Jan 06, 2005 17:33
well...
after 3 days (pretty much) off school, ive had a lot of time to think. as well as a lot of time to sleep, and watch stupid things, and play video games. i beat final fantasy 1 today, by the way. lol.
man. i feel so bad for missing school and i feel worse for missing practice. i know i have to be there, but the past few days i just couldnt be. i felt miserable. (i feel better now, tho) it was really really bad. wednesday morning i woke up feeling like i wanted to vomit. and im only supposed to have a real bad cold. ugh. today i went to school again, but i left after 2nd period. no fun. anyways, school this week isnt really anything incredibly important, so im glad about that. we're just finishing stuff up and then reviewing for finals. and 2 of the 3 days i was gone i was there for my hardest classes. so thats good. but the real thing thats bugging me is basketball. i feel like everyone thinks im a quitter. theres not a lot of times where i make it through an entire practice, even when im not sick. my back or my calf always hurt too much. and i know it isnt my fault, and i know it wouldnt be doing anybody any good if i didnt take care of myself, but i still feel like a pussy. and thats the worst feeling there is. ive never felt like that before, especially when it comes to basketball. ive had pain in some place or another every year since 7th grade, and its never stopped me before. i always could play through it. but after i broke my back, its just...different. i mean, i really did have to quit from 2 seasons of travel basketball, and that really hurt me in terms of growth in the game. but i went to therapy, and i was feeling good, so i tryed out and made the school team. after a few days of practice, my back starts to hurt again. after a few weeks, my calf starts bugging me and i find out i have tendonitis. its like God doesnt want me to play, almost. if i had been healthy this whole time, i would have been so much better at basketball. i would probably be 1 of the first off the bench in varsity games, instead of one of the last off the bench in JV games. i feel so hindered by my injuries. they make me slow, they affect my jump, and they affect my play, because im focused on the pain instead of the game. it really sucks, but i guess i dont have a choice but to fight through it. thats what ive always done, and im gonna keep doing it. coach is really understanding about it, and thats a relief. maybe the rest of the team isnt as pissed as i thought they were. i saw nick today, and he wasnt mad or anything. so im glad. i just hope that things dont get any worse...
other then that, while ive been off ive pretty much been thinking of lauren. it really is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. i miss her SO MUCH and its only been 3 days. i call her twice every day, but that only adds up to like a half hour of conversation and thats not enough. i just cant wait until tomorrow so i can see her and hug her again. -swoon- im totally head over heels. but thats okay. ...man i miss her...
emily is in an outpatient program dealy. she's doing really well and its really helping her. that makes me glad. finally, some good news about someone i care about. for a while i was feeling like doctors and hospitals and therapists were all stupid and couldnt help a soul, but emily makes me feel different. maybe theres hope out there for the rest of my friends. i wish i could do more to help the people who are depressed...i know too many people who cut themselves, and i know too many people who feel so sad that they wanna die. and it really really hurts, because i dont know what to do. i try and be positive, and i try to help, but i just dont think i know how. im a very happy person, and dealing with sadness is something i havent had to deal with in a very long time. but hey, i guess i gotta be strong for my friends. even though i might not know how to do it, i have to try and help them as best as i can. and guess what? emily is gonna knit me a scarf. ^__^
so u wanna know something weird? remember that ashley girl i was obsessed with for a little while? we started talking again. and dont you go getting any ideas. i dont have ANY plans of leaving lauren, because i adore her. but ashley says she feels really lonley and shes jealous of people with boyfriends or girlfriends. i tried to cheer her up, and i think it worked a little bit, but she's still lonley. so...does anybody know any guys? i tried selling sammy to her, but that didnt really work, because he's always working at T Jizzle, and i couldnt really think of anybody else im really friends with that doesnt have a girlfriend. so if somebody knows someone...hook it up.
anyways...i suppose thats all for now. i hope nobody gets mad at me for spilling their personal emotional secrets, but i wasnt told they were secrets, and im only expressing my uh...my feelings about the issues. if you desperatley want something taken out, just yell at me..but be nice about it. bye.