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[travelingprince]

I had not expected, when I woke that morning, to find this.

It was clear nearly from the moment I woke that something was amiss; there were shouts, strange noises, sounds of fighting and misery and fear. My first thoughts were for Phedre and Joscelin, and I went to their treehouse to be certain they were unharmed, but it was empty. Had they been

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[loveasthouwilt]

I could not see who it was he held, only his posture of grief, a sorrow clear as day that made me suddenly, deeply fearful. After Sergeant Angua had calmed me down and convinced me to find safety, I had decided once more to make my way to Serenity, and obviously had heard nothing of the outcome of Joscelin's battle with Selig.

Slowly, so slowly, I approached Hyacinthe, my eyes glued to his face, not letting myself look at who it was he held. When I finally stood before him I put out my hand and laid it on his shoulder. "Hyacinthe," I said, my voice quiet and hoarse. "What-- what has happened?"

[travelingprince]

It took half a heartbeat to register that the voice I heard belonged to the woman whose body I held in my arms, and I am ashamed to admit that I shouted aloud. I swore with Elua's name and half his Companions, for there stood Phedre -- a ghost? spirit of some kind? I knew not, but felt as though I had gone mad, for I could not reconcile the image of a living, breathing Phedre with the one cold and lifeless in my arms.

[loveasthouwilt]

His shout made me start like a fractious horse, and he jerked away from my touch as if from a snake; and then, oh, then I had to look.

It was not at all what I thought. It was me-- but it was not, could not, for I was here-- and my next thought was for the woman who had my face, the blacksmith named Kate-- but no, for this woman's eyes were open, and they were twin to my own, down to the red spot of Kushiel's favor in the left.

I knew not what to say, what to do, and so my mouth hung open like a fish and I stood agape for several seconds, looking back and forth between Hyacinthe and the body he held, wondering how by all the gods this had come to pass.

[travelingprince]

Phedre seemed even more shocked than I, and I could not wrap my mind around it. "You're alive," I said softly, looking from her to the body I still held. "What sort of sorcery is this?"

[loveasthouwilt]

"No sorcery," I managed between clenched teeth, though I felt as though I was going to be sick. "None but the island's, I think... it has brought us the things we fear, today... this must either be for you or Joscelin. For sure, Selig was for Joscelin... but this..." I shook my head, pressing the back of my hand to my mouth, growing more and more certain I was going to lose what little was in my stomach. Who is meant to look upon her own dead face and keep her mind? I'd faced worse horrors in the cavern of the thetalos, but then at least I'd guessed what I went to confront. This defied all my powers of understanding, and as I felt my knees give out beneath me, I fainted.

[travelingprince]

"Phedre!" Numb with shock, I had not the reflexes to catch her, and I had it not in me to cast roughly aside the body of one who looked as like her as a twin in any case, island trick or no. "Phedre," I said, more gently this time, gathering her up in my arms and trying not to think of how strange it felt to have a living Phedre in my arms where a cold one had been seconds before. I touched her cheek, warm beneath my fingertips, and shook her gently.

[incassielsname]

It has been a long day, and a battle hard-fought, but it is done. Somewhere in the forest, I do not know where, and I do not really even care to find the spot again, but somewhere in the forest, Waldemar Selig lies dead for a second time, only this time he was not slain by a traitor looking for redemption, he was slain by a simple anathema Cassiline who was so very tired of seeing Phedre die over and over.

I am weary, wounded and bloodied, but all I can think to do is find Phedre and ensure that she is well. I know what she wears, since our encounter earlier in the day, which makes it all the easier to block out the scores of other corpses I walk past. I am a man with a singular mission, and I must find her.

I do not expect to find her sprawled in Hyacinthe's arms. I feel my heart drop to my stomach. "No," I whisper, crouching next to them on the ground. "It cannot be so, she could not be--" My eyes are wide; if I have still failed after all of this, then what worth am I?

