Denying to herself what she thought happened...

[bookof_lies]

She finds the notebook sitting on her nightstand, the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes in the dimness of her basement room, just like it belongs there. She thinks it must be a joke, Billy snuck in the night before and put it there, or maybe even Hayley, but then she remembers that she'd never told anyone about it. Even if she had, they

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[bennet_beauty]

Jane had only been walking to subdue the rumblings, but when she came across Tracy looking as grave as she did, she was glad for having made the trek and she murmured a stern warning to her growing stomach to be calm. "Tracy," she remarked gently. "Tracy, it's Jane," she spoke, coming to her side and gently resting a hand on her shoulder to get her attention.

[bookof_lies]

She startles, drawing in a sharp, gasping breath and her eyes fluttering to blink away the fog of thoughts cluttering her brain. She isn't even sure how long she's been sitting there, and she feels a dizzying rush of adrenaline accompanying the shock of being found, her throat constricting and the book slipping from her hands to the sand. She gapes up at the woman, at Jane, her face flushing with embarrassment and a high, nervous giggle bubbling from her throat.

"I was just... I, um... I'm fine," she says finally, even though she hasn't been asked, her smile a little manic and very forced, hands fidgeting with her braided hair and shirt sleeves.

[bennet_beauty]

Jane sits slowly, not minding the sand any longer as she regarded Tracy curiously, not wanting to disagree, but it was obvious, even to an observer's eye, that something was wrong.

Jane did not move her hand yet and rather, kept it reassuringly upon Tracy's back, as though with Kitty or Mary. "Has something happened?"

[bookof_lies]

"No, nothing happened," she insists, her voice thin and small, a little rasp that makes her sound much younger than she usually allows. She turns back toward the water, her arms folding tightly across her middle and her knees drawing up to her chest, like she thinks maybe if she curls up small enough, she'll disappear.

There is a long stretch of silence where it is difficult to tell if she recognizes Jane's presence at all, the only sounds the crashing of the waves and the distant cawing of gulls. Finally she admits, "I found something," her eyes drawn to the book laying in the sand. It looks so harmless laying there, and she wonders if it has been here all along, waiting for the right time to show itself and make every bit of progress she's made since she'd woken up on the island completely worthless.

[bennet_beauty]

Jane followed her gaze downwards, peering curiously at the book. "Is it yours?" she inquired, reminded of her own finding of an object far stranger than she ever thought she would see upon these shores.

[bookof_lies]

"Yeah," she sighs heavily, coming her fingers through her hair, strands falling from the braid to messily frame her face, "Look, it's no big deal, okay? I just needed some air. I hate the stupid compound anyway," she mutters, snatching up the notebook and hiding the cover against her chest. As if she'd just noticed it was there, Tracy recoils from Jane's touch, shoulders stiffening and her face settling in an almost defiant scowl.

[bennet_beauty]

Jane watched her for a moment and knew better than to intrude upon someone's pain, so she simply nodded. "Fresh air is good for you," Jane agreed, softly as she rose to her feet. "Perhaps you might take a swim," she offered. "To relax yourself."

[bookof_lies]

Tracy shakes her head, tension building and building until she swears she can't breathe, and Jane's just so fucking polite all the time. She's sick of polite. Fuck polite, and fuck this whole place and fuck her stupid, useless journal.

Scrambling to her feet, journal in hand, she grinds out through clinched teeth, "I don't want to go for a fucking swim," hurling the notebook as hard as she can toward the water. It lands in the shallows, pages fluttering open and soaking in the surging tide, and Tracy lets out a little choked sound, already trudging through the sand after it.

Any second now she'll be embarrassed by how she's acting, in front of Jane of all people, but right now she doesn't give a shit. Right now she wants to cry and scream. She wants to tear things apart until there's nothing left and she really can start over.

But one thing she may never admit... Right now Tracy wants her mother.

[bennet_beauty]

Jane was on her feet and already on her way to fetch the journal as well, not bothering to hike up her skirt as it was soaked and she helped Tracy to take it, giving her a curious look. She might not intrude, but she would hardly leave Tracy alone like this.

She said nothing, just merely stood there in the shallows and watching the notebook and Tracy, just waiting.

[bookof_lies]

By the time she lifts it out of the water, the words are starting to bleed across the pages, but instead of a sharp stab of remorse, Tracy feels only emptiness as she holds the book away from her, letting the water drain from the pages and puddle in the sand. The mood swings of a teenager are swift, and this one has left her breathless and red-eyed, her face drained of color and ever last bit of her energy sapped.

"I think I missed my class," she says in a tired voice, a random observation that does nothing to explain her recent outburst. There is no explanation. None that she understands anyway.

Her bottom lip trembles and she turns her face away, nostrils flaring and her eyelids blinking as she frantically tries to keep herself from crying. She's not a baby, and she better stop fucking acting like one.

[bennet_beauty]

Jane hardly knew what to do, but what she did was tug Tracy gently towards her and embrace her very gently, remaining inobtrusive. "One class won't matter. And you need this time," she assured gently.

[bookof_lies]

She stiffens in the circle of Jane's arms, struggling weakly and choking down another little hiccup of a sound, finally relaxing just enough to rest her chin on the other woman's shoulder, her arms moving to hesitantly circle Jane's rapidly swelling middle.

"I just want to go home," she admits quietly, turning her face away, eyes focused blankly on the stretch of see behind them.

[bennet_beauty]

Jane rubbed poor Tracy's back, careful not to cause her to tip in the waves, doing the only thing she knew in such a situation and that was to comfort. "I have the same wish so often," she spoke softly. "To simply go home and leave this place behind. In times like that, I try and remind myself of everything I want to stay for."

She continued to rub at Tracy's back, gently, just a barely-there presence as she soothed with soft whispers. "Nobody chose this," she said quietly. "To be doing as well and as bravely as you have is a large feat."

[bookof_lies]

"I don't have anything I want to stay for, Jane... It's just... I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this place. It's boring. It's..." she sucks in a lungful of air, hoping to clear her head but instead all she feels is a sharp tug in her chest. Everything aches.

Carefully pulling away, Tracy rubs her hands over her face, spreading ocean spray and the wetness around her eyes across her cheeks. "I'm just being stupid. Sorry, I didn't-" she says, forcing out an awkward smile and avoiding Jane's eyes.

[bennet_beauty]

Jane regarded her with sympathy, extending a hand that she did not have to take. "Come," she encouraged, gently. "Perhaps I can help you find something that you do wish to stay for."

[bookof_lies]

Ducking her head, she smiles and breaths out an embarrassed laugh, and finding that she can't quite tell Jane no, Tracy hesitantly takes her hand. "Good luck," she laughs and sniffles discreetly, grimacing as she tries to shake water from the pages of her journal.