(Untitled)

[sgmitchell]

He was man enough to admit, to himself at least, that he'd been hiding from just about every living person on the island since the beginning of May. There'd been so many things he'd done, so many people he'd gone out of his way to be a complete ass to, he didn't even know who to apologize to first, and he didn't even know how to apologize to most

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[savedthatjaffa]

Lam had decided on tea after the coffee just tasted off. The black tea with lots of milk and sugar sat with her better and held ease some of the tension from her shoulders. They were still tight though and she closed her eyes as her fingers brushed the door frame to the rec room.

She hung there, brow slightly furrowed, her fingers curled around the black mug's handle like it was her lifeline. Sleep had come and gone and come and gone in waves and she'd been in the infirmary more often than not. Once or twice she took the cot just because going seemed not like home.

Mitchell was nowhere or if he was somewhere...

Lam blinked and there he was.

She almost dropped her mug.

[sgmitchell]

He felt the change when someone approached, and noted when they suddenly stopped at the top of the steps. It could have been because they thought he was in the way, or perhaps they had forgotten something in the Compound. Or, perhaps, they'd stopped because of something he'd done.

He glanced up, and his thought process halted. Doctor Lam. The one person he was least hoping to come across...even if the island did seem wrong, not seeing her on a daily basis.

He swallowed softly, pushing away a wave of dizziness. "...Doctor."

[savedthatjaffa]

"Colonel," she said as gently as possible, both hands on her mug. Lam moved carefully, as if testing whether or not she was welcome. Her eyes drifted over him, checking, always checking, making sure. It was habit, it would always be habit. Lam's fingers twitched slightly as she stifled the way she wanted to brush her fingertips against his cheek.

She found the steps and didn't care if she was too close to him.

"Do you want me to leave?" she finally whispered, her expression weary as Austen shoved her head against her chest. Lam's fingers came up and stroked the cat's head. "Because I can go...if you want me to go."

[sgmitchell]

He watched her every step carefully, perhaps to find hostility, perhaps to find injury...or perhaps just to ensure she was real. For a little bit, he was beginning to wonder whether there'd ever be a good time to see her again.

He bit his lip softly, and shook his head slightly. "I don't."

[savedthatjaffa]

"This has got to stop, Cameron," she whispered, setting her mug down with a soft clink. Her fingers brushed his knuckles as she reached over Austen. "Whatever happened, happened, and running away from..." Lam peered at him. "...from me isn't going to negate that. I don't-- I thought you were gone."

Her eyes closed.

"I thought you were gone." Her voice broke as much from emotion as pure exhaustion. "I want-- I can't-- Just. Just come home. Come back to New Atlantis. Come back."

[sgmitchell]

His expression wavered slightly. Somehow it hadn't occurred that she would have thought he'd vanished. He'd been...around. He'd attended the IPD and the ITF and the club. He'd just...skipped Teal'c's sparring, and kept away from New Atlantis.

He swallowed softly, and reached out to pull her to his step, gripping her shoulders. "Doctor...I'm sorry. I never meant..." It was wrong to miss holding her when he'd barely held her before, anyway. He sighed, and rested his face in her hair. "I'm sorry."

[savedthatjaffa]

Her fingers brushed over his cheek lightly and she closed her eyes with a sigh as she leaned into him. It's okay. Irrational overreacting, she could beg that, right? She was quiet for a long while before turning her lips against his temple. His hands felt good, right, and just the way they should.

"You're still here," she murmured. "That's all that matters. Maybe all that ever will." Lam fell silent again for a long moment. "I missed your face," she said softly. "And I missed your hands and I missed you. So stop it, just stop."

[sgmitchell]

He closed his eyes a moment, and sighed. That wasn't all that mattered. He'd been 'there' the entire time he'd been...different, and it would have been for the best if he hadn't been around at all. Maybe it was just the island that time...but he was capable of all of it. That made all of it so much worse.

"That's...not all that matters, Doctor. You can't really believe that."

[savedthatjaffa]

"Right now," Lam said evenly, "it's all that matters." She tilted his chin so he was forced to look at her. "We're all capable of doing shallow, egotistical things, we all think them, and sometimes we act on those thoughts. For example," Lam's fingers tightened just a little, "the fact that I slept with Arnold. And we're going to talk about that because it's important that you know where I stand."

She paused, letting her gaze linger.

"I don't love him, I won't love him, and I never will love him," Lam said in a quiet, even voice. "The Island can turn me inside out, but it can't change this." She leaned and kissed him gently, firmly, and sweetly. "It won't ever change that. And right now, it matters that you're here. Really here."

[sgmitchell]

No...no, he did not want to talk about that. He didn't want to think about it or acknowledge it, and he knew it was completely selfish, but he couldn't replay that scene in his head again. He needed to just...forget it. Forget it ever happened at all, because it hadn't. Not really.

"I did much worse than that, Doctor."

[savedthatjaffa]

"Look at me," she whispered. "I don't give a--," her eyes closed and she took a breath, "I don't care if you slept with every pair of legs and breasts on this island. I don't care if you were vindictive and a complete ass. I don't care about the words that were said, either."

Her fingertips brushed his cheeks soothingly.

"I. Don't. Care," she hissed. "And right now, you need to stop blaming yourself for all the crap you did when you weren't yourself. Both of us were the complete opposite of our usual selves. Accept it, Cameron, and move on. I'm not going to run screaming just because some crackpot of an island flipped your personality around."

Lam stared at him hard and unflinching.

"I'm here and I'm with you and I completely refuse to give up on you. Like it or not, you're stuck with me, Colonel Cameron Mitchell. I've never, ever, given up on you. Not once. So quit guilting the hell out of yourself and come back to New Atlantis with me."

[sgmitchell]

She was making a practice out of stunning him into silence. It was disconcerting...and it didn't fix anything. There was his Doctor, still here...still where she promised she'd stay...but it wasn't just words he'd said. It wasn't the things he'd done.

It wasn't even the things she'd done, as painful as those were.

"It can't be that easy, Doctor." He bit his lip. "Can't rewind and pretend it never happened at all."

[savedthatjaffa]

"It is for me," she said evenly. "You weren't yourself, Colonel. And when you aren't in your right mind, you aren't really you. It can be as easy or as hard as you want to make it" Lam stopped to peer at him. "What do you need, Cameron?"

Her fingertips brushed his jaw.

"Tell me what you need."