Writers who write love letters
Pairing: Kamenashi Kazuya/Akanishi JIn, slight Kim Jaejoong/Park Yoochun (when I say slight, I mean that they don't show up that much in the fic but they are established here)
Summary: Off to University with a vision of learning new things, Kamenashi Kazuya expects to be the next Haruki Murakami but ended up being Yukio Yamaji.
Notes: The plot is not entirely mine because I based this on Kill your darlings which I am so obsessed about. If you haven't seen the film, you must. Plus, the actors are visually appealing. Win-win situation, I'd say. I also won't promise that this fiction has no typo error whatsoever because as you know, I don't proof read my fiction but I hope it isn't anything too bad. And if you find that the story starts okay then ends up being rushed that's because I suck and fail at life. Anyway, I hope you like this. :)
"I cried every night, it's not a manly thing to do but I did," Kame says and the bright light and only light that's in the room is growing on him, his handcuffs are marking his wrists, dirt packed under his fingernails and one of the many things that hurt him.
The light is swinging, forward and back, to shine on Kame's tired eyes and back to the detective who's got a cigarette on one hand and the other keeping it still as if he'd made a drastic move, Kame would go ballistic. His however don't leave the knot Kame's forming with his fingers, it looks painful but Jaejoong knows he's had it harder.
-
A freshman in Tokyo University. Wide eyed and hopeful that he'll learn as much as he's willing to give to this notable institution, his drive to make such amazing friends that will finally think like him, his passion to enhance himself.
He opens his dorm room, a ratty and passed down from generation to generation that he seems to embrace and thinks Gotta start from something, he thinks and his new roommate cues.
"Taguchi Junnosuke, you can call me Junno for short. Gymnastics team," And true to his physical armour, Junnosuke is buff but not in an obnoxious way because his muscles are lean enough to not be that intimidating and his skin doesn’t look all rough though his height is a little overwhelming to make Kame envy it. Kame also notes how Junno’s smile is genuine and free, something he’s not too keen on giving to other people but he’s determined to change that now he’s in a new setting.
He thinks smiling is too much work but he smiles back to his new roommate.
“Kamenashi Kazuya,” he says with a gleam in his eyes and voice sounding hopeful, Junno immediately picks up.
“Freshman?” He asks, his eyebrows waggle and Kame chuckles lightly then nods. Is it that obvious?, he thinks.
The bell rings and it signals first period for Junno and Freshman orientation for Kamenashi, they part ways when Junno grabs his book bag filled with nothing but candy and a few books he needs for his lectures and Kame takes a quick trip to the shared bathroom to check his appearance before going off to the auditorium.
They’re in one group because they’re were only a few Creative Writing majors and there is only one student leader for their group unlike the other groups who had two or if it was necessary three student leaders to keep the freshmen in line while orientation was going on. It was the library first for their group because the administration assumed they would use this facility the most.
Kame is amazed by the amount and quality of the books that are neatly tucked in their proper shelves, some books that had history were in glass boxes the student leader explains why they’re the university’s gems but he deviates his attention to the person who is straddling the lamp that’s on top of the tables inside the library and is rocking it like he’s having passionate sex.
The man was singing and his voice is soulful enough that Kame had his eyes trained onto that person who had his eyes closed while he tries to belt out certain rhythms with his plump lips. The whole group is pleased with his performance but the librarian breaks it up with “Mr. Akanishi, I will not tolerate this nonsense. One more and you’ll be banned from this facility,” she warns and the said “Mr. Akanishi” was giggling, the fat under his eyes are bunching up and he’s suddenly so beautiful to Kamenashi’s eyes.
And that’s how Kamenashi met his downfall.
If he only knew this beforehand,, he wouldn’t have been smitten by Jin’s sweet voice.
-
“I didn’t know what to do, I was a coward,” Kame continues his eyes are blank, his struggling earlier had caused the arm cuffs to wound tighter around his wrists and bits of dried blood had stained his skin. Jaejoong looks down at Kamenashi’s stubby fingers that were neatly folded in front of him, he wonders how those hands had taken someone he loved the most.
“I didn’t want to admit it and that was a mistake,” he chuckles lightly, albeit a little begrudgingly and looks up as he sighs.
“Ah. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life,” he says and slowly trains his eyes to Jaejoong’s clear brown eyes, the light catching bits of his tainted spirit.
“How about you detective?” there’s a twang in his tone and it sound to Jaejoong like he’s beginning to go soft so he puts his guards up, his breath hitching. He doesn’t show that he’s bothered with the question because if he shows any signs of weakness he’ll be done for sure.
-
It’s a friday and Junno asks him to come with him to boys night out and Kamenashi declines because he’s full of freshman papers and he figures he needs to make a god impression to his professors. He sends Junno away with a promise that he’ll go next week and his roommate nods as he heads for the door with his big goofy smile.
Kame is typing his first short story for this class. The premise is something wide and he doesn’t know where to start, all these possibilities and restrictions limited made it hard for him to start because there were a lot of things that were running through his mind, sometimes it’s overwhelming inside his brain.
He’s in the middle of drafting his short story when he hears that voice again, singing a different song but this time it’s a little happier and the lyrics are less womanising. He stands up from his seat and trudges to the door, closes it behind him as he follows the sound he’s so fascinated with, he’s getting closer and he doesn’t knock on the door, just goes in and intrudes the man’s privacy but he doesn’t stop singing because his eyes are closed like in the library and Kame is confused.
But the good kind.
“You somehow invited yourself in,” Kame stops staring, he shakes his head a little as if to get himself straight again back into the real world. He smiles instead which is not his reflexive reaction to anything but this is new and he can’t decide if he likes it or not yet.
“What were you singing?” Kame asks instead, his palms begin to sweat but that’s normal. Nothing is abnormal.
“You tell me,” the man stands up from his bed, goes to dock his iPhone and blasts a kind of music that Kamenashi hasn’t heard in his life. His mother forbids him to listen to these kinds of music but his mother is not here right now and there’s an inclination, Kame is just not sure what.
His brain starts to work, like he’s writing again and he sees certain pictures and characters as he listens to the music that’s being played, the man stares at him but he doesn’t notice since he’s busy writing a story inside his head.
There’s a poet that’s in love with his best friend and they’re tangled in all sorts of complicated and the story escalates from there. Kame is so into the story inside his head that he doesn’t remember where he is, that the man who is singing the lovely music inside his mind a little earlier is staring right at him. He thinks, he needs to write this down, thinks he needs to document this inspiration and he shuffles out of the room quickly as he let himself in.
Leaving the man baffled in a good way. He’s grown attracted to this beautiful randomness that is Kamenashi Kazuya.
-
It’s the twenty first day of the second month of investigation and Jaejoong is still stuck with Kamenashi Kazuya during his thursdays. He gives up on prying the truth from him because he learns that once you push Kazuya too much, he rails his hooves back predatorily and builds his walls up and to be honest, Jaejoong’s grown tired with Kamenashi’s dancing so listens to his prose instead.
“I did not know what love meant even though I wrote a a bunch of stories revolving the one topic that I don’t really know, thousands of words that I managed to put together but what does it all mean? I am not sure,” Kamenashi laughs and Jaejoong has grown to love the sketchy laugh of the prisoner. Jaejoong always notes how pale and skinny he had become, with pushing the metal tray away from him every single meal and not bothering to go out of his cell except for Thursdays.
“I like how you’re silent, detective. I like how you pretend you’re sane,” and Kamenashi laughs again, his feet clapping like a madman and maybe he is but Jaejoong knows he’s not at all, happy.
-
Kame gets a over the roof score with his short story assignment and he rewards himself by joining Junno’s boys night out downtown where the real night life is and he’s nervous and excited at the same time because this is a first, the start of his social life.
“You drink alcohol?” Junno’s friend asks, Kame tries to remember if his name is Koki but the blonde streaks in his hair intimidates him to forget his name so he sticks with Koki but he doesn’t really call his name and nods even though he doesn’t really drink, even though this is his first time with alcohol.
Koki or the blonde streak hair guy hands him a bottle of beer that’s cold enough to make his fingers numb, he takes a swig and the alien taste is pleasant so he drinks one more until the bottle is half empty.
“Whoa there. We’re five stops away from the dorm, you don’t expect me to carry your drunk ass to bed right?” Junno jokes but there’s a little bite in it and Kame shakes his head and calculates on how much beer he can take before his vision doubles.
