeth contacts the Cataran government.”
“That was a good idea, Rodney,” Teyla says, her voice warm with approval that Rodney is grateful to hear; she has been very quiet in the time since John's release. Rodney supposes that it's only to be expected that they'd each react to John's rescue in their own ways, his own emotional discord coming as more of a surprise to him that either Ronon's anger or Teyla's quiet contemplation.
He's relieved as they finally enter the docking bay and head towards the jumper. John is breathing heavily and Rodney suspects that he and Ronon are bearing most of his weight, not that the stubborn man would actually admit to how badly he's feeling. They come to a halt and Rodney fumbles in his pocket for the jumper remote, pressing the buttons to de-cloak the ship and lower the doorway.
“Hey,” John says at the jumper shimmers into view. “I thought Jumper 12 was down.”
“Yes, well,” Rodney replies, pocketing the remote once more as he and Ronon heft John into the ship. “The capture of a certain Air Force Colonel necessitated a clandestine rescue operation, so, demonstrably; it's not down any more.”
“Clandestine?” John asks, looking up at Rodney in surprise as Ronon lowers him into a chair.
“Umm,” Rodney says, not sure how to answer that, he hadn't intended to let that bit out just yet, hoping to delay the exact details of what they'd done until John was safely back in Atlantis. Thankfully Teyla takes over.
“You were gone for well over three months, John,” she says softly. “And, despite our tireless searching, we could find no trace of you.”
Rodney watches as John's eyes narrow in thought. “They pulled it, didn't they,” he says as understanding dawns. “The search for me, I mean.”
“Yes,” Teyla replies. “The IOA believed you were dead, but we...” she bends down so she can rest her forehead against John's for a moment before pulling back. “We did not.”
John submits to her embrace and then looks at Ronon and then Rodney in turn as Teyla pulls back and takes a seat at the rear of the jumper. “Thank you,” he says simply.
As Rodney returns John's gaze and hears his quiet thanks, he feels his tenuous control of his emotions start to slip away. He has to look away to collect himself so that he's capable of piloting them home. As it is, his hands tremble slightly on the controls as he flies the jumper away from the accelerator and down towards the Cataran stargate. John is seated beside him in the co-pilot seat, his eyes closed and his breathing deep and even. Once he's plotted in the course to the 'gate, Rodney allows himself to turn his head and look his fill, letting the mere sight of John - alive and whole and here - help calm him.
As they approach the stargate, Rodney reaches across to the dial Atlantis, a twisting coil of nerves collecting in his stomach as he does so. It's all been worth it, of course, but he can't help but be slightly concerned at the reception they will receive. From behind him, he feels Teyla's slim hand come to rest reassuringly on his shoulder.
“It will be alright, Rodney,” she says, her voice full of quiet confidence. “You will see.”
He nods as the wormhole swooshes into life. Glancing back to his team mates, he takes courage from Teyla's smile and Ronon's nod as he activates the comms and sends through his IDC.
“Atlantis, this is McKay and the rest of SGA-1; we're requesting permission to come home.”
~*~
Present Day
His homecoming is completely overwhelming. John's never been particularly comfortable being the centre of attention and if he'd thought his miraculous return from the suicide run he'd undertaken during the siege had been bad, this return from the dead is at least an order of magnitude worse. He's feels immediately guilty at the thought and quashes his reluctance as best he can, allowing a very teary Elizabeth to pull him to her and hold him close. He returns her embrace as best as he's able, his eyes looking beyond her to the other people in the crowd which has gathered in the jumper bay. It's incredible really, he thinks to himself as he manages to extricate himself from Elizabeth's arms, to see how much he's been missed. The crowd is growing by the second as word of his return flies around the city; soldiers and civilians alike flocking into the bay.
Elizabeth looks beyond John and he turns to see Rodney watching her warily, wringing his hands together nervously in front of him.
“Elizabeth...” he starts to say, but is prevented from getting any further by Elizabeth closing the distance between them and pulling him into a hug.
“You did good, Rodney,” she says firmly as she steps back to look at him.
