"Reconsider This" or to whom it may concern...
the hardest part by far of all this...not the court costs,the bail bonds,the jail time,the humilation already suffered by us both,the prosecution,the legal mumbo jumbo,the lack of sleep,the loss of appetite,the uncontrollable tear shedding,the constant reminders,the empty apartment (i have chosen to stay) the chills,the nausea,the upset stomach,the time missed at work,how much my next much needed paycheck will suck,the what ifs and how comes....any of these pale in comparison to my condition of release stating that i am unable to contact someone i have spoken to everyday of the last 2 years of my life...no questions,no answers...no chance for an apology....no saying god damn goodbye.
she is going back to TX. i thought they said you cant go back home.
well i suppose i did. so can she.
i really didnt wanna come back. i wish now i had either never come back or never left to begin with.
i was coerced and pushed to move sooner than i had planned from the beginning.
then i was pressured into a compromise on sharing another one bedroom apartment after one failed previous attempt.
there wont be a third chance at striking out.
this pain is crippling. mentally,psychically traumatizing.
for the both of us,
i am still human after all.
i am not a monster.
i was blinded by rage,
and unbeknownst to some...fueled by alcohol.
coming home to an emppty apartment raised some questions. where is she? how did she get there? how long will she be gone?
only took me 2 guesses to discover the sad reality...she was left with other choice than hide out from me rather confront me on our problems.
i hope it wasnt all her idea. i stressed how much i preferred honesty and openness REGARDLESS of whether the other person liked what you had top say.
holding it in,keeping it bottled up,trying to supress it with drinking....NEVER DOES ANYONE ANY GOOD.
i am sick.
i need help.
i agreed to come home to FL with empty promises and unfulfilled aspirations at getting a fresh new start.
i cant tell anyone how to live anymore.
i can only hope ...that attempt can be made to distance one self from such unfortunate incidents...and better one self through not living in the past.
by not going back to what is familiar. steer clear of negative influences and dangerous environments. without naming names or pointing fingers....there are those who will now claim to be there for you,but where have they been up until now.
you should know by now who youre real friends are.
or are they only there when THEY themselves need something.
same can be said for family members....you know who to turn to,
and you know who to avoid.
again...by no means can i control your decisions or sway your opinions in any way...its not up to me anymore.
its all in your hands,
myself...i now that poisoning myself with mind altering substances got me in this mess...maybe its time i cut back on some excessive/compulsive habits of my own.
try not to fall back in the same tired groove that wore you out last time around.
find another groove to get into.
you know the kind of job you are capable of obtaining.
finish out that schooling you were wanting to wrap up once and for all.
make it that much closer to the next stage in life.
and dont look back.
perhaps...and this is a long shot...but it may do some good to try out some outside advice. therapy.
psychiatric? i dont think youre the one that needs any,
possibly from some other source. one you may not too familiar with.
one i may try,cause im desperate to see what kind of miracles can be perfomed on me,to rediscover.
at least it sounds like a decent plan right now.
is texas safer than florida?
those undesirable types...surely now they will come out of the woodwork for you knowing youre back on your own and that your miserable failure of a fiance sent you back in only 90 days time. should you decide to recreate the past....places like Bennigans (the amandas,taras and vanessa are there...with new names and faces),Ridgmar Movie Tavern (maybe its time you give Animal a second chance...and i guess my worst nightmare has come true....no fiance means Leah and Animal can have you as much as they want...perhaps together or trading off....youre so much above those days and alot better than that,im just revealing some of my worst fears again) Angie and Star and Gwen...people i know very little about...im sure they have their own crap to deal with now...
but they can easily come back into your life at time of need like now....Katy in OK...Krystle and her new child.Chaddie and Zach.
its not like youre without options.
i just wish things here would gone differenly from the beginning.
we didnt learn from our AMLI fiasco...maybe living together before we were married wasnt the best plan.
cheaper...but in long run. not by any means. we lasted 10 months.
as with The Fifth Season. same lack of privacy issues. i prefer my own space. you allow me it. i dont stay in the bathroom for hours to avoid you or not come home right away for any other reason than i am a bit of a loner who can only think straight when i am without distraction. seldom can i do 2 things at once. maybe have tv on while on the computer...or music. but other that that....its hard for me to focus.
and it was you i should of been focusing on clearly...blatantly obvious now that its too late.
life has these little valuable tidbits it throws at you when its far too late and youve already fucked up beyond repair.
now i can go to the grave a sad,lonely little man with knowledge of relationships i didnt have before.
only not ever able to put them to use again.
the only way i could see us together would be after everyone in our families had died before us. this way no one would be around to second guess or rain on our parade with any plans.
lack of planning on our part.
we fucked up.
i fucked up.
we both fucked up in many ways.
damn...my judgement until now was beyond clouded...it was tarnished by outside sources of tempation for my feeble bored fucking mind.
the computer brought us together...and eventually tore us apart at the seems.