“I’d happily volunteer if you don’t want to,” there’s a voice that’s coming from behind his head and the breath sends shivers down his spine and it’s weird and inviting at the same time, he doesn’t turn his back to look though.
Kame sees Junno smile, his beer raising to the person that’s behind him and waggles his eyebrows.
“You’d be drunk faster than Kame here,” Junno says, curiosity piqued Kame looks back and he swallows back the saliva he’s unconsciously been collecting in the back of his throat.
“So that’s your name,” the man who has a lovely voice, the man who played him such wonderful inspirational music, the man who’s utterly confusing to him shows up again in front of his face, transfers his breaths to his skin and it’s boggling his brain with confusing thoughts, he’s not sure how to feel about it so he raises his eyebrows instead.
The man holds his gaze, eyebrow still raised and Kame thinks he needs more beer but he fears that Junno might smack him right in the face if he ever took one more swig because one beer might knock him down.
Or maybe the man’s gaze will.
-
“Such beautiful eyes you have, detective,” Kame says and Jaejoong blinks, trying to wet his eyes. Kame had asked if he could stay a little bit because he’s feeling extra lonely and it’s painful. Would you spare me from that little pain, detective? He so tenderly asked him that’s why he ended up staying more than he planned.
The truth is, he’s growing a soft spot for this criminal. A criminal whom have loved so much took matters to his hands and he ended up a nutcase. Jaejoong knows what it feels like to love but nothing like Kamenashi’s love.
“You don’t speak that much too but you have such a beautiful voice,” Kame says, his eyes sparkling as he tries to wait for Jaejoong to catch his gaze and when they do Jaejoong’s eyes are inquiring.
“I heard you. You were humming a song, a song that he used to hum too,” and the silence starts because Jaejoong doesn’t really know what to say.
-
Ueda Tatsuya, one of Kame’s group mates, catches him staring at something.
“Akanishi Jin,” he says in Kame’s ear and it tickles.
‘What?” he asks, his eyes a little weird and blank from the spacing out he’s done. The professor is nowhere to be seen and guesses that this is college for him, missing professors and open windows that let bees and whatnot come in. It’s a bright sunny day and that’s good thing.
“The guy who sang in the library,” his classmate says and Kame is silent, he doesn’t know what to say.
So stays quiet and lets Ueda continue.
“He’s from the music department, he’s a little older than us from what I’ve heard,” Kame takes this information into his brain and saves it for further use, his face is blank and maybe a little thin lipped because he’s acting too much that he’s not really interested.
“I’m not gay,” Kame says because it’s the most normal thing he can think of, in the thousands of words that’s planted inside his head, he thinks of something boring and normal.
Which is not his style.
-
“I’m not feeling well today, detective,” Kamenashi says and sleeps through the whole session. Jaejoong went home earlier than he expected.
-
His last class is poetry, in which he hates the most because it’s short words that are strict and intellectual and it’s not his style.
Kame likes pages of words that describe each character, each setting and each emotion in depth so that his readers can place themselves in that particular situation, feel the characters emotion and just live through his stories. He likes to think he’s creating a wonderland for book enthusiasts or people who read his work in general, wants to transport them into something amazing and have the option to go back to what they were.
Alice in wonderland.
“Don’t think too much, he’s ditching the class,” a voice, a familiar voice whispers in his ear. The familiar chill runs down his spine and it’s a little pleasant because Kamenashi is not at all for change or surprises.
“How do you know?” he asks, not looking up from the book he’s reading because Tolstoy has all of his attention right now.
The voice doesn’t say anything so he continues to read and a big ball of crumpled paper huts him in the cheek and when he looks up, the man is gone and the classroom is empty.
He realised that he had fallen asleep, the marks from his book had imprinted on his nose and the flaps of his eyes - reddish and deep. Unfolding the paper like it’s the most normal thing to do, he reads the ugly scrawl of penmanship and twists his wrists in question.
9pm, library gate
- 仁
It’s weird to be following a vague note but he finds himself standing just outside the library like he’s been told, his knit gloves folded over so that he can swipe his phone to check if Junno had left him any messages or Tatsuya trying to fill him with more information about Akansihi. There’s a sound from the bushes but then again, Kame’s never been the one to be creeped out immediately.
He doesn’t believe in ghosts, after life or even the supernatural because he’s all about the real world and even in his fictions, he chooses to set his stories in the real setting of life where there is hurt, pain, love and happiness.
Traffic, especially Shibuya traffic.
“You’re hère,” he identifies the voice is coming from the bushes where it’s dark and crowded with greenery and it doesn’t even creep him out.
“I was told to be here at this hour,” he answers but he’s still talking to the bush.
“Would you follow me anywhere?” the voice asks behind the bushes and Kame sits in the balls of his feet, squatting low and fingers touching the dusty floor for balance, he stares into the bushes as if he knows where the face of the voice is and doesn’t say anything.
“I was also told not to follow strangers,” he says, he thinks it’s funny because the voice suddenly chuckles loudly and even his laugh is melodious and lovely.
The man barely comes out from the dark, the shadows hides his face perfectly and his eyes are dark and deep and from the way his body moves, Kame knows it’s him. It’s Akanishi Jin.
He wonders when did he even start to pick up Akanishi’s gestures and movements, have he been staring at this man for so long? He’s not sure. Maybe it’s because Tatsuya. Yes, it’s all Tatsuya’s fault.
Akanishi takes his had and intertwines it with Kame’s and his face is blank. He doesn’t know what the hell is happening.
“I’m going to take you under my wing,,” he says and from then on, Kamenashi doesn’t know what that actually means but thinks he’s getting a favour from Akanishi. Jin’s a cool guy and it doesn’t hurt to boost his social life a little too.
-
There’s utter silence in the interview room and Jaejoong is half sleepy and half attentive to what Kamenashi’s gestures are.
He’s rubbing his knuckles with the pads of his fingers, a sign wherein he’s a little over the edge - like he’s going to give this all up and ‘fuck life’. He learned this when he was talking about the victim, when the victim had told him sweet nothings that he didn’t understand, things that he didn’t want to understand, moves that the victim did that made him unsure.
And Jaejoong also notes the lack of hair in one portion of Kamenashi’s head, it’s slowly thinning probably because he refuses to eat and sleep less than he should, the dark circles under his eyes are horribly pronounce without much effort and Jaejoong half thinks of writhing to the higher ups and tell them to move Kamenashi into a more ‘friendly’ institution that would make him feel okay, that no one is going to get hurt.
But not right now, not when he’s starting to understand Kamenashi’s ways, how each gesture has its corresponding meaning.
“You know detective, I know something about you too,” and the hair in Jaejoong’s forearms rise, the chill going down his spine.
What can he possibly know about him?
“You don’t talk but I know something about you that’s similar to what happened to me,”
-
Lighting, it doesn’t strike anything but the sharp light in the dark sky is enough to send Kamenashi writing a short story about how the lightning is lonely and wants attention because he’s disabled, sound robbed from him whilst his partner in crime is robbed from sight and together they’re bigger, together they are whole.
“This is good, this is why I trust you,” Trust, Kamenashi frowns because he thinks Jin had bestowed something so heavy on his shoulders. Not because he’s writing Jin’s papers, no but because Jin trusts him enough to write his papers for him.
Trust Kamenashi thinks is such a big deal then love comes next.
“It’s not really goo-” feeling a little ashamed for his half-assed work, his doodles had somehow made its way to Akanishi’s hands and it’s burning the paper, in Kamenashi’s eyes the paper is in flames because Akanishi’s touch is too hot, too warm and powerful as his voice.
Akanishi’s fingers creep through the buttons of his shirt, it’s summer time now that’s why he can wear something light as a button down shirt and cut off jeans. He feels uncomfortable, doesn’t know what to do and say but wants Akanishi to stop because this is not what he signed up for, he isn’t that way.
Kamenashi is not gay.
But the fingers continue and it goes down deeper and deeper until Kame can feel himself being groped and pulled and pleasured in a way that’s making him feel good and dirty at the same time, I’m not gay, he plays it over and over in his mind.
I’m not gay, but when he comes and Jin is licking his fingers clean and tucking Kamenashi inside his jean pants, he replays the mantra again in his head.
I’m not gay.