Rodney looks startled at her words of praise and John is forcibly reminded of how he had referred to their rescue mission - clandestine. He gets the feeling there is a lot more to that than Teyla had made out. His hunch is further reinforced when Lorne approaches him. Thankfully, his greeting is considerably restrained and he snaps to attention directly in front of John and salutes him smartly. John returns the salute as best he can in his current state before reaching out to shake the man's hand.
“It's good to have you back, sir,” Lorne says, his sincerity clear in the both the tone of his voice and the firmness of his grasp. “She's just as you left her.”
“Good to be back, Major,” John replies. “I'm sure you've been doing an admirable job in my absence.” He's surprised when Lorne releases his hand only to turn to Rodney and repeat his whole performance, salute followed by handshake.
“I knew you'd do it, sir,” Lorne says to Rodney.
“Yes, well,” Rodney replies, looking ever so slightly uncomfortable. “I may have had some help... so thank you.”
As Lorne nods to them both and moves away, John turns his head to look at Rodney fully. “Rodney?” he queries.
Rodney waves away his question and, before he can demand more information, the next well-wisher arrives in the form of Radek. Radek shakes his hand, beaming at him all the while. He too turns to Rodney, cocking his head to the side as he looks at him.
“Yes, yes,” Rodney says with a much put upon sigh. “Couldn't have done it without you - a joint effort and all that.”
Radek laughs before his face turns serious again. “I am glad for you, Rodney,” he says, reaching out to clap Rodney on the shoulder. “This is mostly your doing.”
“Thank you, Radek,” Rodney replies. “Seriously, I...”
“Pffft,” Radek says, his eyes sparkling with mirth as he waves away Rodney's words. “What did I do? I knew nothing, remember.”
John looks curiously from Radek's departing back to Rodney's oddly expressionless face and shakes his head. Once he's feeling better, he's definitely got to get to the bottom of what exactly Rodney has done to pull off his rescue. As it is, he'd like nothing more than to be able to escape the chaos of the jumper bay and return to the peace of his quarters, but he knows that it’s not to be. At the very least, he has a long visit to the infirmary in his future.
****
His prediction soon becomes a reality and, what's likely to be a fair number of hours later, John finds himself awakening to the familiar sights of the infirmary. He stretches his body out, luxuriating in the lack of pain and the simple pleasure of his muscles shifting and flexing under his mental command. Because that's one of the worst things he recalls about his time in that damn coffin - the loss of control of his body and his mind. He shudders at the memory - the confusion, the blindness, the paralysis... He feels his heart start to race and forces himself to take a deep, calming breath.
The sound of the infirmary door opening captures his attention and John is only too grateful for the distraction. When Teyla and Ronon enter, he feels a smile start to stretch over his face. As they spot him and start to approach his bed, he finds his gaze straying behind them, searching. His smile falters slightly; Rodney isn't with them. He busies himself by bracing his arms on either side of his body and pushing up with his legs, moving himself so that he's sitting upright and leaning against the wall.
“John,” Teyla says, her smile bright as she moves swiftly to his bedside, leaning down to briefly bring their foreheads together. “You are looking so much better!”
Ronon grunts. “It'd be hard for him to look worse,” he says. “Good thing they got all that shit out of you, Sheppard.”
John looks down at himself and recalls the painful and slightly itchy sensation of the mess of wires and tubes that had connected him to the Ancient accelerator. He breathes a sigh of relief. “Yeah,” is all he can say as he looks up to Ronon again, who is pulling a chair up to the bed.
Declining the proffered chair, Teyla perches herself on the edge of his bed as Ronon takes the seat. Her face goes serious and she glances over to Ronon for a moment before returning her steady gaze to John.
“What?” John asks, feeling himself come alert even though there isn't really a thing he can do lying in an infirmary bed dressed in nothing by a hospital gown.
“John,” Teyla begins. “While you have been recovering, we've been speaking to Elizabeth. There are several...” she pauses, apparently searching for the correct word, “issues which we now need to resolve.”
“Go on,” John prompts.
“Well, the first is what to do about your abduction. Elizabeth and Major Lorne are on Catara at the moment, discussing what has happened with Quoron,” she says. “Elizabeth believes it is in everyone's best interests if Trin and the others involved in his plan are brought to justice on Catara.”