MYSPACE.
your biggest fear became somewhat of a reality as you discovered ,straight from the (w)horses mouth,that i had tried to seduce your sister as i have heard referred to as.
it was another poor attempt at teaching someone a valuable lesson when my overzealous ass should have minded my own god damn business by cant leave well enough alone. i had to intervene and comment on pictures i found to be objectionable...in what supposed to have been considered tasteful and artful.
my mistake.
i guess after seeing the SAW movies...i have alot to learn about making people appreciate their lives and start living for today.
not to say i told you so....but somehow we both knew this was doomed from the start and this florida experiment was not meant to last.
i suppose we're even now? all debts considered forgiven.
things i would like to discuss....cannot at this moment in time.
without me i suppose it must seem to be.
i dread knowing what those around you must be whispering in your ear.
they cant offer advice...but not on anything they can even come close to knowing about.
this was OUR life. our love. our experience. our mistakes that hopefully we will both learn from.
better people can made from horrible events.
overcome obstacles set before you in life. they will make you better,stronger...( yes even....fitter,happier,more productive.)
its not about being physically strong enough in this instance.
its all mental and emotional strain. anguish.torture almost.
i have long considered myself in some way a glutton for punishment.
i can only take so much.
i wish to live in pain no more.
throwing in the towel.
on what exactly that entails...remains to be seen.
is there a reason for everything that happens?
i have yet to figure out any possible outcome that can be seen in a positive light.
my worst fear is being completely out of the loop of the whereabouts and well being ( surely...regardless of any circumstances....i did care...i do care....i have to care....how could i not? this is heart wrenching and brain twisting....)
i am unable to express in so many words just how much at a loss i am right now in life.
without a steady income right now...i would surely crumble into a state of no repair.
a point of no return.
my crappy job has become my saving grace.
that...and the only other female i have neglected for sometime now who i shall be getting reaquainted with.
my mother and my mothers aptly named dog,Sunshine...who someone always does manage to make you happy when skies are grey.
i cannot discuss details....of any further legalities of this matter and more than i have.
i just hope....and maybe even pray...seeing as He has been known to be there for those who need His guiding hand at times of need...and i need all the help i can get right now to assure the safety and well being of who i have come to realize ,in the most unfairly of ways, was my absolute other half...without doubt...without a shred of uncertainty.
i was taught a lesson in humility and of the age old "dont know what ya got til its gone" saying....
i am permantely scarred.
forever changed.
it will take time and more lessons to be learned to eventually become the person..and the man i aspire to be
if in fact i am driven to be all that i can be....so be it as well.
hopefully if i die for a cause...it will be a right just cause and not some bogus fabricated hidden agenda.
eye for an eye,tooth for a tooth,ashes to ashes,dust to dust
i will miss you to extents beyond a level any human cranial capacity could ever comprehend.
i miss you already.
i will never be the same. forever.
never.
ever.
my chest hurts and my arms shake as i feel that dreaded chill as if something bad is going to happen at any time.
i wish i could say ill be seeing you....
i can only hope you would not look back at me with the same hatred we have building inside of ourselves over the past few weeks.
i cant explain my actions.
only deeply regret them.
how much of a lesson do i need to be taught.
if only you or i knew and understood the ramifications of what were to happen following that fateful evening,i easily would of made my way back home and if not fallen asleep,then lied in bed with at least the knowledge you were safe and sound as from now on...i will be left in the dark.
i dont wanna be without knowing how you are.
if you care to know how i am getting along....you will always have access to such information.
i dont wanna lose the most valauble thing i ever discovered in my life...besides my own life.
that is the life of you. your health . your well being.
its not all physical attraction.
you werent by any chance in another one of your monthly visitors were you?
even though technically you werent able to have them...your body and mind still went through some kind of transformation,did they not?