-
“You didn’t like him touching you?” Jaejoong speaks, in these rare accounts Kamenashi is in a good mood. They meet halfway, he speaks and he smiles his creepy ass smile while he taps a tune in the wooden table.
“Sometimes I don’t, sometimes I like it, he can be gentle as a feather and rough as a provoked lion,” Kamenashi explains, his eyes are blank and hooded again probably because he hasn’t had enough sleep but the twitch in the corner of his cheek is amazingly charming.
Jaejoong’s not surprised why Akanishi Jin had fallen so helplessly in love with Kamenashi.
-
“Down the hall, the first door to the left, that’s where it is,” Kamenashi adjusts his eye glasses and while he shows her the way to the library, her sparkling cardigan and charming smile is enough to explain that this girl is a freshman.
“Thank you,” she says and Kame finds him smiling widely even after she’s out of sight, it’s a new feeling and the warmth in his chest is overwhelming.
There’s a shiver that runs down his spine, it’s familiar and he straightens his back and wipes the smile off his face.
“Pretty girl, you know her?” Jin’s voice is low and sultry like he’s singing and it’s compelling Kame will admit but not right now when there’s a hint of negativity in the tone.
Kame doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even try to nod to Jin’s question because he had managed to develop this ability to detect if Jin meant he wanted an answer when he asked something, most of the times Jin just wanted Kame to be silent so he stays that way.
The older man puts a heavy hand on top of Kame’s shoulder, it’s literally heavy and Kame tired not bring his shoulders down as Jin’s strength weighs him down, he didn’t want to look weak even though his body could prove it. Jin presses his lips to the shell of Kame’s ear, obscured by his mop of yesterday’s clean hair and whispers.
“You’re the only one,” he says, and in a flash he goes on his merry way to wherever he’s supposed to be like nothing happened.
Kame doesn’t know what to do.
-
Kame meets this girl again. Her name is Haruka, Ayase Haruka. She has small cherry red lips and pale white skin but he learns that Haruka is a little older than him by a year, she explains that she had problems that’s why she hadn’t managed to enroll two years ago and Kame waves her off, it’s not like he’s asking for an explanation anyway.
They bump into each other after third period, after Kame’s Arithmetic class and Kame’s books leave a small red mark on Haruka’s knee but she doesn’t notice that as she quickly kneels and apologises profusely while picking up the books she had managed to jerk out of Kame’s hands, he bends down and apologises as well and they pick up the books, clumsily knocking each other with their arms.
Kame’s balancing himself in one knee when he outstretches his hand for Haruka’s textbook and Haruka claims it with a soft smile that made Kame’s chest warm, a pleasant feeling.
“I’m sorry, I’m a little clumsy,” she explains. They’re standing on their feet now, Kamenashi towering Haruka a little, her hands wrapped protectively around her fallen books but her eyes are soft and directed to Kamenashi’s enamoured ones.
They learn that they have the same class, the class that Kamenashi failed last semester and Haruka jokes about how can he possibly flunk that class but he doesn’t explain why, she wouldn’t even understand if he even tried to.
-
It’s colder than usual and Jaejoong is wearing a fluffy black outwear while Kamenashi is wearing nothing but the prisoner uniform they’re issued with and a couple of bruises on his cheek, new bruises because they were blue, dark and very angry in comparison to Kamenashi’s pale skin.
“Who did this to you?” he felt the need to ask after all he’s grown to understand Kamenashi, wanted to consider him as his friend even if the other doesn’t think so. He’s developed feelings, the need to protect Kamenashi from further pain at least that’s what he would like to think.
“Akanishi,” it’s barely audible when he says it but Jaejoong catches it, the room isn’t the big anyway so Kamenashi words can’t hide anywhere.
“He’s still here you know, he doesn’t leave,” then Jaejoong spots more bruises that were located in his nape, red marks and scratches going down to his back hidden by his prisoners uniform. He stands up and yanks Kamenashi’s arm away and grasps his collar and brings the clothing down to reveal the wounds on his back, Jaejoong is amazed.
He doesn’t know if he could believe Kamenashi because he wanted to, he knew Kamenashi would never hurt himself not if there was a reason to. The prisoner shrugs Jaejoong’s arm violently to shake him off, his eyes are red and angry Jaejoong doesn’t want to back away but then Kame relaxes and leans to the back of his seat, folds his hands neatly and smiles at the detective.
“I was in love with a girl once, detective. The only girl that I’ve ever loved and she was beautiful,” he says, like nothing happened.
Jaejoong goes with the flow. It’s true.
-
Sparks fly whenever Kame and Haruka would go away together. They would spend time together when they’re on breaks, after school and on holidays and they were happy, everyone could see it Kame’s eyes. It was safe to say that Kame had little time to hang out with his guy friends though, Junno was cool with it since he was always busy with training and the other guys seemed to find something to do.
He also hadn’t seen Akanishi in a long time. Ever since they started dating, Akanishi somehow had disappeared from Kame’s sight and it was a little unnerving considering he didn’t actually liked being with Akanishi because he had done nothing but steer his life to the path of delinquency. Well, the perfect intelligent delinquency because even though Akanishi was a bum when it came to school, he would always push Kame to write things and let him be when he’s in his little world, characterising people and conjuring plots.
Akanishi was supportive of Kame’s wild brain and he was thankful for that because Jin was the only one who understood him when he first came here in the university. Took him under his wing and taught him how to fly but he always pulled him back whenever he flew too far from him because Jin didn’t want him to go away, Jin wanted him to stay with him and listen to his love songs and scratchy voice in the morning after a long night of drinking.
It’s just a little unusual to not be graced by Akanishi’s presence every now and then, unlike before he was like a genie would show up whenever he wanted to.
“I had a nice time. I always do,” Haruka kisses Kame’s cheek and smiles shyly before she pulls away and crosses her arms the keys jiggling making a noise. They both smile and Kame’s cheeks are burning in a shade of something apple red and Haruka loves it, loves the gleam of Kame’s eyes when he talks to her, loves it when he explains the characters to her, loves him when his hair is all ruffled up after working the whole day.
Haruka brings a gentle hand in Kame’s cheek and smiles again, pulls her hand back and waves goodbye. They’re done for the day.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” the loud chattering noises of the highschoolers and the honks of the car is the soundtrack of their day. She wipes her train card and goes through the barrier, Kame watches her walk away and when she’s out of his sight, he turns around and walks back to where he’s supposed to go.
“Jin,” he says, a little surprised and unsure why he had missed saying Jin’s name out loud. Suddenly the sound of the honks and chattering in the background had numbed his ears and it’s silent and Jin’s breathing is all he can hear.
Akanishi Jin just stands there in front of him while around them, people walk quickly to get to their train on time and meet people. Kame’s is rooted to his place, his feet can’t seem to move and his eyes are strangely wet, the look in Akanishi’s eyes is different. They stare at each other for a few minutes while they let the world go on around them, he notes how Jin’s eyes are a little deep and the dark circles under his eyes are huge and he also lost a significant amount of weight enough to make Kame notice.
“You found me,” Kame says, he doesn’t know why he said that he thinks it’s instinct that Jin will always find him wherever he goes, Kame is a little relieved to see Jin and also a little unsure of this feeling but when Jin smiled at him with his eyes sunk low and his jaw line protruding just a little more than before, he genuinely feels happy to see Jin.
Jin walks closer to where Kame is, a few steps maybe a few more laboured breathes and he gets there and the distance is so close Kame should feel a little uncomfortable but he doesn’t because this is Jin and they have done far more intimate things than this. As Jin starts to intertwine their fingers together they don’t care about their surroundings like two men that are holding hands are not unusual at all.
Truthfully, it doesn’t go through Kame’s mind that holding Jin’s hand in public like this is a little dangerous but what he thinks about is how Jin’s hands are so warm the fact that they’re in the middle of February and it’s the coldest month of the year. Jin’s hand is also rough, calloused at the tips of his fingers and a little smooth in the middle just like he remembers, tattooed in his mind.
“I’ll always find you,” Jin says, his voice still pretty much the same scratchy and smooth. Good to Kame’s ears. He pulls back his hand roughly away from Jin’s warm hand and it’s amazingly cold now, he steps back a few inches away from Jin who has wide eyes, confused.
