and our hearts are lit with darkness falling down, down, down

[chasinghumanity]

Fuck all of it. That had been Mitchell's motto for the last two weeks and still the song remained the same. That was a long time to be pissed off at the entirety of the human race, but Mitchell had lived a great deal longer than most. He knew how to keep a fire burning low and long

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[raw_youth]

Dodge noticed a hell of a lot now that he was off the junk. He noticed the way Jack clung to that hat like a security blanket. He noticed the way Lily kept herself guarded. He noticed the way Mitchell had been conspicuously absent. He'd kind of gotten used to this whole sponsor shit and if he was honest with himself...he liked it.

Off heroin didn't mean clean and sober. He still smoked and he still drank. Walking into the Hub he spotted Mitchell and it took two miliseconds to notice that the man looked like he'd crawl into that bottle and swim around if he could.

Dodge took the stool next to him and folded his hands on the bar.

"That wagon you fell off of is half the way to Winnipeg, man," he said quietly. There was no judgment in it, just an observation. He didn't think Mitchell would give him shit for fucking up so he had no right to do it to the other man.

[chasinghumanity]

A good man -- the man John Mitchell had been -- would have felt guilty. At the least, chagrined to be caught in such a state. He was supposed to be leading by example and Dodge needed that. He needed someone to show him it was okay, that change was rough but possible.

But that man John Mitchell had died a long time ago. What was left was Mitchell, a creature who laughed at hope. All humans ended up in the grave at the end of it. What did it matter if they lived clean or not?

"I didn't fall off. I jumped. Fuck Winnipeg," he replied, leaning precariously over the bar counter to fetch Dodge a shot glass of his own. "Come on. You're joinin' me."

[raw_youth]

Getting a drink was the fuckin' reason he'd come in so he didn't say no. He simply took the glass and poured himself a shot...then poured Mitchell's glass almost to the rim.

"Fuck Winnipeg," he agreed, then lifted his glass and tipped it back. There wasn't so much a burn as pain and the lingering taste of bile and depression.

"Jesus fuck, Mitchell," he gasped. "What did you do to deserve this shit? Drink something good at least."

[chasinghumanity]

"Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey." The words came soft and quick and accompanied by three fingertips pressed lightly to Dodge's lips. Mitchell took a second, positioned just like this, to drink his shot. He had long since stopped really tasting it.

Setting aside the glass, he looked at Dodge properly but did not move his hand. "You piss off the owner, you're a dead man," he warned. His fingers finally dropped away and he shook his head. "S'fine. S'fine. I don't want to be fancy drunk anyway."

[raw_youth]

"Uh, okay," he said, his lips moving against the pads of Mitchell's fingers as he spoke. Tequila...he'd always heard bad things about tequila. As far as he was concerned it tasted like punishment.

"So, uh," he continued, backing away from the lingering sensation of Mitchell's touch that was warm and almost tingled across Dodge's lips. "Really, though, man...why are you wasted?"

[chasinghumanity]

Why was he drunk? Again, that little war waged within himself as he let his eyes fall closed. He was supposed to be an inspiration and shouldn't.. Oh, but fuck shoulds and shouldn'ts.

"You know how you think," Mitchell said, opening his eyes slowly, "all those things you've done in the past.. You think you can leave them behind and start over. Do better." He pressed his teeth into his bottom lip and shook his head. "They always come back to fuck you up."

[raw_youth]

GOing down that road meant Dodge needed another damn drink. He poured himself another, considered it for a minute, then decided to nut up and just drain glass.

"Can't leave shit behind, man. You're preachin' to the fuckin' choir. I mean, people do bad shit or bad shit happens. Can't change the past."

He shrugged and then reached over to lay a hand on Mitchell's back.

"People can't hold shit against you, man. That's not fair. Whatever you did? Hey...is someone giving you shit?"

Mitchell might have been older and smarter but Dodge found himself suddenly feeling really fuckin' protective of the other man. He could kick some ass if he had to.

[chasinghumanity]

It was the alcohol. It had to be the alcohol. Because it had been decided two weeks ago that Mitchell was a heartless bastard. He was a vampire and he was evil and he was not he man he had purported himself to be for the last year on the island. He was someone else, someone who was cruel to his friends and lied to his girlfriend and desperately longed to taste blood on his tongue. And that sort of man couldn't feel any kind of rush of affection for a former junkie kid taking his side without question.

