(no subject)
Relationships, or at least, high school and up to, but hopefully not through the first year of college, are complete bullshit. Its a stupid game of deception, every man for himself, biggest asshole wins. Honestly, thats what it is. Whoever is the biggest dick on any given day, whoever so seperates himself from the other, whoever can act the most unnafected, the most detached, the most self sufficient, nomatter how badly they are dying inside, is the one who gets the most volume of atraction,if not the most quality. All it does is make the guy who is the biggest asshole, and therefore atracting the most girls, feel like he is the coolest guy in the world, making him even more of a dick, making him, for some unfathomable reason, even more atractive.
Most guys at some point get to experience that feeling of pure elation when the girl you like likes you back. but too many make their whole lives an excercise in atracting girls, the most socially aceptead atractive and popular girls. Ive heard that when we leave these hallowed halls rumored to contain the best years of our lives, most of this stupid ass pseudo alphamale posturing behavior comes to an end, but until it happens, I will not be sure. Until then i am sick to death of walking down the halls and seeing such great guys, such upstanding, funny, good, atractive guys, losing heart and self esteem because they just dont "have it" girls are atracted to whoever everyon else is atracted to, and guys are too.
I dont even know what im trying to say. I am completely satisfied with my lovelife, and feel completely satisfied were I to not have a girlfriend again for many years. Ive experienced a truly caring relationship, Ive expereinced true depths of love, and im confident im not going to find it again in highschool. Its just the utter pretentiousness of the guys that I encounter on a daily basis that grinds away at me. granted, I play football, hence I am put in a position to see the biggest collection of douchebags on a daily basis that this school has to offer.
Take this kid E. I like E, I honestly do. I think hes a really funny guy, and hes pretty nice. Hes made a point to say hi to me in severay situations and places that others might have just blown me off, or blown by, and thats something I apreciate. But for a long time, I really didn't like him. I could never figure out what it was exacty about him that rubbed me wrong, until I talked to my friend M one day. What she said hit the nail on the head exactly. She has spanish with him, and hes the kind of kid that talks to all of the girls that no one else really talks to. Lets not fool ourselves, we all know who these girls are. And hes always so nice to them. but when he does, he does this thing where he acts like hes doing them a fravor by speaking to them.
He did the exact same thing with me. Its like every time he talked to me, whether it was concious or subconciously, he placed himself above me. So he alwyas acted like he was doing me a favor when he spoke to me. Personally, if you think you're doing me a favor speaking to me, fuck off, I dont need you. Im not the smartest kid, the coolest, the funniest, the sexiest, but I have one thing that few others have, and that is a near perfect satisfaction with who I am. I am who I am because that is exactly, one hundred percent who I choose to be. If I wanted to tag along behind the Gabe Millers and the Steve Smiths and Will Darkins` and whatever other level of local teenage celebrity we have in this town, I could. If I wanted to drink shitty beer on friday nights and stumble around darkened houses, I would do that. But I dont. I dont need to drink something to make me cooler, to imbibe to have fun. I dont need to chase sex around with a bottle of vodka.
There are so many pretentious kids that walk the halls of lake oswego highschool. I just cant wait until our ten year reunion. I have goals, I have dreams, I have ambitions so far beyond a highschool football or basketball career, settling in for an easy four year stint at a state school, and then retiring to a life of bullshit office work in daddys company until I can retire to a westlake home right next to the one I grew up in. The people who sit at the top of the social hierarchiy arent all bad people, not at all, and I have found myself continually impressed by the maturation and general kindness displayed this year by people that only last year seemed like all around assholes. It is the culture of testosterone laden posturing by the males, and slutty sex for validation culture displayed by the females, that is so utterly pervasive that even the general good naturedness of the whole group is infected by a cloud of disgusting decay.
I know I sound like a jerk by writing this all out, but I'm not trying to condemn anyone, nor am I displaying some amaizng frusteration because I'm not able to climb the social ladder. I have no interest in popularity, nor in any of the seeming benefits it entails. I am, however, incredibly frusterated that the people who make others lives so hard seemingly face no retribution for the ills they infect upon others. I dont care about myself at all, but I do care about the thousands that have passed through Lake Oswego feeling like the smallest speck of worm mashed on the sidewalk, all because Jonny Football and his posse of Cheer Sluts refused to acknowledge their mortality. Highschool is a cruel place. I just wish there was some way I could change the cycle, but my inability to alter the system frusterates to no end. Every day I become more and more disenfrahcnised, and I withdraw more and more. Too often I just give up and give in, let myself become just another number, let my words and actions reflect simply what is expected of me, and not what is true to myself.
Though I have based my whole concept of myself on being true to who I know I am, it is unimaginably dificult to stay true to oneself one hundred percent of the time in a culture that places so much stock in being what no one could ever be. I hope to god it changes. For every kid who just cant take it any more, for every girl whos ever forced herself to vomit, for everyone that has ever felt lsot and alone ina sea of faces, I just hope to god it changes. If strength was mine to give, Id give it to the world, because none of us are going to make it by ourselves, and the first to admit that and share the load together will be the first fell truly happy.
