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[youwereameteor]

He's been thinking about the Enterprise a lot lately. To say lately implies that he ever really stopped, which isn't true. At some point during the enedless Starfleet mentoring sessions, Pike had told Jim that it must be Hell to be married to the Captain of a Starship. He'd made a joke about his ex-wife and Jim hadn't really understood what he

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[leftwithmybones]

"If you're thinking that's what you're captaining from now on, I'm sending you to the doc for a mental exam, Jim," McCoy jokes mildly as he comes down to sit beside Jim and gives the tiny ship a little poke with his finger. "Hard to believe it's been as long as it has been since I've been onboard."

[youwereameteor]

Jim gives his friend a flat look that quickly blossoms into a rueful smile. He shakes his head, closing his fingers around the model. He shakes his head and glances across.

"Feels like years sometimes, doesn't it?" he asks, lips pursing. "Chekov's gone."

[leftwithmybones]

"Is he?" McCoy mutters, shaking his head. "Well, shit," is all he gets out after a moment of thinking about the ramifications of that. "His girlfriend know?" For all his teasing and prodding and poking, the last thing he wants is for Cassie to hear about this offhand from someone else. He wants to break the news, if anyone has to.

[youwereameteor]

"I don't even know," he says, ducking his head, digging his heels deeper into the sand. "I don't think I've ever even met her." His lips purse. "Is this what it's going to be like, Bones? One by one?"

[leftwithmybones]

"She's sweet," he says, mouth pursed together as he thinks about phrasing this like he would tell a family that their loved one just didn't pull through. "And hell, Jim, if I go before you, I'm gonna be pissed. I kind of like the whole feet on the ground thing this place has got going."

[youwereameteor]

"Yeah, but you never really took to space, did you, Bones?" says Jim, wryly amused as he studied his friend's profile. "I just...sometimes, I think about it, you know? I've got all this, everything that makes staying here worth staying. More than worth it. But sometimes it hits me that I'm never going to be in space again."

[leftwithmybones]

"If the ex-wife had chosen Starfleet, I'd have happily stayed on the ground long as I could," he freely admits, considering that he's still too goddamn terrified of shuttles and all the accidents that can happen in space. "Hell, I still don't know how I managed the three months I did on Capella. I think they had to drug me to keep me calm on the flight there."

[youwereameteor]

"You did fine," says Jim, faith in his friend unshaken and always with him. "You always are, Bones. Jesus, it's you who ends up keeping me in check." He catches a breath and looks down at the model ship in his hands.

"It ever strike you how much this isn't how our lives were supposed to turn out?"

[leftwithmybones]

"Hell, what can I say, you were a stubborn ass I could focus on," he lightly teases, his gaze fixed on the ship as he pushes out a breath as he thinks about what his life could've been. "I was supposed to be at home, watching Jo grow up, threatening boys with my grandfather's old shotgun. I was really looking forward to that point, you know.'

[youwereameteor]

"I'm glad I give your life purpose," says Jim, as solemnly as he can manage, turning his head to watch Bones as he talks. He's almost surprised when he laguhs; he should havek nown that if anyone could make him laugh, it would be Bones, though. Ought to have learned from experience, by now.

"I was supposed to be there," he says. "Right there. I felt it the moment I sat down."

[leftwithmybones]

And this here is a moment in which McCoy just cannot help himself, giving Jim a bemused smirk as he reaches over and taps the little model-ship. "Well, Jim, when you get splinters in your ass from sitting down on a tiny wooden ship, don't you come crying to me," he teases.

[youwereameteor]

"You know what I mean," says Jim, rueful, setting the Enterprise down on the sand. "Pike used to talk about Captains and ships. I think I actually get it now."

[leftwithmybones]

"That you were meant to be a captain?" McCoy goes quiet for a minute and stares at the little model. "I know that you were meant to do something. Something big. Hell, Jim, that big brain of yours in your head meant you were bound to do something incredible. It just fell to you to pick that that incredible was supposed to be."

[youwereameteor]

"Some days I feel like I'm missing out on something," says Jim, head hanging down, knowing that he couldn't admit this to anybody else, not even Spencer. "What I should have been doing. What I would have been doing, if I wasn't here."

He swallows.

"And then I think about Spencer and I feel like shit."

[leftwithmybones]

"Look, Jim," McCoy offers, feeling a little uncomfortable because he doesn't know that he's the best man to be offering advice in this kind of situation. "You made your choice and it's not a bad one. It's just a different one. Maybe one day you'll get a chance to have both, but don't feel bad just because you remember you could've taken another path. Hell, that's just life."

[youwereameteor]

"I know that, Bones," says Jim, and he might not wear ar ing but that doesn't mean he's got any doubt that the choice that he made is the right one. "It just doesn't make it any easier when I wake up and know I've been dreaming about her again, you know? Dreaming about it."