i never fully understood just what the Depo shots exactly were doing to you.
ignorance on my part.
what else can be said.
this is a fucking novel.
this is my release of pent up emotions bottled up for days now.
i just want to see you before you leave.
i cant always get what i want despite whatever i may think.
at the start of today,i had almost been persuaded until later reflection made me realize it was a lawyer of all people talking me out of having anything to do with you for the rest of my days.
the worst part of it....scariest part to me....was that what he was saying was making perfect sense to me, at the time.
anyone that would call the police on me rather than choose to communicate with me did not care for my well being before we ever got into any altercation.
you never would of put me through that mental anguish...that hell i endured in trying to just know what room you were in.
i tried the front office....all i got was a no vacancy sign with no one in sight.
i contemplated knocking on the door you were parked in front of.
my 100 mph brain was thinking that was too easy an assumption...that you had parked there but were staying in a room nowhere near to ensure your privacy (not your safety...i have no reason to believe you should have been fearing your safety just for moving out without telling me.)
if i had even received a text message saying im staying at the knights inn...please dont come and find me...i could have easily rested with that knowledge.
now onto other matter....the numbers you found in my phone. i'd like to know why you have had such suspicions all along of me . regardless of when i come home,or what i tell you. you still never learned to just trust that i was out cause i preferred to not come right home. weird,yes. as weird as anything else i would do. (2 hour toilet sitting anyone? wet dreams,jerking off while you laid naked right next to me. )
i dont know what the fuck made me so turned off by you as you think me to have been...i dont think i was...i just learned that it was not a lack of attraction to you...it was an overall out of shape laziness on my part...hoestly and truly this is what i have discovered...with all aching feet issues and the recent development of a hemorroid not to mention the 4 or 5 shits a day i was taking...it was hard to feel sexy even if you wanted me still....please read my words carefully and try to make some sense of all this. the only thing i wish for is you to have some kind of understanding as to my logic or way of thinking these past weeks)
this will have to explained at some other time when i feeling up to it. right now its 6 am and i am anticipating waking up and going to work here on Friday as i have missed 2 days so far this week.and Nathan has been out as well.
i am not sure if i should be ending this by saying i love you....but i suppose its appropriate if i say i care about immensely and if i never get to see you or speak to again...i wanted you to at least have something. you have no idea how much i think the way what we helped build together for 2 years suddenly collapsed in all around us. we groomed and trained each other to our liking...and now to think someone else can come along and fuck it all up.
are you looking forward to starting over? a new golden opportunity awaits you...
i damn sure am dreading the thought honestly...believe me having a woman touch me now..if ever...is not at the top of my list of priorites...even having my mother grab me or try to hug me....awkward to say the least. at first i thought well maybe finally we will get what we may have wanted...freedom? (on a side note...i know a definite turning point was after that comment i made saying "throw the gillian down the well...so canoli can be free" but dude...that seriously was not to make you upset or worried over that becoming a reality. for quite some time i have separated fantasy from reality and by making the comments i made to not only Mary but also Alexis...it tore down sort of barrier in your mind. and maybe in mine.
but the important thing as i have said many time...is as long as i dont act on those fantasies...they are harmless thoughts to have.
you now have a better understaning of the male way of thinking..its not always our brains that think for us.
which is why,you wont becoming with any males from now on if i remember what you said of i ever were to break your heart.
just know,my dear....no ones heart hurts worse than mine....having realized what the fuck i did once i sobered up and realized i was in jail.
and this time in inmate uniform...in a cold dark damp cell. the one i successfully managed to avoid my last time around.
this time it took longer cause the bond was way higher...and i was much more leaning toward suicide as i informed the medical personnel who evaluated me...i must have pretty convining cause they made me promise i wasnt gonna hurt myself in order to be released...as well as the condition of release prohibiting me from contacting you.
god damn it Gillian...i dont know what else to say....not that i havent said a fucking lifetime full here,...but just,i cant find a way to explain enough to you here. and i cant think of a way to wrap this up.
fuck will my life ever be the same?
are you able to just up and leave? is it gonna that easy for you to do considering the events that unfolded.
so much i was looking forward to believe it or not for us.
i need to someone to have around to tell unimportant shit to.
christ you became what i had in Charlie not too long ago. you and i could discuss wrestling...he hasnt even been watching.
i made you everything i wanted in a woman...then got bored with you and literally discarded you and threw you away,.