John nods at this; it's what he would have expected from Elizabeth - a just and diplomatically-tactful resolution. “Okay,” he says. “That sounds reasonable.”
Teyla nods, apparently pleased with his response. John mentally shrugs, as much as he'd like to see his captors brought to justice here, he knows that is not something that is practical. No, far better to continue to act with Catara's government and therefore hopefully be able to salvage something from the mess.
“The next issue has to do with the IOA,” she says.
“Ah, yes,” John says, looking up at her with renewed interest. “I've been meaning to ask you guys what exactly you did to get me back?”
Teyla breaks into a smile at this. “Only what we had to, John,” she says, reaching out to touch his arm briefly. “And we were glad to do it. But our actions have caused some concerns at the IOA.”
Ronon grunts derisively, and John has to agree with him, despite what Elizabeth may want from her military commander, John has never been able to work up the supposedly proper amount of respect for the IOA. Teyla shoots them both a quelling look before continuing. “Needless to say, our mission to rescue you was unauthorised. We had, in fact, been ordered to give up on searching for you completely. The thing is, John, that it wasn't unexpected - we'd been searching for months with no leads whatsoever.”
John nods; he can understand that, the need to draw a line at last so that everyone remaining can move forward. “What changed?” he asks.
“Nothing changed,” Teyla says, “but something... happened.”
Ronon lets out a snort of laughter. “Yeah,” he says with a grin, “McKay happened.”
“Rodney?” John asks, endeavouring to keep his voice steady despite the sudden pounding of his heart.
“Yes, Rodney,” Teyla replies. “And that, I think, is the final issue. Rodney.”
“He's really something, you know,” Ronon says, shaking his head. “For someone who's just a scared scientist. He just wouldn't give up on you - got us together, hatched a kick-ass plan, got you home.”
“Your loss hit us all hard, John,” Teyla adds. “But Rodney... he suffered more keenly that anyone. John, he cares for you very much.”
John swallows thickly. “I know,” he says softly, thinking back to the moment he realised that he could hear Rodney's voice from the dark. “I ...I....” he stumbles, searching fruitlessly for the words.
“And I am not sure,” Teyla continues, her gaze deadly serious as she meets his. “How well he is coping now that you are back.”
It's not until much later, when Teyla and Ronon have left him to his thoughts, when Elizabeth has come and gone, and when he's finally released from the infirmary with strict instructions to rest, that he's finally able to seek out Rodney. Because now, as ever, John Sheppard is a man with a plan.
~*~
Present Day
It's been hours and Rodney still feels lost - groundless, as if he's been cast adrift in a sea of emotions he has no knowledge of how to safely navigate. He doesn't understand himself at all; he's spent the past three months looking for John. He was lost then - in denial, grasping at straws, hopelessly searching for something that his common sense told him could not really exist.
But, it turns out that it did exist; the answer was there, just waiting for him to discover it. And he had - they had, his friends had gathered around him, put their trust in him and, with their help, John had been found. Alive and whole and finally home.
So why isn't Rodney happy? Or relieved? Or... anything? He sighs and shakes his head, pushing himself to his feet and making his way across his quarters to stare sightlessly out of the window. But maybe those aren't the right questions, because he does feel all those things and many more besides. It's more like he feels too much - like the emotions inside him are battling each other for dominance and, in the interim, he's left without any.
So perhaps the right question is not how does he feel, but what is he doing? Why is he hiding here in his quarters instead of sitting in the infirmary at John's bedside, waiting with the rest of his team for him to wake up? Rodney straightens as he asks himself that question, because this is one question to which he knows the answer. Because the answer is both staggeringly simple and amazingly complex.
He's here because he doesn't want to be there.
It had almost been too much in the jumper bay; all those people clustering around John, touching him, hugging him, welcoming him home. Rodney had been only too glad to escape the melee and take John down to the infirmary with Teyla and Ronon. He'd felt a return to near normal as the four of them had crowded into the transporter, John leaning into him, his hand curling around the nape of Rodney's neck and Rodney's arm wrapped tightly around John's waist. But then they'd arrived at the infirmary and Rodney'd had to let John go, had no choice but to hand him over to the medical staff and allow Teyla to usher him back up the tower to meet with Elizabeth.
