(i feel like i've been living in a city with no children in it)

[burnwithus]

Has it really been a year? I wasn’t expecting it to pass by so quickly, not when every day was a battle. But it has to be true, because I counted the days, not knowing why. Something to keep me busy, I guess. Keeping the madness away used to be a priority for me at one point

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[with_diamonds]

Pausing upon seeing Katniss in the rec room was practically instinct for Lucy, though she couldn't have said why. Half the time, she wasn't even sure quite what to make of her based on the times their paths had crossed in the past. She couldn't ignore the sense of kinship that she'd felt from the very beginning, though, not even if she had wanted to (and she definitely didn't want to. Just because there was a ring on her finger and she had a wedding to plan didn't mean her priorities had changed entirely), and so it was that she slid into a seat across from the other girl.

"Hey," she said, quiet, light, not wanting to startle, though she suspected she would have been noticed already. "What are you making?"

[burnwithus]

I'm trying not to be suspicious of everyone. I'm trying to trust people again, but it's easier said than done. No one has done much to betray my trust -- yet. I keep waiting for the inevitable. There are no gamemakers here, no more manipulating people for other ends, but it still feels familiar.

Every time I feel the panic rise, I try to count off all of the memories. All of the kindnesses I've seen so far. It helps keep me sane. So when Lucy sits, I don't flinch. For once.

"A book."

[with_diamonds]

"Oh?" Lucy lifted her chin a little, unable to help being curious. Whatever it was, it looked engrossing, serious, and while a part of her wasn't sure she should be intruding, she figured that Katniss would say something if she really didn't want to be disturbed. This was a public place, anyway, about as crowded as it got. "What kind of book?"

[burnwithus]

It's easier with people who have known loss. Instead of the nosy doctors back in District 13, the ones who would tell me that I was safe. As far as a Victor is concerned, it's never safe. This book isn't something I want to show, but I'm not ashamed to be writing it. There are some things I can't talk about yet, though. Not easily.

I decide to keep things purposefully vague. "A book of things I don't want to forget."

[with_diamonds]

Lucy nodded. Though hardly about to make any assumptions, she thought she had an idea of what might have been meant, anyway. The only things it was important not to forget were the ones not around anymore, and, well, if there was one thing she could say about Katniss without knowing many details, it was that she'd been through a hell of a lot. Whatever the specifics of this book, whatever needed to be remembered, Lucy was sure it was important.

"That's a nice idea," she said, mouth set in a crooked line, not quite a smile. There were times she worried she was starting to forget, and things she remembered that she wished she didn't. It could be a cruel thing, memory. "To remember."

[burnwithus]

"Some things are," Peeta used to paint the Games, just to get the images out of his head. I'm determined not to let any of that bleed through into this book. It should be all about remembering the smallest things that used to make me happy, and maybe then it will get easier. Though there isn't much chance of that. And I'm tired of thinking about death, anyways.

The ring on her finger means the same thing in District 12 that it means here, apparently. "Congratulations," I say, nodding towards it. She doesn't look all that much older than me, but people got married early in the Seam. Just because I'll never be married doesn't mean anything at all.

[with_diamonds]

Lucy blinked a few times, having not quite expected that (not really grown used to the idea that congratulations were in order at all), then smiled, small and warm, right hand moving to her left so she could absently twist the ring back and forth. "Thanks," she said, meaning it entirely. After all that had happened here, she was well aware that anything good was tenuous, but what she had now meant all the more for the fragility of it. It'd taken a hell of a lot to get here at all. "It's, uh, not really something I ever expected for myself, but..."

[burnwithus]

It seems almost stupid to get married on the island, where people could leave at any time. But life back home wasn't much better, when I think about it. People died randomly. People died for stupid reasons. Might as well do this if you could. That is, if you wanted to.

The last wedding I went to was proof of that. Annie and Finnick's, and he'd died just weeks afterwards. But maybe the memories of being happy for those few weeks would be enough to help Annie survive. Maybe.

"...When is it?"

[with_diamonds]

"We haven't decided yet," Lucy said with a slight shake of her head, mouth pulled into a lopsided smile. Beyond the agreeing to it, she wasn't really even sure where to start with the planning of such an occasion, anyway. Back home, she'd first thought she would marry Daniel, then figured she wasn't the marrying type, and anyway, even if she had been, times were too tough back then to have managed anything like a real ceremony. Hell, she wouldn't have had the time. Here, she'd ruled it out entirely, only to have herself faced with it now.

Still, it wasn't a bad thing. It couldn't be, even if she woke up tomorrow morning and Pete was gone. "I'll let you know when we do, though. You'll come?"

[burnwithus]

I have to think about it for a moment, because I'm not even sure why she'd want me to come. I wouldn't be the most exciting of party guests, even if the island tends to love them because there's nothing else to do. And mostly, because a wedding is supposed to be a happy place, and it's nowhere I belong, just bringing the mood down.

A year later, there are still times when I'm not all here.

Finally, I nod. Just once. "If you want me to."

[with_diamonds]

"Yeah," Lucy said, smile small, soft. Maybe she didn't really know Katniss all that well, having more gaps in her knowledge than facts, but there was still, at least to her perception, an understanding there, and it wasn't as if she had a great many people to invite. There was no reason not to want Katniss there. "I mean, don't... feel like you have to or anything, but yeah, I'd really like that."