Every day, I will try and reach out. Every day I will try and let go of my pride, and just reach out to someone, to lean on someone. I cannot deal with my problems myself, nor can anyone else. I resolve to simply reach out, to share a shoulder and an ear, for I know theres always someone who just wants to be listened to. I just wish I could take all of the hurt from the world, take it all, and make it all go away. I would say "look. I am here. I am not perfect, and I hurt too. but together, maybe, just maybe, we can take each others hurt away." I just wish my best was even close to good enough.
So do I win the prize for longest LJ ever?
Most guys at some point get to experience that feeling of pure elation when the girl you like likes you back. but too many make their whole lives an excercise in atracting girls, the most socially aceptead atractive and popular girls. Ive heard that when we leave these hallowed halls rumored to contain the best years of our lives, most of this stupid ass pseudo alphamale posturing behavior comes to an end, but until it happens, I will not be sure. Until then i am sick to death of walking down the halls and seeing such great guys, such upstanding, funny, good, atractive guys, losing heart and self esteem because they just dont "have it" girls are atracted to whoever everyon else is atracted to, and guys are too.
I dont even know what im trying to say. I am completely satisfied with my lovelife, and feel completely satisfied were I to not have a girlfriend again for many years. Ive experienced a truly caring relationship, Ive expereinced true depths of love, and im confident im not going to find it again in highschool. Its just the utter pretentiousness of the guys that I encounter on a daily basis that grinds away at me. granted, I play football, hence I am put in a position to see the biggest collection of douchebags on a daily basis that this school has to offer.
Take this kid E. I like E, I honestly do. I think hes a really funny guy, and hes pretty nice. Hes made a point to say hi to me in severay situations and places that others might have just blown me off, or blown by, and thats something I apreciate. But for a long time, I really didn't like him. I could never figure out what it was exacty about him that rubbed me wrong, until I talked to my friend M one day. What she said hit the nail on the head exactly. She has spanish with him, and hes the kind of kid that talks to all of the girls that no one else really talks to. Lets not fool ourselves, we all know who these girls are. And hes always so nice to them. but when he does, he does this thing where he acts like hes doing them a fravor by speaking to them.
He did the exact same thing with me. Its like every time he talked to me, whether it was concious or subconciously, he placed himself above me. So he alwyas acted like he was doing me a favor when he spoke to me. Personally, if you think you're doing me a favor speaking to me, fuck off, I dont need you. Im not the smartest kid, the coolest, the funniest, the sexiest, but I have one thing that few others have, and that is a near perfect satisfaction with who I am. I am who I am because that is exactly, one hundred percent who I choose to be. If I wanted to tag along behind the Gabe Millers and the Steve Smiths and Will Darkins` and whatever other level of local teenage celebrity we have in this town, I could. If I wanted to drink shitty beer on friday nights and stumble around darkened houses, I would do that. But I dont. I dont need to drink something to make me cooler, to imbibe to have fun. I dont need to chase sex around with a bottle of vodka.
There are so many pretentious kids that walk the halls of lake oswego highschool. I just cant wait until our ten year reunion. I have goals, I have dreams, I have ambitions so far beyond a highschool football or basketball career, settling in for an easy four year stint at a state school, and then retiring to a life of bullshit office work in daddys company until I can retire to a westlake home right next to the one I grew up in. The people who sit at the top of the social hierarchiy arent all bad people, not at all, and I have found myself continually impressed by the maturation and general kindness displayed this year by people that only last year seemed like all around assholes. It is the culture of testosterone laden posturing by the males, and slutty sex for validation culture displayed by the females, that is so utterly pervasive that even the general good naturedness of the whole group is infected by a cloud of disgusting decay.
I know I sound like a jerk by writing this all out, but I'm not trying to condemn anyone, nor am I displaying some amaizng frusteration because I'm not able to climb the social ladder. I have no interest in popularity, nor in any of the seeming benefits it entails. I am, however, incredibly frusterated that the people who make others lives so hard seemingly face no retribution for the ills they infect upon others. I dont care about myself at all, but I do care about the thousands that have passed through Lake Oswego feeling like the smallest speck of worm mashed on the sidewalk, all because Jonny Football and his posse of Cheer Sluts refused to acknowledge their mortality. Highschool is a cruel place. I just wish there was some way I could change the cycle, but my inability to alter the system frusterates to no end. Every day I become more and more disenfrahcnised, and I withdraw more and more. Too often I just give up and give in, let myself become just another number, let my words and actions reflect simply what is expected of me, and not what is true to myself.
Though I have based my whole concept of myself on being true to who I know I am, it is unimaginably dificult to stay true to oneself one hundred percent of the time in a culture that places so much stock in being what no one could ever be. I hope to god it changes. For every kid who just cant take it any more, for every girl whos ever forced herself to vomit, for everyone that has ever felt lsot and alone ina sea of faces, I just hope to god it changes. If strength was mine to give, Id give it to the world, because none of us are going to make it by ourselves, and the first to admit that and share the load together will be the first fell truly happy.
Every day, I will try and reach out. Every day I will try and let go of my pride, and just reach out to someone, to lean on someone. I cannot deal with my problems myself, nor can anyone else. I resolve to simply reach out, to share a shoulder and an ear, for I know theres always someone who just wants to be listened to. I just wish I could take all of the hurt from the world, take it all, and make it all go away. I would say "look. I am here. I am not perfect, and I hurt too. but together, maybe, just maybe, we can take each others hurt away." I just wish my best was even close to good enough.
So do I win the prize for longest LJ ever?