He'd escaped as soon as he was able, many hours later of course, and headed immediately down to the quiet of his quarters. Teyla and Ronon had cornered him in the corridor before he'd reached his goal and tried to convince him to come with them to the infirmary, but something inside Rodney had clenched up at the mere thought doing so. So he'd refused, waved them off and ran away. He knows he won't be allowed to hide for long; Teyla had that determined look on her face as she'd listened to his excuses, but he's managed it for now. He'll take what he can get.
It had all happened so fast, the thing with John. One moment John was Rodney's best friend and then the next he was... something else... something more. And then he was gone.
John's loss had affected Rodney more than he would ever have thought possible. He remembers how crushed he'd felt when they'd all thought John had died in the nuclear explosion Rodney himself had created and then how utterly elated he'd been when John's voice came through the comms from the Daedulus. What he'd experienced then was nothing when compared to the soul-crushing agony he'd felt when John had disappeared on Catara and continued to be lost for months afterwards. It had, to put it simply, been too much and Rodney'd had no choice but to lock up his emotions or face going mad with grief. Instead, he'd been able to channel his not inconsiderable energies into the search - his commitment to his work growing as his true feelings for John continued to be suppressed.
But ever since the plan had been put into action, his feelings had started to slip free. The insidious trickle of hope first of all, followed swiftly by a touch of fear and a fair amount of resolve. As the mission had proceeded, he'd cycled through worry and into anger. These contrasted sharply with utter relief and ecstatic joy. And then it had all come to a head with a growing flood of want, need and, strongest of all, love.
So Rodney had fled. Because he just can't sit back and watch while John interacts with everyone else - letting himself touch and be touched, smile and laugh and talk. It's too much for Rodney to bear, because he wants John to be his not theirs.
It's a sobering thought and one he's now aware he's been forestalling for many months. It's not something with which he could have coped when John was gone and now... well, he's not sure it's something he can cope with now either.
Just then his thoughts are interrupted by the chime of his door. He rolls his eyes as he strides over to open it, prepared to meet Teyla's implacable gaze on the other side. He's greeted by hazel eyes and messy hair instead; he immediately takes a few steps back, totally unprepared.
“Rodney?” John asks, stepping cautiously into the room. “Hey, I was... well, I was wondering how you were doing.”
“What are you doing here?” is all Rodney can think of to say.
John laughs. “Well, they finally set me free from the infirmary and I...” he pauses, bringing up a hand to rub the back of his neck. “Well, I wanted to come see you.”
Rodney swallows and takes a deep breath. “Why?”
A fond look crosses John's features at the question. “Because,” he replies, taking a step towards Rodney, “I wanted to.”
Rodney shakes his head in denial, taking a step backwards and lifting a hand involuntarily to ward John off. “No,” he says. “No.”
“No?” John repeats, his brow furrowed in confusion. “I don't understand.” He shakes his head and then his expression softens as he takes another step towards Rodney. “Rodney, I-”
“I said no,” Rodney interrupts almost desperately. “I... I just can't, alright? Please, John, just leave it.”
But John just shakes his head, reaching out for Rodney again. His hand brushes lightly against Rodney's cheek and Rodney jumps back as if scalded.
“No!” he shouts, suddenly furious. “Don't you get it? I want you to go; just get out!” He flings a hand towards his door, willing John to leave before he falls completely to pieces.
John stays.
Rodney closes his eyes and lets out a long huff of air. “You just don't get it, do you?” he asks, somewhat calmer, opening his eyes to regard John as steadily as he is able. “I mean, do you have any idea what it was like when you were gone? What it felt like to know you were missing? How it damn near destroyed me to think that you might be dead?” He's almost shouting again now, his breathing hard and harsh, his body tight as the pain he's kept contained for so long finally comes bursting to the fore.
“No, Rodney,” John replies softly. “I don't know, tell me.”