Kame backs up with a few more steps until there’s a significant distance from him and Jin, people walk through that distance without a problem as the surroundings are still busy with people trying to get to their homes. Jin’s eyes are still wide, eyebrows sorrowful as he calculates Kame’s behaviour. The younger turns back and walks away from the elder, his feet making quick steps as if to get away from Jin as fast as possible.
Jin catches up to Kame when they’re out of the public eye, when they’re somewhere quiet but Kame doesn’t intend to stop walking, to stop walking and talk to Jin. No plans at all so he shrugs out Jin’s hand again when the older grasps his coat, hands slip like butter on a hot pan. But Jin is taller than Kame, has more muscle and strength in his bones so he traps Kame with his body in one corner, he struggles as much as he can but Jin doesn’t let him go he’s never seen Jin like this his eyes are stark anger and wet, his cheeks are damp and Kame doesn’t know if it’s the snow or the tears.
“Let me go,” his voice is surprisingly calm despite being trapped into submission like this, he knows Jin, he knows that Jin can be persuaded with kind words and calm voices. Jin just stares at him with those tired eyes.
“Jin, let me go,” firmer than earlier, he puts a gentle hand on Jin’s arm that’s stretched out to cage Kame’s head he feels the taut muscles, angry and strong.
“You don’t like me anymore,” Jin sounds like he’s sulking, like he’s a little kid who got abandoned by his best friend. It breaks Kame’s heart.
“I love her,” the younger says, figured that he had to hurt Jin like this. Because it’s true, Haruka is nothing but amazing and he’s happy so so so happy with her. Jin laughs darkly, his eyes can’t be seen because it’s hidden by the loose strands of his hair.
Jin springs back from the wall and kicks it with full force frightening Kame with his hands over his ears, his book bag falls on the dirty damp floor and the light from the shady lamppost illuminates his damp cheeks. Jin grabs his hair and spins slowly, closing his eyes hard and opening them to look at Kame in the eyes and he releases his stretched out scalp and points an index finger to Kame.
“She doesn’t even love you! She’s been seeing Ueda all this fucking time. Acting like she needs to go to the nurse just to fuck him in the boys room,” Kame can’t believe his ears, he doesn’t want to believe Akanishi but there was always this inclination that Haruka preferred Tatsuya out of all his friends. Junno and him had once talked about this, Junno making an offhanded comment about how if they didn’t work out, she’ll have Tatsuya to fall back to.
But Kame surges closer to Akanishi, sharp bones from his balled fist make contact to Akanishi’s jaw and it makes a popping sound that Kame doesn’t mind. Akanishi takes another blow to the stomach as Kame’s other fist prepares to punch him in the side of his face again, Jin finds an opportunity to throw back some punches and it leaves Kame a little shaky. Jin goes for that, walks closer and traps him again against the wall to try and make him see what’s happening and coax him back to him.
He had always loved Kamenashi from the moment he had laid his eyes on him, the moment he saw him walking with that orientation group and getting sent to the discipline office was worth it. He left an impression on him, he knew it and it was the best thing he had ever done. Though he had Kame do things he wish he hadn’t make him do, like take him while he was so clueless and innocent and to others it may look like he had been brain washing a freshman, making him a slave but that was never his intention.
He loves Kamenashi and it’s ridiculously strong enough to not be ignored.
But like magic, Kame produces a small pocket knife and without any sound thought he sticks the knife into Akanishi’s stomach and pulls it out, stabs him again this time in the chest and again near the side of his torso. He doesn’t take out the knife in the last stab, he leaves it there and Akanishi is on his knees now looking at his wounds to Kame who has his hands bloody.
Jin paws through his wounds, blood staining his clothes and his hands and makes eyes back at Kame who is grabbing his book bag and leaving one last look before running off, leaving Akanishi behind under the shady lamp post.
Jin dies at 9:26 in the evening due to loss of blood from the three stabs that Kamenashi had made.
-
“It was true detective, she had someone else while she was with me. That’s why she never had me over to her place, we always parted in the train station,” Kame giggles and wipes his hands over his ratty prison pants.
The lightbulb flicks once and Jaejoong shuffles closer to Kamenashi, maybe this is the confession that he had been waiting for since the start of this weekly meetings. He doesn’t urge Kame to continue though, he doesn’t want to risk it not when he’s this close to getting the case done.
“We are the same right, detective? Our loved ones were taken away from us?” the prisoner points to his neck with his lips and Jaejoong tries to compose himself but fails miserably, fingers the ring tha’st hanging around his neck all this time.
“But from what I’ve heard, he was stolen from you. Ah, you’re a better man than me, detective,” he says and his voice is laced with regret. Jaejoong tries to focus but his eyes start to water, the ring is chilly but his heart is pounding so much he thinks Kamenashi can hear it.
“He was in the army,” Jaejoong whispers but Kamenashi could hear it and he stops doing whatever he’s doing and listens but doesn’t look up to meet Jaejoong’s eyes, he’s not ready to see emotion that’s not his just yet.
Jaejoong sniffs, it’s still hard to talk about.
“He was in Korea and I was here for work, he said he’ll catch up after his service. It was only a month left before he was discharged, we were so excited I prepared everything for him here but the war broke out, he got shot by the enemy and I lost someone without having to do anything to save him,” Jaejoong is crying now, there’s nothing he could see but the wet telegram he got from the army informing him that Park Yoochun had died in the war, a few quotes of how he died with honour, etc.
“And now I’m living in a house that’s built for two,” he wipes his tears away, his nose red as he tries to suck all his tears up and not show them to Kamenashi. A prisoner who managed to penetrate his high walls, got the truth out from him even before he did.
Kamenashi takes his hand and squeezes it, it’s rough but it’s warm and it feels quite nice to be held like this but at the same time a little embarrassing.
“Since I’ve got no one else but myself, I think I’m going to have to confess too, detective. So you better dry your eyes and say goodbye to me because you’ll never see me again after this,” he says with a slight smile on his face, Jaejoong tilts his head slightly and pouts.
Kamenashi coughs like he’s about to sing and he does, his voice is lovely not close to anything amazing but his voice is pure and sincere and full of emotion. Jaejoong have heard a few songs of Akanishi Jin and he instantly recognised this as one of his dedication songs.
I’d rather have a rainy day with you than see the sunshine alone,
or have a hundred days of winter with you here in my arms.
I’ll be your shelter through the storm just to have you by my side.
And when he was done singing, Kamenashi was shaking.
“He sang me that song, the first time we properly hung out, it was just his guitar, his voice and a run down apartment and it was perfect,” there were tears in his eyes, Kamenashi wants to stop crying because he knows how Jin doesn’t like to see him cry.
“I was a coward. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I loved him while he showed everyone around us how much he loved me, I was selfish and in denial. I didn’t want to believe that I was falling for a man, it bruised me, my ego but most importantly, it ruined me and cost me the one who loved me the most,” Kame manages to get it out of his system, the front part of his chest is dotted with his tears and they both don’t care.
“I stabbed him to death because I was coward, I am my worst enemy,” he says.
“I lost the only one I ever loved because I was a coward, I was the one who took his life,” Kamenashi knows it’s recorded and he couldn’t care less, it took him months to confess but he doesn’t care even if he gets the fucking death penalty, he deserves it. He deserves to die after what he did to Jin, after what he did to himself, he had lost everything. His ability and interest to write, his friends, the love of his life.
He sniffs, wipes the tears off his cheeks and smiles at Jaejoong, his hands neatly placed on top of the metal table.
“I’ve told the truth and I have never been freer,” he lowers his head.
Jaejoong slowly takes out the cuffs from his belt loop and attaches it to Kame’s wrists and says the appropriate words of conviction, from this day on Kamenashi is not longer a suspect, he is now Kamenashi Kazuya - Murderer.
-
"Twenty years, detective. The government's going soft," Kamenashi says through the bars, he's wearing something different now because he's been transferred to a different prison house. Jaejoong is half smiling and nodding, it's safe to say that he and Kamenashi have this connection now, not friends but a little more than acquaintances.
"I'd say Akanishi-san helped you," he chuckles lightly, Kame hits Jaejoong lightly.
"He'd want me to stay here until I die because he'll be too jealous if I was out there, with millions of prospects," he smiles.
"I know you wouldn't do that," Kamenashi stop laughing abruptly and looks down at his feet.
"Thank you, detective. You may have sent me to jail but you've helped me," Jaejoong doesn't know what to say.