why the fuck would a reasonably sane mind do such a thing
for that i have no fucking idea.
if anything...i just wish,not for anything unrealistic...but to just start with what can i do...we do....to get beyond this point.
where do we go from here? we went our separate ways.
i guess the rest is up to you.
what now?
sincerely yours,
Brian
she is going back to TX. i thought they said you cant go back home.
well i suppose i did. so can she.
i really didnt wanna come back. i wish now i had either never come back or never left to begin with.
i was coerced and pushed to move sooner than i had planned from the beginning.
then i was pressured into a compromise on sharing another one bedroom apartment after one failed previous attempt.
there wont be a third chance at striking out.
this pain is crippling. mentally,psychically traumatizing.
for the both of us,
i am still human after all.
i am not a monster.
i was blinded by rage,
and unbeknownst to some...fueled by alcohol.
coming home to an emppty apartment raised some questions. where is she? how did she get there? how long will she be gone?
only took me 2 guesses to discover the sad reality...she was left with other choice than hide out from me rather confront me on our problems.
i hope it wasnt all her idea. i stressed how much i preferred honesty and openness REGARDLESS of whether the other person liked what you had top say.
holding it in,keeping it bottled up,trying to supress it with drinking....NEVER DOES ANYONE ANY GOOD.
i am sick.
i need help.
i agreed to come home to FL with empty promises and unfulfilled aspirations at getting a fresh new start.
i cant tell anyone how to live anymore.
i can only hope ...that attempt can be made to distance one self from such unfortunate incidents...and better one self through not living in the past.
by not going back to what is familiar. steer clear of negative influences and dangerous environments. without naming names or pointing fingers....there are those who will now claim to be there for you,but where have they been up until now.
you should know by now who youre real friends are.
or are they only there when THEY themselves need something.
same can be said for family members....you know who to turn to,
and you know who to avoid.
again...by no means can i control your decisions or sway your opinions in any way...its not up to me anymore.
its all in your hands,
myself...i now that poisoning myself with mind altering substances got me in this mess...maybe its time i cut back on some excessive/compulsive habits of my own.
try not to fall back in the same tired groove that wore you out last time around.
find another groove to get into.
you know the kind of job you are capable of obtaining.
finish out that schooling you were wanting to wrap up once and for all.
make it that much closer to the next stage in life.
and dont look back.
perhaps...and this is a long shot...but it may do some good to try out some outside advice. therapy.
psychiatric? i dont think youre the one that needs any,
possibly from some other source. one you may not too familiar with.
one i may try,cause im desperate to see what kind of miracles can be perfomed on me,to rediscover.
at least it sounds like a decent plan right now.
is texas safer than florida?
those undesirable types...surely now they will come out of the woodwork for you knowing youre back on your own and that your miserable failure of a fiance sent you back in only 90 days time. should you decide to recreate the past....places like Bennigans (the amandas,taras and vanessa are there...with new names and faces),Ridgmar Movie Tavern (maybe its time you give Animal a second chance...and i guess my worst nightmare has come true....no fiance means Leah and Animal can have you as much as they want...perhaps together or trading off....youre so much above those days and alot better than that,im just revealing some of my worst fears again) Angie and Star and Gwen...people i know very little about...im sure they have their own crap to deal with now...
but they can easily come back into your life at time of need like now....Katy in OK...Krystle and her new child.Chaddie and Zach.
its not like youre without options.
i just wish things here would gone differenly from the beginning.
we didnt learn from our AMLI fiasco...maybe living together before we were married wasnt the best plan.
cheaper...but in long run. not by any means. we lasted 10 months.
as with The Fifth Season. same lack of privacy issues. i prefer my own space. you allow me it. i dont stay in the bathroom for hours to avoid you or not come home right away for any other reason than i am a bit of a loner who can only think straight when i am without distraction. seldom can i do 2 things at once. maybe have tv on while on the computer...or music. but other that that....its hard for me to focus.
and it was you i should of been focusing on clearly...blatantly obvious now that its too late.
life has these little valuable tidbits it throws at you when its far too late and youve already fucked up beyond repair.
now i can go to the grave a sad,lonely little man with knowledge of relationships i didnt have before.
only not ever able to put them to use again.
the only way i could see us together would be after everyone in our families had died before us. this way no one would be around to second guess or rain on our parade with any plans.
lack of planning on our part.
we fucked up.
i fucked up.
we both fucked up in many ways.
damn...my judgement until now was beyond clouded...it was tarnished by outside sources of tempation for my feeble bored fucking mind.
the computer brought us together...and eventually tore us apart at the seems.