“I couldn't bear it, John!” he shouts in response. “You were gone and I... I just couldn't...” He breaks off as he hears his voice crack and feels the hot burn of tears in his eyes. He turns away, bowing his head in shame.
“I don't know what it was like for you,” John says. “But I know what it was like for me. I know that I was lost; that I didn't know anything - not who I was or what was happening to me - I only knew the darkness and the silence and the pain. That was my whole life, Rodney. It was all I knew, all there was... until you came for me. You changed that - the pain stopped, my memories returned and, Rodney, I heard your voice.”
As Rodney listens to John's words, he feels the hope flutter up inside him again -- maybe this can work after all... Maybe he and John can-- But, no, it can't, they can't. No matter what John might say now, it would never last. Somehow or other, it would ultimately end and Rodney now knows that he simply isn't strong enough to go through that again.
“It doesn't matter,” he says, keeping his back to John. “It's too hard - I can't go through that all again, John... I just can't.”
Suddenly he feels strong arms close around him from behind, holding him firmly as John's voice sounds low in his ear. “But, Rodney, isn't what we have together - everything - worth it?”
Rodney shudders in helpless reaction. He can feel the warmth and strength of John's body pressed so tightly against his own. It's so welcome, so very necessary, that he finds himself leaning back into John's embrace without any conscious thought.
“Rodney,” John says again, speaking directly into Rodney's ear, his hot puffs of breath sending shivers racing down Rodney's spine. “Isn't it?”
Rodney's knees threaten to buckle as John’s hands start to move over his chest, stroking firmly over his pecs and moving to brush over his nipples. He hisses in reaction, his body moving with John's caresses, his chest pushing forward into John's hands as his ass thrusts back into the cradle of John's hips. He moans softly as he feels the hard ridge of John's erection between his cheeks and the answering movement of John's hips as John starts to grind himself slowly against Rodney's body. In his pants, Rodney's own cock, already half-hard, pulses quickly to full erection.
Suddenly, John moves away and Rodney has to move fast to stop himself for falling backwards now that he is no longer being supported. Before he can think about what he's doing, he turns to face John, a question on his lips.
“What? Why did you...?” His words die as he registers the look on John's face.
“I know what I want, Rodney,” John says, his eyes dark with serious intent. “But you have to be sure too.”
This dampens Rodney's arousal slightly as his lust-glazed brain slowly cranks back into action. He tilts his head to one side as he considers John's words and the solemn tone with which they are said. “I... I...”
“You have to be sure,” John says again.
Rodney freezes as yet another rush of emotion floods through him. John's gaze drops to the floor and he then looks away with self-conscious laugh. “Well, I guess that answers that,” he mutters to himself. “I'll see you round then, Rodney,” he says as he turns to go, still avoiding Rodney's eye.
“No!” Rodney shouts, his volition returning. He hadn't realised - it hadn't occurred to him until just now, when John turned away from him - that he can still lose John. That even if John is still on Atlantis, if Rodney lets him go now, he will be lost to Rodney forever. That is simply not acceptable.
“No, don't go...” he says again as John pauses at his door, one hand already outstretched to swipe over the opening mechanism. “John, I am sure. I didn't... I didn't realise that I... well, that I want this too - want you.” Now it's his turn to approach John, reaching out to take John in his and hold him close. “All those people earlier... I couldn't... I just felt too much - I didn't know how to react. I wanted you to myself and I just...” He knows he's babbling, but he needs to explain, has to let John know just how much he needs him.
He feels it when John finally registers his words - the sudden relaxation in John's body and his exhalation of relief. He turns in Rodney's arms so they're now standing face to face. “Oh, thank god,” he says.
And then they're kissing. It's hot and needy and so damn good Rodney can't believe that he almost threw this away. God, it's perfect. John's mouth feels so utterly right against his own and Rodney has to have more of him. He opens his mouth wider, thrusting his tongue even deeper into John, needing to get as close to the man as is physically possible. In his arms, John feels just as desperate, his arms wrapped tightly around Rodney's shoulders as he pulls Rodney even closer to him. Rodney responds in kind, pushing John backwards so that his back is pressed up against the door and thrusting his thigh between John's legs.