[loveasthouwilt]

I stirred to the sounds of their voices commingled, hearing my name in Hyacinthe's Tsingano accent layered over Joscelin's smooth Siovalese tones, and before I could speak I realized they thought there was more wrong with me than a silly swoon. "No," I murmured, my mouth feeling stuffed with cotton. "No, no, I'm fine." My eyes finally opened when I willed them to, and I grabbed one of their elbows with each hand and pulled myself up to a sitting position. My eyes fell on the body behind Hyacinthe, and I averted them quickly, but not quick enough to avoid my stomach turning horribly once more. "What... why is that... here?" I asked, my wide eyes turning up to Joscelin's.

[travelingprince]

A flood of relief washed over me when she opened her eyes and began to speak. "I don't know, Phedre," I answered, helping her to sit up, and then looking to Joscelin, who looked as though he'd had the fight of his life. "The whole island has taken mad today, it seems." I could not bear to look at the other Phedre again, the false one.

[incassielsname]

I sigh, relieved that, no matter what else I failed at this day, that Phedre -- the real one, not something brought here by magic -- is well.

"Sorcery," I say weakly, finding that now that I have sat, that I do not think that I can get up again. "Selig. Killed her, over and over." I push a loose thread of hair off of my face and realise my hand is bloody; I wonder who it belongs to.

[loveasthouwilt]

"How many of me are there today?" I asked with a weak attempt at a smile, pushing my hair back with both hands and tying it in the loose knot we call lovers' haste. My eyes for the moment were only on Joscelin, feeling all too keenly how he must be pained, having seen me die again and again... But I could not forget Hyacinthe, either, for I knew only too well what it would mean to him to lose me now. My hands crept into theirs and I squeezed them tight, murmuring, "I am so sorry this is happening to you." And I bent my head to press a kiss to each, my lips brief on Joscelin's knuckles, Hyacinthe's thumb. Elua have mercy, I loved them both, and it was breaking my heart to know how they suffered because of me.

[travelingprince]

"As long as the real you is safe," I said, and then trailed off. I felt numb from all of it, strange and not-quite-there, and I kissed her hand in return before letting go, letting it fall atop Joscelin's.

"Cassiline," I said, once I'd got a good look at him. "What's happened to you? Are you hurt?"

[incassielsname]

"Dozens," I say, wiping my hand disdainfully on the corner of my shirt. It has been a long time since I have seen such battle, and I hope to not see it again. "Likely more. He-- he delighted in it, and I could do nothing to stop him. It was almost as if--" I swallow heavily, closing my eyes for just a moment. "As if he wanted me to see what my failure would bring."

I grip Phedre's hand in mine tightly; I've a mind to never let it go again. "I've been better," I say, a wry twist of the lips, "but I've also been much worse." I know I am not too grievously injured, nothing worse than I've seen in battle time and again, but I wish that it all could just not be so.

[loveasthouwilt]

I squeezed his hand back, hard as I could, wishing I still had Hyacinthe's in my other. "Are you hurt?" I asked, hating the fearful dip in my stomach that he could be injured from this, from trying to protect me, even if 'twas not truly me... In truth I thought it would be worse that way, if he were hurt from trying to stop an enemy that was not even hurting real people. "Let me see-- I'm trained now," I insisted, shifting to kneel abeyante out of habit and comfort, my fingers and eyes inspecting him for signs of damage.

[travelingprince]

"You'd better let her, Cassiline," I said, attempting a jest that seemed to fall slightly flat, so I did not finish it. Instead, I was thinking that even though this other Phedre was not real, I could not abide the thought of the body lying about with nothing done about it.

[incassielsname]

"Not badly," I say, though I let Phedre examine me nonetheless. Cuts and bruises, nothing that shall not heal. She is a woman of medicine now, and if I ever wondered where her talents and thirst for learning ended, well and so, I do not wonder anymore. All knowledge is worth having, after all, and it isn't the first time she has tended to my injuries won in her defence.

"At least it is done," I say, eyes falling on the Phedre-that-is-not. I tried to stop to pray for them, sending them off in my own way, but there were so many, just so many. She may not have been killed by my hand, and she may not even be real, but her death weighs on me along with every other life I have taken.