"And Jin," there's a smile in Kamenashi's voice that says he's going to be alright and that he'll always have something to look forward to in twenty years.
And it's to visit Jin's grave.
Summary: Off to University with a vision of learning new things, Kamenashi Kazuya expects to be the next Haruki Murakami but ended up being Yukio Yamaji.
Notes: The plot is not entirely mine because I based this on Kill your darlings which I am so obsessed about. If you haven't seen the film, you must. Plus, the actors are visually appealing. Win-win situation, I'd say. I also won't promise that this fiction has no typo error whatsoever because as you know, I don't proof read my fiction but I hope it isn't anything too bad. And if you find that the story starts okay then ends up being rushed that's because I suck and fail at life. Anyway, I hope you like this. :)
"I cried every night, it's not a manly thing to do but I did," Kame says and the bright light and only light that's in the room is growing on him, his handcuffs are marking his wrists, dirt packed under his fingernails and one of the many things that hurt him.
The light is swinging, forward and back, to shine on Kame's tired eyes and back to the detective who's got a cigarette on one hand and the other keeping it still as if he'd made a drastic move, Kame would go ballistic. His however don't leave the knot Kame's forming with his fingers, it looks painful but Jaejoong knows he's had it harder.
-
A freshman in Tokyo University. Wide eyed and hopeful that he'll learn as much as he's willing to give to this notable institution, his drive to make such amazing friends that will finally think like him, his passion to enhance himself.
He opens his dorm room, a ratty and passed down from generation to generation that he seems to embrace and thinks Gotta start from something, he thinks and his new roommate cues.
"Taguchi Junnosuke, you can call me Junno for short. Gymnastics team," And true to his physical armour, Junnosuke is buff but not in an obnoxious way because his muscles are lean enough to not be that intimidating and his skin doesn’t look all rough though his height is a little overwhelming to make Kame envy it. Kame also notes how Junno’s smile is genuine and free, something he’s not too keen on giving to other people but he’s determined to change that now he’s in a new setting.
He thinks smiling is too much work but he smiles back to his new roommate.
“Kamenashi Kazuya,” he says with a gleam in his eyes and voice sounding hopeful, Junno immediately picks up.
“Freshman?” He asks, his eyebrows waggle and Kame chuckles lightly then nods. Is it that obvious?, he thinks.
The bell rings and it signals first period for Junno and Freshman orientation for Kamenashi, they part ways when Junno grabs his book bag filled with nothing but candy and a few books he needs for his lectures and Kame takes a quick trip to the shared bathroom to check his appearance before going off to the auditorium.
They’re in one group because they’re were only a few Creative Writing majors and there is only one student leader for their group unlike the other groups who had two or if it was necessary three student leaders to keep the freshmen in line while orientation was going on. It was the library first for their group because the administration assumed they would use this facility the most.
Kame is amazed by the amount and quality of the books that are neatly tucked in their proper shelves, some books that had history were in glass boxes the student leader explains why they’re the university’s gems but he deviates his attention to the person who is straddling the lamp that’s on top of the tables inside the library and is rocking it like he’s having passionate sex.
The man was singing and his voice is soulful enough that Kame had his eyes trained onto that person who had his eyes closed while he tries to belt out certain rhythms with his plump lips. The whole group is pleased with his performance but the librarian breaks it up with “Mr. Akanishi, I will not tolerate this nonsense. One more and you’ll be banned from this facility,” she warns and the said “Mr. Akanishi” was giggling, the fat under his eyes are bunching up and he’s suddenly so beautiful to Kamenashi’s eyes.
And that’s how Kamenashi met his downfall.
If he only knew this beforehand,, he wouldn’t have been smitten by Jin’s sweet voice.
-
“I didn’t know what to do, I was a coward,” Kame continues his eyes are blank, his struggling earlier had caused the arm cuffs to wound tighter around his wrists and bits of dried blood had stained his skin. Jaejoong looks down at Kamenashi’s stubby fingers that were neatly folded in front of him, he wonders how those hands had taken someone he loved the most.
“I didn’t want to admit it and that was a mistake,” he chuckles lightly, albeit a little begrudgingly and looks up as he sighs.
“Ah. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life,” he says and slowly trains his eyes to Jaejoong’s clear brown eyes, the light catching bits of his tainted spirit.
“How about you detective?” there’s a twang in his tone and it sound to Jaejoong like he’s beginning to go soft so he puts his guards up, his breath hitching. He doesn’t show that he’s bothered with the question because if he shows any signs of weakness he’ll be done for sure.
-
It’s a friday and Junno asks him to come with him to boys night out and Kamenashi declines because he’s full of freshman papers and he figures he needs to make a god impression to his professors. He sends Junno away with a promise that he’ll go next week and his roommate nods as he heads for the door with his big goofy smile.
Kame is typing his first short story for this class. The premise is something wide and he doesn’t know where to start, all these possibilities and restrictions limited made it hard for him to start because there were a lot of things that were running through his mind, sometimes it’s overwhelming inside his brain.
He’s in the middle of drafting his short story when he hears that voice again, singing a different song but this time it’s a little happier and the lyrics are less womanising. He stands up from his seat and trudges to the door, closes it behind him as he follows the sound he’s so fascinated with, he’s getting closer and he doesn’t knock on the door, just goes in and intrudes the man’s privacy but he doesn’t stop singing because his eyes are closed like in the library and Kame is confused.
But the good kind.
“You somehow invited yourself in,” Kame stops staring, he shakes his head a little as if to get himself straight again back into the real world. He smiles instead which is not his reflexive reaction to anything but this is new and he can’t decide if he likes it or not yet.
“What were you singing?” Kame asks instead, his palms begin to sweat but that’s normal. Nothing is abnormal.
“You tell me,” the man stands up from his bed, goes to dock his iPhone and blasts a kind of music that Kamenashi hasn’t heard in his life. His mother forbids him to listen to these kinds of music but his mother is not here right now and there’s an inclination, Kame is just not sure what.
His brain starts to work, like he’s writing again and he sees certain pictures and characters as he listens to the music that’s being played, the man stares at him but he doesn’t notice since he’s busy writing a story inside his head.
There’s a poet that’s in love with his best friend and they’re tangled in all sorts of complicated and the story escalates from there. Kame is so into the story inside his head that he doesn’t remember where he is, that the man who is singing the lovely music inside his mind a little earlier is staring right at him. He thinks, he needs to write this down, thinks he needs to document this inspiration and he shuffles out of the room quickly as he let himself in.
Leaving the man baffled in a good way. He’s grown attracted to this beautiful randomness that is Kamenashi Kazuya.
-
It’s the twenty first day of the second month of investigation and Jaejoong is still stuck with Kamenashi Kazuya during his thursdays. He gives up on prying the truth from him because he learns that once you push Kazuya too much, he rails his hooves back predatorily and builds his walls up and to be honest, Jaejoong’s grown tired with Kamenashi’s dancing so listens to his prose instead.
“I did not know what love meant even though I wrote a a bunch of stories revolving the one topic that I don’t really know, thousands of words that I managed to put together but what does it all mean? I am not sure,” Kamenashi laughs and Jaejoong has grown to love the sketchy laugh of the prisoner. Jaejoong always notes how pale and skinny he had become, with pushing the metal tray away from him every single meal and not bothering to go out of his cell except for Thursdays.
“I like how you’re silent, detective. I like how you pretend you’re sane,” and Kamenashi laughs again, his feet clapping like a madman and maybe he is but Jaejoong knows he’s not at all, happy.
-
Kame gets a over the roof score with his short story assignment and he rewards himself by joining Junno’s boys night out downtown where the real night life is and he’s nervous and excited at the same time because this is a first, the start of his social life.
“You drink alcohol?” Junno’s friend asks, Kame tries to remember if his name is Koki but the blonde streaks in his hair intimidates him to forget his name so he sticks with Koki but he doesn’t really call his name and nods even though he doesn’t really drink, even though this is his first time with alcohol.
Koki or the blonde streak hair guy hands him a bottle of beer that’s cold enough to make his fingers numb, he takes a swig and the alien taste is pleasant so he drinks one more until the bottle is half empty.
“Whoa there. We’re five stops away from the dorm, you don’t expect me to carry your drunk ass to bed right?” Junno jokes but there’s a little bite in it and Kame shakes his head and calculates on how much beer he can take before his vision doubles.
