Colbert on the ERT
Stephen’s first radio show had finally arrived. When he looked around at the equipment, he gave a sad little sigh - he missed his nightly television show. There, he had writers and a mob of an audience who would do anything he asked.
Plus, Stephen really had a face for TV.
But this was better than nothing, and he did have some experience with radio, after all. It’s just that it wasn’t the same.
“Welcome, Island Nation, to the premiere episode of Colbert on the Ert. I, Stephen Colbert, am here to give you my opinions on, well, whatever comes to mind.
And right now what’s on my mind, Nation, is this. What is the deal with all of the diseases? Every day, someone else has dropped! See, first I thought that everyone was just passing it along between them from all the sex. You know, the usual punishment.
But it’s not even the same diseases!
But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I keep hearing about this island doing weird things, anyway. And I...guess the whole ‘Indian jungle’ thing is pretty strange.
...Whatever, I don’t want- I don't wanna talk about it!
My guest tonight has been a member of the Island Council for years. I’ll ask him what can be done to properly chlorinate the waterfalls.
Stephen: Thank you for joining me, Mr...Zy-ger, is it?
Toby: .....Ziegler.
Toby: Good try, though.
Stephen:Thank you. Mr. Ziegler, you are a Democrat, correct?
Toby: That is, in fact, correct.
Stephen: Let me ask you, then... Why do you hate America?
Toby: Is that usually the first thing you ask a Democrat?
Stephen: Yes. Yes, it is.
Toby: Well, I feel less special. But I don't, in fact, hate America.
Stephen: Well, you're doing a good job of acting like you do!
Toby: No, this is just- my face. This is my usual expression. Unless you meant something else.
Stephen: I did, actually, but since you brought that up, I have to ask. Do you know Jon Stewart?
Toby: Not intimately.
Stephen: ...
Toby: No. I don't- no.
Stephen: Okay. Just wondering. [pause] I can tell you're not as uncomfortable with this as you should be; let's move on.
Stephen: I've seen you around the basement dorms. Does the vampire's dog sleep on your bed, too?
Toby: Not to my knowledge. To be honest I try not to think about what could be going on on my bed when I'm elsewhere. The dog should probably be the least of my concerns. Unless it's a vampire dog.
Toby: ...It sleeps in your bed?
Stephen: Yes! He tries to smother me in my sleep!
Stephen: At least he has the good taste to choose me, I guess.
Toby: I guess. At least he's not a bear.
Stephen: Don't even say that!
Toby: I thought I'd seen one around, still.
Stephen: ...Was it huge and black?
Toby: Small and white.
Stephen: There are more bears around here?! God, this place is a Hellscape!
Stephen: ...Moving on.
Stephen: You've been a member of the Island Council for, what, eighteen years now?
Toby: Well, I've only been on the island for two, so.... nnno. I've been in politics for about thirty years, though. Professionally.
Stephen: What have you been doing to personally make this island a better place? And might I suggest: getting rid of the bears.
Toby: Well, the bear population would be a bigger concern if there was more than one. So we haven't done much about them, to be honest. Mostly I've tackled emergencies as they've come up and drafted laws that are probably never going to be ratified. But given the situation, it could be worse.
Stephen: Could it? Could it be worse? You already didn't know that there were more than one bears; what else don't you know?
Toby: I don't know how the last two world series have gone back home. You're right. It is worse.
Stephen: The Cardinals and the Red Sox won. You're welcome.
Stephen: As a Democrat, in what ways were you actively destroying America back home?
Toby: Well, I was writing the president's speeches, and occasionally birthday cards, and I leaked NASA secrets to the press.
Toby: As a Democrat.
Stephen: I knew it!!
Toby: The birthday card thing? I know.
Stephen: Well, yeah, that. I didn't know someone wrote the president's birthday cards; that's really interesting.
Stephen: But NASA!
Stephen: In whatever world you came from, were you in jail, by any chance?
Toby: House arrest. I was probably going to be indicted shortly before I arrived here. The only thing that would have pulled my ass out of the fire was a presidential pardon which, after you leak NASA secrets to the press, is... not extremely likely.
Stephen: So tell me. In your world, were the Democrats the ones who had all the scandals?