MYSPACE.
your biggest fear became somewhat of a reality as you discovered ,straight from the (w)horses mouth,that i had tried to seduce your sister as i have heard referred to as.
it was another poor attempt at teaching someone a valuable lesson when my overzealous ass should have minded my own god damn business by cant leave well enough alone. i had to intervene and comment on pictures i found to be objectionable...in what supposed to have been considered tasteful and artful.
my mistake.
i guess after seeing the SAW movies...i have alot to learn about making people appreciate their lives and start living for today.
not to say i told you so....but somehow we both knew this was doomed from the start and this florida experiment was not meant to last.
i suppose we're even now? all debts considered forgiven.
things i would like to discuss....cannot at this moment in time.
without me i suppose it must seem to be.
i dread knowing what those around you must be whispering in your ear.
they cant offer advice...but not on anything they can even come close to knowing about.
this was OUR life. our love. our experience. our mistakes that hopefully we will both learn from.
better people can made from horrible events.
overcome obstacles set before you in life. they will make you better,stronger...( yes even....fitter,happier,more productive.)
its not about being physically strong enough in this instance.
its all mental and emotional strain. anguish.torture almost.
i have long considered myself in some way a glutton for punishment.
i can only take so much.
i wish to live in pain no more.
throwing in the towel.
on what exactly that entails...remains to be seen.
is there a reason for everything that happens?
i have yet to figure out any possible outcome that can be seen in a positive light.
my worst fear is being completely out of the loop of the whereabouts and well being ( surely...regardless of any circumstances....i did care...i do care....i have to care....how could i not? this is heart wrenching and brain twisting....)
i am unable to express in so many words just how much at a loss i am right now in life.
without a steady income right now...i would surely crumble into a state of no repair.
a point of no return.
my crappy job has become my saving grace.
that...and the only other female i have neglected for sometime now who i shall be getting reaquainted with.
my mother and my mothers aptly named dog,Sunshine...who someone always does manage to make you happy when skies are grey.
i cannot discuss details....of any further legalities of this matter and more than i have.
i just hope....and maybe even pray...seeing as He has been known to be there for those who need His guiding hand at times of need...and i need all the help i can get right now to assure the safety and well being of who i have come to realize ,in the most unfairly of ways, was my absolute other half...without doubt...without a shred of uncertainty.
i was taught a lesson in humility and of the age old "dont know what ya got til its gone" saying....
i am permantely scarred.
forever changed.
it will take time and more lessons to be learned to eventually become the person..and the man i aspire to be
if in fact i am driven to be all that i can be....so be it as well.
hopefully if i die for a cause...it will be a right just cause and not some bogus fabricated hidden agenda.
eye for an eye,tooth for a tooth,ashes to ashes,dust to dust
i will miss you to extents beyond a level any human cranial capacity could ever comprehend.
i miss you already.
i will never be the same. forever.
never.
ever.
my chest hurts and my arms shake as i feel that dreaded chill as if something bad is going to happen at any time.
i wish i could say ill be seeing you....
i can only hope you would not look back at me with the same hatred we have building inside of ourselves over the past few weeks.
i cant explain my actions.
only deeply regret them.
how much of a lesson do i need to be taught.
if only you or i knew and understood the ramifications of what were to happen following that fateful evening,i easily would of made my way back home and if not fallen asleep,then lied in bed with at least the knowledge you were safe and sound as from now on...i will be left in the dark.
i dont wanna be without knowing how you are.
if you care to know how i am getting along....you will always have access to such information.
i dont wanna lose the most valauble thing i ever discovered in my life...besides my own life.
that is the life of you. your health . your well being.
its not all physical attraction.
you werent by any chance in another one of your monthly visitors were you?
even though technically you werent able to have them...your body and mind still went through some kind of transformation,did they not?
i never fully understood just what the Depo shots exactly were doing to you.
ignorance on my part.
what else can be said.
this is a fucking novel.
this is my release of pent up emotions bottled up for days now.
i just want to see you before you leave.
i cant always get what i want despite whatever i may think.
at the start of today,i had almost been persuaded until later reflection made me realize it was a lawyer of all people talking me out of having anything to do with you for the rest of my days.