“I’d happily volunteer if you don’t want to,” there’s a voice that’s coming from behind his head and the breath sends shivers down his spine and it’s weird and inviting at the same time, he doesn’t turn his back to look though.
Kame sees Junno smile, his beer raising to the person that’s behind him and waggles his eyebrows.
“You’d be drunk faster than Kame here,” Junno says, curiosity piqued Kame looks back and he swallows back the saliva he’s unconsciously been collecting in the back of his throat.
“So that’s your name,” the man who has a lovely voice, the man who played him such wonderful inspirational music, the man who’s utterly confusing to him shows up again in front of his face, transfers his breaths to his skin and it’s boggling his brain with confusing thoughts, he’s not sure how to feel about it so he raises his eyebrows instead.
The man holds his gaze, eyebrow still raised and Kame thinks he needs more beer but he fears that Junno might smack him right in the face if he ever took one more swig because one beer might knock him down.
Or maybe the man’s gaze will.
-
“Such beautiful eyes you have, detective,” Kame says and Jaejoong blinks, trying to wet his eyes. Kame had asked if he could stay a little bit because he’s feeling extra lonely and it’s painful. Would you spare me from that little pain, detective? He so tenderly asked him that’s why he ended up staying more than he planned.
The truth is, he’s growing a soft spot for this criminal. A criminal whom have loved so much took matters to his hands and he ended up a nutcase. Jaejoong knows what it feels like to love but nothing like Kamenashi’s love.
“You don’t speak that much too but you have such a beautiful voice,” Kame says, his eyes sparkling as he tries to wait for Jaejoong to catch his gaze and when they do Jaejoong’s eyes are inquiring.
“I heard you. You were humming a song, a song that he used to hum too,” and the silence starts because Jaejoong doesn’t really know what to say.
-
Ueda Tatsuya, one of Kame’s group mates, catches him staring at something.
“Akanishi Jin,” he says in Kame’s ear and it tickles.
‘What?” he asks, his eyes a little weird and blank from the spacing out he’s done. The professor is nowhere to be seen and guesses that this is college for him, missing professors and open windows that let bees and whatnot come in. It’s a bright sunny day and that’s good thing.
“The guy who sang in the library,” his classmate says and Kame is silent, he doesn’t know what to say.
So stays quiet and lets Ueda continue.
“He’s from the music department, he’s a little older than us from what I’ve heard,” Kame takes this information into his brain and saves it for further use, his face is blank and maybe a little thin lipped because he’s acting too much that he’s not really interested.
“I’m not gay,” Kame says because it’s the most normal thing he can think of, in the thousands of words that’s planted inside his head, he thinks of something boring and normal.
Which is not his style.
-
“I’m not feeling well today, detective,” Kamenashi says and sleeps through the whole session. Jaejoong went home earlier than he expected.
-
His last class is poetry, in which he hates the most because it’s short words that are strict and intellectual and it’s not his style.
Kame likes pages of words that describe each character, each setting and each emotion in depth so that his readers can place themselves in that particular situation, feel the characters emotion and just live through his stories. He likes to think he’s creating a wonderland for book enthusiasts or people who read his work in general, wants to transport them into something amazing and have the option to go back to what they were.
Alice in wonderland.
“Don’t think too much, he’s ditching the class,” a voice, a familiar voice whispers in his ear. The familiar chill runs down his spine and it’s a little pleasant because Kamenashi is not at all for change or surprises.
“How do you know?” he asks, not looking up from the book he’s reading because Tolstoy has all of his attention right now.
The voice doesn’t say anything so he continues to read and a big ball of crumpled paper huts him in the cheek and when he looks up, the man is gone and the classroom is empty.
He realised that he had fallen asleep, the marks from his book had imprinted on his nose and the flaps of his eyes - reddish and deep. Unfolding the paper like it’s the most normal thing to do, he reads the ugly scrawl of penmanship and twists his wrists in question.
9pm, library gate
- 仁
It’s weird to be following a vague note but he finds himself standing just outside the library like he’s been told, his knit gloves folded over so that he can swipe his phone to check if Junno had left him any messages or Tatsuya trying to fill him with more information about Akansihi. There’s a sound from the bushes but then again, Kame’s never been the one to be creeped out immediately.
He doesn’t believe in ghosts, after life or even the supernatural because he’s all about the real world and even in his fictions, he chooses to set his stories in the real setting of life where there is hurt, pain, love and happiness.
Traffic, especially Shibuya traffic.
“You’re hère,” he identifies the voice is coming from the bushes where it’s dark and crowded with greenery and it doesn’t even creep him out.
“I was told to be here at this hour,” he answers but he’s still talking to the bush.
“Would you follow me anywhere?” the voice asks behind the bushes and Kame sits in the balls of his feet, squatting low and fingers touching the dusty floor for balance, he stares into the bushes as if he knows where the face of the voice is and doesn’t say anything.
“I was also told not to follow strangers,” he says, he thinks it’s funny because the voice suddenly chuckles loudly and even his laugh is melodious and lovely.
The man barely comes out from the dark, the shadows hides his face perfectly and his eyes are dark and deep and from the way his body moves, Kame knows it’s him. It’s Akanishi Jin.
He wonders when did he even start to pick up Akanishi’s gestures and movements, have he been staring at this man for so long? He’s not sure. Maybe it’s because Tatsuya. Yes, it’s all Tatsuya’s fault.
Akanishi takes his had and intertwines it with Kame’s and his face is blank. He doesn’t know what the hell is happening.
“I’m going to take you under my wing,,” he says and from then on, Kamenashi doesn’t know what that actually means but thinks he’s getting a favour from Akanishi. Jin’s a cool guy and it doesn’t hurt to boost his social life a little too.
-
There’s utter silence in the interview room and Jaejoong is half sleepy and half attentive to what Kamenashi’s gestures are.
He’s rubbing his knuckles with the pads of his fingers, a sign wherein he’s a little over the edge - like he’s going to give this all up and ‘fuck life’. He learned this when he was talking about the victim, when the victim had told him sweet nothings that he didn’t understand, things that he didn’t want to understand, moves that the victim did that made him unsure.
And Jaejoong also notes the lack of hair in one portion of Kamenashi’s head, it’s slowly thinning probably because he refuses to eat and sleep less than he should, the dark circles under his eyes are horribly pronounce without much effort and Jaejoong half thinks of writhing to the higher ups and tell them to move Kamenashi into a more ‘friendly’ institution that would make him feel okay, that no one is going to get hurt.
But not right now, not when he’s starting to understand Kamenashi’s ways, how each gesture has its corresponding meaning.
“You know detective, I know something about you too,” and the hair in Jaejoong’s forearms rise, the chill going down his spine.
What can he possibly know about him?
“You don’t talk but I know something about you that’s similar to what happened to me,”
-
Lighting, it doesn’t strike anything but the sharp light in the dark sky is enough to send Kamenashi writing a short story about how the lightning is lonely and wants attention because he’s disabled, sound robbed from him whilst his partner in crime is robbed from sight and together they’re bigger, together they are whole.
“This is good, this is why I trust you,” Trust, Kamenashi frowns because he thinks Jin had bestowed something so heavy on his shoulders. Not because he’s writing Jin’s papers, no but because Jin trusts him enough to write his papers for him.
Trust Kamenashi thinks is such a big deal then love comes next.
“It’s not really goo-” feeling a little ashamed for his half-assed work, his doodles had somehow made its way to Akanishi’s hands and it’s burning the paper, in Kamenashi’s eyes the paper is in flames because Akanishi’s touch is too hot, too warm and powerful as his voice.
Akanishi’s fingers creep through the buttons of his shirt, it’s summer time now that’s why he can wear something light as a button down shirt and cut off jeans. He feels uncomfortable, doesn’t know what to do and say but wants Akanishi to stop because this is not what he signed up for, he isn’t that way.
Kamenashi is not gay.
But the fingers continue and it goes down deeper and deeper until Kame can feel himself being groped and pulled and pleasured in a way that’s making him feel good and dirty at the same time, I’m not gay, he plays it over and over in his mind.
I’m not gay, but when he comes and Jin is licking his fingers clean and tucking Kamenashi inside his jean pants, he replays the mantra again in his head.
I’m not gay.
-
“You didn’t like him touching you?” Jaejoong speaks, in these rare accounts Kamenashi is in a good mood. They meet halfway, he speaks and he smiles his creepy ass smile while he taps a tune in the wooden table.
