Some relief, but not enough

[the_browncoat]

Well, something interesting happened tonight. I don't know what it really means, but I'm hoping that in some small way it might be a step in the right direction. As most of you know I seem to gather online friends from my travels through chat rooms and such. Most I chat to for a while, then they just slowly fade into the ether. Anyway, there's one girl I've been talking to from Washington (sadly I forget whether it's DC or the state, but I'm thinking DC) that I've slowly developed a crush on. She's 17, a senior in high school, and Jewish to boot. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to noticing how other people act towards me or if a girl even likes me, but over the time we've talked it just seemed like she was flirting with me quite a bit in a not entirely too obvious sort of way, and I, in turn, I supposed flirted back in the same way. Because of this whole love-shyness deal, I may not feel comfortable flirting in real life, but it kind of seems natural online, weird. Anyway, it just seemed more and more that she liked me, yet would tell me about things going on between her and guys in her own life....which for the most part wasn't much...kind of a slightly less tame version of what I've got going on. Part of why I connect with her is that the way she feels about being single and not having anyone to love or love you really echoes what I feel often enough....in addition to the fact that we seem to share a lot of the same beliefs. Anyway, I've been growing more attached since we started talking and many of the things she's said seem to indicate that she feels the same way. So, last night we had an interesting conversation, which I will not go into the details of, that just made me feel like if there was anyone I'd consider bending my rules of not wanting to date someone online to, it'd be her. Now, keep in mind, that it's hard enough for me to express my interest in girls as it is, and sometimes I can be a little sensitive to things (normally I put up a pretty decent front, I think, though.) So, anyway, she's pretty open with me and tonight she comes to me saying that she wants to talk to me (which she usually wants to anyway, since she's indicated on more than one occassion just how much she enjoys talking to me.) Much to my dismay, she relates to me an event that had just happened that, let's just say gave her a little bit more experience with a guy than she'd previously had...which, keep in mind, wasn't a lot to begin with. Rarely do I feel much of anything other than the jealous thought of "lucky bastards" when told of something like this, but when it's a person you like, it can hit like a ton of bricks. Though I suppose it could have been worse. Anyway, yall will probably never know how fast my heart was racing, hearing that (definitely anxiety building.) But, upon finding out, I made the decision to tell her how I feel. Even though there's a certain distance given by the internet, it was still pretty nerve-wracking. I still don't think I could do it in real life, not that I really ever find myself in a position where I feel such things. But, luckily, she seemed to respond positively and didn't freak out or anything. Can't say anything will come of it, and all she said when I expressed that I couldn't really expect anything to come of it or that she might even want an online relationship was that "Only time will tell." But, she also suggested e-mailing so that we could talk more during the day. I suppose that it's a step up that she wants to keep in more contact. I'm not really sure what else to say, but it feels like some sort of progress in some small way.

And now I have to get back to reading the Illiad, even though it's nearly 4am. I'm out...