John growls into Rodney's mouth in appreciation of their new position and starts grinding himself against Rodney's thigh. The sensation of John working his cock against Rodney's body sends a sharp bolt of arousal straight to Rodney's dick and he starts grinding himself into John's hip in return. They lose themselves for long minutes as they rub against each other, mouths still joined as they move against each other in tandem. It isn't until John's hands slip under the bottom of Rodney' shirt to slide up his back that it occurs to Rodney that he can have more of John.
John makes a soft groan of protest as Rodney pulls himself away from him, his hand tightening around Rodney to pull him back. He does, however, get with the programme when Rodney moves his hands to the bottom of John's t-shirt and starts to pull it up. They both surge into action then and it becomes something of a race to see who can strip who faster. It turns out that they're both winners when John pulls Rodney back to him and, this time, they're naked in each other's arms.
Rodney lets out a moan of pleasure as their erections meet. John answers in kind, thrusting his tongue into Rodney's mouth for a deep kiss as he reaches down between their bodies to squeeze their cocks together. But, as amazing as it feels to slide his dick alongside John's, Rodney wants more. Folding his hands around John's shoulders, Rodney pulls him away from the wall and then towards his bed. He stumbles a couple of times, partly because John still has his hand around Rodney's dick, pumping him slowly, and partly because of the piles of crap that still are scattered throughout his quarters. He really needs to clear up, but later - John's thumb swipes over the tip of Rodney's leaking erection and Rodney gasps - much later.
They make it without further incident to Rodney's bed which is, thankfully, clutter free. John releases his grip on Rodney's cock and Rodney collapses down onto the bed with a thud, spreading his arms and legs wide in invitation. John stands over him, looking down at Rodney with eyes dark with lust. When John licks his lips, Rodney finds himself reaching down between his legs to wrap his fist around his cock, pulling on it languidly as John's eyes darken still further. Rodney's eyes trace down over John's body, taking in the firm planes of his chest, his peaked nipples only just visible through his whorls of dark hair. Rodney winces a bit in sympathy as he takes in the evidence of John's time stuck in the casket - the patches of red skin which are still slightly inflamed - but is soon distracted by John's body once more. His belly is taut and flat, the strong muscles of his lateral obliques clearly visible and Rodney's gaze is drawn down them to where John's cock is standing, flushed dark and leaking. Rodney's hand moves in harder strokes down his own cock at the sight and he has to have more.
“John,” Rodney says, his eyes moving back up to John's lust-slack face, reaching his free hand out in entreaty.
John's response is instant, before Rodney has time to blink; John is on the bed on him, his elbows braced on either side of Rodney's chest as he hovers over Rodney. Moving slowly, John leans down and brushes his mouth softly over Rodney's. Rodney's lips part at once and John takes what he offers, covering his lips more firmly and plunging his tongue in deep.
As they kiss, John slowly lowers his body on to Rodney's, settling his groin into the cradle of Rodney's hips. Rodney bucks up at the contact, his dick sliding wetly alongside John's, their pre-com easing the rub to a delicious friction. But Rodney wants more still - he needs more, needs to feel all of John deep inside him.
Canting his hips, Rodney manages to get John's cock to slide down the crease of his ass during their next thrust. John freezes immediately, pulling back from their kiss to stare down at Rodney with his eyes wide. Rodney nods in answer to his unspoken query and John groans, bending back down to kiss Rodney thoroughly, his tongue thrusting in and out of Rodney's mouth in a decidedly suggestive manner.
They're both panting hard when John pulls back and starts to move down Rodney's body, pausing for long moments to press sucking kisses down Rodney's neck and along his collar bone, to tongue and suck at his nipples and to dip into the deep well of his navel. When he's positioned between Rodney's spread thighs, he looks up at Rodney and raises an eyebrow. Rodney reaches out to snag a bottle of lube and a condom from his bedside cabinet, handing both over to John. As he draws his hand back, John catches hold of his wrist and places a soft kiss to his palm.