Toby: Not all of them. The good ones. We had pictures of a staff member with a call girl, our President had MS which wasn't revealed to.. anyone, save the chief of staff, until after his election. The Democrats had all the scandals, yeah.
Toby: But the Republicans were... were basically just tools.
Toby: Can I say that on the air?
Stephen: Not on my show, sir.
Toby: I won't, then.
Stephen: Thank you.
Toby: Of course.
Stephen: Well, this is good, this is good. This just - it proves that the Democrats should not be in power again.
Toby: We did more good for the country than any administration since Kennedy. And that was after some rough years of falling into a place of such completely ineffective moderation that I wanted to wash my hands of it all.
Stephen: Since Kennedy? [laughing] Sir, please. Maybe in your world! In my world, things are fine, they're great.
Toby: Who's president?
Stephen: George W. Bush. Greatest president of our time. He, now he knows how to make a decision.
Toby: ....Are you kidding?!
Toby: Is that a joke?
Toby: Are you making a joke at my expense?
Stephen: I am not in the business of making jokes.
Stephen: I am in the business of bringing the Truth.
Toby: Oh, God.
Toby: Moving on.
Stephen: Hey, I'm the one doing the interview here. I say when to move on!
Stephen: Moving on.
Stephen: What's your favorite color?
Toby: Yankee Pinstripe Blue.
Stephen: An obvious choice.
Toby: The only choice.
Stephen: I prefer my blues a little less pinstripey, but hey, freedom of choice is something that makes our country great.
Toby: The beauty of a democratic republic.
Stephen: Hopefully it won't all be ruined soon.
Stephen: Thank you for joining me, Mr. Ziegler!
Toby: You are... entirely welcome, Mr. Colbert.
That’s it for tonight, folks. Sleep well in your huts. Or...wherever. Goodnight.”
Stephen’s pleasant goodbye may or may not have been marred slightly by the fact that he had trouble figuring out how to turn off the equipment and ended up swearing repeatedly. Still, he managed it in the end and felt better than he had since arriving at the island of wasted days.
(Timed to, um, night time. Colbert on the Ert is pronounced as Colbear on the Air, of course.
If anyone actually WANTS to talk to him after that, feel free to catch him in the basement anywhere. Or wherever.)
Plus, Stephen really had a face for TV.
But this was better than nothing, and he did have some experience with radio, after all. It’s just that it wasn’t the same.
“Welcome, Island Nation, to the premiere episode of Colbert on the Ert. I, Stephen Colbert, am here to give you my opinions on, well, whatever comes to mind.
And right now what’s on my mind, Nation, is this. What is the deal with all of the diseases? Every day, someone else has dropped! See, first I thought that everyone was just passing it along between them from all the sex. You know, the usual punishment.
But it’s not even the same diseases!
But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I keep hearing about this island doing weird things, anyway. And I...guess the whole ‘Indian jungle’ thing is pretty strange.
...Whatever, I don’t want- I don't wanna talk about it!
My guest tonight has been a member of the Island Council for years. I’ll ask him what can be done to properly chlorinate the waterfalls.
Stephen: Thank you for joining me, Mr...Zy-ger, is it?
Toby: .....Ziegler.
Toby: Good try, though.
Stephen:Thank you. Mr. Ziegler, you are a Democrat, correct?
Toby: That is, in fact, correct.
Stephen: Let me ask you, then... Why do you hate America?
Toby: Is that usually the first thing you ask a Democrat?
Stephen: Yes. Yes, it is.
Toby: Well, I feel less special. But I don't, in fact, hate America.
Stephen: Well, you're doing a good job of acting like you do!
Toby: No, this is just- my face. This is my usual expression. Unless you meant something else.
Stephen: I did, actually, but since you brought that up, I have to ask. Do you know Jon Stewart?
Toby: Not intimately.
Stephen: ...
Toby: No. I don't- no.
Stephen: Okay. Just wondering. [pause] I can tell you're not as uncomfortable with this as you should be; let's move on.
Stephen: I've seen you around the basement dorms. Does the vampire's dog sleep on your bed, too?
Toby: Not to my knowledge. To be honest I try not to think about what could be going on on my bed when I'm elsewhere. The dog should probably be the least of my concerns. Unless it's a vampire dog.
