There Goes The Bride
So, okay, I have a confession: I'm a bad widdle asexual. I don't spend my time on the AVEN boards, although i do go on there occasionally when I have to deal with something that is completely alien to my well-meaning but ultimately clueless sexual friends. I do not own the T-shirt (and yes, there are T-shirts). and I do lust (er- sort of?) after pinup boys. MY version of a pinup boy may vary slightly from the norm, in that i don't actually really have to LOOK at him to fall for him, and my version of lusting has more handholding and kissing, and absolutely no nakedness, but other than that, it's not that different. On top of that, unlike other asexuals, many who proclaim they are trying to find love and relationships and all the things other people want, I am not. I am both asexual (by orientation) and aromantic (by choice). I am, I am proud to say, a rare and frustrating breed.
I have no desire to ever get married either, but these reasons are seperate from the reasons why i won't date. While the reasons I don't date are personal, the reason I will never marry are very political. It's just too much fuss made over something that, in the long run, means very little. Observe.
1. people who get married are offered certain breaks, monetary and otherwise, simply because they are considered as a UNIT, despite the fact that well over half of the marriages in the world end in divorce. I find it fascinating how the social stigma surrounding divorce has dissipiated, but the stigma of young single mothers has not. Lets do the math here people, how much sense does that really make? My family, for instance, are well aware of my eventual plans to be artificially inseminated. My father is completely disgusted by the idea. He says, and I quote, "It's one thing if something happens or the parents split up or something, but to bring a child into this world without two parents, that's not even a real family." Stop and think about that for a second. We live in the 21st century and there are still people under the age of 50 who believe it's better a child go through the possible hell of an eventual ugly divorce, then it is to bring a child into this world with one stable, loving parent who is willing to work twice as hard to give the child everything possible. I guess it's like art then. Family's only real if you're suffering together.
2. there are people in the world who wish to celebrate their love like every other human being by being granted the choice to marry or not, and are denied that choice, and the benefits that come with it. Yes, I know, in Canada we legalized gay marriage, and yes, it's spreading, but the words Civil Union, Same-Sex partnership et al just sound cold and horrible. Conversely, two people who live together for a year, share a bed, but have no intentions of ever marrying, are granted those benefits and the title of Common-Law MARRIAGE. I know, I know, semantics, but believe me, connotations matter. Marriage is supposed to be about love, but apparently, it's more about sex, and which forms of it are and are not appropriate. Which brings me to
3. Our society values sex more than love. Marriage means nothing. See, I totally am secretly a romantic. No, not really. But I mean, look at Britney's famed 72-hour marriage. "It was just something to do. we wanted to do something crazy." Or something a little less tabloid-riffic. Someone I know was engaged to be married by the age of 21. yes, the engagment was a mistake, and yes, eventually they called it off. The point is though that someone else I know felt it nesascery to stick her nose in and say, "i wouldn't want to be married by 21. you'd just end up divorced. and probably get remarried... and i mean who'd want to say they'd been married four times." Now, this particular girl did not have the best judgement when it came to men, so I kind of found it silly for her to be commenting. so i said, "you've slept with at least four men already. wouldn't you rather say you'd fallen in love and been stupid four times then that you were bored and horny with four people you don't give a damn about?" and she got upset and responded, "that's different! everybody does that, except you." now, maybe she was just defensive and I overstepped. maybe my A is showing and i just really don't understand (i hear that a lot). but honestly. if marriage is so sacred that we can't let the gays in to muck it up, as the homophobic politicos would have us believe, or so important that it requires careful scheming er, planning, so says every woman's magazine ever written, (and while we're on the subject, just so you know, the man of my dreams would see through all that manipulative crap. UGH that's just creepy and demeaning for both sexes.) then why has it been demoted to shacking up and being 'married' by technicality, or driving out to a city with an all night casino with a few of your drunken buddies? it takes a year or more to finalize a divorce. You want to convince me marriage is important and sacred, pass a law that requires a marriage be tested and finalized in the same way. because like I said, this is the 21st century, and those old arguments are getting weaker by the day.
4. Marriage requires obligation far beyond the regular compromises in a relationship. No seriously. Think about it. We may no longer live in a society where Man goes off to provide for Family and Woman stays home and minds Children, though that's more of an economical problem then anything else, since it's simply not feasible for most parents to raise children on a single salary. But there's the fact that a woman still usually takes a mans name when they're married, and therefore is expected to insert herself into HIS family. A popular modern trend is to take both names, and give the child a double name, but some people still see that as disrespectful. i told my father if hell ever froze over and i got married, i would keep my own name (his name, incidentally) and he responded by telling me how disappointed he would be to have raised his daughter to be so disrespectful.
It goes further. Did you know you can legally annul a marriage if it is never consummated? not even grounds for divorce, just, "this was not a real marriage, there was no sex." as an asexual, this whole concept disgusts me. i have met many asexuals through AVEN who are in happy marriages and THERE IS NO SEX. should one of those people become angry with the other, i doubt they would call for an anullment BECAUSE there was no sex, because they kind of knew that going in. BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED! now, if you're with someone for a number of years, and they have sexual issues that you can't work through, and you decide you can't handle it and bolt, at LEAST give them the courtesy of, "we made a mistake, i can't do this anymore, i want out." an anullment is exactly what it says: null. NOTHING. as in, "you were not want i wanted, ergo, you were nothing." is it worth it to do that? over SEX? the fact that people do is wrong enough. the fact that it's legal is abhorrent. I'm sorry, once again, I'm asexual, I know nothing on how important sex is, or is supposed to be, but that just seems sick to me. Take it from someone who knows, you can love someone just as hard and just as much without ever even wanting to have sex.
Bottom line, marriage is misguided. It's old-fashioned and obsolete and people only do it to fullfill some obligation, financial, familial, sociological, or to entertain some fantasy of being 'stable' or running around playing house all day. I'm not bitter or jaded* (cynical i am, but that's another tale for another day), but people want people to get married for no other reason than that they believe eventually people SHOULD be married. Nobody really cares about marriage.I want no part in it. It has nothing to do with love, and is simply a legal proceedure to tie you to another person, and his or her lifestyle/family/finances/influence for as long as you both see fit.
i may be an aromantic asexual and have no idea what i'm talking about, but from this end, it doesn't look worth much.
* my parents have been married for almost twenty-four years. They are very happy and very much in love. Translation: I am not the product of a bad marriage.