Rodney relaxes back on the bed as John gently prepares him. He lavishes attention to Rodney's cock first of all, pressing soft kisses down one side before pausing at the base and then slowly dragging the flat of his tongue up its entire length, pausing at the top to look up at Rodney as he flicks the very tip of his tongue teasingly across the slit. Rodney groans aloud at the sensation and the sight of John sucking his cock. When John opens his mouth wide, wrapping his lips around the head of Rodney's cock, Rodney feels his lubed fingers trail down between his cheeks of his ass to circle his hole. John swallows him down to the root as he gently presses his finger deep into Rodney's body.
Rodney is lost to sensation - the hot wet pull of John's mouth, the heady burn of John's fingers as they stretched him open, the pain gradually merging with a deep pleasure as he's coaxed wide open, hungry and begging for John's cock. When John pulls his fingers free, Rodney forces his eyes open so he can watch John fumble on the condom and slather lube down his length.
“Ready?” John asks.
“More than,” Rodney replies, lifting his legs up to his chest, spreading himself open for John.
John's breath catches at the sight, but his eyes are alight as he looks back up to Rodney's face. “That's my Rodney,” he says fondly, reaching out to brace Rodney's legs on his shoulders.
The position is awkward at first, but any thoughts of that disappear completely as Rodney feels the snub head of John's cock at his hole, gasping slightly as it slowly breaches his body. He breathes deeply, concentrating on relaxing his muscles and on the look of wonder on John's face as he enters him fully. John pauses once he's buried as deep inside Rodney as he can go, bending down to kiss Rodney. Rodney kisses him back - pleasure and pain and relief and love all coalescing inside him. It makes it finally real, having John buried so deep inside him and looking at him with such love - John is home.
Everything is then lost to the pleasure of John thrusting into him, over and over again. John's strokes are hard and even, filling Rodney perfectly with every thrust. He tries various angles before Rodney feels the sharp starburst of pleasure, arching up with a near-scream as John hits his prostate. John grunts in response and speeds up, nailing Rodney's prostate with every thrust, fucking Rodney so perfectly that Rodney knows he's not going to be able to hold off much longer. He locks his feet together in the small of John's back and does his best to move with John.
As if reading his mind, John gasps out, “God, Rodney, so fucking good... so close - touch yourself.”
Rodney has no sooner reached down and wrapped his fingers around his cock, then he's coming, spurting thickly all over belly, his ass clenching tightly around John's cock as John continues to thrust into him. John's moan echoes Rodney's as he fucks forward into Rodney a few more times, then he too is throwing his head back, his hips stuttering uncontrollably and Rodney feels the warm pulse of his release deep in his ass through the fading pleasure of his own orgasm.
He's still floating in the aftermath as John pulls back and his now softened cock slips wetly from Rodney's body. John helps him to straighten out his legs before reaching up to kiss him deeply. It's a soft kiss, deep and happy and full of love. John pulls back, smiling and rolls, with enviable grace, out of the bed and pads over to the bathroom. Rodney watches him go with a sleepy gaze that doesn't stop him from enjoying how John's trademark swagger shows off his assets. He hears the sound of water running and is unsurprised when John reappears a few minutes later, towel in hand. After gently cleaning Rodney off, John returns to the bed and wraps himself around Rodney, his chest warm against Rodney's back and his arm a comforting weight across Rodney's middle.
“You don't have to share me, you know, Rodney. I'm with you,” John whispers, his voice coming in soft gusts of breath against Rodney's nape. “No matter what happens, I'm not planning on going anywhere.”
Rodney's eyes squeeze closed as joy illuminates him from within. “Me either,” he replies softly, snuggling back into John's embrace. He knows, of course, that he does have to share John, but, lying sated in John's arms, he finds that he's actually okay with that. It is enough to have this now, because he knows that he will always have had it, even if the unthinkable were someday to really happen. In an uncertain galaxy in dangerous times, happiness is not something to be treated lightly, rather it is something to be cherished.
“Whatever happens,” he pledges in return, “I'm with you.”
~fin~
‘I hold it true, what’re befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost;
Than to have never loved at all.’
Extract from Canto 27 of In Memoriam A.H.H., a stunningly beautiful poem about love and loss, friendship and faith by Alfred Lord Tennyson.
The original post to 'When I Sorrow Most' on sga_santa is here.