“Sometimes I don’t, sometimes I like it, he can be gentle as a feather and rough as a provoked lion,” Kamenashi explains, his eyes are blank and hooded again probably because he hasn’t had enough sleep but the twitch in the corner of his cheek is amazingly charming.
Jaejoong’s not surprised why Akanishi Jin had fallen so helplessly in love with Kamenashi.
-
“Down the hall, the first door to the left, that’s where it is,” Kamenashi adjusts his eye glasses and while he shows her the way to the library, her sparkling cardigan and charming smile is enough to explain that this girl is a freshman.
“Thank you,” she says and Kame finds him smiling widely even after she’s out of sight, it’s a new feeling and the warmth in his chest is overwhelming.
There’s a shiver that runs down his spine, it’s familiar and he straightens his back and wipes the smile off his face.
“Pretty girl, you know her?” Jin’s voice is low and sultry like he’s singing and it’s compelling Kame will admit but not right now when there’s a hint of negativity in the tone.
Kame doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even try to nod to Jin’s question because he had managed to develop this ability to detect if Jin meant he wanted an answer when he asked something, most of the times Jin just wanted Kame to be silent so he stays that way.
The older man puts a heavy hand on top of Kame’s shoulder, it’s literally heavy and Kame tired not bring his shoulders down as Jin’s strength weighs him down, he didn’t want to look weak even though his body could prove it. Jin presses his lips to the shell of Kame’s ear, obscured by his mop of yesterday’s clean hair and whispers.
“You’re the only one,” he says, and in a flash he goes on his merry way to wherever he’s supposed to be like nothing happened.
Kame doesn’t know what to do.
-
Kame meets this girl again. Her name is Haruka, Ayase Haruka. She has small cherry red lips and pale white skin but he learns that Haruka is a little older than him by a year, she explains that she had problems that’s why she hadn’t managed to enroll two years ago and Kame waves her off, it’s not like he’s asking for an explanation anyway.
They bump into each other after third period, after Kame’s Arithmetic class and Kame’s books leave a small red mark on Haruka’s knee but she doesn’t notice that as she quickly kneels and apologises profusely while picking up the books she had managed to jerk out of Kame’s hands, he bends down and apologises as well and they pick up the books, clumsily knocking each other with their arms.
Kame’s balancing himself in one knee when he outstretches his hand for Haruka’s textbook and Haruka claims it with a soft smile that made Kame’s chest warm, a pleasant feeling.
“I’m sorry, I’m a little clumsy,” she explains. They’re standing on their feet now, Kamenashi towering Haruka a little, her hands wrapped protectively around her fallen books but her eyes are soft and directed to Kamenashi’s enamoured ones.
They learn that they have the same class, the class that Kamenashi failed last semester and Haruka jokes about how can he possibly flunk that class but he doesn’t explain why, she wouldn’t even understand if he even tried to.
-
It’s colder than usual and Jaejoong is wearing a fluffy black outwear while Kamenashi is wearing nothing but the prisoner uniform they’re issued with and a couple of bruises on his cheek, new bruises because they were blue, dark and very angry in comparison to Kamenashi’s pale skin.
“Who did this to you?” he felt the need to ask after all he’s grown to understand Kamenashi, wanted to consider him as his friend even if the other doesn’t think so. He’s developed feelings, the need to protect Kamenashi from further pain at least that’s what he would like to think.
“Akanishi,” it’s barely audible when he says it but Jaejoong catches it, the room isn’t the big anyway so Kamenashi words can’t hide anywhere.
“He’s still here you know, he doesn’t leave,” then Jaejoong spots more bruises that were located in his nape, red marks and scratches going down to his back hidden by his prisoners uniform. He stands up and yanks Kamenashi’s arm away and grasps his collar and brings the clothing down to reveal the wounds on his back, Jaejoong is amazed.
He doesn’t know if he could believe Kamenashi because he wanted to, he knew Kamenashi would never hurt himself not if there was a reason to. The prisoner shrugs Jaejoong’s arm violently to shake him off, his eyes are red and angry Jaejoong doesn’t want to back away but then Kame relaxes and leans to the back of his seat, folds his hands neatly and smiles at the detective.
“I was in love with a girl once, detective. The only girl that I’ve ever loved and she was beautiful,” he says, like nothing happened.
Jaejoong goes with the flow. It’s true.
-
Sparks fly whenever Kame and Haruka would go away together. They would spend time together when they’re on breaks, after school and on holidays and they were happy, everyone could see it Kame’s eyes. It was safe to say that Kame had little time to hang out with his guy friends though, Junno was cool with it since he was always busy with training and the other guys seemed to find something to do.
He also hadn’t seen Akanishi in a long time. Ever since they started dating, Akanishi somehow had disappeared from Kame’s sight and it was a little unnerving considering he didn’t actually liked being with Akanishi because he had done nothing but steer his life to the path of delinquency. Well, the perfect intelligent delinquency because even though Akanishi was a bum when it came to school, he would always push Kame to write things and let him be when he’s in his little world, characterising people and conjuring plots.
Akanishi was supportive of Kame’s wild brain and he was thankful for that because Jin was the only one who understood him when he first came here in the university. Took him under his wing and taught him how to fly but he always pulled him back whenever he flew too far from him because Jin didn’t want him to go away, Jin wanted him to stay with him and listen to his love songs and scratchy voice in the morning after a long night of drinking.
It’s just a little unusual to not be graced by Akanishi’s presence every now and then, unlike before he was like a genie would show up whenever he wanted to.
“I had a nice time. I always do,” Haruka kisses Kame’s cheek and smiles shyly before she pulls away and crosses her arms the keys jiggling making a noise. They both smile and Kame’s cheeks are burning in a shade of something apple red and Haruka loves it, loves the gleam of Kame’s eyes when he talks to her, loves it when he explains the characters to her, loves him when his hair is all ruffled up after working the whole day.
Haruka brings a gentle hand in Kame’s cheek and smiles again, pulls her hand back and waves goodbye. They’re done for the day.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” the loud chattering noises of the highschoolers and the honks of the car is the soundtrack of their day. She wipes her train card and goes through the barrier, Kame watches her walk away and when she’s out of his sight, he turns around and walks back to where he’s supposed to go.
“Jin,” he says, a little surprised and unsure why he had missed saying Jin’s name out loud. Suddenly the sound of the honks and chattering in the background had numbed his ears and it’s silent and Jin’s breathing is all he can hear.
Akanishi Jin just stands there in front of him while around them, people walk quickly to get to their train on time and meet people. Kame’s is rooted to his place, his feet can’t seem to move and his eyes are strangely wet, the look in Akanishi’s eyes is different. They stare at each other for a few minutes while they let the world go on around them, he notes how Jin’s eyes are a little deep and the dark circles under his eyes are huge and he also lost a significant amount of weight enough to make Kame notice.
“You found me,” Kame says, he doesn’t know why he said that he thinks it’s instinct that Jin will always find him wherever he goes, Kame is a little relieved to see Jin and also a little unsure of this feeling but when Jin smiled at him with his eyes sunk low and his jaw line protruding just a little more than before, he genuinely feels happy to see Jin.
Jin walks closer to where Kame is, a few steps maybe a few more laboured breathes and he gets there and the distance is so close Kame should feel a little uncomfortable but he doesn’t because this is Jin and they have done far more intimate things than this. As Jin starts to intertwine their fingers together they don’t care about their surroundings like two men that are holding hands are not unusual at all.
Truthfully, it doesn’t go through Kame’s mind that holding Jin’s hand in public like this is a little dangerous but what he thinks about is how Jin’s hands are so warm the fact that they’re in the middle of February and it’s the coldest month of the year. Jin’s hand is also rough, calloused at the tips of his fingers and a little smooth in the middle just like he remembers, tattooed in his mind.
“I’ll always find you,” Jin says, his voice still pretty much the same scratchy and smooth. Good to Kame’s ears. He pulls back his hand roughly away from Jin’s warm hand and it’s amazingly cold now, he steps back a few inches away from Jin who has wide eyes, confused.
Kame backs up with a few more steps until there’s a significant distance from him and Jin, people walk through that distance without a problem as the surroundings are still busy with people trying to get to their homes. Jin’s eyes are still wide, eyebrows sorrowful as he calculates Kame’s behaviour. The younger turns back and walks away from the elder, his feet making quick steps as if to get away from Jin as fast as possible.