Toby: ...It sleeps in your bed?
Stephen: Yes! He tries to smother me in my sleep!
Stephen: At least he has the good taste to choose me, I guess.
Toby: I guess. At least he's not a bear.
Stephen: Don't even say that!
Toby: I thought I'd seen one around, still.
Stephen: ...Was it huge and black?
Toby: Small and white.
Stephen: There are more bears around here?! God, this place is a Hellscape!
Stephen: ...Moving on.
Stephen: You've been a member of the Island Council for, what, eighteen years now?
Toby: Well, I've only been on the island for two, so.... nnno. I've been in politics for about thirty years, though. Professionally.
Stephen: What have you been doing to personally make this island a better place? And might I suggest: getting rid of the bears.
Toby: Well, the bear population would be a bigger concern if there was more than one. So we haven't done much about them, to be honest. Mostly I've tackled emergencies as they've come up and drafted laws that are probably never going to be ratified. But given the situation, it could be worse.
Stephen: Could it? Could it be worse? You already didn't know that there were more than one bears; what else don't you know?
Toby: I don't know how the last two world series have gone back home. You're right. It is worse.
Stephen: The Cardinals and the Red Sox won. You're welcome.
Stephen: As a Democrat, in what ways were you actively destroying America back home?
Toby: Well, I was writing the president's speeches, and occasionally birthday cards, and I leaked NASA secrets to the press.
Toby: As a Democrat.
Stephen: I knew it!!
Toby: The birthday card thing? I know.
Stephen: Well, yeah, that. I didn't know someone wrote the president's birthday cards; that's really interesting.
Stephen: But NASA!
Stephen: In whatever world you came from, were you in jail, by any chance?
Toby: House arrest. I was probably going to be indicted shortly before I arrived here. The only thing that would have pulled my ass out of the fire was a presidential pardon which, after you leak NASA secrets to the press, is... not extremely likely.
Stephen: So tell me. In your world, were the Democrats the ones who had all the scandals?
Toby: Not all of them. The good ones. We had pictures of a staff member with a call girl, our President had MS which wasn't revealed to.. anyone, save the chief of staff, until after his election. The Democrats had all the scandals, yeah.
Toby: But the Republicans were... were basically just tools.
Toby: Can I say that on the air?
Stephen: Not on my show, sir.
Toby: I won't, then.
Stephen: Thank you.
Toby: Of course.
Stephen: Well, this is good, this is good. This just - it proves that the Democrats should not be in power again.
Toby: We did more good for the country than any administration since Kennedy. And that was after some rough years of falling into a place of such completely ineffective moderation that I wanted to wash my hands of it all.
Stephen: Since Kennedy? [laughing] Sir, please. Maybe in your world! In my world, things are fine, they're great.
Toby: Who's president?
Stephen: George W. Bush. Greatest president of our time. He, now he knows how to make a decision.
Toby: ....Are you kidding?!
Toby: Is that a joke?
Toby: Are you making a joke at my expense?
Stephen: I am not in the business of making jokes.
Stephen: I am in the business of bringing the Truth.
Toby: Oh, God.
Toby: Moving on.
Stephen: Hey, I'm the one doing the interview here. I say when to move on!
Stephen: Moving on.
Stephen: What's your favorite color?
Toby: Yankee Pinstripe Blue.
Stephen: An obvious choice.
Toby: The only choice.
Stephen: I prefer my blues a little less pinstripey, but hey, freedom of choice is something that makes our country great.
Toby: The beauty of a democratic republic.
Stephen: Hopefully it won't all be ruined soon.
Stephen: Thank you for joining me, Mr. Ziegler!
Toby: You are... entirely welcome, Mr. Colbert.
That’s it for tonight, folks. Sleep well in your huts. Or...wherever. Goodnight.”
Stephen’s pleasant goodbye may or may not have been marred slightly by the fact that he had trouble figuring out how to turn off the equipment and ended up swearing repeatedly. Still, he managed it in the end and felt better than he had since arriving at the island of wasted days.
(Timed to, um, night time. Colbert on the Ert is pronounced as Colbear on the Air, of course.
If anyone actually WANTS to talk to him after that, feel free to catch him in the basement anywhere. Or wherever.)