But he felt it anyway, a kind of warm spreading from where Dodge touched him between his shoulder blades forward into his chest. Yeah, definitely the alcohol.

"I can't. They can," he said quietly, shaking his head. "They didn't want to know and so I kept it from them and then they get mad at me when they find out. It's not.. It's not fucking fair."

[raw_youth]

"Man, that's not fair," he said. He didn't give a flying fuck what Mitchell had done. He did burn with curiosity, though.

"So, uh, what did you do?" he asked as he poured for both of them. "What are they mad about?"

[chasinghumanity]

He got about two syllables out before he stopped himself. It felt so good to have someone on his side, even if it would only be for right now, just a few minutes. He didn't want to ruin that by saying it all in one go.

"You know how," he said, picking his words with care, "you know how.. it still feels good?" Mitchell licked his lips and turned his head toward Dodge. "You know it's bad.. but in your memory it still feels so.. fucking.. good?"

[raw_youth]

Dodge nodded slowly.

"Comfortable," he said quietly. Maybe not good, but there was a comfort in just doing what he'd done for his whole life. He knew it was bad, unhealthy and abusive and rape and all those words that meant it was bad shit that he'd done but there was comfort in it and every now and again it had felt good. He took some pride in how good he'd been at what he'd done.

"Tell me what you did, Mitchell," he pressed.

[chasinghumanity]

"No, no," he said, his voice soft. He needed Dodge to understand. He had needed George and Annie and Sookie to understand too, but he hadn't been so desperate then to twist things in his favor, to drag them down with him, forgiving him sins they had no right to. But Dodge. Dodge couldn't absolve him anymore than they could. But he could understand better.

"The hit. The feel of it. Like nothing else matters. When you remember that... How can anybody do anything but miss it?" The words tasted foul in his mouth, evil. His hand fell on Dodge's knee, holding him there. He needed to know, had to know if there was anyone who could still understand. "I was a vampire.. and I gave up blood. I killed twenty people and I'm.. I'm don't think I'm sorry for it."

[raw_youth]

He'd known about the blood. The drug of choice for people at AA was no secret. Dodge just had enough savvy to not talk about it, just like he didn't talk about heroin. Talking about it made him think about it and thinking made him itch for it. If he thought long enough he began to ache for the prick of the needle and the soft warmth that rushed in his veins and took him somewhere where nothing hurt.

"I get it," he said, rubbing Mitchells back slowly, comforting him like he'd comforted so many boys at Fagin's when they were upset for whatever reason. A bit of comfort gave him time to process what Mitchell had said.

One...a vampire killing one person, that was like getting a fix. But twenty?

"Twenty?" he asked, then hesitantly added, "Did they have it coming?"

[chasinghumanity]

"Yes." He didn't hesitate, not for a second. That had been one of the easiest things to convince himself of in the fallout: those humans deserved it by virtue of being human. The whole bloody race was full of murderers and liars and fuck ups and people who would do anything to get head and who took for granted what they had. They didn't deserve the place they had given themselves in the great chain of being, and anyone who didn't realize that was a hypocrite.

"They murdered my friends," he said, knowing full well how it sounded. "My whole coven, destroyed. I needed.. revenge. I needed to make a statement."

[raw_youth]

"Okay, so maybe I'm an asshole or whatever, but...good. If they killed all your friends? Man, I'd do that, too. Before I got here I...uh...some shit went down. Anyway, all I'm saying is I get it."

He'd have gladly killed Bill for murdering Nancy and he wouldn't have felt one bit guilty about it. Murdering son of a bitch had it coming. But he'd been busy with other shit. Dark shit that ate at him at night when he was alone and he held the four bills. He looked at them and remembered the taste and it made him want to puke but he'd done what he had to do...

He could have fuckin' killed Davey, too.

"Take a drink, man," he said as his hand began to move up and down Mitchell's backbone. "Fuck 'em. Some people don't get that sometimes you've got to do shit. That you've got to get a hit. That you've got to get payback. People with their nice houses and soft lives...they don't fuckin' get it."

[chasinghumanity]

Definitely the alcohol. That was Mitchell's only excuse for how his hand found the back of Dodge's neck and held him steady while he pressed a firm kiss to his cheek. Every word out of his mouth, it was exactly what Mitchell needed to hear, wanted to hear. And he didn't even think he had done much in the way of coaxing it from Dodge's lips.

He rested his forehead against the other man's temple, not leaning away quite yet. "Thank you," he murmured.