Jin catches up to Kame when they’re out of the public eye, when they’re somewhere quiet but Kame doesn’t intend to stop walking, to stop walking and talk to Jin. No plans at all so he shrugs out Jin’s hand again when the older grasps his coat, hands slip like butter on a hot pan. But Jin is taller than Kame, has more muscle and strength in his bones so he traps Kame with his body in one corner, he struggles as much as he can but Jin doesn’t let him go he’s never seen Jin like this his eyes are stark anger and wet, his cheeks are damp and Kame doesn’t know if it’s the snow or the tears.
“Let me go,” his voice is surprisingly calm despite being trapped into submission like this, he knows Jin, he knows that Jin can be persuaded with kind words and calm voices. Jin just stares at him with those tired eyes.
“Jin, let me go,” firmer than earlier, he puts a gentle hand on Jin’s arm that’s stretched out to cage Kame’s head he feels the taut muscles, angry and strong.
“You don’t like me anymore,” Jin sounds like he’s sulking, like he’s a little kid who got abandoned by his best friend. It breaks Kame’s heart.
“I love her,” the younger says, figured that he had to hurt Jin like this. Because it’s true, Haruka is nothing but amazing and he’s happy so so so happy with her. Jin laughs darkly, his eyes can’t be seen because it’s hidden by the loose strands of his hair.
Jin springs back from the wall and kicks it with full force frightening Kame with his hands over his ears, his book bag falls on the dirty damp floor and the light from the shady lamppost illuminates his damp cheeks. Jin grabs his hair and spins slowly, closing his eyes hard and opening them to look at Kame in the eyes and he releases his stretched out scalp and points an index finger to Kame.
“She doesn’t even love you! She’s been seeing Ueda all this fucking time. Acting like she needs to go to the nurse just to fuck him in the boys room,” Kame can’t believe his ears, he doesn’t want to believe Akanishi but there was always this inclination that Haruka preferred Tatsuya out of all his friends. Junno and him had once talked about this, Junno making an offhanded comment about how if they didn’t work out, she’ll have Tatsuya to fall back to.
But Kame surges closer to Akanishi, sharp bones from his balled fist make contact to Akanishi’s jaw and it makes a popping sound that Kame doesn’t mind. Akanishi takes another blow to the stomach as Kame’s other fist prepares to punch him in the side of his face again, Jin finds an opportunity to throw back some punches and it leaves Kame a little shaky. Jin goes for that, walks closer and traps him again against the wall to try and make him see what’s happening and coax him back to him.
He had always loved Kamenashi from the moment he had laid his eyes on him, the moment he saw him walking with that orientation group and getting sent to the discipline office was worth it. He left an impression on him, he knew it and it was the best thing he had ever done. Though he had Kame do things he wish he hadn’t make him do, like take him while he was so clueless and innocent and to others it may look like he had been brain washing a freshman, making him a slave but that was never his intention.
He loves Kamenashi and it’s ridiculously strong enough to not be ignored.
But like magic, Kame produces a small pocket knife and without any sound thought he sticks the knife into Akanishi’s stomach and pulls it out, stabs him again this time in the chest and again near the side of his torso. He doesn’t take out the knife in the last stab, he leaves it there and Akanishi is on his knees now looking at his wounds to Kame who has his hands bloody.
Jin paws through his wounds, blood staining his clothes and his hands and makes eyes back at Kame who is grabbing his book bag and leaving one last look before running off, leaving Akanishi behind under the shady lamp post.
Jin dies at 9:26 in the evening due to loss of blood from the three stabs that Kamenashi had made.
-
“It was true detective, she had someone else while she was with me. That’s why she never had me over to her place, we always parted in the train station,” Kame giggles and wipes his hands over his ratty prison pants.
The lightbulb flicks once and Jaejoong shuffles closer to Kamenashi, maybe this is the confession that he had been waiting for since the start of this weekly meetings. He doesn’t urge Kame to continue though, he doesn’t want to risk it not when he’s this close to getting the case done.
“We are the same right, detective? Our loved ones were taken away from us?” the prisoner points to his neck with his lips and Jaejoong tries to compose himself but fails miserably, fingers the ring tha’st hanging around his neck all this time.
“But from what I’ve heard, he was stolen from you. Ah, you’re a better man than me, detective,” he says and his voice is laced with regret. Jaejoong tries to focus but his eyes start to water, the ring is chilly but his heart is pounding so much he thinks Kamenashi can hear it.
“He was in the army,” Jaejoong whispers but Kamenashi could hear it and he stops doing whatever he’s doing and listens but doesn’t look up to meet Jaejoong’s eyes, he’s not ready to see emotion that’s not his just yet.
Jaejoong sniffs, it’s still hard to talk about.
“He was in Korea and I was here for work, he said he’ll catch up after his service. It was only a month left before he was discharged, we were so excited I prepared everything for him here but the war broke out, he got shot by the enemy and I lost someone without having to do anything to save him,” Jaejoong is crying now, there’s nothing he could see but the wet telegram he got from the army informing him that Park Yoochun had died in the war, a few quotes of how he died with honour, etc.
“And now I’m living in a house that’s built for two,” he wipes his tears away, his nose red as he tries to suck all his tears up and not show them to Kamenashi. A prisoner who managed to penetrate his high walls, got the truth out from him even before he did.
Kamenashi takes his hand and squeezes it, it’s rough but it’s warm and it feels quite nice to be held like this but at the same time a little embarrassing.
“Since I’ve got no one else but myself, I think I’m going to have to confess too, detective. So you better dry your eyes and say goodbye to me because you’ll never see me again after this,” he says with a slight smile on his face, Jaejoong tilts his head slightly and pouts.
Kamenashi coughs like he’s about to sing and he does, his voice is lovely not close to anything amazing but his voice is pure and sincere and full of emotion. Jaejoong have heard a few songs of Akanishi Jin and he instantly recognised this as one of his dedication songs.
I’d rather have a rainy day with you than see the sunshine alone,
or have a hundred days of winter with you here in my arms.
I’ll be your shelter through the storm just to have you by my side.
And when he was done singing, Kamenashi was shaking.
“He sang me that song, the first time we properly hung out, it was just his guitar, his voice and a run down apartment and it was perfect,” there were tears in his eyes, Kamenashi wants to stop crying because he knows how Jin doesn’t like to see him cry.
“I was a coward. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I loved him while he showed everyone around us how much he loved me, I was selfish and in denial. I didn’t want to believe that I was falling for a man, it bruised me, my ego but most importantly, it ruined me and cost me the one who loved me the most,” Kame manages to get it out of his system, the front part of his chest is dotted with his tears and they both don’t care.
“I stabbed him to death because I was coward, I am my worst enemy,” he says.
“I lost the only one I ever loved because I was a coward, I was the one who took his life,” Kamenashi knows it’s recorded and he couldn’t care less, it took him months to confess but he doesn’t care even if he gets the fucking death penalty, he deserves it. He deserves to die after what he did to Jin, after what he did to himself, he had lost everything. His ability and interest to write, his friends, the love of his life.
He sniffs, wipes the tears off his cheeks and smiles at Jaejoong, his hands neatly placed on top of the metal table.
“I’ve told the truth and I have never been freer,” he lowers his head.
Jaejoong slowly takes out the cuffs from his belt loop and attaches it to Kame’s wrists and says the appropriate words of conviction, from this day on Kamenashi is not longer a suspect, he is now Kamenashi Kazuya - Murderer.
-
"Twenty years, detective. The government's going soft," Kamenashi says through the bars, he's wearing something different now because he's been transferred to a different prison house. Jaejoong is half smiling and nodding, it's safe to say that he and Kamenashi have this connection now, not friends but a little more than acquaintances.
"I'd say Akanishi-san helped you," he chuckles lightly, Kame hits Jaejoong lightly.
"He'd want me to stay here until I die because he'll be too jealous if I was out there, with millions of prospects," he smiles.
"I know you wouldn't do that," Kamenashi stop laughing abruptly and looks down at his feet.
"Thank you, detective. You may have sent me to jail but you've helped me," Jaejoong doesn't know what to say.
"And Jin," there's a smile in Kamenashi's voice that says he's going to be alright and that he'll always have something to look forward to in twenty years.
And it's to visit Jin's grave.