the worst part of it....scariest part to me....was that what he was saying was making perfect sense to me, at the time.
anyone that would call the police on me rather than choose to communicate with me did not care for my well being before we ever got into any altercation.
you never would of put me through that mental anguish...that hell i endured in trying to just know what room you were in.
i tried the front office....all i got was a no vacancy sign with no one in sight.
i contemplated knocking on the door you were parked in front of.
my 100 mph brain was thinking that was too easy an assumption...that you had parked there but were staying in a room nowhere near to ensure your privacy (not your safety...i have no reason to believe you should have been fearing your safety just for moving out without telling me.)
if i had even received a text message saying im staying at the knights inn...please dont come and find me...i could have easily rested with that knowledge.
now onto other matter....the numbers you found in my phone. i'd like to know why you have had such suspicions all along of me . regardless of when i come home,or what i tell you. you still never learned to just trust that i was out cause i preferred to not come right home. weird,yes. as weird as anything else i would do. (2 hour toilet sitting anyone? wet dreams,jerking off while you laid naked right next to me. )
i dont know what the fuck made me so turned off by you as you think me to have been...i dont think i was...i just learned that it was not a lack of attraction to you...it was an overall out of shape laziness on my part...hoestly and truly this is what i have discovered...with all aching feet issues and the recent development of a hemorroid not to mention the 4 or 5 shits a day i was taking...it was hard to feel sexy even if you wanted me still....please read my words carefully and try to make some sense of all this. the only thing i wish for is you to have some kind of understanding as to my logic or way of thinking these past weeks)
this will have to explained at some other time when i feeling up to it. right now its 6 am and i am anticipating waking up and going to work here on Friday as i have missed 2 days so far this week.and Nathan has been out as well.
i am not sure if i should be ending this by saying i love you....but i suppose its appropriate if i say i care about immensely and if i never get to see you or speak to again...i wanted you to at least have something. you have no idea how much i think the way what we helped build together for 2 years suddenly collapsed in all around us. we groomed and trained each other to our liking...and now to think someone else can come along and fuck it all up.
are you looking forward to starting over? a new golden opportunity awaits you...
i damn sure am dreading the thought honestly...believe me having a woman touch me now..if ever...is not at the top of my list of priorites...even having my mother grab me or try to hug me....awkward to say the least. at first i thought well maybe finally we will get what we may have wanted...freedom? (on a side note...i know a definite turning point was after that comment i made saying "throw the gillian down the well...so canoli can be free" but dude...that seriously was not to make you upset or worried over that becoming a reality. for quite some time i have separated fantasy from reality and by making the comments i made to not only Mary but also Alexis...it tore down sort of barrier in your mind. and maybe in mine.
but the important thing as i have said many time...is as long as i dont act on those fantasies...they are harmless thoughts to have.
you now have a better understaning of the male way of thinking..its not always our brains that think for us.
which is why,you wont becoming with any males from now on if i remember what you said of i ever were to break your heart.
just know,my dear....no ones heart hurts worse than mine....having realized what the fuck i did once i sobered up and realized i was in jail.
and this time in inmate uniform...in a cold dark damp cell. the one i successfully managed to avoid my last time around.
this time it took longer cause the bond was way higher...and i was much more leaning toward suicide as i informed the medical personnel who evaluated me...i must have pretty convining cause they made me promise i wasnt gonna hurt myself in order to be released...as well as the condition of release prohibiting me from contacting you.
god damn it Gillian...i dont know what else to say....not that i havent said a fucking lifetime full here,...but just,i cant find a way to explain enough to you here. and i cant think of a way to wrap this up.
fuck will my life ever be the same?
are you able to just up and leave? is it gonna that easy for you to do considering the events that unfolded.
so much i was looking forward to believe it or not for us.
i need to someone to have around to tell unimportant shit to.
christ you became what i had in Charlie not too long ago. you and i could discuss wrestling...he hasnt even been watching.
i made you everything i wanted in a woman...then got bored with you and literally discarded you and threw you away,.
why the fuck would a reasonably sane mind do such a thing
for that i have no fucking idea.
if anything...i just wish,not for anything unrealistic...but to just start with what can i do...we do....to get beyond this point.
where do we go from here? we went our separate ways.
i guess the rest is up to you.
what now?
sincerely yours,
Brian